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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about this argument with my wife?

156 replies

GregVegas · 23/03/2018 16:40

hi there

i need some advice

my wife and i are moving abroad on sunday and are in the process of packing and getting the house sorted ready to be rented out

my wife told me i was in charge of taking rubbish / unwanted items to the dump and she would pack everything else. she was making piles of 'wanted' and 'unwanted' and she accidentally put a personal possession of hers in the unwanted pile. i then took it to the dump.

this morning she asked me where the item was and i said i was pretty sure it had been put in an 'unwanted' bag and that i'd chucked it. she got really angry and started ranting about how im so unthoughtful and how i should have known she wanted to keep this thing and how it was all my fault.

i was tired and not in the mood for screaming and shouting so i went to walk out of the room, she grabbed my arm to pull me back so i turned around and pushed her, she fell over.

she is still not talking to me and claims i hit her.

i just wanted her to let me go so i could calm down and she wouldnt let me. she is still not speaking to me.

OP posts:

Corblimeyguv · 23/03/2018 17:42

You guess you just snapped. That line suggests that you pushed in anger rather than just trying to detach yourself, which would explain why she fell.

That’s unacceptable.

MsHarry · 23/03/2018 17:43

Errr hello people, he PUSHED her over!!!

MsHarry · 23/03/2018 17:45

The reverse thread is.

I am moving abroad and I accidentally put a precious item in the dump pile and DH took it to the dump. I'm really upset and had a moan at DH who didn't understaff why I was upset and told me it was my fault and walked away. I grabbed his arm to stop him walking away and he pushed me so hard I fell over.

Not sure you'd all be saying it was her fault!

MamosianAntiMatterChopsticks · 23/03/2018 17:46

YWBothU

She grabbed you - she WBU
You pushed her - you WBU

She started it, which was WU, but it sounds like your reaction to her grabbing your arm was more forceful as she ended up falling over.

Sounds like you're both just very stressed atm. Moving is highly stressful anyway, but moving abroad must be at least twice as stressful.

If neither of you have been physically aggressive with each other previous to this incident, I'd put it down to the enormous stress of moving, apologise to each other, agree to never do this again and move forward with your new lives.

But if this has happened before, and either of you are unable to control your emotions without it turning physical, emigrating to another country together may not be the best idea.

Corblimeyguv · 23/03/2018 17:47

Exactly, @MsHarry. I initially thought it might have been a genuine accident (ie he meant to get her to let go and accidentally pushed) but that’s clearly not the case from the update.

Nice to see the usual trolls on here telling the OP to leave his wife because she’s so awful.

Avasarala · 23/03/2018 17:50

When someone grabs at you and you're already angry, it's very easy to have a natural reaction of trying to get them off you. You might not have meant to be so forcefully but if you did then apologisr for that, but nothing else. Dont even apologidr for trying to get away from her - she shoild not have grabbed you and you needed to get her off. Wouldnt have happened if she hadnt got physical with you first.Was it a proper fall or 'fall' as she wanted to be dramatic about It?

You just need to tell her that she dished out the jobs, moving is a hassle so you can't check through all the rubbish bags. You did exactly as she asked. She then verbally abused you - shrieking and insulting you - and then when you tried to leave the situation she got physical. If that had been a man to a woman, everyone would be up in arms. Just because she is a woman does not mean she can behave like that. Admit you shouldn't have pushed but you had to defend yourself.

SusanBunch · 23/03/2018 17:54

Actually this thread is giving me the creeps, especially the (presumably female) posters climbing over themselves to say this was all the wife's fault for starting it.

Seriously, you should be able to have a go at your partner and vent your stress and frustration without being forcefully pushed to the floor. That is a hard shove and the OP admitted to 'snapping'. I am sure most perpetrators of DV will talk for ages about how their nagging partner started it and if only she had left him alone, this would not have happened. That's certainly the kind of shit my dad would come out with to excuse punching my mum in the head.

I hope she leaves your abuse ass to be honest. I hope she is reading this (if it's real).

Ruffian · 23/03/2018 17:55

Waiting for OP to reveal that they are female married to a female.

Grimbles · 23/03/2018 17:55

The reverse thread is...

There's a thread on here where a woman deliberately hit her husband because she thought he was going to (accidentally) slam the car door on her arm. Plenty of people were saying it was the stress of moving house that caused her to act that way and a few pointed out that people wouldn't say that if it was the other way round.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence this thread popped up a little while later though.

SusanBunch · 23/03/2018 17:55

You might not have meant to be so forcefully but if you did then apologisr for that, but nothing else. Dont even apologidr for trying to get away from her - she shoild not have grabbed you and you needed to get her off. Wouldnt have happened if she hadnt got physical with you first.Was it a proper fall or 'fall' as she wanted to be dramatic about It?

You couldn't make it up. Is it okay to have these violent natural reactions with children and animals too then?

Teutonic · 23/03/2018 17:55

Why would you apologise to her?
She fucked up, then had a go at you, then grabbed your arm when you tried to diffuse the situation by leaving the room. Then she fell over when you pushed her away.
I'm quite sure she would have pushed you if you had have grabbed her.
Maybe she will think twice about getting physical next time tempers are frayed.

AngelL7 · 23/03/2018 17:55

You have Absolutely no justification for pushing her! You could have shrugged her off or continued to walk away to get out of her grasp.

She was wrong for blaming you and grabbing you but by no mean does it justify you pushing her over.

Mummadeeze · 23/03/2018 17:57

We can't judge this situation because we only have your side of the story which you might be remembering to suit you. On one occasion when my partner was aggressive to me he accused me of not giving him space or of obstructing him when in fact I remember clearly trying to get away from him because he was angry and I was scared. We would definitely both relay that incident differently. I don't think it was your fault that you threw away the item though. I would apologise to your wife about pushing her over as that sounds like an OTT reaction that you should have controlled. But agree with the person who said you don't sound sorry.

Avasarala · 23/03/2018 17:59

@SusanBunch

What exactly is wrong with what I said? He needs to apologise for shoving her. But he didn't nothing else wrong.
She should absolutely not have grabbed him. It is never ok to be physical - it does not matter that she is a woman. She fucked up with the rubbish bags, then she berated him and then she grabbed him all of that is wrong and her doing.

He should not have shoved and should apologise for that but not for anything else. He should have just pulled his arm away or removed her hand but didn't. So apologise for pushing but he didn't actually do anything else wrong.

Avasarala · 23/03/2018 18:02

@SusanBunch
The point is, it's a fight or flight reaction. We learn to control those when we stop being children. He didn't. So he needs to apologise. There's nothing wrong with gently pushing someone away or removing their hand when they grab you, but he allowed his natural "fight" reaction to overwhelm him, when he should have controlled it.

SusanBunch · 23/03/2018 18:03

What exactly is wrong with what I said? He needs to apologise for shoving her. But he didn't nothing else wrong.

I don't think anyone cares about the bags or the rubbish. Why are people making a big deal out of that- yes, she was in the wrong, but you do not retaliate by shoving someone to the ground because you 'snapped'.

So, in response to my question, if it's so natural to react violently if someone grabs your arm, is it okay to shove your child forcefully to the ground if they grab your arm or similar because it's a natural reaction?

Ginger1982 · 23/03/2018 18:05

Having a physical fight is never a good indicator in a relationship.

She technically assaulted you first and you acted in self defence. Your reaction in the heat of the moment and proportionality are things that would be considered if this ever went near a court.

If your wife was on here saying you had grabbed her arm and she had pushed you over she would probably be told to leave you for your violence 🙄

SusanBunch · 23/03/2018 18:06

The point is, it's a fight or flight reaction. We learn to control those when we stop being children. He didn't. So he needs to apologise. There's nothing wrong with gently pushing someone away or removing their hand when they grab you, but he allowed his natural "fight" reaction to overwhelm him, when he should have controlled it.

I would say he needs to take a long hard look at his temper and take responsibility for it. If someone said 'sorry' to me after shoving me to the ground over a petty argument, I would want them to be taking some action to correct their behaviour, such as enrolling on a DV course. It is not normal or natural behaviour and whether she started it makes no difference.

SusanBunch · 23/03/2018 18:08

If your wife was on here saying you had grabbed her arm and she had pushed you over she would probably be told to leave you for your violence

No, that is a huge lie. Of course she wouldn't be told that if she was the one who reacted violently and pushed her partner over.

Original poster

GregVegas · 23/03/2018 18:08

i snapped because she wouldnt let me go and i was tired and she was screaming and shouting and i just wanted some space.

i am sorry i pushed her and that she fell, i have apologised and tried to get her to talk to me but she says i hit her and that she could go to the police if she wanted. then she just stopped talking to me altogether.

i dont know what else i can do to make this right. i'll admit im still angry that she blamed me for throwing her possession away and that she got all up in my face yelling. but i can see how my reaction was crossing the line.

OP posts:

Karigan1 · 23/03/2018 18:10

No violence is ever acceptable or necessary except on circumstances where self defence are required. She should not have grabbed you. You should not have shoved her.

I have actually been in a situation very similar where my ex grabbed me. It was hard enough to leave bruises on my arm where the fingers went and he was pulling me around. At first I read yours similarly because of my experience. I had to shove him away from me as he wouldn’t let go and was hurting. As said he’s now my ex. BUT you say you just snapped. You don’t say you had to. If it’s not self defence it’s wrong.

Avasarala · 23/03/2018 18:10

@SusanBunch

Go read my first comment and then my replies to you. I've answered that.

Did I ever say it's ok?

No. I did not.

I said he shouldn't have shoved her and needs to apologise.

So, what do you think I'd say if it had been a child?

Figure it ok.

Everyone has fight or flight, when someone grabs you aggressively it can be aa natural reaction but since we're not cavemen anymore, we're meant to control ourselves. That's why I said its wrong and he needs to apologise.

You either missread or misunderstood, but I've explained it to you twice now. I will not again. Stop trying to pick a fight with someone who agrees with you.

Coulddowithanap · 23/03/2018 18:10

Did you check she was ok after pushing her over or just walk off?

SandyDenny · 23/03/2018 18:12

It's a long time since I moved and having read 2 threads today about partners getting physical with each other on moving day I hope it's a long time until I have to do it again

SusanBunch · 23/03/2018 18:13

Greg you need to accept that this may be the end of your relationship. I am pretty sure it would be if I were your wife. Even if I was 'shouting and screaming', I would not expect to be pushed to the ground by someone physically stronger than me. This is often how DV starts, with a shove, and it then gets worse over time. Very very rare to have a one-off incident and then nothing more.

If you really are serious about this, you need to give her space and you need to take active steps to ensure that this does not happen again, including taking responsibility for your anger. I take it you don't have DC but how would you react if they were yelling and screaming in your face? Would you shove them too? Or is it okay just because it's your partner and not a child?

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