MIL issues!!

[Starlive22]

Before I start...yes I know I'm being unreasonable but if I don't rant I'll literally explode...

MIL only visited 3 or 4 times during whole (complicated) pregnancy.

The day baby was born she came to the hospital, the day after she got back from holiday, laughed at how the baby was big, kissed her all over the face and then told everyone she felt faint and that she had diarrhoea.

The next day she announced my baby's birth on Facebook with probably the worst picture of me in history after o told her I didn't want any pics on Facebook.

Since then she has come to my house every day expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I've still got an indwelling catheter, and I had a c section so I'm not exactly up running rings around people at the moment.

Please tell me it's normal to feel so upset that she hasn't given us one day as a family on our own. I only came out of hospital yesterday and I just want her to give us a bit of space, especially as she hasn't really ever been part of our lives. It's a shocker that she has descended on us like this!

I realise that I'm lucky she has been interested and that not everyone has mother in laws and some people don't have people round them, I know I'm lucky. I just feel a bit overwhelmed and emotional.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, just a bit of reassurance that I'm not a not evil!! X

Shes disapointed you spent one day with your mother?! Bloody hell. I wpuld reply asking her tp clarify that she actually thinks you should never see your mother without her. They get your dp to tell her tp back the fuck off.

She is being ridiculous.
Don't let her do the first bath, she appears to have forgotten it's your baby not hers!

Please, please tell me you didn't reply to that text by apologising?

What PP said - reply with: "So to clarify, you are saying you don't wish me to see or spend any time with my own Mother without you present?"

That is the only way she is likely to see how unreasonable and psychotic she is behaving.

Why hasn't your partner said a word? Is he not around?? If so, how on Earth is he oblivious to this and not seeing how upset you are?

Ummm - YA SOOO NBU, why on earth would you even think you were?!

But, as is so often the case, your problem here is your DH.
Not just because his mother is trampling all over your baby time, but because HE is allowing his mother to bully YOU into making tea and getting biscuits instead of HIM bloody well doing it HIMSELF!!

You should be getting rest and care from HIM as much as anyone else, and he should certainly be fielding selfish-arse requests from his own fucking mother, or telling her to get off her arse and do it herself.

I'm sorry, I get that you think this level of interest is good and you're trying to use it to build bridges with your MIL - but quite honestly, the only thing you haven''t done is lie down in front of her and write WELCOME on your forehead in big black letters.

STOP letting her walk all over you.
STOP letting your DH let her walk all over you.
Tell HIM to sort this out - either by taking over when she turns up or by stopping her turn up.

Enjoy your baby - you shouldn't have to be even thinking about this sort of shit at this time.

I haven't replied at all, I didn't know what to say, she's put loads more pictures on Facebook too despite me asking not to! I think if I had responded it would have been with a swift F off so I thought better of it!

DH doesn't really know what to make of it, she seems to be ignoring him too but as it's the only time she seems to have been interested in him at all, I think he's sort of enjoying the attention although he's admitted it's overkill and said he can see why I'm a bit peeved at the whole thing.

She seems to be swooping in to take the glory right at the end!

Oh dear, there seem to be a lot of MIL's on here that think the baby is theirs! Any visitors should be waiting on you hand and foot and should be there to help with washing/cooking/cleaning not expecting to do all the lovely first time baby things.
You really need to look after yourself after a c section-I had one in December and you really can't be bending all the time, you have had major surgery as well as a baby!

@Monkeypuzzle32 I think with all the excitement of a new baby I didn't fully appreciate how long the recovery might take from a c section. I think I because so many people have then I just assumed recovery would be easy. But you are right, it is surgery and not to be taken lightly.

MIL said it's just the easy way out of course!

Have a week without her. Tel DH that she is causing problems and you are going to have one week without her. If he objects tell his that it is weird that he will not spend just ONE WEEK of his life without his mother, and insist on it. He can go to her house if he is desperate to see her.

This will not only diffuse the stress I can see in your posts but will also give MIL a short sharp shock. Hey MIL, this is what it's like if you overstep the mark.

This falls to your DH...tell him to do the dirty work and that you need some space as a family for a few weeks...she is being incredibly selfish..

I'd tell dh to tell her to back off and he will contact her some time later in the week about arranging a time to see her. If he doesn't/or won't then I would decamp to your mother's for a week telling him you need time to bond with your baby and to recover from major surgery with out having to cater to his mother every day.

Oh and as for his mother wanting to bond with your baby is rubbish, this is nothing to do with you, your dh or your baby this is 100% about playing nanny on fakebook for her 'friends'.

I'd report those photos on fb and get them taken down.

This woman is violating every single boundary you and DH are trying to put down.

Nip it in the bud now or you'll end up posting about much more crazy stuff.

Here are some useful phrases

"I'm sorry you feel that way" - sounds like an apology, it's not really, but she can't criticise that without looking like an ungrateful cf

"We were busy" - don't give any info, if you do, she will use it to criticise and guilt trip

Don't fall into the JADE trap - justify, argue, defend, explain. She will try to guilt you into JADE and then use everything you say against you.

No is a complete sentence.

Congratulations on your baby and take good care of yourself in recovery.

I'm feeling increasingly lucky to have my mil!

Right, this is your reply;

"MY own mother has seen her grandchild for x hours on 1 day unlike you who had seen the baby every day for x hours, of course other people want to meet our child. It's been a very overwhelming week with a lot of visitors and I am still unwell so we will be having a couple of days just the three of us as a new family, your welcome to come on x day for an hour for lunch but it will just be fish & chips as I am not up to cooking."

PS there is a lifetime of bonding to be done, pushing it so fast is ridiculous.

Nip that in the bud now or you will forever be expected to give them equal time and the amount of time you spend with your mother is none of her business

"Hope you had a lovely lunch. I am a bit disappointed with your text, my mother is my mother, the time I spend with her is none of your business. I have just given birth and if I want to spend time with her, or anyone else, I will do so when I choose without feeling I have to invite you. That may sound blunt but I am saying it now as actually I am appalled at your text and going forward won't be entertaining that attitude. I have a relationship with my mother outside of the baby and that I do not have with you, I will not apologise for that. See you during the week, Wednesday suits us if that suits you, let us know"

Stop that shit about your mother in it's tracks now! If you ignore, apologise or pussy foot you will regret it

My mum came to look after me however you came round to be a guest and I'm unable to entertain guests atm. I've had a
c section which I'm recovering from. End of text.

Make sure your DH deals with it, or you will be the bad guy.

You need to look after yourself
Block her so she has to go through dh and then he can deal with her
He needs to put you, your recovery and your tiny baby first

Was your husband in the room when she was demanding tea? If not, where was he? If yes, why didn’t he leap up to make it? I agree with posters saying to message her back and point out you can see your mother whenever you like!

You are letting her walk all over you
Ask her to ring before she calls to check it is convenient and start taking back control
Don't kid yourself that she is interested in you. It's the baby she wants and you need to lay down boundaries

Id personally not mention the bit about your mum. I’d say something like:

We will be having a few days as a family to rest and recover so will contact you near the weekend to arrange a further time for a visit.

Please can you remove the pictures on Facebook as we have explicitly asked for our privacy to be respected regarding social media.

Then if she start she engaging just say no.

My MIL doesn’t like to hear things from DH as she thinks I’m softer so being direct but neutral helps. Stick to the facts

@Clutterbugsmum you have hit the nail right on the head. She's only interested in putting things on Facebook and basking in the attention of being a new grandmother.

I was in hospital for 2 weeks while I was pregnant, not a card, not a visit, fuck all! Now all of a sudden she's the victim because she doesn't get to see the baby for one day?

Only thing I can do is tell DH to tell her to back off, he will be tactful and at this stage if I leave it any longer I might not be very tactful at all and it will do more harm than good.

Its just the cheek of being this amazing lady on Facebook and not giving a blind shit about the 9 months that preceded it!

I would tell her not to come round for a week because you want to bond as a family and then just not answer the door if she comes round.

As someone of MiL's vintage I'm astonished that she'd turn up and expect to be waited on. Wouldn't anyone with an ounce of empathy arrive armed with food ready to be popped in the oven, run the hoover round, give the kitchen and bathroom a clean and ask if you'd like some laundry done? What are these women on expecting to have tea made for them?

Perhaps get rid of Facebook/block her so you can't see what she is doing and she can't see what you're doing? And if you want to spare her feelings get dh to remind her you've had major surgery and you would appreciate her help once a week or whatever once his paternity leave finishes but for now you need to recover and bond with your baby. And blame the midwife or health visitor, claim they said the bonding thing and to limit visitors/rest

YANBU! You are naturally very emotional after having a baby. Agree with other posts your DP needs to say something and tell her you won't be having visitors. That is terrible behaviour. Really feel for you OP I got upset with family members after having DD and their behaviour was no where near as bad as your MILs. Hope you start to feel better soon.

I think I would have thrown her out after that first comment about learning to multitask.

Putting pictures up on FB of you and baby without asking you?
Staying for hours and hours?

It’s all about her and she doesn’t give a shit about you, your health or needs.
Your DH needs to grow a backbone.
She’s walking all over your boundaries and now is the time to stop her or it will get worse!

You need time to recover from surgery and bond as a family. I’d seriously lock myself away with the baby and let her sit downstairs until she gets the message, if your DH isn’t able to stand up to her.