Ex reported me to SS

[littlegrub2]

Looking for some advice please!

My ex and I split over a year ago and we have a 16 month old. He has her 2/3 nights a week and it was all fine. We had a horrible relationship, he was abusive emotionally and still tries to control me now. He is a narcassist.

Anyway fast forward to this week, dd had an accident. It was all so quick, and I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my days 😩 I had left oven trays soaking in bags in ovenbrite, and she reached up and pulled a bag down. I had already washed one tray and was about to do the other, the bag wasn’t fully clothed and it went in her eye and burned her face/arm. Spent 3 days in children’s hospital now.

Her dad stayed with her in hospital because I have other young children (not his.)
Trying to keep this as short as possible! Basically messaged me saying she was staying with him or his parents for the time being because of ‘recent events.’ I went into social work and they told me he’d reported me earlier that day. He doesn’t believe it was an accident and he believes my mental health poses a risk to her (which is bull and he knows it, it’s just a cheap shot).
I managed to get her back. But what do I do now?
Besides being investigated by SS but they were lovely.
Ex partner told them she wasn’t breastfeeding any more when he knows that she is.

I don’t know what he was trying to achieve, what he was thinking and what the hell to do next.

Basically aibu by not handing her over to him? She’s due to go back on Sunday, I haven’t heard from him. I don’t think I’d get her back though. I just can’t believe he has done this and what he possibly did it for. Any ammunition he gets he throws it at me but this has knocked me for six.

Thank you in advance for any advice x

Is it in your child's interest to see her father? Yes unless he is abusive or neglectful to her. If he wont give her back you need legal advice.
Have as little contact with him as you can

I would get legal advice.

It is not right for the OP to withhold contact and it is not right for the ex to withhold contact (which he has already attempted). He certainly has no excuse as SS have investigated his claims and everything is ok.

I would get advice of a third party who understand Cluster B's spiteful, aggressive behaviour and using children as weapons. Ask Womensaid perhaps - they will know who may be able to advise - he sounds like a nasty piece of work. You know who he is and ignore those who says he's just a concerned father - concerned fathers don't use children as weapons against their mother, as punishment for the mother rejecting the father at some point in the past

WTF is going o this thread?

It was a accident.
He told the OP he wasn't giving the child back.
She is worried he will keep the child after contact

'Extraordinary' to use oven cleaner when you have a child? Fuckig seriously?

Its getting more like netmums o here every day.

he sounds like a nasty piece of work

Is he really. He's protecting his child. Who was injured by her mother's carelessness. He was there in the hospital when OP wasn't as she was busy elsewhere.

Actually there is a possible solution here. Essentially both of you have made accusations about the other's mental state. You are claiming he's a narcissist and he's claiming you have some sort of undisclosed mental illness.

Goto mediation and make the offer that you both get a full psychiatric evaluations, with the provisons that the diagnosis is shared with the other party . Narcissism is one of the three dark triad traits (along with macheavellianism and psychopathy. It's highly unlikely any court would award custody to a diagnosed narcissist.

If you are 100% sure you have no underlying problems yourself and 100% sure he's a narcissist you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. However it could serve as reassurance to both of you if it turns out nobody suffers from anything. If it is revealed that either you or both you AND your ex suffer some form of psychological problem it could set one or both of you on the road to recovery which in turn is a win from your daughters point of view.

Even good parents make stupid mistakes sometimes and I am glad she is on the mend, I am reminded of that poor woman who left her daughter in the car to pop in her partner's office which subsequently rolled into the river and resulting in her daughters death. I'm very glad yours is ok now and I can't fathom how you must be feeling, but don't compound the problem by exacerbating the conflict with the father.

" I am reminded of that poor woman who left her daughter in the car to pop in her partner's office which subsequently rolled into the river and resulting in her daughters death. "

wtf does that have to do with it?

If my DC had been seriously injured to the point of needing multiple days in hospital and potentially being scarred for life, I would also be considering SS involvement for my exh. I can’t say I would be filled with confidence over his parenting skills if something like this occurred.

Kids fall all of the time. They break bones and crack their heads open in more serious cases. Sometimes fingers get trapped in doors etc. Unless you take to 24/7 helicopter parenting, all of this is fairly unavoidable. However chemical burns? Definitely sounds avoidable.

There’s no point beating yourself up now though, it’s already happened and I’m sure you’ll be even more careful in future. I’m not convinced of your ex’s ‘narcissism’ but then, I don’t know him. I just know I would also be concerned if this happened to one of my DC in someone else’s care.

You may have a trolling problem on this thread.

Why is it trolling to think that the ex isn't that unreasonable considering how serious the accident was?

I understand you have other children. But you can't tell me you didn't visit her at all when she was in hospital?

*I think the OP is worried about contact this weekend because she has grounds to believe he might not give the child back after his contact days. and yet that is exactly what she is planning to do - not allow the partner contact. It amounts to the same thing, no?

The child was seriously injured while in her care. Concerns were raised to the authorities, and to be honest we have no idea who raised those concerns and interestingly the OP posted just the once and has not returned to the thread.... but the ex was the one with the child in hospital and the ex kept the child with him while the situation was resolved.

Can anyone on here honestly say that if their child was that seriously hurt while in their ex’s care they would happily return the child to the ex while an investigation was ongoing? Really? Because I don’t believe they would.

As for telling the authorities the child wasn’t breastfed, I’m not sure how that is even relevant really. This isn’t a newborn we’re talking about here, it’s a toddler who manages to spend two/three days a week with his father, so bf isn’t really an issue worth discussing on either side.

I’m sorry you’ve had so many horrible posts on your thread.

We are all only one step away from a life changing accident. Sure, some people might have cleaned the oven trays when she wasn’t around, but they might have accidentally left a stair gate open, a car seat unstrapped...a million different things and been lucky nothing happened. You were a bit thoughtless, but we all are at times, you were extremely unlucky that your thoughtlessness ended in a serious accident. You’be already said you’ll regret it for the rest of your life, I’m not sure what people want really? Just to feel superior I guess.

We had a horrible relationship, he was abusive emotionally and still tries to control me now. He is a narcissist.

You did really well to get out of an abusive relationship. It’s amazing how people berating you now would have all been ‘He’s a wanker, you have to leave him’ and now he’s God’s Gift to Fatherhood because he stayed in hospital with her. He’s the same abusive, controlling wanker you left, he’s just got a new stick to beat you with and to try to control you.

SS have investigated, they’re happy it was an accident, they’re happy with your parenting.

Of course after him refusing to return her, you’re scared he’ll do that again. I’d be terrified of that too! However, I think you just have to let him take her and hope for the best. If the worst happens you’ll get her back as you did last time.

If you wash your oven trays after each use you'll never need to use ovenbrite

Out of all of the issues on this thread, that's the one that leaps out at you ThereIsIron?

The thing is that it was of course an accident insomuch as the OP didn't mean it to happen, but she was extremely negligent.The mere thought of using a chemical so caustic around children of any age ,let alone a young toddler, makes me feel kind of sick and faint.I think most people would only attempt this when the baby was safely in bed.This accident was not a momenatay lapse of attention, it shws a serious lack of judgment on the OP'spart.There is no getting away from that.

Is he really. He's protecting his child. Who was injured by her mother's carelessness. He was there in the hospital when OP wasn't as she was busy elsewhere

The comments just keep getting bitchier.

He wasn’t protecting his child when he was abusing her Mum.
He isn’t protecting his child when he's still trying to control her Mum.

She wasn’t ‘busy elsewhere’ in the way you’re suggesting, she was at home looking after her other small children. Do you thinkmall parents are ‘busy elsewhere’ when their other half is in hospital with one child and the other one is at home with the others? Or is that fucking awful attitude saved for a woman who is a single parent after getting out of an abusive relationship.

Dull you might well be right, we have a lot of trolls on MN, this OP might be one of them. But she might not. Others reading it might not. Good advice given in good faith will help someone reading this thread.

^ I meant the story from Cardigan, sorry..:(

5plusmeandhim. bloody hell The mere thought of using a chemical so caustic around children of any age ,let alone a young toddler, makes me feel kind of sick and faint. Get a bloody grip of yourself. If the thought of using oven cleaner puts you in that state you need help.

She’s already beating herself up about it, she really doesn’t need a bunch of gobshites piling in when what she’s asking about is what she should do because she’s worried her ex is going to keep her DD again.

Dull. Oh right, sorry. God knows. Some of the things the journalists are saying the police are asking makes it seem that way. It’s so easy for them to make it look suspicious.

yeh true, Annie..:(

It is very important in these cases not to attack the other parent to social services, it does you no favours. If everyone is being seen to put the childrens needs first before their own all will be well. Work closely with SS whoever reported it. Their objective is the wellbeing of the child. The more you demonstrate you are putting her needs before your own the better. If there is any cause for them to think she should not see her father they will guide you. It doesnt sound from what you have said that he has done anything to risk her well being

MrsDV and Ani are spot on. There's some absolute idiots on this thread spouting some absolute women shaming nonsense

" spouting some absolute women shaming nonsense " - what? that an accident involving caustic soda to the face of a toddler is serious?
OK, yeh 'woman shaming' whatever.

Dull - yes it's women shaming. Some of you are rather hard of thinking.

I'll have to hide the thread now as there's only so much level of dense I can cope with and I've definitely reached peak thick now