MIL issues!!

[Starlive22]

Before I start...yes I know I'm being unreasonable but if I don't rant I'll literally explode...

MIL only visited 3 or 4 times during whole (complicated) pregnancy.

The day baby was born she came to the hospital, the day after she got back from holiday, laughed at how the baby was big, kissed her all over the face and then told everyone she felt faint and that she had diarrhoea.

The next day she announced my baby's birth on Facebook with probably the worst picture of me in history after o told her I didn't want any pics on Facebook.

Since then she has come to my house every day expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I've still got an indwelling catheter, and I had a c section so I'm not exactly up running rings around people at the moment.

Please tell me it's normal to feel so upset that she hasn't given us one day as a family on our own. I only came out of hospital yesterday and I just want her to give us a bit of space, especially as she hasn't really ever been part of our lives. It's a shocker that she has descended on us like this!

I realise that I'm lucky she has been interested and that not everyone has mother in laws and some people don't have people round them, I know I'm lucky. I just feel a bit overwhelmed and emotional.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, just a bit of reassurance that I'm not a not evil!! X

Showing him this thread seems to have gotten through to him. To be honest he knew the score anyway, he just didn't want to do anything about it because he doesn't like confrontation, but the more I think w out it, the more it should be me saying something. If not he just won't say everything I want him to and I just don't think he will explain things right, at least if I say something I can control the conversation to a degree.

Starlive22 I feel for you. You have a new baby, an OTT Mil and a bloody typical DH as far as I am concerned..(although I am sure others are angels!) My OH is an ass and would receive top tips about our children from his parents which he was to relay to me. That is because they felt able to say what they wanted to him as he almost took bloody notes. This a bright intelligent man I am talking about btw. His inability to support me when I found some of their behaviours shocking nearly broke us up. They had a bizarre relationship where they are used to having fall outs about nothing, not speaking for months and then almost forgetting it ever happened and I was always seen as the bad guy for being bloody angry about it. There behaviours affected my DC as when they all fell out they didn't see them either! I felt like a pod for their grandchildren, When I lost a baby at 22 weeks his DM said well I didn't think she wanted it anyway. My Oh response was to suggest that I make more of an effort with his DM and agree to call her once a week about my other DC. We were told my DD was too fat as a baby and she needs to be on a diet, the nursery is crap and they are abusing my DC, they were going to take my DS away to sort out his allergies when he was 6 mths, his health issues were my fault and came from my side of the family and anything that happened always ended up being my fault. I should add that they are actually fantastic with my DC, really loving when they are around them and will happily spend hours with them playing. That's why it was hard when they found NC so easy after falling out with their DS. I had to take control of it. I stopped them falling out over nothing (I could tell when it was buidling up - been 19yrs now!), I set boundaries with them about comments in relation to my parenting, if there was even a remote hint of NC from them I would send flowers or an invite round and force my now belligerent OH to call them. Best thing you can do is recognise your OH isn't going to do anything, if he does he will ensure his DM knows its coming from you so as not to affect his own relationship. Thus making theirs with you worse. My advice would be to get her round for a cuppa, tell her you have found some of her behaviours and comments upsetting and that you would want a better relationship with her as you wouldn't want anything getting in the way of a positive relationship with your DC. Play it sweet and see what response you get! Good luck and I am hoping your actually enjoying your new babba!

if there was even a remote hint of NC from them I would send flowers or an invite round and force my now belligerent OH to call them.

An alternative approach would have been to tell them that you do not appreciate them behaving so badly to your family and that if they go NC again it will be the last time they do it because it will be permanent.

I would not tolerate this sort of emotionally abusive behavior towards my DC and I would not tolerate it. That is how you model to your children not to be enablers of abusive behaviour.

I'm glad your approach has worked for you and your family. I couldn't personally tolerate pandering to grown adults throwing their toys out the pram if it affected my children and my marriage negatively

Best thing you can do is recognise your OH isn't going to do anything, if he does he will ensure his DM knows its coming from you so as not to affect his own relationship.

Also you don't have to tolerate that from your DH either.

She's going to come over tonight (I invited her) to try to sort some of these issues out. The best outcome is that she is there for DD in a way that doesn't drive me batshit crazy but if she can't do that then I guess we will have to have another talk. I really am going to be as polite as possible as I don't want to come across as a bitch (I don't think it would take much for her to think like that) but at the same time I'll have to at least set some boundaries for the amount of time she can come round or 'just pop in' as I know she doesn't like people just popping in, she's told me as much herself!

DH has said he will fully support me in whatever I say, he just doesn't want to actually do the bloody hard bit and say it to her, but that he does agree with how I feel.

Nervous! Wish me luck!! Hopefully I can try to get this sorted once and for all!

Good luck .
Depending on the sort of woman she is, she may try and force your DH to choose by saying " are you going to let her speak to me like that?!"
or possibly go the health route and have either a heart "moment" or something to make you feel sorry for her.

OR she'll just get mortally offended and upset you.

YOu can be as polite and sweet to her as you like but once she understands your message, she's going to kick off, one way or another.

I hope your DH is ready to escort her from the premises if she becomes abusive to you!

Really hoping that she's reasonable OP and agree if he isn't going to do the hard part and talk to her himself the your DH needs to be ready for the possibility that she will kick off

Good luck! Appreciate the comments about my situation. However I value family having grown up in a broken home and having NC with some family. That was damaging in itself. I wanted to do my utmost to ensure my DC had contact with their family and especially GP. I would have been going NC if it hadn't sorted itself out as I wasn't tolerating people damaging my DC. Interestingly I actually get on very will with my MiL now, my FiL is an ass and continues to upset my SiL on a regular basis as he says hurtful and cruel things. Wouldn't get away with it with me but I am pretty tough. Hope it works out,

Glad you're dealing with this head on. How she responds will really set the scene for future. If she's reasonable and listens to you then great! If she starts getting difficult (water works/ clutching chest like she's having a heart attack / twisting your words etc ) then at least you have some insight for how she may react in future. Your DH really needs to step in if that's the case.

Will he be there to support you? I think it's really important that he witnessed this.

Well....it went as well as I expected it could I suppose. At first there were lots of tears and me trying to keep her away from GD and she asked if she could put pics on FB again as this made her feel happy. I said no, I'm not comfortable with that, she said it's the first time she has been happy since her father died last year (guilt trip or what!) but she eventually agreed and said she wouldn't be round as much as she was very busy (this was unprompted - I hadn't even said she was coming round too much, not so much as mentioned it) and she just upped and left. I was a bit surprised but DH said now that she won't be getting the attention she likes from FB he expects she will lose interest.

I must admit I didn't expect her to literally lose interest that moment! Maybe he was right about it blowing over!

She seemed very very put out over the picture thing, but as I didn't have a chance to say anything else, I'm not actually sure how it went at all!

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

HIstrionics. And then flouncing. Probably the best you could hope for, under the circumstances!

You might not see her for ages now, which could be construed as a benefit

I think you have to look for the positives in that. It was always going to be difficult.
Try and do something nice today to take your mind off her. Don't know if you still have her on Facebook, but be prepared for some passive aggressive nonsense.

starlive22 it sounds likes a pretty reasonable outcome. Hope all goes well from here. Bet you feel a bit better too!

at first there were lots of tears and me trying to keep her away from GD

What was the first thing you said to her, that led to this being her opening gambit?!

@LineyDancer she came in and took so photos of DD which of course I didn't mind but then said she was going to put them in FB 'just one last time' and I said I'd rather she didn't. That was when she started to get upset and said it wasn't fair on her, her friends want to see the baby and I shouldn't have the monopoly on who can see her images. I said if she wants to send pics to friends and family she knows well I.e. over messenger then that would be fine but not social media. Then she started crying and said putting them on FB is the first thing that has made her happy since her father passed away last year.

I didn't even get chance to say not to come over as much. Reading between the lines it sounded like she was basically saying, 'well if I can't put it in FB then what's the point'

Nothing at all today apart from a few snide FB comments I assume directed at me, but on the whole more or less what I expected.

Hopefully it does actually die down now!

I think you are, sadly, right about that, OP. Does she compete a lot with her FaceBook friends?

My exMIL does. Entire videos of her with her grandchildren, showing them How To Do Yoga (sit cross-legged), or Doing The Icebucket Challenge (cup of warm water because of her Great Fragility). They sound harmless but they drove exOH mad because he said she didn't care about the kids, they were just props in her show and it was all very 'Look at meeeee, look at meeeee!'

He didn't have a happy childhood.

@LineyDancer god that sounds awful, and I think unfortunately it's going the same way with my MIL, it really is an attention seeking exercise. I'm not saying of course that she's heartless and doesn't love the baby, it's just that she loves the attention the baby brings.

She even went as far as to send a load of moonpig balloons with 'it's a girl' on to HER work Hahahaha not to give to us, for her from herself!! Loads of them! So weird!

I just think that is odd (if not slightly humorous!) behaviour! It's just all about her, everything always is!!

That said, I'm still happy I said something. I feel like even though I didn't get to say everything I wanted, I still got to say something and felt I took a little bit of power back.

Hoping this odd behaviour sorts itself out now...although I get the feeling she will always be a bit on the selfish side, but I'll take that any day over her recent overbearing, interference!

I don't think her behaviour will sort itself out.

She went off in a huff. She'll try it on again. She'll assume you only meant "don't put THESE pictures onto FB", and will keep trying.

You're going to have to keep on top of things with her.

starlive22 she actually sounds like my DM in a lot of ways. My DM has pictures all over FB and makes her look like a fabulous GM and GGM she gets lovely comments from everyone it's all a show. She is a crap GM and shows absolutely no interest in any of the GC. Comes to my home and takes more pics of my dog. Doesnt help with my DC and never has. Turned up to my house after I had a c section with DC3 to help me with my 3 yr old. She ended up getting up at midday and stepping over my crying DD and asking if she was being spoilt and looking for attention, asked me with my eldest DS why I was bothering to talk to him. My DM will always make everything about her even when her DBs were dying. All displayed on FB too. It will be interesting in your MiL case if she will back off. It really will depend whether she really loves her GD. If she does let's hope it is a loving relationship which is all we want for our DC. What's funny though is my DC love my DM as she is quite a funny eccentric woman!

And just another word of warning - with the older (young adult) grandchildren, exMIL has a technique for insinuating herself into their lives, which is insisting on lending them money for things (more fool them for accepting it; although she's terribly persuasive) and then banging on and on about them needing to pay it back including turning up at one grandson's place of work.

When exOH challenged her, she cried for a month.

@DancesWithOtters absolutely right, she's batshit. The balloons, all the charms on her bracelet, the only item of clothing she bought for the baby was a vest saying 'if you think I'm cute you should see my grandma' which thankfully the baby was too big for!!

It's just all a bit of fun and attention for HER! If that was my mum I'd die but DH seems used to her behaviour, or at least not too surprised by it which makes me wonder what she was like when he was a kid!

@spacecadet48 your MIL sounds as bloody deranged as mine, shame it sounds like her behaviour just isn't going to let up at all, have a feeling my MIL won't either

@OnTheRise if she puts anything in FB after the 4 or 5 separate times I've mentioned it, I'll lose my shit entirely!

@Starlive22, I won't blame you.

She reminds me of my own mother, who will go out of her way to do things she's asked not to, and to then be upset if you pull her up on it.

No wonder I don't see my parents anymore!