Ex reported me to SS

[littlegrub2]

Looking for some advice please!

My ex and I split over a year ago and we have a 16 month old. He has her 2/3 nights a week and it was all fine. We had a horrible relationship, he was abusive emotionally and still tries to control me now. He is a narcassist.

Anyway fast forward to this week, dd had an accident. It was all so quick, and I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my days 😩 I had left oven trays soaking in bags in ovenbrite, and she reached up and pulled a bag down. I had already washed one tray and was about to do the other, the bag wasn’t fully clothed and it went in her eye and burned her face/arm. Spent 3 days in children’s hospital now.

Her dad stayed with her in hospital because I have other young children (not his.)
Trying to keep this as short as possible! Basically messaged me saying she was staying with him or his parents for the time being because of ‘recent events.’ I went into social work and they told me he’d reported me earlier that day. He doesn’t believe it was an accident and he believes my mental health poses a risk to her (which is bull and he knows it, it’s just a cheap shot).
I managed to get her back. But what do I do now?
Besides being investigated by SS but they were lovely.
Ex partner told them she wasn’t breastfeeding any more when he knows that she is.

I don’t know what he was trying to achieve, what he was thinking and what the hell to do next.

Basically aibu by not handing her over to him? She’s due to go back on Sunday, I haven’t heard from him. I don’t think I’d get her back though. I just can’t believe he has done this and what he possibly did it for. Any ammunition he gets he throws it at me but this has knocked me for six.

Thank you in advance for any advice x

HiggeldyPigsinblankets

We disagree. I understand that hospitals are bound by the rules of the utmost caution, but I don't think lay people are. I think we are bound by the rules of reasonableness.

Anyway, I don't particularly mind if we differ.

I am not saying anyone deserves to be overlooked. I am saying that a person of average intelligence should be able to tell - without referring to social services - that a child they see very frequently is well looked after. If they are clean, of an appropriate weight, happy in their demeanour, unmarked, nails cut, clothes fit them, developing well, the overwhelming likelihood is that they are loved and cared for. Neglect shows.

Hospitals don’t see children frequently. They only see the child as they present that day. Which is why it is passed on to SS because they contact the people who do see the child every day to make sure nothing untoward is happening.

Bundlesmads

I wasn't talking about hospitals. Like I said.

your previous posts gave no indication you were not talking about the hospital,

How would a one-off accident give anyone concern that the child isn't being looked after adequately? It is a ridiculous overreaction

it was an accident that resulted in quite serious injuries, and does indicate that the child was not being supervised, particularly when dangerous chemicals were being used.

We disagree. I understand that hospitals are bound by the rules of the utmost caution, but I don't think lay people are. I think we are bound by the rules of reasonableness.

Its an unusual accident, not cautious to report it at all, very sensible. So a lay person reporting this is not reasonable? if it was my ex and my dc who was involved in this sort of accident lay person or not I would be wanting answers and wanting it looked at, sod being reasonable I want to ensure my child is safe, as I assume does the ex. There may be some malice in his reporting her, if it was him that did, but it sounds like they do not communicate as parents, so that could be part of the problem, he possibly didn't get a clear answer to how it happened.

as I have said before if the accident had happened while dc was with ex, posters would be baying for blood, and stopping contact

Well I was so maybe we are talking at cross purposes.

It is quite staggering that you could cite me directly, showing me quite clearly making the distinction I am making between the responsibilities of HCPs and ordinary people, and say at the same time that I didn't do that. So I am just going to ignore you now.

that a child they see very frequently is well looked after. If they are clean, of an appropriate weight, happy in their demeanour, unmarked, nails cut, clothes fit them, developing well, the overwhelming likelihood is that they are loved and cared for. Neglect shows.

No, it doesn’t always. Abuse is any class, any background. And do you really think it should only be the second or third episode for us to refer? Shall we wait until the child has serious injuries or is dead? Parents are very good at presenting with an ‘accident’, when it isn’t. Usually the stories don’t add until or change over time so things don’t add up.

Abuse and neglect can be different things, it can affect every family, even the ‘naice’ones. And the fact that people still think it doesn’t is how abuse gets missed.

Are you involved in this at all professionally as it would seem you don’t have a bloody clue.

HobnobBob

Yes, because obviously it is a choice between ludicrous levels of overreaction to accidents and waiting until the child is dead.

And I said nothing whatsoever about class.

Safeguarding is often a jigsaw and by not referring you could be missing something.

I am aware of that. You could always be 'missing something'. That doesn't need absolve us of the responsibility to exercise good judgement and be reasonable in our decisions to seek help.

I am saying that a person of average intelligence should be able to tell - without referring to social services - that a child they see very frequently is well looked after. If they are clean, of an appropriate weight, happy in their demeanour, unmarked, nails cut, clothes fit them, developing well, the overwhelming likelihood is that they are loved and cared for. Neglect shows. So, for me, with my non-professional hat on, I would see no reason to report a one-off accident on a 'just in case' basis,
The hospital see a child on one day.

I've put a safeguarding form in for a child this week already. Sure, thr situation could have been a one off and I could have said 'i'm not an idiot and have reasonable intelligence so I'll decide it's not an issue'. ... turns out when I saw the safeguarding lead i was about the 6th member of staff to flag different things up about this child and there was lots going on we couldn't be told.
Now imagine if all 6 of us had decided that protocol was box ticking and as educated people it was probably a one off.

Children get lost in the system and let down when people don't pass things on 'because it's probably nothing ... probably an accident... they look washed and clean...'

But as I've said several times, Maisy, I understand why a hospital needs to operate on that basis. I wasn't talking about the hospital. I was talking about the ex husband. I would not make a social services referral myself, as someone who knew the child, solely on the basis of an accident like this, if the child seemed otherwise well looked after.

Like you, I complete a concern form whenever I have a concern. I don't do it every time a child has an accident because, in most cases, the fact that there has been accident doesn't trigger my concern.

But in her other posts (based on what others have said, I've not seen the threads) she has mental health issues.

If a non resident parent knows the resident parent has mental health issues and then chemicals were left where a toddler could get them, it isn't unreasonable to pass it on.

If the shoe was on the other foot and Mum was at home and an accident happened at Dad's following a nasty breakup and dad had mental health issues, lots of people (rightly) would be saying Mum would be fine to pass on concerns.

MaisyPops

And like I said, the ex may have genuine reason for concern. I didn't read those posts. All I said was that alone wouldn't cause me to report to SS.