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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ban MILs dog when baby is born?

171 replies

CallMeOnMyCell · 24/03/2018 08:17

I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.
DH and I live a three hour drive from MIL. When she visits, she brings her dog with her. I like the dog (he’s very friendly) but he jumps all over the furniture, digs up the garden and generally causes mess.
I’ve never been happy about the dog visiting but I’ve allowed it as MIL adores him. She could leave him at home with her partner but prefers to bring the dog with her.
I’m pregnant and due in July, when the baby is here I don’t want the dog to come anymore when she visits, I don’t want the mess, and I want to be able to sit on the sofa with the baby without a dog jumping up.
I don’t really know how to approach it with her, any advice?

OP posts:
Skarossinkplunger · 24/03/2018 09:25

Idontdowindows I disagree. I think that getting your husband to do your dirty work for you is backhanded and manipulative and bound to cause resentment.

NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 09:30

“dirty work” Hmm

What bullshit

whatisausername · 24/03/2018 09:30

You are being mean and grinding the axe for the sake of it, because you can. The MIL and the dog haven't done anything wrong really, remind her about no dogs on furniture and make sure she supervises in the garden. It's simple. Don't make her choose between visiting her grandchild and ditching her dog because A) You may be disappointed B) Using a kid to get leverage in a situation is a cheap shot and tacky as hell. Don't be that person. If the dog was that big a problem you would have banned it already, you are using the child as an excuse and that's shitty.

Yep

whatisausername · 24/03/2018 09:30

I wouldn't ban it straight away. A lot of dogs quickly learn to be cautious around babies and understand the hierarchy.
Obviously it's important to never leave the dog unsupervised with the child.
Your MIL clearly loves her dog (as most people do). Dogs are part of your family, an ultimatum would likely deprive your child from time with what would be a caring grandparent.

Idontdowindows · 24/03/2018 09:31

It's not "dirty work" Skaross.

Different families have different dynamics. I'm happy that my in-laws and steps are all comfortable coming to me. I know if my mother had ever said her in-laws (my grandparents) couldn't bring their dog, she'd have been raked over the coals, vilified and made to be the scapegoat.

Different strokes for different folks, so, pending family circumstances, each handling their own family is the standard advice.

C8H10N4O2 · 24/03/2018 09:32

Its a dog. Its feelings are not being hurt by staying home for a couple of hours instead of visiting a baby.

Being knocked over by a "friendly" untrained dog doesn't hurt any less than a deliberate knock. Owners who don't train their animals and just witter on about how "friendly" the animals are a PITA.

“I do think it may reduce the amount of visits... And free childcare.”

So be it. Why would you leave a baby with someone who can't train a dog and won't be separated from it?

Strugglingtodomybest · 24/03/2018 09:33

I would say you were being a bit unreasonable if it was a calm well trained dog, but as it's not, yanbu. I have 2 dogs btw.

Lizzie48 · 24/03/2018 09:35

I really don't get why the OP's MIL can't leave her dog with her partner at home, that's surely OTT. My DSis had a dog that she abused adored. But she could never bring her to stay at our house, as my DH is allergic to dogs and we also have cats. So she used to leave the dog with our DM or in kennels if she was staying with us.

And a badly behaved dog around a baby isn't a good combination IMO.

diddl · 24/03/2018 09:37

But the dog would be staying at home with it's family?

Thecrabbypatty · 24/03/2018 09:39

What if FIL plans on visiting at the same time? And we are talking about a 6 hour round trip not including actual visiting time. Its not a pop round the corner situation.

Purplelife · 24/03/2018 09:41

You’re assuming your MIL will let the dog jump all over the baby and that the dog won’t go into protective mode and be beautifully sensitive around your baby. Why don’t you just wait and see how they both act around the baby first.

OrangeHorses · 24/03/2018 09:41

I have two dogs of my own but when my LO was newborn I didn't want other family members bringing their dogs round, as they would usually do, because then mine get all excited and bouncy 🤨 I think you would be a bit mean to ban the dog forever but whilst the baby is little it seems reasonable ask for the dog not to come with your MIL as she has someone else who can look after him.

C8H10N4O2 · 24/03/2018 09:42

What if FIL plans on visiting at the same time? And we are talking about a 6 hour round trip not including actual visiting time. Its not a pop round the corner situation.

There are these things called kennels or possibly friends/neighbours. That was what both my DP and PiL used to do when visiting us. Its what we have done when visiting people.

Its what most people do in that situation unless the dogs are explicitly invited to stay.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 24/03/2018 09:43

Yes let's just wait and see how an unpredictable untrained dog reacts to a newborn...

What could possibly go wrong

Personally I wouldn't use my baby in such an experiment but each to their own

Fishface77 · 24/03/2018 09:44

Skar I don’t think it’s manipulative at all.
I think it’s avoiding major rifts in the family. People seem more likely to forgive their “blood” rather than the “outsider”.
I think your reading too much into my comment.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 24/03/2018 09:45

Thecrabbypatty - the mils care plans for the dog are not the ops concern. That's part and parcel of having a dog. There will be times when it can't come with you and as a responsible dog owner you have to use kennels, neighbours, friends etc.

QueenArseClangers · 24/03/2018 09:46

Ffs It’s a DOG.

Even if it’s the most well trained beast in the world OP doesn’t have to have it in her house if she doesn’t want.

I have shit loads of kids and have shit loads of dogs and animals but I’d NEVER bring my dog to someone’s home whilst visiting, especially if there’s someone else at home to care for my pet.

I always remember, post birth, feeling horror at a bit of dirt/dog hairs near my precious baby and I’ normally a right slattern.

All these posters saying it’s ‘mean’ to ask MIL to leave her dog at home with its human adult should just grow the fuck up. The OP is not asking MIL to send the hound to Battersea.

I’ve worked with animals on and off for many years and dicks who treat their dogs like babies are stupid. They’re doing harm to their animals by not training them and end up all surprised when their dog hurts someone.

QueenArseClangers · 24/03/2018 09:51

“You’re assuming your MIL will let the dog jump all over the baby and that the dog won’t go into protective mode and be beautifully sensitive around your baby. Why don’t you just wait and see how they both act around the baby first.”

And what if OP doesn’t want to become part of some sub par Pavlovian experiment? Why the fuck should she have to welcome the dog into her home to test if it’ll behave ‘beautifully sensitive’?

Perhaps OP just wants to relax in her own home with her tiny, vulnerable newborn without having to worry about someone else’s fucking dog?
It’s not her pet so she has no bloody obligation to ‘try’ anything out. Yet again it’s another case of riding roughshod over a woman’s feelings to be ‘nice’ Angry

merrymouse · 24/03/2018 09:53

Leaving a dog at home with a family member instead of taking it on a long journey to see a tiny baby is just common sense.

Perhaps, if there were nobody to leave the dog with, the MIL might have to 'choose' or some compromise would need to be reached, but that isn't the case here.

Parents aren't attached to their babies 24/7, and it's also possible to leave a dog with a trusted carer.

RubyBoots7 · 24/03/2018 09:53

Not getting how it's mean AT ALL to say no dog, at least when baby is very small.
I'm a massive dog lover (we don't have a dog because of work). Both sides of family have dogs. Dogs are like their actual babies. Dogs visit us regularly and are well behaved. We are all dog obsessed.

BUT ILs and Ps have already raised it as an issue about their dogs being around a new baby and would not bring them initially. They aren't around babies and we don't know how they will react. It's common sense, surely?! It doesn't live with OK and there's no need for it to come.

How is it fair to the dog to bring it but keep it out the room or constantly tell it off for behaving how it usually does? And how are the visiting family going to be able to fully appreciate their grandchild when they are having to watch the dog the whole time just in case. Some dogs get jealous, or they just want to be friendly. Do you want a dog jumping up and accidentally knocking the baby or licking it's face? And even more so if there is someone at home, so it's not like the dog has to be left alone or kennelled. I can't understand why anyone would want to consider it in these circumstances.

Lizzie48 · 24/03/2018 09:54

I really don't see why it's an issue. But then, as my DH is allergic it's non negotiable in our case. We just talked it through with my sister, you know like adults do? When we visited (never overnight), she would spend time cleaning in advance of our visit and my DH could cope for a few hours. When she came to ours, with her DH and family when she got married), she wouldn't bring her dog.

Surely just talk to your MIL. It doesn't have to be a permanent ban. The condition needs to be that she keeps her dog under control, she should be doing that anyway.

Thecrabbypatty · 24/03/2018 09:55

I think there is a lot of knickers in a twist on this thread now. The dogs not horrible, OP and MIL both love the dog. If it was a nightmare then she would have banned it already. I think using a new baby to raise a grievance that MIL probably wasn't even aware of is a cheap shot. OP knows MIL will visit without the dog if she has to but why make it a blanket ban? It smacks of leverage and yes while the baby is newborn possibly a good idea. But not an outright ban.

Gabilan · 24/03/2018 09:56

if she is stupid petty enough to visit less just because of a perfectly reasonable request not to bring her dog, so be it. Her loss.

I agree it's reasonable to tell her to leave the dog with her DP, at least while the baby is small. However, it wouldn't be pettiness (or stupidity) that might then lead her to visit less frequently. It's simply that when you have an animal, you don't like leaving them, and miss them when you're not with them. It's why you get them, because you enjoy time with them, and grow attached to them.

Without the dog she might just visit a bit less. Which is fine, it's just a bit of a compromise on everyone's part.

Hypermice · 24/03/2018 09:58

The dogs not horrible

I’d think a dog that jumps all over stuff and digs up my garden was pretty horrible. Jesus if that’s well behaved what’s a problem dog?

It’s a dog. Dogs are lovely, but they seem to be worshipped by some owners. It’s a dog. Leave it with the partner. How could you bring a pet that wrecks someone’s garden round and not be deeply ashamed by that?

C8H10N4O2 · 24/03/2018 09:59

You’re assuming your MIL will let the dog jump all over the baby and that the dog won’t go into protective mode and be beautifully sensitive around your baby. Why don’t you just wait and see how they both act around the baby first.

Yes lets have an untrained and uncontrolled dog next to the new baby "to see how it goes".

Its a dog FFS.