Ex reported me to SS

[littlegrub2]

Looking for some advice please!

My ex and I split over a year ago and we have a 16 month old. He has her 2/3 nights a week and it was all fine. We had a horrible relationship, he was abusive emotionally and still tries to control me now. He is a narcassist.

Anyway fast forward to this week, dd had an accident. It was all so quick, and I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my days 😩 I had left oven trays soaking in bags in ovenbrite, and she reached up and pulled a bag down. I had already washed one tray and was about to do the other, the bag wasn’t fully clothed and it went in her eye and burned her face/arm. Spent 3 days in children’s hospital now.

Her dad stayed with her in hospital because I have other young children (not his.)
Trying to keep this as short as possible! Basically messaged me saying she was staying with him or his parents for the time being because of ‘recent events.’ I went into social work and they told me he’d reported me earlier that day. He doesn’t believe it was an accident and he believes my mental health poses a risk to her (which is bull and he knows it, it’s just a cheap shot).
I managed to get her back. But what do I do now?
Besides being investigated by SS but they were lovely.
Ex partner told them she wasn’t breastfeeding any more when he knows that she is.

I don’t know what he was trying to achieve, what he was thinking and what the hell to do next.

Basically aibu by not handing her over to him? She’s due to go back on Sunday, I haven’t heard from him. I don’t think I’d get her back though. I just can’t believe he has done this and what he possibly did it for. Any ammunition he gets he throws it at me but this has knocked me for six.

Thank you in advance for any advice x

oh that's good - tell people who say something you don't like that they are 'dense' 'thick ' and 'hard of thinking'.

Sorry but if you think a trayful of caustic soda in your baby's face would not get the other parent asking questions, then I am not the one who is 'thick'. Have a nice day.

It's probably out of order to post this OP but I think it's useful to look back on what you yourself posted about your relationship last year. You were very much in love with him and desperately wanted him back. You were struggling with MH issues and also not happy about him having contact overnight.

There's a lot going on that has lead to his behaviour over your daughter not just a one off incident.

I'm going through addiction management treatment and I'm on ADs myself so I know how hard MH issues are with young kids. You are doing it all on your own so I really take my hat off to you.

ADs can make your thinking foggy and if you are trying to do it all by yourself it will be extra hard. Do you ever get a break yourself? Do you have family support?

There's some absolute idiots on this thread spouting some absolute women shaming nonsense I agree. Op, accidents happen. Some worse than others, but ultimately they are accidents and not child abuse and not evidence that a parent is negligent.

I'd advise legal advice regarding your concerns about him not returning your dd. I'm afraid that he might be seen to be acting as reasonably concerned parent while the SS investigation is ongoing, but should they conclude that there are no concerns then i'm not sure there'd be justification for him to keep her.

Absolutely ridiculous to suggest that someone has legitimate concerns if a child is so severely injured that they need to spend time in hospital is woman shaming.

Yes, SS have agreed that it was an accident, that doesn’t make their investigation unwarranted.

OP posted back in October that she was still madly in love with this man and desperately wanted him back, and did state at the time that she had MH issues. So regardless of everything else the man has not made this bit up. Doesn’t mean that the MH issues were to do with anything that happened with regards to the child but interesting that once he refused to take her back in October she started to try and block contact between her dd and him/his family and he’s now been escalated to an abuser.

The OP could do with some professional support to A, deal with her MH and B, to sort out a proper contact schedule re her dd, through mediation if possible.

He may well have been in the wrong to make a referral, if it was even him who did so, however it seems very clear that this is by no means black and white between the two of them with an unfortunate child in the middle who is being used as a pawn.

Did you breastfeed your daughter when she was in hospital?

OP didn't say she didn't visit her child! She says her Ex stayed with the child (which I assume to be the overnight part).

Agree that there is no need to keep beating over the OP over what sounds like a horrible, frightening accident that she clearly feels terrible about.

I can totally understand the ex being worried and wanting to keep the child with him. The SS referral was the right thing but OP has never said it wasn't. But I can also understand the OP not wanting to hand the child to him due to her fear of him not giving her back (which he has explicitly said he will do).

Unfortunately, OP, I think you have to let her go to him. But I can totally understand your fears. I hope things work out.

I saw a PP mentioning OP's old posts so just had a look. It's true that OP you mentioned having depression, which IS a MH issue. Nothing wrong with that obviously but that means your ex isn't wrong to say you have MH issue - not saying that this means you shouldn't have custody, just pointing it out because your post comes across as very one-sided. Not sure how much I believe of his abuse given that several of your other posts about wanting him back don't make him sound abusive in the slightest. I do think if your ex had had the same accident with your daughter, you would have done the same and reported him though. I am sure that since he handed her back previously, he will again.

It's silly that posters on here talk about woman-bashing etc when people are perfectly entitled to their opinions! The post is ASKING for opinions, and the facts of the incident are relevant.

I don't think you should stop contact based on the fact that this was clearly your error and I can't see that he has done anything other than be a good father in this instance.

Ffs woman bashing. Shame on the usual suspects to come running in with the usual histrionics 'wahhhh woman shaming, spiteful, perfect parents'

Whether it was a man woman or undefined, mum, dad, grandparents childminder etc they would deserve to be shamed about being so negligent. The child's safety comes before blindly defend a mother's right to be as careless as she wishes

Are you sure it was him, only I didn’t think SS told you who makes the referral. It is the sort of thing we would refer for in hospital, even if it was an accident.

But the dad already has dd 2/3 nights a week and you don't breastfeed then so I don't see how's it's relevant. Please don't withhold contact that's petty, and the hospital are likely to have raised concerns?

Are you sure it was him, only I didn’t think SS told you who makes the referral. It is the sort of thing we would refer for in hospital, even if it was an accident. thats what i was thinking ( i dont work in a hospital my my job involves interacting with children)

Unless the person ASKED to remain anonymous then yes ss would tell you who reported it.

In fairness OP didn't deny or comment on her mental health, just that the fact it makes her a potential risk to the child is rubbish.

Accidents happen. We all learn from them (usually)
Do you know he was the source of the referral to social services?In the event of a safeguarding concern then the ED usually make such a referral.

I think there are large holes in your account.

In his shoes, if have been furious. Accidents happen but.... Not like that. She shouldn't have been able to reach that bag. If you were washing the other tray, then you would have known your reaction time to her would be slower and that bag should have been well out the way. That's what is be thinking if I were him.

Sounds like he stepped up. Now, telling AS he thinks it was on purpose was a dick move. Maybe he really doesn't know, maybe he's using your mistake to his advantage but you can't stop him seeing his child.

I’m sorry OP, but nothing you said in your original post sounds like he is using your child as a way to punish the other parent, on the other hand, the notion of stopping contact in the near future because of his recent sS referral does sound a bit like point scoring.

I know the situation of being falsely accused very well. Only he completely denied making accusations- they were complete shit and completely unfounded. SS visited once. He was visited to be told about SS findings- house in decent state, nursery happy DD was taken care of. No bruising on DD, DD happy. DD clean.

In all honesty it’s hard to slate a man who had made it clear he had concerns and seemingly did his best to protect his child.

Please try not to view it as a you V him scenario. This is DD being taken care of. You would do similar in the same circumstances.

Please try not to be offended- it is hard, but this was quite a serious accident.

This situation will pass. But if you stop contact you will appear to me point scoring and SS May view it as emotional abuse of your DD

And I agree with PP who say it may not have even been him who made the referral- unless you have proof.

Sorry to say, but I’ve worked in a position where I see accidental injuries etc and as much as I hate to say it, but I would have thought this incident was a safeguarding issue.

I say this as kindly as possible, but It’s to ensure your child is ok. Nothing to do with peoples thoughts of who you are as a person.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to sound horrible, but if I saw this at work I’d have some concerns.

Fucking hell. What a spiteful bunch of sneery cunts have posted on this thread so far (mostly anyway).

Accidents happen. She didn't leave the oven cleaner on the floor or bugger off for a nap and leave the baby unattended .

Horrible, tragic accidents happen to kids every day. They hang themselves on blind cords, pull TV's on top of them, they eat slug pellets or dishwasher tablets, they fall down the stairs after a gate was left open, they wander off because mum looked away for ten seconds, they slip in the bath and drown in a centimetre of water, they get left in the car because routines change and no one is infallible.

Most of those parents aren't neglectful, they're human, they're just tragic accidents which with hindsight could have been avoided. Fat lot of good hindsight does after the event though.

But for the grace of God and all that it could be any one of us. And if you're so arrogant you disagree then more fool you.

Fucking shameful responses on here in the majority.

No one can help because we don't know what the situation is like. You say that he referred to recent eventS, so it would seem his decision to refer your to SS wasn't a knee jerk reaction.

We can't say whether his actions were reasonable or not. If they were only because he had reasons to be concerned, even if you know this is not the case, then just work with SS and accept that even wrong, he did the right thing. If he did it out of spite, then go through the motion and try not to rise to his provocation.

I wouldn't hand over my child if I thought they would not be returned. Go to court, get a court order before handing her over again. Then you can legally get her back if he decides to keep her like he said he would.

Oh seriously! Next you’ll be saying that one shouldn’t have a boiling kettle in the house around children. Get a grip.

Accidents happen, this isn’t a ‘normal’ but still an accident.

Op maybe ex was annoyed that you weren’t at the hospital as much as he thought you should be? I wouldn’t stop contact and would try to talk to him.

I would say if someone left a kettle on the edge of a work top or had a trailing flex, that is neglectful,

I hope your daughter is recovering well, it sounds really nasty poor little thing.

My ex had our dd aged about 5, he left her alone in the sitting room with his mothers dog, the dog bit her in the face she needed stitches and still has a scar, I was really upset about dd, the whole incident frightened her, and I was really pissed at ex for leaving her alone, in retrospect probably I was irrationally angry as accidents happen, if it had been possible, I would probably have reported him.

after such a serious accident I would have thought that the hospital would report it to ss, is it possible that ss spoke to ex and he told them his concerns? if I was the ex I would be really worried and reporting my concerns. Whatever happened they have checked and found no issues so there are no reasons not to allow him contact with your daughter, that would not be fair on her or him