Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about this argument with my wife?

156 replies

GregVegas · 23/03/2018 16:40

hi there

i need some advice

my wife and i are moving abroad on sunday and are in the process of packing and getting the house sorted ready to be rented out

my wife told me i was in charge of taking rubbish / unwanted items to the dump and she would pack everything else. she was making piles of 'wanted' and 'unwanted' and she accidentally put a personal possession of hers in the unwanted pile. i then took it to the dump.

this morning she asked me where the item was and i said i was pretty sure it had been put in an 'unwanted' bag and that i'd chucked it. she got really angry and started ranting about how im so unthoughtful and how i should have known she wanted to keep this thing and how it was all my fault.

i was tired and not in the mood for screaming and shouting so i went to walk out of the room, she grabbed my arm to pull me back so i turned around and pushed her, she fell over.

she is still not talking to me and claims i hit her.

i just wanted her to let me go so i could calm down and she wouldnt let me. she is still not speaking to me.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 23/03/2018 18:39

I think that you walking away from her while she was speaking to you is a real problem.

It shows her how little you value her thoughts and feelings, she must have been very frustrated by your lack of response in order to grab you.

If walking away in the middle of an exchange of views is a frequent action from you, you should ask yourself why you do that. Walking away and so refusing to engage is a classic control technique. In this case it caused her to grab your arm, giving you the excuse to knock her over, an over reaction on your part.

She sounds hard working, and supportive of you in general. Moving to a foreign country is always a challenge, and you will need to help each other for it to work.

Once you have both calmed down, you need a long talk about your attitudes to one another, and how you can become a team.

Avasarala · 23/03/2018 18:39

@SusanBunch

Your second to last post is speaking as though I said pushing was acceptable -youre saying "so it would be ok to shove a child instead removing their hand".

As if I said it's ok to shove her.

Over and over I said it is ok. I specifically said he should have removed her hand. But the pushing in this case is not the act of an abusive man. You just refuse to pay attention to what I actually said or to what anyone has said.

Avasarala · 23/03/2018 18:40

*said it is not ok

SpringHen · 23/03/2018 18:41

I think that you walking away from her while she was speaking to you is a real problem.

So he cant walk away from her until shes calmed down (she was being extremely UR)

He cant push her off if she grabs him

Its getting tedious now that none of you are saying what he SHOULD/COULD have done??

Namechangetempissue · 23/03/2018 18:43

If someone grabbed me hard by the arm to stop me leaving damn right I would push them off, male or female. If you don't want to get hurt, you don't hurt someone else or prevent them from leaving a situation. Walking away was by far the most sensible option and one that I would do if someone was screaming at me about something that was entirely their fault.
I am terribly claustrophobic and being grabbed would make me panic and lash out instinctively.
I wouldn't want to move with someone who blamed me for their own mistake, screamed at me and attempted to physically stop me leaving a situation so they could verbally abuse me further.

Unicornchaser · 23/03/2018 18:44

YANBU, her fault for putting her possession in the wrong pile that got thrown out. If she was sorting it, why should you be expected to go through it again?!

As for the 'push' sounds to me like she was off balance from grabbing you, you pushed her off hence her falling. Doesn't sound like a shove to me which is different.

As for her threatening to go to the police?! She is trying to rail road you here and being an ass to try and get you to go grovelling for something she ultimately was the instigator of.

(I may well get this post copied and trolled out because I'm not instantly on the 'oh he is an abusive husband band wagon......)

ProperLavs · 23/03/2018 18:44

You wife sounds busy and aggressive. If someone grabbed me forcefully I'd bloody well push them.
She put her stuff in the wrong tile so it's her fault.
Does she normally treat you like shit op?

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/03/2018 18:45

Preparing to move abroad was THE most stressful thing DH and I have been through together. Admittedly, neither of us pushed each other at any point.

Point is - this is a hugely stressful time. If everything is otherwise good, I'm sure you'll be able to get past this, once you've both calmed down.

opionated · 23/03/2018 18:47

rather than answer the question directly id say it obviously is not a healthy relationship and you should end the relationship as its no way to live.

panetonnebraxton · 23/03/2018 18:48

Ive taught all of my kids basic break-away including a 2 handed shove.

Probably useful if they're ever attacked in the street.

Not really necessary when your wife grabs your arm in the kitchen.

Perhaps teach them that, too.

OnionKnight · 23/03/2018 18:50

*Probably useful if they're ever attacked in the street.

Not really necessary when your wife grabs your arm in the kitchen.

Perhaps teach them that, too.*

What should the OP have done then?

panetonnebraxton · 23/03/2018 18:52

What should the OP have done then?

Asked/Told her to let go? Or just pulled his arm out of her grip?

If you can't pull your arm out of someone's grip without pushing them over, then they must be a lot stronger than you and seriously intent on holding onto your arm. I suppose that could be the case here but it seems highly unlikely.

Namechangetempissue · 23/03/2018 18:54

If my husband grabbed my arm in the kitchen to prevent me leaving so he could scream at me I would have pushed bloody hard. Probably punched out in panic.

DarkPeakScouter · 23/03/2018 18:57

Not ok to hurt someone, mistakes happen and moving is stressful. Got to dump and see if item is there

HonkyWonkWoman · 23/03/2018 19:02

panetonnebraxton*
She was blaming him for something he hasn't done.
Ranting, screaming and shouting and getting physical
And he was supposed to:
Asked/Told her to let go. Or just pulled his arm out of her grip?
Would you give this advice if a woman was being treated in this way?

Namechangetempissue · 23/03/2018 19:04

You think saying let go to someone in the grip of a screaming tantrum will make them do so?!

Avasarala · 23/03/2018 19:04

If he was strong enough to pull his arm away, that would have been the best course of action. Pushing can escalate things and get him in trouble. But in general, he defended himself. If she behaves like this a lot... your relationship needs some help.

MsHarry · 23/03/2018 19:06

Why is she saying you hit her if you didn't? Does she normally make stuff up?

Gemini69 · 23/03/2018 19:15

HonkyWonkWoman

spot on Flowers

SpringHen · 23/03/2018 19:16

If you can't pull your arm out of someone's grip without pushing them over, then they must be a lot stronger than you and seriously intent on holding onto your arm. I suppose that could be the case here but it seems highly unlikely.

When someone is in a rage they have more strength than they normally do physically

HonkyWonkWoman · 23/03/2018 19:17

She is still being abusive now by lying that he has hit her and that she could get the Police involved. Then goes silent again.
Typical mental abuse.
As well.........

SpringHen · 23/03/2018 19:25

He has done exactly what I have shown my kids to do and what I would do if grabbed or backed into a corner.

She was beyond reason so it would have been dangerous for him to stay there trying.

Pengggwn · 23/03/2018 19:32

She was beyond reason so it would have been dangerous for him to stay there trying.

Beyond reason? Dangerous? Is that not overstating things a bit?

numptynuts · 23/03/2018 19:33

In defence of the OP, we are in the process of moving, new job, both stressed and emotions and frustration and fatigue is at an all time high.

This hasn't happened as has to the OP as we are trying to keep our relationship as the top priority. It's not easy though....

Stress and tiredness is a bastard, especially when trying to spin a hundred plates.

However, your wife was unreasonable in my opinion.

YearOfYouRemember · 23/03/2018 19:35

But you didn't hit her. Ask her why she's making stuff up and making threats.