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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex reported me to SS

165 replies

littlegrub2 · 23/03/2018 12:55

Looking for some advice please!

My ex and I split over a year ago and we have a 16 month old. He has her 2/3 nights a week and it was all fine. We had a horrible relationship, he was abusive emotionally and still tries to control me now. He is a narcassist.

Anyway fast forward to this week, dd had an accident. It was all so quick, and I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my days 😩 I had left oven trays soaking in bags in ovenbrite, and she reached up and pulled a bag down. I had already washed one tray and was about to do the other, the bag wasn’t fully clothed and it went in her eye and burned her face/arm. Spent 3 days in children’s hospital now.

Her dad stayed with her in hospital because I have other young children (not his.)
Trying to keep this as short as possible! Basically messaged me saying she was staying with him or his parents for the time being because of ‘recent events.’ I went into social work and they told me he’d reported me earlier that day. He doesn’t believe it was an accident and he believes my mental health poses a risk to her (which is bull and he knows it, it’s just a cheap shot).
I managed to get her back. But what do I do now?
Besides being investigated by SS but they were lovely.
Ex partner told them she wasn’t breastfeeding any more when he knows that she is.

I don’t know what he was trying to achieve, what he was thinking and what the hell to do next.

Basically aibu by not handing her over to him? She’s due to go back on Sunday, I haven’t heard from him. I don’t think I’d get her back though. I just can’t believe he has done this and what he possibly did it for. Any ammunition he gets he throws it at me but this has knocked me for six.

Thank you in advance for any advice x

OP posts:
Ellendegeneres · 23/03/2018 14:05

Truthfully if my dc had injuries like that sustained with his dad (and we get on well) id be raising absolute hell. I’d be questioning his ability to properly take care of him.
I wouldn’t think it intentional but I’d lose my shit entirely.
Dc of that age should be nowhere near a kitchen imo. Unless in arms. I have gates everywhere and my youngest is nearly 2- I will have them there for at least another year to come too.

You must understand his absolute fear and concerns given what happened. 3 days being admitted to hospital is not small- especially considering the ongoing care needs she will need

DullAndOld · 23/03/2018 14:05

a 'trolling' problem?
because not everybody has said 'oh you poor woman, yes stop the bastard from seeing his child'?
She asked for opinions...

ThereIsIron · 23/03/2018 14:05

If you wash your oven trays after each use you'll never need to use ovenbrite.

BatFinked · 23/03/2018 14:05

Yes spot on re trolling

Here we have a woman who’s asking other women for support after an abusive relationship . Shame on the bloody lot of you who’ve blamed her. Just shocking

Ellendegeneres · 23/03/2018 14:06

Of course someone coming from an abusive relationship needs support and I hope you have plenty- but it he sounds like a good dad to the child. Focus on that for now, even though he’s being an arse to you

Onlyoldontheoutside · 23/03/2018 14:07

I can't be sanctimonious about accidents as I have had a few near misses so there but for the grace of God etc.
I've also had a shot marriage but even close friends didn't know most of it so not about to tell the OP she is wrong about hers on no evidence whatsoever.
Not saying that the Dad doesn't care about his daughter or want to know what happened and bviously he was a hero for staying with his DD overnight while OP looked after the other children.OP didn't say she didn't see her in that time.
What OP asked for was a bit of advice and support,she feels bad enough already, which people on MN can be so good at.
Sadly most of those are out today.

MrsPepperpot79 · 23/03/2018 14:08

If he is named on the Birth Certificate (which I take it he is), then he has parental responsibility and you cannot prevent contact (and attempts to do so will raise big red flags, especially after accident). However, I would talk to SS and possibly to a family solicitor re your worries that ex is not telling whole truth and potentially trying to remove DD from your care - go with their advice.

Hope your DD is getting better...

Ivymaud · 23/03/2018 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2018 14:09

Interesting. Is he a narcissist because she says so?

She has no basis at all for threatening to stop contact and denying her child a relationship with her father. Her father who stepped up and sat with her - at the OP's own admission - while she was recovering in hospital for 3 days, from serious injuries sustained in OP's house through the OP's negligence? Yeah, he sounds like a right heartless bastard.

He was worried about the baby's welfare and did the responsible thing in reporting his concerns to the authorities. Rather than accusing his ex of being a shit mum and doing nothing about it because he can't be arsed, he again stepped up and had her with him while social services investigated.

JediStoleMyBike · 23/03/2018 14:09

I fully support the OP for coming out of an abusive relationship. I am so sorry that happened to you OP and I am glad you are in a safer place now.

I do not support a child injured due to carelessness of a parent - especially a child that has suffered chemical burns and needed to be admitted to hospital. This has nothing to do with whether the responsible parent was abused or not. It doesn't matter. Domestic abuse is not a general get out of jail free card for lack of attention.

DullAndOld · 23/03/2018 14:13

I think that everyone has had an accident with their child at some point haven't they?
However most people don't use it as a reason to stop contact with an involved and loving parent.
I am not a 'troll' thank you.
And it was a pretty bad accident wasn't it? Lets be honest.

upsideup · 23/03/2018 14:13

Shame on the bloody lot of you who’ve blamed her. Just shocking

What do you want people to say? What a horrible man for being concerned that his 16month daughter has been in hospital for 3 days now with chemical burns to her eye, face and arm?
His reaction is perfectly reasonable, if this had happened at the fathers house you wouldnt be justifying his behaviour and discouraging the mum from reporting the incident to SS, would you?

FizzyGreenWater · 23/03/2018 14:14

Standing back from all of it.

He's abusive.

You made a big error in judgement and your child was hurt - him reporting/being concerned is GOOD parenting - and not necessarily connected with his abuse. HOWEVER - it's perfectly possible that yes, Mr Abusive was indeed jumping with joy at getting the chance to report you, etc.

Leaving all that aside - whatever the facts are, the sensible course of action is the same.

SS investigated and are happy with your care. You are the primary carer and resident parent and they are ok with that. So no, he should not withhold her and it isn't in her interests to do so. I would speak to SS and get their advice and let them know you think he will try and keep her and what they suggest. They will possibly say court to get it sorted. In the interim, you should probably try and get a residence order, which means that should he withold her the police have the power to return her to you as you are the official primary carer. Then you tell him that it isn't in her interests to be used as a football and that SS have no concerns, so if he is not happy still then he needs to go to court and do it officially.

sockunicorn · 23/03/2018 14:15

To be honest if this story was the other way round and you were telling me your DD was burnt at her dads house and then you had to stay in hospital for 3 days with her because he has other children to take care of I would also be concerned about her time at his house and suggest you get it looked at. Sorry op Flowers

idontwanttogetoutofbed · 23/03/2018 14:17

I don't think his actions warrant you stopping contact.

Prior to this all was fine with the arrangement...

He may be an abusive wanker to you but honestly would you have done anything different if it happened in his care?

It appears SS have been happy enough with their investigation and he will have to accept this.

If you feel his accusations are completely malicious and a pattern of the abuse - seek a non molestation order to protect yourself from false allegations but I think you should let her go tbh

ChaosNeverRains · 23/03/2018 14:18

Disagreeing with someone does not equal trolling. I suggest those who think it does go and educate themselves.

From a bystander’s point of view we have someone (and it doesn’t matter whether it was a man or woman) who had dangerous chemicals within reach of their toddler, and who, when said toddler pulled the bag of chemicals on to themselves resulting in injuries severe enough to mean three days in hospital then told the father to go and be with them because they were too busy with their other children. I’m not sure that SS are permitted to disclose who made the report anyway are they? So it could just as easily have been the hospital’s safeguarding team, and to be honest, based on the incident this would be enough to raise red flags either way even if the father hadn’t been in the picture.

As for the ex, he has spent the time in hospital with his child, and now that it has legitimately come to the attention of the authorities the OP wants to withhold contact? What for? For being worried about his child?

Even if this was an accident the OP was careless and lessons need to be learned. Going off on one and withholding access will just enhance the belief that the OP is trying to hide something even if she isn’t.

And just because someone claims to have been in an abusive relationship doesn’t mean they deserve unquestioned support regardless of how they choose to live their life thereafter.

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 23/03/2018 14:20

Another good post from Fizzy - always like your clarity

youarenotkiddingme · 23/03/2018 14:20

We only have your expression of him being emotionally abysive and narcissistic. I doubt your opinion isn't entirely unfounded.

However, he has his DD 2/3 days a week. He steps up to remain in hospital with her when injured in your care because of other children.

He probably did have genuine concerns (whatever he's done maliciously before) because his dd had chemical burns including an eye injury.

SS have investigated and are happy it was an accident.

From now you need to build a decent relationship with him contact wise for your dd sake and also get a court order if you are concerned he will withhold returning her.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2018 14:32

Clearly he is using this accident as a stick to beat you with. Because he's a knob

But sadly in this case you gave him the ammunition (through no fault of your own)

I'm sure he's been a knob about all sorts of other things too but this time he gets the chance to be all concerned parent and moral high ground.

It's galling but you're going to have to do what HollyBayTree says and cooperate with SS etc

I hope your DD is OK Thanks

TooSassy · 23/03/2018 14:34

I think that if this happened with any young child, in anyones care (even if both parents were present), it's not beyond the realms of SS getting involved to investigate (do you know that it wasn't the hospital who reported you?)

If you're worried, speak to SS, get some legal advice. But do not stop contact going ahead. You got your child back home, and actually even if he did report you, he had grounds to IMO. You don't have any, aside from tit for tat. And if this ever goes to family court, that wouldn't reflect well on you.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2018 14:36

That's true actually. Do you know it was him OP?

Pickleypickles · 23/03/2018 14:37

I dont think OP is asking for advice on whether or not ss should of been called or whether she should use oven pride around small children. I think the point was she is worried that if the father takes the child as planned on sunday he wont return her when he is supposed to?

Scullerymaid · 23/03/2018 14:39

If you wash your oven trays after each use you'll never need to use ovenbrite

Wtaf?

JessicaJonesJacket · 23/03/2018 14:40

Although he said he reported you, he might not. Depending on the accident, the hospital may have reported the incident to SS. I think you need to try to move on from the resentment that he may (or may not) have involved SS.
I would contact SS and also Woman's Aid for advice. Get any advice put in writing and then decide your next step from there.

I don't think it would be wise to break contact orders or obstruct contact when your DD has just had an accident in your care. Your ex could spin it that you are restricting contact because you don't want people to see if your DC is injured. But, I am not an expert hence why I think you should seek appropriate advice.

astoundedgoat · 23/03/2018 14:42

I think the OP is worried about contact this weekend because she has grounds to believe he might not give the child back after his contact days.

Isn't that what she is asking for advice on?

Yes, the accident was serious, but SS have investigated and returned the child to the OP, so it''s what happens NEXT that the OP is concerned about. How can she mitigate the risk of her ex just keeping the child after this weekend?