MIL issues!!

[Starlive22]

Before I start...yes I know I'm being unreasonable but if I don't rant I'll literally explode...

MIL only visited 3 or 4 times during whole (complicated) pregnancy.

The day baby was born she came to the hospital, the day after she got back from holiday, laughed at how the baby was big, kissed her all over the face and then told everyone she felt faint and that she had diarrhoea.

The next day she announced my baby's birth on Facebook with probably the worst picture of me in history after o told her I didn't want any pics on Facebook.

Since then she has come to my house every day expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I've still got an indwelling catheter, and I had a c section so I'm not exactly up running rings around people at the moment.

Please tell me it's normal to feel so upset that she hasn't given us one day as a family on our own. I only came out of hospital yesterday and I just want her to give us a bit of space, especially as she hasn't really ever been part of our lives. It's a shocker that she has descended on us like this!

I realise that I'm lucky she has been interested and that not everyone has mother in laws and some people don't have people round them, I know I'm lucky. I just feel a bit overwhelmed and emotional.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, just a bit of reassurance that I'm not a not evil!! X

Yep definitely stop making tea, why in the name of god is your DH allowing this?? She’s being ridiculous and she is his mother, he needs to put her really straight.

Completely agree with the others - your DH needs to step up and tell his mum that you need a break and she isn't to visit for the next little while. You (by that I mean you, your DH and your new child) have to bond as a family unit and you can't do that if you are fetching for others.
You have appreciated her interest in the newest member of the family but this is not the time to be popping in for visits at the moment.
Your DH needs to say this to her.
She has to remember what it was like for her and you're not being rude, you are putting your child and yourself first and you must allow your body time to recover and to get used to broken sleep as there will be nighttime feeds etc.

Congratulations too!

Christ op, you're doing far too much! You need time to bond with your little one, just your and DH.

I had this with dc1 with all family members, not just MIL and after 2 weeks of every Tom, Dick and Harry coming over everyday expecting to be waited on hand and foot we both just said no more. Turned our phones off, pulled out the landline and locked the front door and ignored any knocks. It was bliss!!

FIL even commented on the lack of biscuits one time followed with an eye roll at me.....I was raging inside and wanted to scream it's because all of you selfish wankers have been eating them! I haven't even had a fucking biscuit, greedy prick!

I'm expecting dc2 now and we're having 2 weeks of no visitors, not even parents. Then visits will be parents at the same time for an hour and no more for another week then. It sounds harsh but I had a horrific birth last time and felt so unwell which they all knew and still didn't give a shit, dc was also very poorly and needed emergency surgery and they still didn't back off. I definitely won't be feeling guilty this time round!

Let me get this straight;

You’re just out of hospital after a c-section

You have a catheter in still

You cannot lean down to pick up baby yet

You’re making your mil cups of tea?

Are you crazy? Stop that.

Take to your bed. When your mil shows up tell her you’re so so so glad she’s here would she like a cuppa, yes? Wonderful could she make you one whilst she’s making hers.

I would not get out of bed unless I wanted to and certainly would not be making cups of tea for anyone.

Note on front door - no visitors today (except midwife) we are sleeping. Do not answer.

I can understand not wanting to miss a chance by just telling her to bigger off completely.

Instead maybe have your husband ask if she can do you both a favour by helping you out more since you're still recovering from surgery and can't do things you normally would be able to while you're healing.

@Appuskidu

Well it's a bit of a mixture of 1&2! 'Oh it's so nice and warm in here, my mouth is so dry' followed shortly thereafter by 'oh I've got a horse throat, could you stick the kettle on love' and when I said I was busy she said 'oh dear, you'll have to learn to multitask with a new baby'...haha yes I know that!

She came to see us every day at the hospital which was a bit awkward as you can only have 2 visitors so my sister got turned away, which was a bit shit as she's been absolutely brilliant and was desperate to see the baby!

Then we got home at -10:30 Thursday night from hospital (she insisted she be there to drive us back, which again was kind, but meant she was there all day)

Then Friday and today she has been here for 5hrs at least. She's just gone now and wanted to give the baby her first bath. It's like too much of a good thing, it's great she has decided to bond with the baby. The more people who love her, the better IMO bit bloody hell not all at once, it's downright upsetting me and I'm not sure how i can justify to myself being upset by someone being too nice!!!!

Some very reassuring comments here, glad to hear I'm not losing my mind completely!

I think despite this new and sudden interest I'm going to have to have a word with DH, even he looked a bit put out today with her being here all the time, he said he hasn't seen her this often since he lived at home!

I know I'm going to be a bit hormonal so just wanted to make sure I wasn't being totally unreasonable.

@moomoocar That thing with the biscuits would have tipped me over the edge well and truly if that had happened to me!

You will never get this time back.

Get DP to send his mum a text saying ‘it’s been nice to see you these past few days but we are having a few days to ourselves now, I’ll ring you in the week for a catch up’.

Give no room for her to invite herself over.

If she protests your DP just says, ‘’no mum Star has just had major surgery and absolutely has to be given time to recover and bond with the baby and I need, and more importantly want to focus on them’’.

Congratulations on your new baby!

Get yo r husband to put boundaries in Before she completely railroads your life ... more than already

What Trunk Said is perfect. It's polite but leaves no room for her to invite herself! Good luck op

How have you managed to not scream at her 'fuck offfffffff'? You should be doing things like the first bath just you and your dh. Your dh needs to tell her to back off a bit a lot.

She not being nice though, a nice person doesn't act like that.She enjoys the attention perhaps?

Christ, DS2 is 3 weeks old tomorrow and FILs came over 3 times in the first week. I thought that was bad enough!

YADNBU. Have the following conversation with your DH. “DH, it’s been lovely having your mum here but we need to have a few days just for us now”.

YANBU but the best response is 'The HV came today and says I'm not healing as well as I should. Apparently I ha enough been moving around too much detail need to sir still as much as possible. You' lol have to put the kettle on yourself I'm afraid. Milk no sugar for me. It would also be great if you could load the dishwasher whole waiting for it to boil. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I'm so glad that you're able to visit is us every day.'

Ask your DP to tell her to leave you be (unless she's been invited) so you can bond as a family. You'll never get this time back, I wish I'd been tougher when my baby was born. These first few weeks go over in a massive blur and they should be spent falling in love with and enjoying your new baby not running around after your MIL. She is being selfish and putting her wants and needs ahead of yours.

it's great she has decided to bond with the baby

No she hasn't. She's decided that this is going to be all about her, what she wants, and to hell with the rest of you, particularly you.

Wanting to do the first bath? Fuck, no.

This has all happened in a very short space of time, no wonder you haven't known how to handle it. But with the MN massive behind you, tell her to do one. (Or better still, get DH to tell her.)

She's not being nice. She's doing it to make herself feel good and look good. She can brag about being involved to dc (when older) as well her friends.
A person who's being nice would ask if you needed help and be happy to do chores like tidy and make you drinks.

Hope you've had a lovely relaxing MIL free day so far @Starlive22

Tell her she knows where the kettle is and you've got yourself and your baby to look after and could do without a third.

My MIL was pure hell when my dd was born. It did get better but only after I grew a backbone and lost my temper.

Yanbu, my mil is exactly the same!

I'm due in a week and she keeps calling and hassling for dates she can come down because "so and so date is convenient for me"...sorry to disappoint you mil, but baby will come when baby is ready which might not be convenient for you!

She also had me cooking lunch and making drinks at 8 months pregnant with awful SPD.

This is our second baby, and we will be keeping ALL family, especially mil away once baby is born until we are ready.

She's gone for a pub lunch today @moomoocar hopefully she'll go home and conk out and not come over here tipsy...can't be doing with that! Had a lovely MIL free day so far!!

Hopefully she’s stayed away today and got the message. I had similar but had the HV tell her that if she wants a drink, she knows where the kitchen is!

Sometimes you need to establish boundaries early on or they’ll just walk over you.

I expect she will stop when the novelty wears off...

She ended up sending me a text at 10:00pm stating she was a bit disappointed I had spent the day with my mum (she assumed, from looking at my FB!) and not inviting her. She said she missed the baby and felt left out!

She's turning into a bloody FB stalker! So what if I saw my mum for a bit, it's MY mum! Plus my mum has been really helpful which I really need at the moment.

The message I think was designed to make me feel guilty, but I don't know how she expects not to have taken a blind bit of bloody notice about me for 9 months and then swoop in and be included in everything. I feel like I've ran out of things to say her already! You can't force 12 years of bonding into one week!!!

Ugh, I'm getting pissed off with this!