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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex reported me to SS

165 replies

littlegrub2 · 23/03/2018 12:55

Looking for some advice please!

My ex and I split over a year ago and we have a 16 month old. He has her 2/3 nights a week and it was all fine. We had a horrible relationship, he was abusive emotionally and still tries to control me now. He is a narcassist.

Anyway fast forward to this week, dd had an accident. It was all so quick, and I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my days 😩 I had left oven trays soaking in bags in ovenbrite, and she reached up and pulled a bag down. I had already washed one tray and was about to do the other, the bag wasn’t fully clothed and it went in her eye and burned her face/arm. Spent 3 days in children’s hospital now.

Her dad stayed with her in hospital because I have other young children (not his.)
Trying to keep this as short as possible! Basically messaged me saying she was staying with him or his parents for the time being because of ‘recent events.’ I went into social work and they told me he’d reported me earlier that day. He doesn’t believe it was an accident and he believes my mental health poses a risk to her (which is bull and he knows it, it’s just a cheap shot).
I managed to get her back. But what do I do now?
Besides being investigated by SS but they were lovely.
Ex partner told them she wasn’t breastfeeding any more when he knows that she is.

I don’t know what he was trying to achieve, what he was thinking and what the hell to do next.

Basically aibu by not handing her over to him? She’s due to go back on Sunday, I haven’t heard from him. I don’t think I’d get her back though. I just can’t believe he has done this and what he possibly did it for. Any ammunition he gets he throws it at me but this has knocked me for six.

Thank you in advance for any advice x

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/03/2018 22:21

If my DC had been seriously injured to the point of needing multiple days in hospital and potentially being scarred for life, I would also be considering SS involvement for my exh. I can’t say I would be filled with confidence over his parenting skills if something like this occurred

But would you be telling them you believed it was a none accidental injury possibly caused by her mental health issues?

Because that’s what it sounds like he did.

A hospital referral would usually be a disclosed in advance one.

Juells · 23/03/2018 22:22

Who'd have a boiling kettle where a toddler could reach it?

Mumao · 23/03/2018 22:43

Accidents happen... one of my friends pulled a boiling kettle onto herself when she was young. Seriously scarred from it.

But I was referring to the people who were saying the oven cleaner shouldn’t even have been in the house 🙄🙄

DairyisClosed · 23/03/2018 22:49

@needsasock I would assume anyone that had oven cleaner out near a one tear old wasn't in their right mind. How is that a reasonable thing to do?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 23/03/2018 23:10

Of course you can't withhold his contact. There is absolutely no viable reason to do so.

5plusMeAndHim · 23/03/2018 23:49

I was referring to the people who were saying the oven cleaner shouldn’t even have been in the house

?? who said that?

Welliejellie · 24/03/2018 08:39

What makes you think your ex has reported you to ss?

The hospital will have referred your child due to the accident it's standard practice. You will get a visit from ss and if they have no other concerns it will be seen as a one off accident. However if there has been other accidents in the past they will look into are you supervising your child correctly. They will want to be 100% you understand risks etc

Surly you can understand why your ex is annoyed if it was the other way round I am sure you would be too. Keep calm don't rise to his bait. Accidents do happen. But don't stop him seeing his child because he has annoyed you.

I am assuming when you said your ex stayed at the hospital as you have a baby at home. You meant at night and you did see your child during the day. If you didn't see your child for 3 days whilst in hospital after an accident occurred in your care I think ss will think this is strange as will the staff at the hospital.

notapizzaeater · 24/03/2018 08:53

The op needs to come back and clarify - has he always returned dd before. If so havevinvestigated and decided it's an accident he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

MaisyPops · 24/03/2018 08:56

Just thinking the same as other posters here.
If we saw a child in school with burns like that then we would be obliged to complete a safeguarding form and our safeguarding lead would decide where to go from there.

An accident and one off would be noted and that's it, but if (for example) hospital noticed an accident, then someone at school saw something else etc then there would be a picture of a child in need.

Someone raising a concern over chemical burns wouldn't be a narcissist. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2018 09:17

Oh no, accidents happen, toddlers do pull things down or try and reach them. Hope she's ok, just comply with them, and play the game. My then 2 year old ds reached into grannies bag, which was ganging on the door, and got her iron tablets. Took him to hospital and all was well. Their like mini houdinis. I used to use iron Brite when kids were at school/nursery. Put it out in the garden and lock the back doir so I know kids coukd not get to it. Then bring them back and rinse them out.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 24/03/2018 09:54

I don't understand mumsnet sometimes, if the same accident had happened while dd was with ex, the same people shouting that it was an accident stop blaming the mum, would be screaming report him to ss don't let your daughter go there he obviously doesn't watch her properly!!

yet the mother who is the primary carer, because she has escaped a nasty relationship is given a get out of jail free card and should not be blamed for the accident, she was using dangerous chemicals and left them where her daughter could reach them, her daughter obviously had quite serious injuries, of course that should be looked at, MH can impact the way you care for yourself, your children and your perception of danger

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2018 10:16

Exactly, op is already in a vulnerable position, she is extremely upset and is going through enough guilt already, without some of you pious lit laying into her further, and giving her a kicking whilst she's down. No wonder she has not come back. Accidently happen, we are only human, and all have lapses of judgement.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 24/03/2018 10:39

OP, contact is the sacred thing everyone would ask you to keep. But if he has reported you to SS, has accused you of doing intentionally, Has failed to return your DD in the past AND you don’t have a court mandate for contact... your solicitor would advise you not to hand the child over until they can arrange an emergency court hearing to protect the contact of your child with both parents.

Withholding contact is bad, but if there is a possibility the child will not be returned, and that they would be kept by the non resident parent for long enough to become the resident parent... contact should be avoided until the court order is in place.

This can be done quite quickly. Even in a couple of days.

MaisyPops · 24/03/2018 10:50

Aeroflotgirl
Many of us are just pointing out that we can't assume any referral to social services is from the ex or malicious.
Others are pointing out that on MN if a similar accident happened with Dad, the whole thread would be why the NR dad is neglecting his duties and mum should report him.

But if he has reported you to SS, has accused you of doing intentionally
Not necessarily. I've made calls to SS. They are only interested in statements of fact.
A factually accurate claim of 'child has a chemical burn due to chemicals being left in reach of a child' is not stating intentional injury to a child.

It sounds like a rubbish situation, but from what other posters have said there's a lot more going on here than this thread suggests.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/03/2018 11:07

dairy

People with kids do housework. Do you know how many household products are capable of causing burns on skin?

Ever chuck on a load of laundry near a child?

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2018 11:09

Maisy, I am not talking abou that, some posters are being extremely unpleasent to op, who sounds really cut up about what has happened. There is no need to kick somebody when tgey are down. She has escaped from an abusive relationship, and sounds in a very vulnerable position. So what if tge girls dad is staying with her in hospital, he's her dad fgs, at least she she has one parent with her. Op might have nobody else to look after her kids, I haven't besides dh, if she is single, she can hardly leave then home alone to go to the hospital. At hospital her dd is being taken care of.

Glitterkitten24 · 24/03/2018 11:16

Are you sure he reported to SS? My ds recently had to attend a&e as a result of an accident at home and my health visitor was out within days (for the first time since just after he was born) to check us out. The hospital notify the relevant people if they think there might be a safety issue with a child.

dontbesillyhenry · 24/03/2018 13:32

The hospital are obliged to tell you they need to report to ss

dontbesillyhenry · 24/03/2018 13:35

I get fed up of this attitude in general at the minute that carelessness leading to serious accidents should go unmentioned to spare the feelings of the adults who are meant to be safeguarding their kids

DullAndOld · 24/03/2018 13:37

yes and apparently if it's mentioned, it's "woman shaming"....Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2018 13:39

Bloody hell don't op is already upset and feeling guilty about it, does not need you to give her a good kicking when she is down, how is that going to help things. If you cannot say something helpful, don't say anything at all! Accidents happen, and this was what happened, she did not pour it over her fgs.

Juells · 24/03/2018 13:45

without some of you pious lit laying into her further, and giving her a kicking whilst she's down

...but some people are not good at assessing risks, and it might actually be helpful to them. I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out that it was a risk leaving such a toxic chemical where a child could pull it down. A very small child, as well. How far up could a child of 16 months reach? The bag with the chemicals must have been on something at waist height, or lower. Would you leave something lethal at that height, with a child that small around?

MaisyPops · 24/03/2018 13:46

The hospital are obliged to tell you they need to report to ss
I don't think they are.

In schools we are certainly under no obligation to tell parents if we contact social services. I can't see why hospitals would be any different.

We are obliged to tell children that we can't promise confidentiality and that we might have to inform someone else to keep them safe, but certainly don't have to inform home.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2018 14:20

juells, what is done is done now, pointing it out to op and sumising about it won't help, op knows now, because her dd pulled it down burned herself and was hospitalised! Op was careless, she mabey did not realise her dd would pull it down or just did not think at the time, a lapse of judgement. Mabey she was stressed, by her current situation, her mind not focuses. Anyway, what use is it kicking an already vulnerable person down, when they are already at the bottom.

dontbesillyhenry · 24/03/2018 14:36

They are. I'm a nurse. You have to