MIL issues!!

[Starlive22]

Before I start...yes I know I'm being unreasonable but if I don't rant I'll literally explode...

MIL only visited 3 or 4 times during whole (complicated) pregnancy.

The day baby was born she came to the hospital, the day after she got back from holiday, laughed at how the baby was big, kissed her all over the face and then told everyone she felt faint and that she had diarrhoea.

The next day she announced my baby's birth on Facebook with probably the worst picture of me in history after o told her I didn't want any pics on Facebook.

Since then she has come to my house every day expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I've still got an indwelling catheter, and I had a c section so I'm not exactly up running rings around people at the moment.

Please tell me it's normal to feel so upset that she hasn't given us one day as a family on our own. I only came out of hospital yesterday and I just want her to give us a bit of space, especially as she hasn't really ever been part of our lives. It's a shocker that she has descended on us like this!

I realise that I'm lucky she has been interested and that not everyone has mother in laws and some people don't have people round them, I know I'm lucky. I just feel a bit overwhelmed and emotional.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, just a bit of reassurance that I'm not a not evil!! X

Has she taken down the pictures from FB, yet?

What didn’t DH reply to her text about the long weekend? Did he definitely say: that’s not going to work for us? If he hasn’t, he needs to otherwise she’ll be around again without fail

Text every one to stay away as you've got the sickness bug so hopefully you'll get a peaceful long weekend

Amazing idea!! Do this op! I'm pleased you've had a couple of days to yourself.

I think I'd find once a week far too much especially as she's not been like it from the start.

If she’s anything like my MIL and I said: we all had a sickness bug she’d offer to take the baby so we could recover!

Oh OP I feel for you.

But the bit about "2 special girls" did give me a second of empathetic laughter.

My MIL posted on FB the other day about the "2 Special Girls" in her family (her DD and DGD) and someone commented "Err... SalaMIL... don't you have 3 special girls in your family now?" She replied "Oh yeah... how could I forget about SalaDH's Dog!"

At least I know my place... So it could be worse LOL!

Would struggle being in your shoes and know where you're coming from. Hope you get the space you need to enjoy LO!

This is your family bonding time that she is invading.

Dh needs to quietly and kindly tell her the next week is off limits that you need to rest (and you do!) and have some time together. He can tell her how delighted he is that she has shown some interest.

You really won’t get this time back again. So start as you mean to go on with you doing what is manageable for you

The photos on Facebook pissed me off no end. We told ex's family on advance not to put pictures on Facebook. Of course his Mother did. I got him to have a word and she cried and said she'd remove them. She didn't. I spoke to her and they were removed within the hour because I made it plain if she didn't I'd report them and esculate if needed.

We didn't get on. She was an absolute nightmare during my pregnancy. She was deliberately nasty and tried to cause stress/arguments throughout. She informed of us of the three names we could use as she didn't like any of ours. I made it plain we would be picking the name and it was not up for discussion.

She backed off massively when my ex sat us both down in front of his family and repeated everything horrible she'd said about me (he was trying to upset me though) and I simply replied "I told you MY Mum's not a bitch. That's why I involve her." The rest of his family were appalled so she had to behave after that.

Just stick to the broken record and don't bother about her playing the victim. Everyone else is probably aware she plays the victim too.

Congratulations on the baby and hope your recovery is quick and easy :)

Sympathies OP.
My MIL is a nightmare. Luckily DH is very quick to put her in her place so now she's doing a creepy fake-nice act. It's infuriating but also hilarious because you can see she's fuming underneath and dying to criticise everything we do with HER precious GC but she doesn't dare at the moment.

I do find it sad though, I had a great relationship with my ex's mum and I'd like to have that with my MIL.
It's never going to happen unfortunately, she is nothing but a burden to DH and he can't stand to be in the same room as her and only keeps contact out of duty. I'd hate to think my DS would ever think like that about me.

Ugh she's becoming relentless in the text messages now, she wants to come round tonight. I'm thinking I might say after about an hour that I'm shattered and that we are going g to bed (not lies btw haha!)

What is it with these women? It's beyond me, I'd be beyond mortified if I treated somebody like this. It's not like she doesn't know she laughed at us and ignored us for all that time, she's not a stupid woman by any stretch. Seems she must just think it's acceptable?

DH is a wonderful dad, brilliant husband but sadly no good with confrontation at all. Looks like I'm going to have to take this j to my own hands.

It's not like I'm saying she can never come round it's just that she must know she's well overstepping the mark.

@salakadolamoo bloody hell!! This is the type of behaviour I am talking about, how man people be so bloody insensitive?

You're not obliged to say yes! Just say "sorry that doesn't work for us, we're having some much needed quiet family time after the rush of all the visitors".

Then repeat!

DH needs to grow a spine and back you up. Have you had that emotional strip yet?

STROP even! Ffs! Although an emotional strip may be entertaining!

My love, you just text her back with "Not tonight, not for the foreseeable future. I'm not up to any visits, will let you know when I am and then we'll get a date and time agreed"

then doors don't get answered

NO! Don't let her come round at all! She's spent loads of time with you and the baby already. Have this week as no visitors. Text her what Hissy said.

Or do let her come round tonight. Just text back saying 'Lovely, DH might like some company. Baby & I will be out for the evening'😂

I'm waiting for DH to get back from Tesco to have a talk with him. It's so difficult, it seems like I only want my family here and not his. My mum has been round loads, but when she comes she makes us tea, she even let DH go up for a sleep and she helped me with the baby. She's been a godsend and DH knows that, but it's like I'm saying it's one rule for my family and another for his.

It's just that that's not the way it is, even though it seems like it I guess.

I just don't know how she can't see it's not appropriate. It would be nice if she took herself off without me having to say.

From the looks of these responses though I'm far from the only one affected by the curse of the interfering MIL!

@SpikeGilesSandwich I know my MIL too is dying to criticise me, she's doing the same weird fake nice (or in her case fake-love yuk!) and it comes across just so bullshitty I hate it. My special girls. It actually makes my piss itch thinking about her fake kindness. It actually makes me angry!

Maybe after a certain amount of sleep deprivation I'll lose my shit and tell her to F Off and that will solve my problem lol!

"Just say "sorry that doesn't work for us, we're having some much needed quiet family time after the rush of all the visitors".

Then repeat!"

^^ This!!! Please don't underestimate the importance of this bonding time for the three of you. She is being entirely selfish.

It's not about 'his family' and 'your family' its about who is good for you and your baby right now and more importantly who isn't!!

Maybe have some responses prepared that you can send back:

“That doesn’t work for us”
“No thank you. We’re recovering/resting today”
“No, I’m enjoying some time with my child. We’ll invite you when we’re ready”

I ended up saying very bluntly: I have stuff to do and can’t be here every day so please, we’ll let YOU know when it’s suitable for you to come

You've just had an operation. Your mum doesn't count as a visitor. Everyone else does though, and you're not having any

Please don't let her come round tonight.. You need to be tough now and set boundaries.

You are still recovering from an operation and it's your time to bond. Your Mum is helping you, it's not a competition between her and your MIL and she has no right to be irked that your Mum is there with you, of course she would be.. You are her daughter, and unlike your MIL she has been a constant presence in your life.

For your own sanity and well-being, tell her you'll let her know when you are up for visits but at present you are bonding with baby and still recovering, if she even dares to mention your Mum just say "Yes.. My mother is supporting me whilst I get better, that should not be an issue to you, she's a mother looking after her daughter" and leave it as that.

I'm very lucky to have a MIL that has offered to stay with us when we want to help out, this is our first child together and everything will be new, BUT she has said only if we want her help and it's up to us how long for as she doesn't want to intrude, she also didn't want to step on my Mums toes as this will be my Mums first GC, my Mum is very easy going so doesn't mind at all, plus understands that MIL is in the position of being able to stay and help more whereas my DM works and will have less time. This is how adults act, I don't understand the competition with some people, your MIL needs to grow up.

"I am too tired for visitors tonight MIL. Maybe next week. Switching my phone off now to concentrate on baby Star. Starl x "

It's winding me up just reading your posts! She sounds like a nightmare. However you need to set some ground rules.to arrange visits via your DH as you are busy with DC. Not for her to be critical of your time with your own DM. Stop putting pictures on FB without permission. When your MiL comes round your DH needs to sort out refreshments. It always annoys me on these threads that the DH are on the periphery...its their bloody M! It's no wonder there are so many MiL and DiL threads....there DS have no backbone and the DiL is blamed for being difficult!

In all fairness to MIL she doesn't know the situation has changed... for all she knows you were happy to have her around so much and now you've suddenly gone quiet on her (I'm being generous here because most emotionally aware people are conscious about not intruding or overstating their welcome).

I really do think that being firm but polite here is the answer. Just something direct and firm like "it's been nice having you here recently but it's been very tiring. I need to c oncentrate on healing and recovering and bonding with and feeding my baby. And just having some quiet time as a new family. We will let you know when we're feeling up for visitors again in a week or so."

It might be she is a toxic narcissistic who doesn't give a toss about anyone but herself (like in the case of my MIL) or she could just be overexcited about being a GM.

Start off firm and fair and enforce your very reasonable boundaries. This is something that you and DH both need to learn how to do as parents. Your responsibility is to advocate for your DC now.

How she responds to this will show you what her intentions are.

Also, if she won't stop texting again just be firm "MIL I appreciate your concern about me and the baby. But everything is fine. I'm going to switch my phone off now to concentrate on baby."

Good luck

You're so not BU, my mum had the same problem over 60 years ago, my older db was a C section and MIL came to stay to 'help'. My poor mum ended up in hospital with pneumonia and my db had to be fostered out until she recovered. I never met my grandmother!

Protect yourselves from this selfish woman, and don't apologise for the help and love you're getting from your own dm. She won't listen, and you'll just get upset trying to be polite; she isn't bothering to think about your new family's best interests, so you don't have to consider her 'needs' either.

And for the upcoming weekend, maybe offer an hour or two, if you can face it, and when the time is up, say a polite 'thank you for calling round' and go to your bedroom with your baby. You'll probably need to organise this with your dh ahead of time, so he knows to usher her out of your home.

Good luck, and enjoy your beautiful new babyStar.

Not being funny but your husband sounds like a fart in a trance.... Why isn't he defending the mother of his child?

I’d work out when it’s convenient for her to come and text her something like

‘hi mil, it’s not convenient for you to come tomorrow, however are you free to come at 11am on Friday? We are going out at 1 so will have to leave then-but why not stay for lunch and leave just before 1?

That way you can try and stay in control of when she arrives and leaves

I genuinely feel like the 5 minutes I have spent with her is too much, what is wrong with me? Please tell me this is down to sleep deprivation and hormones, I literally cannot imagine having to keep my mouth shut for any longer. Worst thing is she isn't even being nasty she just sits there hogging the baby saying how much she looks like everyone in their family and how she's got her bloody chin and her hair and her mums cheekbones.

Raaannnnnnnttttttttt!!!! Phew. And breathe!