MIL issues!!

[Starlive22]

Before I start...yes I know I'm being unreasonable but if I don't rant I'll literally explode...

MIL only visited 3 or 4 times during whole (complicated) pregnancy.

The day baby was born she came to the hospital, the day after she got back from holiday, laughed at how the baby was big, kissed her all over the face and then told everyone she felt faint and that she had diarrhoea.

The next day she announced my baby's birth on Facebook with probably the worst picture of me in history after o told her I didn't want any pics on Facebook.

Since then she has come to my house every day expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I've still got an indwelling catheter, and I had a c section so I'm not exactly up running rings around people at the moment.

Please tell me it's normal to feel so upset that she hasn't given us one day as a family on our own. I only came out of hospital yesterday and I just want her to give us a bit of space, especially as she hasn't really ever been part of our lives. It's a shocker that she has descended on us like this!

I realise that I'm lucky she has been interested and that not everyone has mother in laws and some people don't have people round them, I know I'm lucky. I just feel a bit overwhelmed and emotional.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, just a bit of reassurance that I'm not a not evil!! X

I would strongly recommend having your mother there next time your MIL decides to show her face.
If your H doesn't push back against her ridiculous comments ("too posh to push" - oh DO fuck off!!) then I'm quite sure your mother will!!

You should not have to put up with any of this. Your H is not being a good husband or father when he allows his mother to denigrate you, the mother of his child - lack of respect for you will ultimately affect your child as well, even if he can't see that now, and the only way to be a good and decent husband AND father is for him to step up and tell his awful toad of a mother to back the fuck off!

Well me and DH had a huge row ☹️ we don't really argue like that normally so it was really upsetting but I just gave him both barrels, told him I didn't like his mum, how bad she had been and how I just couldn't bond with her. He took it quite well, as in he could see why I felt that way, but be STILL didn't tell her not to come and half an hour she was at my door!! He's useless. I love dH very much but this with his mum is too much for me.

She only stayed half an hour thankfully but this is just not what I expected at all. DH has been wonderful to me and with DD since my operation, but all this shit with his mum s s to be hanging over is like a bloody shadow at this wonderful time in our lives.

Just wish she would back off. She came round to show us the new pandora bracelet she bought for herself with daisy charms (DD name is Daisy) and a rainbow one as she is a rainbow baby. Said they cost a fortune. Then left!!! It seemed like she came round jus to show off!! Luckily my mum was there at the time and I asked my mum what she thought and my mum said the same, it was like she was boasting. I just don't get her at all.

OP: could you tell your MIL that you don’t want visitors if your DH won’t? It seems like your DH understands but doesn’t want to stand up to her?

Your mil is massively overstepping and is making this all about her. The rainbow charm thing would be the tipping point for me. She's exploiting your tragedy and clearly revelling in the drama that surrounds the newborn stage. Tell your dh to send her a message right now telling her that you aren't feeling very well so you are having a few days just the three of you. Do not pander to her anymore. If she kicks off then ignore.

She sounds completely batshit, especially re the bracelet

Unfortunately whilst your mil was initially OTT and irritating you have changed your tone to simply disliking her. She has said some appauling things however she is your DH mother and I am sure if he suddenly started venting about your DM you would be offended. Why do you think he should suddenly ban her visiting?

spacecadet do you understand the rainbow baby reference? I'd find that upsetting, the charm bracelet thing.

Honestly you need to stop this now. Take the baby and go to bed every time she comes. Leave DH to entertain her. He will end up telling her to go. I am not surprised you don't like her, how rude. If she makes the too posh to push comment again fix her with an icy glare and sat "would you rather we'd both died? No? Then please don't EVER make that comment again." So sorry it's causing stress and tension between you and your DH. It's really hard when neglected adult children get a glimpse of what they wanted their parents to be. It really hurts them. My MIL does this to DH and every time he goes running. Luckily she lives far away and other my does it a couple of times a year. It's really sad.

She has said some appauling things
Why do you think he should suddenly ban her visiting?

I think you just answered your own question.

OP seriously show your DP this thread. Let him read it from other people how out of order his DM is being.

Order the books toxic parents and toxic inlaws NOW. He needs to read them.

You have her mobile number as she keeps texting you. Yes your DH should be sticking up for you and baby but clearly he's not going to.

Send her a text NOW saying that you are "too exhausted by the constant visits and you need to rest and heal now. You and DH are also going to have some much needed quiet bonding time with the baby and will let her know in a week or so when you are next up for a quick visit"

@spacecadet48 I don't want to ban her from visiting, I'm just finding it hard to cope with the amount of time she is spending visiting and the way she acts. I really just don't know how I'm supposed to suddenly bond with her as she now wants to, at arguably the most sleep deprived and emotional time of my life!

@LokiBear that's exactly exactly how I felt, like she's suddenly learned the term 'rainbow baby' and kind of jumped on the bandwagon. Honest to god last time I miscarried I started crying in front of her (she came round about a week later) and she felt so awkward she left the room. No hug, no 'are you ok?' Just walked out and drove home and left me sitting there. So the rainbow baby reference seems like some new attention seeking BS to me.

@Pheasantplucker2 Exactly right. So hard to see DH finally getting some praise from his mum and it's causing such friction.

I just want her to back off. Not forever, just for now. Just until I get my head round being a new mum. Maybe build some kind of bond slowly, genuinely, you just can't force that kind of thing I think, not just to suit. It's not fair.

Something will have to give, and it will be me having to say something but I just didn't want it to come to this.

Something will have to give, and it will be me having to say something but I just didn't want it to come to this.

Unfortunately with people that have no boundaries and essentially don't care about the affect they have on others, this is the only way to deal with them.

Just be firm and consistent in stating and reinforcing your (appropriate!) boundaries and eventually she will get the message.

I would feel exactly the same. I lost my second pregnancy at 13 weeks. I dont refer to dd2 as my 'rainbow', it isn't a metaphor that brings me any comfort. I was pregnant 3 times, I have 2 children. I have my own mementos and reminders of the baby I lost and they are private to dh and me. If someone else started referring to dd2 as 'their rainbow' is want to rip their face off. I'm so sorry you've had such a stressful start. I hope your dh steps up and forces her to back off.

@LokiBear I'm exactly the same, I find the 'rainbow baby' terminology a bit uncomfortable and I'm not really one to use it. Totally and completely understand and appreciate people who do, but I don't, and MIL would know that about me if she knew me better, that's what hurts. You have totally hit the nail on the head with why it stings

Starlive - I'm sorry that your DH has shown himself to be so lily-livered when it comes to standing up to his mother.
She is obviously, even more so now, making this baby "all about her" and you don't need that in your lives at the moment.
I'm glad your mum was there with you this time - hope that can be arranged for every time your MIL deigns to visit you in the next few weeks!

Your DH needs to sort his priorities out and he needs to find his place in his family - currently kowtowing to his bullying mother riding roughshod over the pair of you is absolutely unacceptable. I know that you don't want to ban his mother but I think it would be perfectly fair to say that you don't want her in your home again until better boundaries have been established, and you'd prefer for him to do that than you take on the job.

Keep going - stay strong in your own beliefs and self-worth, and get your husband to sort his head out.

DH seems to think this will just be a phase and she'll be back to her old self soon enough. I'm inclined to agree, she is and always has been incredibly selfish and I'm sure this new found interest in anyone other than herself will be short lived. I think that's why he's not saying anything, he said just ride the storm on this one, nobody ends up being offended and life will settle down. I do agree with him, but it seems every time I see her it's like I have a meltdown over the latest thing she has upset me with.

Im sure things will settle down but it all just seems to have come at the wrong time

I'd still have to say something to her. If she is offended that's her problem. I don't see why you should have to put up with her bad behaviour until she backs off.

But you're offended, and you've just had a major operation and are trying to settle in to being a new Mum. You're all protecting her feelings at the expense of your own, and quite frankly, your husband should be backing you up and protecting you from this.

Stop pandering to her.

You're all protecting her feelings at the expense of your own, and quite frankly, your husband should be backing you up and protecting you from this

This.

OP I still don't understand why she is still just coming round. Have you asked your DH to suggest she only comes round when invited? I can see he might want to avoid her challenge that your DM comes round - because it sounds as if he wouldn't be able to say "yes but she's helpful". Do put your collective feet down - waiting for his M to cool down is just wasting precious time for the three of you.

he said just ride the storm on this one, nobody ends up being offended and life will settle down.

Errr except you

OP you've had many many suggestions from posters who've been there got the T shirt or worse from overbearing, toxic relatives.

If you're not going to listen to any of the advice being offered and are not prepared to politely reinforce your own very reasonable boundaries to have some time to rest and recover then you are both making your own bed.

For all your MIL knows you are happy to have her around so much. She's not psychic if you don't tell her otherwise.

Why did you create this thread if you're going to ignore all advice and then say "I'm sure it will all settle down"

I don't know really, I just wanted to know I wasn't losing my mind and turning into a hormonal wreck!

She wanted to come round tonight but DH said we were busy so she said she would leave it. Not a perfect solution of course, but a step in the right direction.

I really haven't ignored all the advice I've received, a lot of it has really helped and after I showed DH the thread it seemed to snap him back to reality (hoping permanently !) for him to see it wasn't me being over the top, virtually everyone else has agreed. It's given me the confidence to have courage in my convictions, at least with DH and feel like I'm not just upset because of hormones etc

Really really appreciate the advice and tips I've received, and quite naively startled rinse this is common!!

She wanted to come round tonight but DH said we were busy so she said she would leave it. Not a perfect solution of course, but a step in the right direction.

That was the perfect opportunity for him to say "no not tonight and while we're talking/texting we actually need a bit of space for a week or so. We'll be in touch when we feel up for visits again".

You keep posting like you have no choice but to suck it up whenever she wants to come round. You do have a choice. You are an adult. You can choose to be polite but firm in stating your availability
"That doesn't work for us"
"I'll have to get back to you on that one"
"I need some time to rest and recover"
"We'll be in touch when we're feeling up for more visits"
Etc etc

All polite and non confrontational.

You both need to learn to enforce your boundaries as parents otherwise you're going to be back on here in a few months saying MIL is trying to feed my baby solids at 3 months/ MIL insists on having baby overnight/ MIL insists on undermining our attempts to discipline/feed healthily/raise/educate/dress/delete as appropriate.....

You don't need to go in all guns blazing... but in a way it should not really fair on your MIL if you keep appeasing her until you reach your limit and blow your top at her. She's not psychic and doesn't necessarily know she's offending you and possibly you off of you don't tel her.

Of course you might find if she is truely toxic that telling her won't make any difference (it didn't with my MiL) but at least you know you're being open and honest which if she turns out just be an overexcited GM rather than a toxic one, then you're going to need to foster a more honest dialogue with her moving forward

I'm hoping DH will have a talk with her during the week. When she called earlier we were out so he couldn't really talk, but everyone here is absolutely right, I need to get myself together and speak to her politely but firmly.

Some of the things she says and does I just expect her to know are offensive but I suppose really she might not, she could be oblivious to how sarky she can be.

I'll have another talk with DH (still would prefer it to come from him) but as I suspect he won't do what I've asked, I'll have to just do it myself. It's pathetic, I'm a 34 year old woman hiding from my mother in law!

I know what I have to do and say, it's just the doing it that I'm not looking forward to but it's going to have to be done, otherwise @Absofrigginlootly is going to be 100% correct and she'll be telling me how to bring up my own daughter if this carries on

Well, he hasn't done what you've asked so far...why do you expect a different outcome this time?