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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban MILs dog when baby is born?

171 replies

CallMeOnMyCell · 24/03/2018 08:17

I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.
DH and I live a three hour drive from MIL. When she visits, she brings her dog with her. I like the dog (he’s very friendly) but he jumps all over the furniture, digs up the garden and generally causes mess.
I’ve never been happy about the dog visiting but I’ve allowed it as MIL adores him. She could leave him at home with her partner but prefers to bring the dog with her.
I’m pregnant and due in July, when the baby is here I don’t want the dog to come anymore when she visits, I don’t want the mess, and I want to be able to sit on the sofa with the baby without a dog jumping up.
I don’t really know how to approach it with her, any advice?

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 24/03/2018 08:59

With that kind of dog, YANBU. I was all ready to say that YABU, because my DGF brought his dog when DD was a baby, they just stared at each other! Grin

Lichtie · 24/03/2018 08:59

@anotheremma.. It's only a dog to you, to some people a dog is part of the family and they don't want to leave them.. I'm not saying this is rational, but it is true.
I was assuming the MIL was potentially staying with them when she visited as its a 3 hour drive. And I wasn't suggesting the MIL wouldn't come at all if she couldn't bring her dog.. I would hope nobody is that crazy, but I do think it may reduce the amount of visits... And free childcare.

Kidssendingmenuts · 24/03/2018 08:59

I have dogs, they have always been round children, but one can be very jumpy and a bit of a menace regarding stealing hugs from people and forcing kisses on visitors but is great with kids etc.
But if someone were to come to my home with a jumpy pooch especially if a baby was about I'd either say leave at home or don't come at all. I know it seems harsh but all it takes it for baby to be asleep on the sofa and dog to jump up and land on it etc. Not worth the risk, hopefully your mil will understand if you gave her the reasons I know I would if I were to take my dogs anywhere, but I'd also prob not take mine knowing what they can be like x

Coastalcommand · 24/03/2018 09:00

This all sounds a bit mean. The dog will be aware of the baby and likely very calm - my PIL’s dog was.
Try it and see how it goes first.

Fundays12 · 24/03/2018 09:02

I wouldn’t allow it as you need to be able to sit comfortably on your own sofa with your baby without worrying about a dod jumping all over you. I would get dp to tell her though.

Thecrabbypatty · 24/03/2018 09:03

I just think it's mean. MIL clearly loves the dog, it's done nothing wrong and neither has she. She will probably not bring it anyway visiting a new born and if she does she will likely be very aware of potential issues having been a mother herself. Give her and the dog a chance. If it was a known nipper or snarler I wouldn't say that but it just sounds like a friendly little dog. Giving an ultimatum or issuing a ban would be like using a sledge hammer to crack a nut in this instance.

Skarossinkplunger · 24/03/2018 09:04

You don’t.
You tel your DP and let him do it.

I see this a lot on MN and I don’t understand it. It’s your decision, be a fucking adult and tell her yourself instead of running to our husband.

Trendy1 · 24/03/2018 09:08

Skar, well it is his mother, not hers. Why shouldn't he own it?

Op, it sounds like you just don't want the dog around (I understand that, sometimes I don't want my own dog around!

Perhaps the dog could stay in the kitchen or something when she visits? That would be the compromise. However, if you want it out of your house completely, tell DP to talk to her.

sinceyouask · 24/03/2018 09:08

Your house, your baby, your rules. I don't invite people's dogs into my home. If that means they won't visit, fine, I'm not going to take offence. Most people are normal and reasonable and won't throw a strop about it, and the ones who do- well, that's helpful in a way, you get to see who they really are.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 24/03/2018 09:09

Surely mil will want to concentrate on the baby anyway not managing a whirlwind pooch? Maybe your dh could word it so?

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 24/03/2018 09:11

Of course you shouldn't let a jumpy dog near a newborn, especially one who may not be used to children.

BollySBK · 24/03/2018 09:11

I'm a dog owner and a mum, and I love them all hugely, but the humans come first. I'm not a callous dog owner, and I understand that some people with no children treat their dogs as their 'children' or are as important to them (not going into the 'fur babies' discussion here!). But a newborn should take priority, and since it's your house, even more so - and further, since this dog doesn't appear to have manners in others' houses, it may be wise to ask to postpone the dog visiting for as long as you deem necessary. I have a huge and perfectly humane dog crate which mine go in if we are at others' houses if they have agreed to me taking them with me, OR if not, they know I won't be upset if they ask me to leave them at home. Equally, there are others who don't mind if they run round like the spaniels that they are! It would be nice if your MIL was to ask first! Clearly that won't happen, so it's down to you AND your DH to ask her not to bring her dog, in my humble opinion. Set the rules from the outset! Good luck!

Ickyockycocky · 24/03/2018 09:11

It really annoys me when people don’t train their dogs. YANBU.

Flomper · 24/03/2018 09:11

You're being very naive if you let a dog that has no experience of small babies and no proven track record with babies into your house with a new baby. YADNBU. The baby is the perfect opportunity. Just say now that the baby is here, please dont bring the dog as its not appropriate. I'd also get your DP to say it. Why should you? You'll be forever labeled as the mean bitch who wont let her bring darling doggy for no good reason. Presumably her son agrees its potentially dangerous and unecessary hassle so he should tell his mother that.

GayAllen · 24/03/2018 09:12

Oh ffs she’s not “ditching the dog” 🙄🙄🙄

Of course yanbu.

Just get your dh to tell her.

NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 09:14

Richtie
“I do think it may reduce the amount of visits... And free childcare.”
Well the OP and her partner might not want or expect free childcare. And if she is stupid petty enough to visit less just because of a perfectly reasonable request not to bring her dog, so be it. Her loss.

Since we told PILs not to bring their dog to our house, they still visit us, although they choose to bring the dog and stay elsewhere rather than making alternative arrangements for the dog and staying with us. Their choice.

lapetitesiren · 24/03/2018 09:14

It appears as if you have been politely tolerating some bad behaviour. Perhaps the discussion needs to be about sorting the behaviour out first. It's going to be a problem for years to come and if you could name and shame the particular problems perhaps they could be addressed rather than discussing bans. It's not even going to be easy to visit them if the behaviour isn't reigned in. Mil may not realise how out of hand everything is as she's in the situation and used to just dealing with it. Poor dog might get itself in serious trouble at some point if it's not taught to behave. It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask to avoid seeing the dog for a few weeks while you find your feet with the baby, even if well behaved, babies can be hard work to begin with and you may find you don't have the energy for anything extra.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 24/03/2018 09:15

yANBU, We have 2 dogs and I love dogs I just don’t understand why some people have to take them everywhere. My neighbour often needs help with her phone so she comes over for help but brings the dog, she lives cross the road and not to mention she knows my puppy hates other dogs in the house. Unfortunately some people are so attrached to thier dogs they think everything is hunky dory.

Thecrabbypatty · 24/03/2018 09:17

I think we should all stop and give the MIL a chance here. I know MILs have an extremely poor reputation on MN but can we give the woman a bit of credit? She's not an idiot, if she thought the dog was a risk she wouldn't bring it. Why would she do something that could harm her grandchild? She hasn't even visited yet and there's every chance that as others have said she will leave it at home to focus on the grandchild.

Skarossinkplunger · 24/03/2018 09:19

trendy because it her who wants to ban the dog. If someone does something outside your family that you need to challenge do ou ask thier offspring to do
it?

NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 09:20

Why wait and see though? They can just ask her not to bring the dog and if she wasn’t intending to bring it anyway, it won’t be a problem will it?

Idontdowindows · 24/03/2018 09:20

I see this a lot on MN and I don’t understand it. It’s your decision, be a fucking adult and tell her yourself instead of running to our husband.

It's not a matter of "running to" someone. Family relationships can be wrought with pitfalls and in some families the in-laws saying they don't want something can be like stirring a viper's nest.

So the easy and safe way is to let each handle their own family, especially with requests that you know are going to sting a bit, no matter how reasonable they are.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 24/03/2018 09:22

Thecrabbypatty - but the mil has already shown her attitude towards the dog. It's allowed to do whatever it likes. It's not trained.

Would you allow your dog to dig up other people's gardens and jump on their sofas?!

If the op speaks to her and she bucks her ideas up and enrols the dog in some training to show it can be trusted then that's a different matter. But at the moment why would anyone give the benefit of the doubt to an unpredictable dog when there's a new born baby at stake?

Hypermice · 24/03/2018 09:22

The feelings of the dog owner are irrelevant. It’s a dog, it has someone else (the partner) to look after it, there is no need to bring it at all. People have no sense when it comes to their own dogs sometimes. At best it’s an annoying jumpy dog, at worst it has an over enthusiastic bump of the baby or worse. Just no.

I wouldnt want ANY dog near a newborn. It’s OPs house and OPs baby and she is perfectly within her rights to ask MIL to leave the dog with her partner. There are very few dogs I would allow in our house - only the extremely docile (and frankly incapable of biting due to its poor malformed jaws) pug my SIL has is allowed. My house, my rules.

NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 09:23

Exactly. Troublesome in-laws often like to blame the DIL for everything when their son can do no wrong. My in-laws did that for a long time until my DH had it out with them and made it very clear that he made his own decisions thank you very much and if they had any issues with us they should take it up with him. I think they still resent me but nowhere near as much as if I’d had to tell them the things that DH told them.