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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL issues!!

254 replies

Starlive22 · 24/03/2018 17:11

Before I start...yes I know I'm being unreasonable but if I don't rant I'll literally explode...

MIL only visited 3 or 4 times during whole (complicated) pregnancy.

The day baby was born she came to the hospital, the day after she got back from holiday, laughed at how the baby was big, kissed her all over the face and then told everyone she felt faint and that she had diarrhoea.

The next day she announced my baby's birth on Facebook with probably the worst picture of me in history after o told her I didn't want any pics on Facebook.

Since then she has come to my house every day expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I've still got an indwelling catheter, and I had a c section so I'm not exactly up running rings around people at the moment.

Please tell me it's normal to feel so upset that she hasn't given us one day as a family on our own. I only came out of hospital yesterday and I just want her to give us a bit of space, especially as she hasn't really ever been part of our lives. It's a shocker that she has descended on us like this!

I realise that I'm lucky she has been interested and that not everyone has mother in laws and some people don't have people round them, I know I'm lucky. I just feel a bit overwhelmed and emotional.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, just a bit of reassurance that I'm not a not evil!! X

OP posts:
Eveforever · 28/03/2018 19:54

Boundaries. It seems clear you need to set them. From what you've said you need to be firm about them, politeness being optional. She is family, so I'd try and keep civil, but I'm a sulky bastard so I'd never forgive her for the 10 year retard thing and would feel free to throw that wonderful 'nickname' in her face as way of demonstrating that she can't just decide to become a regular feature in your home now because it suits her. Sounds like she needs to at least earn back your respect and goodwill before she can hope for anything more. If you want to keep things 'light hearted', tell her she's harder work than the baby and she should be the one helping you out and making you tea! If your husband isn't able to sort things out with her, maybe you should write her a letter or email, face to face is better in some ways, but not if you think you might blow up at her.

sometimesmisssunshine · 28/03/2018 19:58

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I totally agree that her son needs to lay down the boundaries - lets face it, not many of us would want our mother in laws around all the time after having a baby - I say not many cause I know that some people are luckily enough to really get on with theirs - but let alone when you've been through what you have and need to be recovering!!

If her son won't say something then I'd just take matters into your own hands and let her know politely that you're not up to such frequent visits and maybe she can limit visits to once a week or something / or for an hr at a time etc.

Bluelady · 28/03/2018 20:09

Ask her to do things - make her own tea, clean the bathroom, hoover, change the bed, whatever - I bet you won't see -theold bitch- her father r dust.

Bluelady · 28/03/2018 20:10

Bollocks! I bet you won't see her for dust.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2018 20:14

You need more distance from her. When she's visiting at the right interval for the right length of time you won't be cracking after 5 mins.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 28/03/2018 20:25

Why should you keep your mouth shut though? Sleep deprivation/hormones or not, you've just gone through a huge life changing event and major surgery. She's not respecting your boundaries and your DH isn't supporting you in setting any.

You'd be perfectly reasonable to let rip at the pair of them. Let's face it, neither of them are putting you or the baby first in this, they're putting themselves first for various reasons. YOU need to put you and the baby first, because no one else is Flowers

Motoko · 28/03/2018 21:34

So, she came round again this evening? Why? Didn't you ask her not to? You had several good ideas for what to text her, that were polite and respectful. Much better than allowing her to keep coming round, only to eventually lose your rag and give her a piece of your mind. That will go down much worse.

Time to stop allowing her to walk all over you.

Original poster
Starlive22 · 28/03/2018 22:35

Well I managed not to kill anyone!! I also got her to take the photos from Facebook while I was there so I was pleased at least with that.

Bit annoyed at DH as he saw them taking more photos and I knew he wasn't going to say anything about Facebook despite my obvious eyeballing! But decided to just say it myself and although she said she was hurt she couldn't do it she did take the pics down. Then followed it up with 'well what will you do when you go into the supermarket, that's just like Facebook, people will see the baby there too'....I was just like 'erm no it's not the same thing at all!!!'

Had to put up with all her usual shite and the 'well if you will be too posh to push...' comments about the c section (of course, because I just had one for fun!) but managed to put her off now until the weekend. Small win but it's something!

OP posts:
Figmentofimagination · 28/03/2018 22:45

Too posh to push!! I would be livid if anyone said that to me. How did you manage not to explode when she said that?

Livingtothefull · 28/03/2018 22:54

'Too posh to push!! I would be livid if anyone said that to me. How did you manage not to explode when she said that?'

I agree with you Figment...I had a c section myself, it was some years ago now but I still felt my own hackles rise just reading this. How DARE she say that to you when you are still recovering from the birth? Like a c section is some kind of soft option? I honestly don't know how you contained yourself hearing that.

So just to be clear, did she turn up this evening then even though you had asked her not to?

Oraiste · 28/03/2018 22:57

Nip the 'too posh to push' thing in the bud. My DH was reluctant to say anything to his family after our first but I eventually pointed out that I couldn't take it and if he didn't say something then I would. He did step up.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2018 23:05

DH did tell her to get to fuck over the too posh to push comment didn't he?

Why did you let her visit? Appeasement is not your friend.

Hissy · 29/03/2018 00:17

Oh you have WAY more patience than I do!

No fucking way would the too posh to push thing get past me

Your h SERIOUSLY needs to stop that right now!!

Absofrigginlootly · 29/03/2018 00:52

Had to put up with all her usual shite and the 'well if you will be too posh to push...' comments about the c section (of course, because I just had one for fun!) but managed to put her off now until the weekend. Small win but it's something!

No no no no no. PLEASE read that website I mentioned "daughters of narcissistic mothers" specifically the section on narcissistic GMs.

It is damaging for children to see their parents disrespected and insulted and undermined and their parents just rolling over and taking it. In the nicest way possible, you need to grow a backbone. It's how you teach your children not to be enablers.

I know your baby is just a newborn right now and oblivious. But this is the time to start as you mean to go on. Set appropriate boundaries and enforce them.

No "oh well I suppose you can come round after all and again at r weekend" especially if she is just going to be rude to you.

This is a very important and precious bonding time. You won't get it back.

I regret not standing up to my insulting, intrusive MIL more. I made my displeasure clear with replies like "thanks" (pissy tone, hard stare) which usually resulted in a flustered back track on her part (to an extent - the woman knows no bounds). But if I could go back I would have just told her in no uncertain terms was I going to accept her being so rude to me in my own house and if she continued she would be asked to leave and not come back.

You have so many more important things to be doing right now than giving this woman your emotional energy. Your DH is failing in his responsibilities as a father and a husband by not advocating for you and his baby.

When you get the time, you really should read the Toxic Inlaws book

SandAndSea · 29/03/2018 00:53

OP, I can't imagine ever speaking to my dil like this. I'm grateful for any contact and always try to be supportive of her. Your mil is being incredibly rude and inappropriate to you. It's hard to read actually. Please take on board some of the assertive message suggestions on here to define your boundaries before you blow up at her.

Ariesgirl1988 · 29/03/2018 02:04

Too posh to push! seriously had that been said to me I would've not so poshly pushed her out the door with a "don't come back you're not welcome until you change your attitude" remark how cheeky! You should call her on these comments she makes then and there a simple sarcastic response like sorry excuse me for not pushing the baby out of my vagina because there was a complication or use the reason you had to have a c-section.

OnTheRise · 29/03/2018 07:51

I'm waiting for DH to get back from Tesco to have a talk with him. It's so difficult, it seems like I only want my family here and not his. My mum has been round loads, but when she comes she makes us tea, she even let DH go up for a sleep and she helped me with the baby. She's been a godsend and DH knows that, but it's like I'm saying it's one rule for my family and another for his.

But it's the same rules for both sets of parents: if they behave nicely and treat you appropriately, and are fun and nice and helpful to be around you'll be glad to have them: if they bully or insult you, you won't.

Don't feel guilty for wanting to be treated with respect, OP.

troodiedoo · 29/03/2018 07:52

Angry your dh needs to find his backbone sharpish!

I know violence is a nono on here but I would love to punch your mil in the face.

Hortonlovesahoo · 29/03/2018 08:42

“Too posh to push”?! I’d be tempted to reply something extremely harsh to that response.

What does your DH do when she says shit like that?

You’re right that hormones and emotions are high right now. That’s exactly why your DH needs to have your back

Thebluedog · 29/03/2018 09:27

Too posh to push arghhh that gives me the rage just reading that. I think I’d pull out the usual mn line and say ‘do you mean to be so rude’ Next time she says that

SickofThomasTheTank · 30/03/2018 18:13

So your husband just sat there and said nothing, knowing how much that it upset you? Wow

Sashkin · 30/03/2018 18:24

“Too posh to push”? WTF? She is goading you to throw her out...

And she’d have succeeded with me. She would have been out on her ear and banned from returning. DS nearly died, I would have physically assaulted anyone who made a joke out of that so soon after the birth.

Livingtothefull · 31/03/2018 01:16

I agree that your MIL needs to get the message that she has totally overstepped the mark…..but at the moment you are still recovering from major surgery. Once you are better you can decide what your boundaries are.

But I am worried that you may see the above as some kind of criticism of how you are handling this situation & I don't believe it is intended as such.

I am indignant at the way your MIL has treated you, you deserve so much more respect. But for the time being, it is your DH who should be stepping up and protecting you from this, I can't understand why he is not doing it.

I remember sobbing shortly after my c section because some family members insisted on asking me my opinion about something….just expressing a simple opinion was too much for me to cope with.

Because I was still recovering just needed to be looked after & spend my time bonding with DS. I wouldn't have been up to arguing with anybody or throwing them out of my house however richly they deserved it.

FrozenMargarita17 · 31/03/2018 01:36

OP I can't believe what I've just read! You've got to place your boundaries now otherwise things are going to be out of control

Puffycat · 31/03/2018 01:51

You’re not lucky
She sounds like a total fucking pain in the arse and you do not need this shite when you’ve just given birth

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