MIL issues!!

[Starlive22]

Before I start...yes I know I'm being unreasonable but if I don't rant I'll literally explode...

MIL only visited 3 or 4 times during whole (complicated) pregnancy.

The day baby was born she came to the hospital, the day after she got back from holiday, laughed at how the baby was big, kissed her all over the face and then told everyone she felt faint and that she had diarrhoea.

The next day she announced my baby's birth on Facebook with probably the worst picture of me in history after o told her I didn't want any pics on Facebook.

Since then she has come to my house every day expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I've still got an indwelling catheter, and I had a c section so I'm not exactly up running rings around people at the moment.

Please tell me it's normal to feel so upset that she hasn't given us one day as a family on our own. I only came out of hospital yesterday and I just want her to give us a bit of space, especially as she hasn't really ever been part of our lives. It's a shocker that she has descended on us like this!

I realise that I'm lucky she has been interested and that not everyone has mother in laws and some people don't have people round them, I know I'm lucky. I just feel a bit overwhelmed and emotional.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, just a bit of reassurance that I'm not a not evil!! X

You should stand up for yourself but be prepared that this may mean she loses her shit (mine did). This could include coming round and yelling/crying/sitting outside your house (mine did). Watch out for flying monkeys - she may try to recruit other relatives, friends, neighbours, to speak on her behalf and put pressure on you, causing problems in those relationships for you and your partner (mine did). Your mil is not showing kindness and interest, she is showing a complete lack of boundaries and a runaway ego, and she is trying to establish control. She is treating this like a battle and she may not take kindly to the pushback of your boundary setting.

You need to do it though. Because what she is doing is crushing. You are at risk of post natal issues such as exhaustion, depression, mastitis, there are long lasting health implications for a new mother who feels sat on and ignored and bullied. Even more so while you are in recovery from major surgery.

Your partner should be standing up for you, he needs to be told how grim this situation is. Ask him to read these posts and see what other women make of it - his mother's behaviour is abusive and he needs to put a wall up to it.

Also, the thing about the diarrhoea - that was a real risk to mother and child as well as other persons in the hospital. It's a shocking lack of respect and care for anyone but herself to have done that.

Dear Mil I'm sorry you were not happy I saw my own dm today and dc other gm.
I must say however from my point of view it was a joy, as my mum has been enormously helpful to me post surgery, eg she makes me tea and take care of me not vice versa like when your here.

Why are so many mils like this? You read it time and time again on mn. Not making any effort what so ever with Dil until the second dgc come along and then expected to be treated like THE most important person. It's drives me crazy!

I just don't understand how they can be so blind to it, or think that is Dil are dump enough to fall for it!

remain brilliant, tip there JADE!!

I feel sick sad when I see these post, similar happened to me too, Mil was Vile to me after birth, really nasty.. And own dm deceased. Unfortunately I struggle to to get past the awful memories now when thinking of birth of first dc. It s sad. I Jody can't imagine treating someone like that m

I’d report the FB photos tbh if you’ve said no photos on there.

Hope MIL backs off sharpish

Name change in my case I had no dm to shares things with. I wanted to share things with her.. But looking back she pissed over everything... Outfits I brought (two) ' oh no dont buy anything you'll get so much stuff..' she said she would buy the pram and then literally went and brought one with her dm!! I had no say in it.. She went through a phone bill when we showed her scan video... Started to get loads of stuff all excitedly... Without asking us but poo pooed anything I got..

I only included her because I thought it was the correct thing to do. When baby born she wss horrific but she was the only gm.. So again I thought for baby sake it washed the right thing to do.
I had no other support. But I know better now.

I'm pleased you had a nice day yesterday up until the insane text message. You don't need or deserve any of this shit op. I'd do what pps have suggested and tell DH he needs to stop this shit now or you'll stay with your mum for a while. Right now you need support. Yes, C sections are common but it is still major abdominal surgery, it gives me the fucking rage when people dismiss it as the "easy" option. The recovery is bloody hard, there's nothing easy about it!

If a baby wasn't involved everyone would agree that it's ludicrous to expect to be waited on hand and foot by someone who's just had a major op.

I'd definitely report the photos on FB and get her to take them down. It may sound petty but it's just another boundary that she's completely shat on and she needs to learn that she can't walk over you.

I'm not surprised you are frustrated she's only just taken a sudden interest after a difficult pregnancy

If DH doesn't say anything, I wouldn't worry about causing any upset or hurting her feelings if you do speak to her about it, because it's evidently clear she doesn't give a shiny shit about your feelings.

Don't respond on FB.

Get her photos removed from FB.

Tell her you don't want her to visit for a while.

Leverage being post-natal with DH. Don't try to be strong, don't second guess his actions to stop her (and decide he'd be crap at stopping her and thus not raise it). I think you are due a big tears and snot melt down in front of DH: she ignored you in hospital, you are in pain and she's always bloody here and the cheeky cow expects you to make her a tea, she stole baby's first bath from you, she put photos on FB after you told her not to. She stopped your sister from visiting. She's giving you shit for having time with your own mother.

Cry and rage. Let it all out. Nice men with a post natal wife can get extremely protective. More than likely he will make damn sure it all stops without you having to be involved at all.

If she moans about you, pfft, fuck it, you have to have a thick skin when you have children, might as well start toughening it now. Trying to keep everyone happy is a recipe for your own unhappiness. Same for trying to make everyone have a postive opinion of you, pointless waste of time.

I'm probably of the generation of a lot of these awful MiLs and DMs (in my 50s) and I'm guessing they've always been of the self-absorbed 'type'.

Both OH and I have mothers like this, unfortunately. But we're old enough and wise enough to distance ourselves.

It's not the relationship, it's the kind of person they are. But, given that the family connection does exist, it hurts a bit. Very sad. But everyone needs their space and their life without being cowed by selfish, dishonest, defensive, flawed parents.

Big thank you for all the support here. It's shocking though to see how many others have had similar experiences.

Had a bit of good luck, had the catheter removed this morning and I managed to go to the toilet so feeling a bit more human today 😊

The more I think about it, the more I think I have been in the right all along and I'd go as far as to say she's just using the baby to attention seek from her bloody friends.

She used to call me and DH the 'ten year retards' if you can wrap your head around that. The reason for this is because we did everything ten years later than our fiends such as having children. Not acknowledging of course all the problems I had Getting pregnant and the two miscarriages I had before this pregnancy.

God, sorry for all the ranting, feels good getting it all out in the open. Even if it's just ranting for the sake of ranting.

I haven't replied to her message still. I'm tempted to say something along the lines of 'oh, I'm surprised you aren't sick of seeing me, as I only saw you a few times during my pregnancy'...but snarky but wanted to have a little dig!

DH is going to call her later re: Facebook. He's not even on FB so he's not too keen on her constant updates.

My mum said not to worry and she'll lose interest...I've got a feeling she's right but just feel too angry to ride the storm this time. She deserves to be called up for her insensitive actions.

And breathe...

Oh dear, anyone who uses that word is cast out in my mind. Utterly appalling woman.

Op what are you afraid of by saying . No you can't come round..

The reason I these people get away with it is because the victim doesn't want to cause a fuss...

There may well be fall out but.. It's the path too freedom

Oh yes, The Fuss is very liberating.

Ten year retards?
Words fail me.

Oh you need to cut her out of your lives - she brings nothing healthy to them! How on earth could she feel it was ok to call you that??

I think it's right that she is just glorying in being "grandma" without any concern for you, her son, or even the baby. It's all about HER.

If she won't voluntarily take the photos on FB down, I think you can complain to FB and get them to remove them - not sure how but I'm sure if someone hasn't already told you on this thread, they will be able to. But hopefully your DH will be able to persuade his mother to remove them.

Goodness me OP, why do you let yourself be treated so appallingly?

Wait until she loses interest? I’d have exploded!

She sounds vile and will continue to shit on your boundaries.
I wouldn’t open the door to her tbh and only invite her once or twice a week, for 2 hours, not let her take photos until she’s taken the ones she’s posted off FB and if she ever puts any more on, she wouldn’t be invited round again.

Your DH needs to step up pronto to protect his family before you develop some stress related stuff.

Seriously have a meltdown at home. Create fuss. Don't be stoic. Make sure DH knows how pissed off you are so he can take urgent action to make it stop.

@Starlive22 My god she sounds like a complete nightmare! I doubt she will get bored and leave you be I think she'll get worse the longer you don't say something. Block her on fb so you don't have to see her posts. And I would respond to her msg with "oh I'm sorry I didn't realise I had to have YOUR permission to see MY OWN MOTHER! and go on to say she is not to come round unless she asks first or is invited! as for wanting to give baby the first bath! I mean really wtf she had her time with her own children now its yours don't let her do any of the first's that is for you and DH. Just prepare for as pp said the flying monkey's friends or their family to get on your back about poor mother in law. I've got a saying and its so far proven true which is It always takes sons or grandchildren to bring the witches out of their coven and round the cauldron to stir the trouble

Starlive22 10 year retards???!!! you are being way too nice, i would never speak to her again if she'd have said that about me! thats shocking!
a little tip that may be useful for you after the CS is to get one of those grabby sticks to pick things up with-I used one and it really helped, I've passed it on to my friend to use now in readiness for her CS.

Oh God she sounds like my MIL. The ILs arrived on the doorstep the evening of the day we got home from hospital and sat there cooing at the baby for 5 hours. That was having woken me up during the day by ringing to ask how to spell DD's name.

Sorry to say that the novelty didn't wear off until the children were big enough to answer back, and my DH is totally spineless and refused to stand up for me.

Plus it got worse in that she was only ever interested in the new baby. So when all the others came running downstairs hello nanny she completely blanked them in her desire to grab the latest newborn. I never forgave her for that.

Put your foot down now or be prepared for this to be your life for at least the next 6 years.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit's meltdown idea is a good one. I did this (Not intentionally) after dhs distant uncle had finally left and the penny dropped that I really meant it when I said I wasn't up to visitors. He was mortified that I was so upset and was very strict with visitors after that.

Just wanted to say as well op, newborn babies don't really need a lot of bathing! You can lie them on a towel and gently wipe them down with a soft flannel/sponge/cotton wool, no soap in the water. And if you do want to bathe yours, they really like going in with you and lying on your chest while you gently pour water on them. You may need help from your partner and watch the temperature obviously, but it's nice close family time. They will poo if you stay in there too long but just use a shower head to rinse off, and try and time the bath for after one!

Hell's teeth, she sounds awful. Stop letting her in.

Ten year retards?

And your husband is grateful for the attention that this is bringing him??

I say that as it's you she's pissing off, you are more than "within your rights" to tell her to fuck off for a while!

Just tell her that you won't be able to see her for a bit as either a, you have your mother staying or b, you're all going to stay with your mother