Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

Do you see women deciding to take their husbands names as a negative?

A bit. Depends on the reason. As I say, given it’s usually only the woman who considers it - and actually an alarming number say they never even thought about it, they just did it.

I took my husbands name. His is already double barrelled so it would have been ridiculous to tag mine on too. We've got two children now I wanted us all to have the same name.

Tbh, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't much prefer DH's surname to my own.

However, my cousin just got married and I asked my nanna if she was taking her DH's name and she was mortally offended at the suggestion she wouldn't be taking it I had to explain to her that it's not automatically the 'done' thing anymore, it didn't go down well 🙈

For me, it was about having a family name. I didn't want a double barrel name for any of us, but I did want us all to have the same name.

I was happy to change my last name to my DH's last name when I got married, but now, thinking about it, I sometimes wish I'd opted for a double barrel name just to preserve my last name.

I loved my maiden name, but also love my married last name - they are both quite unusual. Had my DH's last name been one that I didn't like, or was very common, I probably would have kept my maiden name, or opted for a double barrel last name. That makes me very superficial, I'm sure!!

I view women taking their husbands names as a negative. It may be a 'personal choice' but it isn't one that many men seem to make. By all means change your name but don't pretend that it is pure coincidence that it is almost always women who do so.

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

It’s a pretty sexist thing, though, isn’t it? Men changing their names is incredibly rare. And some men do seem to expect it, and see a woman wanting to keep her own name as an insult to their masculinity.

I get why people do it - there is a lot of tradition and cultural expectation tied up in it. But that doesn’t make it any less a sexist tradition. It’s a female act for which there is no male equivalent.

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore.

I wish that were true. My husband and I have both had plenty of comments about me not taking his name. None of them nice.

And that was before the kids got both our names.

Who cares. Its between you two what you do. I feel abit sad for those that dont but their choice. I wanted to be a unit and was vvvvvv happy to take my husbands name. In rl theres v few people that dont.

Close to 50% of the couples we know with kids have split. The women who took the husband’s name are sorry they ever did, some are stuck with t because the kids also have his name. It is outdated, don’t take someone else’s name, and if you have kids make sure they have both names even if one is a middle name. That would be my advice...

When husbands take their wives’ names in equal measure then it will be an equal choice.

Until then the practice is still plagued by a sexist history so I’d never judge any woman but it will make me a bit sad.

I don’t know anyone IRL who did not take their husbands name and I find that really bizarre as I live in a city and have a wide and varied circle of friends.

Agree with pp that these threads all go the same way. Yes you can do what you want but don't make out it is a choice made in a vacuum. If it were, there would be equal numbers of men and women changing their names. That isn't the case.

I'll be changing my name as I want us all to have the same name if we have children. I'll be adding my maiden name as a second middle name and any kids will have that too.

He doesn't expect me to and wouldn't care if I didn't want to change it, but like I said, I want us all to have the same name.

I couldn't be arsed with the admin when I got married. I thought I might change it when we had kids so we all had the same name and the future DC wouldn't be confused. As it is, when I got to that point I didn't change - I started to realise I like my name and it's mine alone - and DS has never been confused.

People at work are mildly interested to know my 'married' name when I tell them I kept my maiden name, but I've never once had a negative comment. Just the occasional letter from my MIL to Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname, which is the worst kind of anachronistic possessive nomenclature. But I don't think she was trying to make a point, just being 'proper'

I occasionally call myself Mrs DH when I phone the school but that's purely pragmatic.

Frankly, to each her own. I have plenty of friends like me, others with their DH's names and another who double barrelled. Who cares.

I don't have a problem with people making choices but those choices tend to be based on a sexist tradition.

My issue is with the assumption that the norm is for the woman to take the man's name. Same as the poster above - I wouldn't judge a woman for taking her husband's name but in the context of a sexist culture it saddens me.

I'm also surprised by the number of people who say they take their husband's name because they want to have the same name as their children. Does this mean they believe children should automatically have their father's name? Mine don't.

Our children have my surname and I didn't change my name on marriage (we married after having the kids). My husband is at liberty to change his name to mine if he wants, but he's happy with the way things are.

Some women take it, some don’t. Whatever works for you!

It's not a free choice though, is it? It's a choice made with a lot of historical baggage and societal expectation. It was baggage and expectation I was happy to reject by keeping my name.

Apparently 90% of people don't have names that are ridiculous, cumbersome or, have unpleasant connotations then.

@eurochick the decision held zero expectation or social baggage for me. You seem quite arrogant in assuming that the only decision fir people unaffected by cultural customs is to reject name changing. You wouldn't know thought would you. You were irrational enough to let the cultural expectations get to you deep down even if this resulted in you rejecting them in an attempt to shake them off.

I didn't change mine and glad j didn't now I'm getting divorced

Ex bil and his wife have double barrelled theirs which seems good and their kids I suppose will choose which bit to keep when they marry.

I like my husband's surname better than my own. Mine. Not my Dad's. Mine. Simple as that. I genuinely don't understand the fuss the younger generation are making. Women, and men, are far more than just whatever name they want to be known by.

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

Fraid not. The reactions that women who keep their own names get are evidence of that. If this thread keeps going long enough you'll see it in action. That's what usually happens when this subject comes up- you can't have read any of these threads before if you think the only people who care are the women who keep their own names!

Also, you can't just decide that something doesn't have a sexist connotation anymore because you think it's a nice thing to do.

Thank fuck i married a Spaniard and avoided all that shit.

DS is double barrelled: mine first.

I know about half and half who do/don’t take the name. And one man who changed his name to his wife’s. Everytime a young woman at work announces she’s changing her name i’m Honestly surprised/disappointed. More than one has said the husband to be is all about equality but this is the one thing they ‘insist’ on or is really ‘inportant’ To them. There’s nothing equal about giving up your birth name to take the name of a man, ever. Until as many men agree to take their wife’s name it remains an ridiculous old fashioned thing to do. The modem world will get used to a couple, with children, married but not sharing a surname and still be able to see that they’re a family

Taking your husbands name is extremely old fashioned, anti-feminist and just plain odd. Why on earth would you subsume your identity like this?

It baffles me, it really does.

I was undoubtedly influenced by a very dear, older friend who married young (23) and tragically died young (34). She changed her name on marriage because that was what everyone did where we came from. When she separated from her husband at 29 she kept her married name as she had progressed considerably professionally and didn’t want to have to explain her marital breakdown to anyone and everyone. She hoped to change her name again, I suspect, but died very suddenly and is buried with the surname of a man she no longer loved or respected.

I was 8 years younger than her and didn’t marry till my early thirties but I know that her experience influenced my decision. My name might come from my father’s family but it has always been MY name. I love my husband very much, but when offered the option of changing to my surname he declined and so he completely understood that I didn’t want to change either. He has no problem with my decision so it astounds me that so many others (family, colleagues, friends, postmen etc) have such an issue with it. Like I said, where I come from, keeping your name is absolutely not the done thing and I get plenty of hassle about it.