MIL issues!!

[Starlive22]

Before I start...yes I know I'm being unreasonable but if I don't rant I'll literally explode...

MIL only visited 3 or 4 times during whole (complicated) pregnancy.

The day baby was born she came to the hospital, the day after she got back from holiday, laughed at how the baby was big, kissed her all over the face and then told everyone she felt faint and that she had diarrhoea.

The next day she announced my baby's birth on Facebook with probably the worst picture of me in history after o told her I didn't want any pics on Facebook.

Since then she has come to my house every day expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I've still got an indwelling catheter, and I had a c section so I'm not exactly up running rings around people at the moment.

Please tell me it's normal to feel so upset that she hasn't given us one day as a family on our own. I only came out of hospital yesterday and I just want her to give us a bit of space, especially as she hasn't really ever been part of our lives. It's a shocker that she has descended on us like this!

I realise that I'm lucky she has been interested and that not everyone has mother in laws and some people don't have people round them, I know I'm lucky. I just feel a bit overwhelmed and emotional.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, just a bit of reassurance that I'm not a not evil!! X

Do you have any mutual friends who can keep an eye on things for you? I'd be worried about her putting things on And blocking you from seeing them.
She might not be aware of how at the moment but I s possible someone might tell her how.
Sounds like she likes attention, I have some similar issues with my MIL and I'm on the verge of saying something.
It's like she doesn't like her own son and holds things against him from when he was a child. She makes digs all the time and it's mean.
So far I've held my tongue but if it goes on for much longer I can feel myself snapping.
Well done for handling it so well!

@Strawberry2017 it's a bloody minefield isn't it? You don't want to say too much and start off world war 3 but you can't say nothin as she would take a mile if given an inch. It's such a delicate situation but I think I will have to say more in the future, I can't imagine it just stopping this easily!

@Starlive22 I wish I could tell you some of the things she's said but I have no clue if any of his family are on here and it would be very identifying.
I don't think DH would mind if I started WW3 as I think he has begun to get fed up with her too. We have tried so hard with her but she expects everything on her terms.
Luckily we don't have to see her very often as even he doesn't want to go and visit.
I'll just do my best but hope for her sake she doesn't catch me on an off day!

I don't understand why it's an issue for her to put pics on Facebook? Loads of people out there kids on Fb and keep their privacy settings strict. Some people even put pics of their kids on selling groups!
I totally get everything else, totally. Inc the balloons - WTF?!
Ultimately though, she is the baby's grandmother and it's fair enough for her to want to show Off her grandchild!

Maybe come to some compromise? Ie: She can upload them but only so many so often, or with only certain people able to see them or even with baby's face blurred?!?! That way she is playing the 'doting grandma' role but baby's face isn't on there??

sickof I disagree about compromising on this issue. Why should the OP and her DH if it's something they have decided together? Having children on social media isn't compulsory. There are very good privacy issues why not to have them online and I personally think children should chose this for themselves when old enough.

Anyway, the fbook thing in itself is a red herring. I would also bet its about attention and possibly going against something the OP has specifically said as baby's mother, just to show that she can if she wants to (power games). My MIL was the same. Used to do stupid things like refuse to take her shoes off on my house when asked, take pictures of me when I asked her not to (I was a few weeks post-baby, no makeup, greasy hair, wearing pjs and thick maternity pad...but she did it anyway). Purely because I'd asked her not to.

Not compulsory

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/technology/2014/sep/21/children-privacy-online-facebook-photos

Your mil sounds very much like my ex ils, from the moment my now ex & I announced I was pregnant the ownership of our child was snatched by the in laws. I never got to choose the colour or theme I wanted for the nursery, it was decided by my ex sil who turned up with matching bedding, wall stickers, border, mobile etc without asking & just to make sure we used them got ex fil to paint the room & put border & stickers up while we were away for the weekend.

Like op I had a crap birth ending in a section & spent several days in high dependency before escaping home late on a Friday night, we had the usual first night nerves of being new parents & were shattered next morning when at 8.00 the doorbell started ringing waking ds who we had finally got to drop off, in trooped mil & fil, first words...."Get the kettle on" no asking if we were ok or needed any help (ex-h had been diagnosed with MS a month before ds was born) then picked ds from my arms without asking. We couldn't even get rid of them when the midwife came to check my scar, mil even followed us upstairs & answered midwife's questions before I had chance to, for the rest of the day all of other in laws trooped in snatching ds when we were trying to feed & settle him, I was in tears after realising I had flooded through my maternity pad & clothes, all I got was "what's up with her?" as I half crawled upstairs tears streaming down my face. Ex-h managed eventually to usher them all out the door about 5.00pm, we hadn't eaten all day & were practically sleep walking by then & ds was screaming blue murder after pass the baby.

Due to the birth & ex-h's illness I developed PND & found it hard to bond with ds, we never got a moment's peace from ils, right down to when I came downstairs with ds to let ex-h get some sleep at around 5.00am as he did first shift, at 5.50am ex mil would knock on window as she was taking dog for first walk to papershop to ask for a look at ds! After that I used to keep blinds & curtains firmly shut & put tv on silent for enough light to feed & change ds.

If I had my time again I would plan to go somewhere far away from everyone for at least 6 weeks after giving birth, I certainly wouldn't put myself & my child through that & end up being made to feel guilty for being ill after giving birth. OP stick up for yourself & tell your dh to grow a pair & tell his dm to stay away from you until she can behave herself & show you some respect.

Nat that is just truely awful to read . My MIL did some pretty awful shit (including the snatching DD out of my arms, point blank refusing to hand her back when she was crying for me/a feed etc etc).... but luckily she only turned up once or twice uninvited and I just stayed upstairs with DD the whole time so she got the message. Why TF do some women behave like that?!!? They've had children themselves, they know how vulnerable and exhausted and emotional and tired it makes you.... URGH!

Crikey. Who do these women think they are? I’m glad your mil situation is getting sorted Starlive. Buying herself balloons and a bracelet is crazy. They should be presents for you, not her. I hope you now get plenty of time to bond with your baby.

Nat
Abso
Your in laws sound awful too. How can women, who know how draining childbirth is seriously act like this? It defies all human decency.

Mummy oh that wasn't the half of it. She asked me what would I do with the stuff I'd bought for DD if something went wrong (stillbirth) when I was 8 months pregnant. Asked me if I was getting formula in "in case I failed miserably at BF". Said upon announcing our pregnancy "we'll I don't know what sort of parents you'll be". Forcibly and repeatedly told us to put 7 week old DD in her own room and leave her to cry for the night" (DD it turned out had severe silent reflux, severe cmpa and soy allergy - DH told her to "fuck off"

@Sickofthomasthetank: it’s not compulsory at all. There’s plenty of reasons to not want pictures on Facebook:

1. a lot of people don’t understand their security and privacy settings. My in laws didn’t understand that a cover picture is public regardless of your privacy settings)
2. based on the privacy concerns about what Facebook/instagram does with pictures then I wouldn’t want any identifying pictures on there

We chose to not have any identifying pictures for the following reasons:

1. she has the rest of her life to have a digital footprint. She deserves this privacy when she doesn’t have the right to say: no. When she has the ability to choose whether she wants to be there, then we’ll reevaluate.

More importantly, why is it important for others to see the pictures? We send lots of pictures to grandparents so they can see her and I’m sure they show those pictures to their friends from their phones. Why does it need to be uploaded to social media?

OP: if my MIL got a rainbow charm for me and behaved like yours, I’d go instantly angry at her.

I really hate people putting pictures of my children on Facebook. I do the occasional one. But then again I KNOW everyone on my friends list. And my security settings are tight.

I don't know people on everyone else's friends list.

My family ask me and respect my decision.

Makes me feel sick how some of you have been treated with your newborn babies. I used to feel sick and wild when I was in a different room to her, I can't imagine how I would cope with people taking her from me and passing her around 😕.

Absofriggin
Wow! I’m glad you’re nc. You mil doesn’t deserve access to your dd. 7 week old to cry for the night?? Wtf stupid woman.

It's more that I've asked her not to and she has still put the pics on there. She put them on FB before I'd even had a chance to tell some of my friends and family, she essentially broke the news I was dying to break! Plus if i say she can put one or two pics on then I feel she will take advantage and end up with loads of pics on there when it's not what I wanted. @Absofrigginlootly Has got the nail on the head, it's the lack of respect of my baby, not hers! She really should respect my wishes should she not? Even if she finds them totally unreasonable (which I don't think they are) she should still respect my wishes i feel.

Mummy another gem I just remembered was looking me up at downs and saying "you've still got a bit of a stomach havnt you?"...I was 6 weeks postpartum

Oh and complaining to DH that I never let her hold the baby. DH replied "that's not true you hold her every time you visit"..... MIL replied "yes but Absos always there"
Errrr where tf am I supposed to be its my house and my newborn baby?!

I could go on. But I won't! Stupid woman indeed. Glad to be rid of her. I won't have her toxic influence in my DDs life.

*up and down

Your wishes are totally reasonable. And yes, they should be respected even if they weren’t. It is not as though you are keeping a genuinely loving and caring mil away from your baby, which as the parent you would be still entitled to do. But that wouldn’t be in the best interest of your child. Your mil is just horrid.

Abso.
I’d love to know the relationship people like your mil had with her mil.

Mummyof highly dysfunctional. Her MIL is a classic enmeshed mother with her only child DS (FIL) and has mental health problems herself. She hated MIL and refused to go to their wedding. She also refused to acknowledge her as her grandchildrens mother and would demand she drop her toddler grandchildren off at the bottom of the driveway so they could walk up to the house so she didn't have to speak to her. They were handed back the same way. After a few years I think MIL put her foot down and now they have an oddly civil relationship which basically involves mutual contempt and dysfunction all round

The whole family is highly toxic and dysfunctional all round (MILs as well as FILs side) and obviously that pattern has filtered down to her children (my DH and siblings).

Hence why we took the decision to separate ourselves and make sure the dysfunction stopped with us. We will not allow our DC to be dragged into it

@Absofrigginlootly I'd have burst into tears if someone had insulted my weight, she sounds absolutely horrid. Also, like what was she expecting in your own house with your own baby? Haha these people are batshit!

Abso
Your poor dh and siblings growing up with this. I hope his grandparents were nice to him throughout this.

I’m glad you and your dh have managed to break the cycle with your children. My brother and sil are eff’d up people. Sil very much like my mother. My therapist said there was no coincidence brother and sil were drawn to eachother across a crowded room.....

My sil and mother have an interesting dynamic too. Not as extreme as your example. I’m nc with sil and brother. This is partly because my sil doesn’t like my mother but my brother wouldn’t accept her fighting with or bullying my mother (cos he’s mummy’s golden boy) so she uses me and now my young dd as stand ins. That works because I’m the family scapegoat so nothing wrong there and they can all egg eachother on to bully me!

Standing back, no longer having an emotional connection, it’s very interesting seeing the childish games these people play. If your mil were ever capable of reflection, I wonder if she could ever comprehend her behaviour is so much that of her own mil. Another case of son marrying his mother no less.

The balloons and bracelets are things you would buy for the mother not the grandmother.. so it is as though she is trying to insert herself in your place, in some weird, totally delusional way. It's creepy.

Mummyof unfortunately no. Grandparents major part of the problem.

As I said (I know it gets confusing with who's who) but FILs mother is heavily enmeshed and has mental health problems.

MILs parents were even worse: her DF was an absuive alcoholic and her DM was classic passive enabler/beaten wife.

Highly dysfunctional on all sides and we are well out of it.

Sadly MIL has no ability to self reflect. Despite given numerspus chances to.... she's too narcissistic,

Sorry you're cast at the scapegoat....me too in my family! It sucks! But I read in the toxic parents book that the scapegoat usually has the most robust mental health out of the whole family so that's one good thing!!

Wow OP you have got one fruitcake of a MiL! The balloons!! I just can’t get over the balloons!!
Having said that, I have read all your posts and still I keep coming back to her getting you to make her a cup of tea when you were still catheterised following what is a major operation! Words fail me... that is beyond rude, she’d have been wearing it if she’d expected it of me!
I wish good luck in your future management of her and I’m so glad that your DH has seen the light! My MIL (& nowadays also my DM) has been rather overbearing but she’s a pussy at in comparison with yours.., though being 100miles away helps!!

*pussycat 🙄