Ex reported me to SS

[littlegrub2]

Looking for some advice please!

My ex and I split over a year ago and we have a 16 month old. He has her 2/3 nights a week and it was all fine. We had a horrible relationship, he was abusive emotionally and still tries to control me now. He is a narcassist.

Anyway fast forward to this week, dd had an accident. It was all so quick, and I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my days 😩 I had left oven trays soaking in bags in ovenbrite, and she reached up and pulled a bag down. I had already washed one tray and was about to do the other, the bag wasn’t fully clothed and it went in her eye and burned her face/arm. Spent 3 days in children’s hospital now.

Her dad stayed with her in hospital because I have other young children (not his.)
Trying to keep this as short as possible! Basically messaged me saying she was staying with him or his parents for the time being because of ‘recent events.’ I went into social work and they told me he’d reported me earlier that day. He doesn’t believe it was an accident and he believes my mental health poses a risk to her (which is bull and he knows it, it’s just a cheap shot).
I managed to get her back. But what do I do now?
Besides being investigated by SS but they were lovely.
Ex partner told them she wasn’t breastfeeding any more when he knows that she is.

I don’t know what he was trying to achieve, what he was thinking and what the hell to do next.

Basically aibu by not handing her over to him? She’s due to go back on Sunday, I haven’t heard from him. I don’t think I’d get her back though. I just can’t believe he has done this and what he possibly did it for. Any ammunition he gets he throws it at me but this has knocked me for six.

Thank you in advance for any advice x

I work in a safeguarding role and have previously worked for the NHS. Professionals are not necessarily obliged to tell parents they are reporting to SS as, in some cases, doing so could place the child at further risk. It is considered good practice though.

Your hospital seriously tells you to inform a parent with an injured child that you are contacting social services?
So a child could be intnetionally injured and you are directed to inform a potential abuser what you are doing?

If you have to you have to but that doesn't fit with other services for children (surely there should be more consistency)

This really irritates me, so because OPsays her ex was abusive that makes it a fact? We just automatically believe this because she is a woman even though none of us know her or ex or anything about the situation?

Similar thing has recently happened to my son, he has a 10 month old baby with ex. They split up, she wanted him back, when that didn’t happen she accuses him of being abusive and tries to stop contact, no proof of any kind of abuse.
Next thing baby has a serious unexplained injury whilst in her care and because of this CSC (children’s social care-not social services, they are not called that anymore!) are involved and until lots of parenting assessments etc are completed, mother is not allowed unsupervised contact with baby therefore baby is now residing with my son and because she still has no explanation for the injury he will probably have to go to court to make it a formal arrangement as he cannot be sure baby is safe with her.

I have no doubt that she will be telling everyone that it was a terrible accident and he is refusing to return baby but he has been advised not to by CSC.

Just trying to point out there is a lot more to all stories than we are aware of and we should not just always believe everything on face value!

Hospitals are meant to tell you when they refer to social services as a unless they think it would put the child or other children at harm. If you don't you have to give your reasons why. While in this case I can't see why they wouldn't the op has said she wasn't there 24/7 due to other children so it's possible they did inform the father of the the referral and he didn't pass the information on.

I wouldn't stop contact with him it will only hurt your child in the long run. I understand accidents happen but he was probably worried, at least ss have checked and know everything is ok and your child is safe, try not to let it worry you because if he stops contact you just ring ss yourself

You wouldn't tell someone you were referring if there was a flight risk or risk of immediate danger but being in a place of safety (hospital) that would not be relevant

I was thinking of you on Sunday, and wondering what you did.

(But not demanding an update, just wondering)

I don't understand why so many people think an accident justifies referral to social services. Social services aren't there to lecture parents about being careful. They are there to support families who need help and, in the most extreme cases, intervene on behalf of the child. How would a one-off accident give anyone concern that the child isn't being looked after adequately? It is a ridiculous overreaction

I don't think the OP should stop contact, but some of these posts are ridiculous.

The accident sounds awful but it's happened, and it was, by what you said, dealt with quickly and with no attempt to hide it. It's worth knowing though that accidents like that are automatically flagged to SS by the hospital. Years back DD split her chin, totally a freak accident and needed it glued. About 3 days later we had a knock on the door and 2 SW asking to discuss what had happened. They spoke to DD to confirm what we said. I was gutted by it and asked why they were there and they told me it was standard procedure for hospitals now.

With regards your ex. He's probably upset, as you would be too. It sounds like quite an emotionally charged relationship to have a young baby and have split with him due to his behaviour. Do you have any form of legal agreement? If not it would be a good idea to get one. Based on this incident and the fact both of you seem fine about using the child to score points (not a dig but an observation based on his behaviour of refusing to give the child back and lying to SS and you saying you would cease his access).
If you have concerns he may take her it sounds like there's nothing legally to stop him but that can be changed and as a result if he threatens to remove her he could be forced to pay for a contact centre for supervised contact.

Do you have any MH issues? If so then you need to show that you are on top of these and are working on getting better with the help of relevant people such as your GP and/or mental health team.
You say you have other children but what is the relationship like with their Father? Has there been any incidents between you which would make SS or your ex concerned?
It all just seems like you have both lost sight of the fact a child is being pulled in both directions and is seemingly used to score points off each other. If that's not sorted soon it will have a terrible affect on them as they get older.

I would cooperate Op and act like he isn’t a narcissist (even if he is) and surprise him .

If needs be send a formal message saying

Just to let you know I have fully cooperates with the SS over this very serious incident and if there is anything further I will let you know
I have also done a lessons learned to ensure an incident of this severity never happens again , and will take a cold eye view of the kitchen safety arrangements
I can also assure you that my MH is good - so no need to worry on that front

I assume that as have SS have no concerns we will continue with the plan as normal - and you will have her XXX as planned . Please confirm

Pengggwn are you daft? If a child has to be taken to hospital with injuries from abuse what do you think they say ‘Oh yeah, I hit him with a chain and threw bleach at him’. Of course they don’t. They say it was an accident. Which is precisely why so many accidents get referred, so SS can verify it was an accident and not abuse.

Whether it was a man woman or undefined, mum, dad, grandparents childminder etc they would deserve to be shamed about being so negligent. The child's safety comes before blindly defend a mother's right to be as careless as she wishes

Seriously? Deserve to be shamed??? After an accident?

Perhaps she should wear a wooden yolk on her neck and be dragged round the village so the pious can pelt her with cabbages?

This week I have read countless posts about a TV presenter who knowingly and wilfully got into a car drunk and placed an innocent child and her parents in danger - and people everywhere are asking for understanding and forgiveness for his MH problems and addictions.

Op I'm sorry to hear this happened, I hope your DD is on the mend.

Parents whose kids have serious accidents feel terrible guilt. No need for shaming. But yes it is perfectly reasonable for questions to be asked to make sure the child is safe.

I think the hospital probably did inform CSC, as it clearly was a serious accident. The ex may have been interviewed and he may have expressed his views about what happened. He was with the DD, so he may have said something negative about the OP's parenting.

It sounds like the SW has listened to both sides and decided that it genuinely was just an accident. I would suggest that in future you use a play pen. I used to put DDs in our travel cot in the kitchen so they could watch what I was doing but be safe.

I would genuinely draw a line now, OP. Your DD is all right, CSC are satisfied, so leave it at that.

Bundlesmads

No, not daft. I just don't think accidents merit social services intervention, at least not when there isn't a pattern. Unless the other parent thinks there is abuse going on, the benefit of the doubt is a more reasonable response.

Thanks anyway.

Pengggwn but that’s another daft response.

Basically what you’re saying is that if children come into hospital with serious injuries that might have been caused by neglect or abuse doctors should just shrug their shoulders and say ‘Oh well, let’s send them home and see if it happens again’.

But if it is abuse, what will the next injury be like? Will they lose limbs? Be brain damaged? Die?

As we’ve seen on this thread SS can make enquiries and establish if a home is suitable and the child is receiving proper care fairly easily. Hospitals can also immediately judge some injuries like broken bones as accidental from appearance only.

But if the OP’s DD had been injured because (for example, I know this didn’t happen) the OP was drunk and left dangerous chemicals about or had deliberately hurt her, they would establish that too. It doesn’t really matter that it didn’t happen. It was a possibility and that possibility needed to be ruled out.

As far as a pattern goes, often it needs referral to SS to establish a pattern because people from several different agencies might be seeing different items of concern but it’s not pulled together by a central agency to see the pattern until SS get involved.

Time after time when children die and there are serious case reviews the issue that injuries were being seen and dismissed.

Bundlesmads

We disagree. You can think I'm daft if you want. I think a social services referral for an accident is daft, unless there is a repeat that points to negligence.

Yep. We disagree. But what I’m describing is best practice and the way they are supposed to do it.

But it wasn't the hospital, it was the ex. He isn't under any policies or 'best practice'. I'm not talking about when you're obligated by the rules of your institution.

Would the hospital have to tell the OP that they made a report to social services? The child's father was there, could they have told him instead?

Accidents happen, obviously. But just because something was an accident, it doesn't absolve the parent from responsibility. There could still be negligence in the home that needs to be addressed to prevent future accidents. Social services doesn't exist to punish people, they really do want to help.

Having said that, this all depends - for me - on whether this was a one-off and what the MH history actually is. Perhaps the ex has reason to be worried.

We don’t know if the hospital reported or not. Even if it was the ex SS had to respond. They’re not stupid, they can root out malicious reports pretty easily. Honestly, I’ve worked there. It’s a case of contact school or nursery, contact GP and HV, home visit. If it’s a genuine accident you usually get responses of ‘no concerns, child at school regularly near and tidy’, ‘parent shows appropriate concern for health but no other unusual injuries’ and you see a clean house and happy well bonded children. Case closed.

But every now and then it does alert to a chaotic home, neglect or abuse. Those children don’t deserve to be overlooked just to save other people inconvenience.

I am not saying anyone deserves to be overlooked. I am saying that a person of average intelligence should be able to tell - without referring to social services - that a child they see very frequently is well looked after. If they are clean, of an appropriate weight, happy in their demeanour, unmarked, nails cut, clothes fit them, developing well, the overwhelming likelihood is that they are loved and cared for. Neglect shows. So, for me, with my non-professional hat on, I would see no reason to report a one-off accident on a 'just in case' basis, because I would have every confidence it was just an accident, if the child showed every other sign of being well looked after. And I think referrals to SS in those cases are almost certainly a waste of time. Theirs, not mine.

Hospitals have no option but to flag anything considered even remotely untoward. It’s a different climate than it was 20 years ago (the amount of fractures and concussions I had from falling off my horse, my poor mum would have had a huge file on her by now!). Double edged sword as the logic behind it is sound, but similarly kids have accidents.

My friend opened a door, not realizing her toddler was behind it and squished his fingers because he had them inbeteeen the door and the frame. Rushed to A&E. Complete freak accident but still had a call from ss. It’s standard protocol.

I don’t know if you’re in uk or Ireland, but if your ex has joint custody Then stopping him from taking the child (if there is a court order in place) could be a criminal matter. If he has access Then (again if there is a court order) it’s a civil matter.

Either which way, you need to have a very good, substantiated reason for withholding the child. If there is no court order in place and you mess around with pre arranged access that has previously worked then you will be making a very big mistake by messing around with that, as if it goes to court it will be raised and believe me- a half decent solicitor will make it look like spite on your part.

I have MH issues and my ex tried that sort of crap with me before. If you are linked in with your doctors and mh services and are on top of things there’s no problem.

I’d recommend seeing your GP/team and letting them know about this. It can’t have been easy at the best of times with your dd being hurt, so get in contact with them.

From a purely pragmatic point it gives your ex nothing to make a point of.

I hope your dd is getting on well, do not allow this to get you down. If ss had concerns your child would not be with you right now. Keep that in mind when you doubt yourself. Chin up!

(But do not confuse his access with your own relationship- you’ll be doing yourself and your daughter a disservice in the long run)

I am not saying anyone deserves to be overlooked. I am saying that a person of average intelligence should be able to tell - without referring to social services - that a child they see very frequently is well looked after. If they are clean, of an appropriate weight, happy in their demeanour, unmarked, nails cut, clothes fit them, developing well, the overwhelming likelihood is that they are loved and cared for.

absolute bollocks, you may be able to tell neglect but abuse you really can not tell. A very upset mother appeared in A&E her child had broken his arm, difficult x-ray which happened to show other healing fractures, following full x-ray there were 14 healing or healed fractures, this child was clean, nicely dressed, well fed, outwardly all appeared well, the mother was articulate and seemed well educated and upset that her child was hurt, the reality was an abused child.

Surely it is better to report incidents rather than have a child with life changing injuries, or worse a dead child, i am happy they do that rather than worry about upsetting people.

It is upsetting and worrying to be questioned when your child has an injury, been there when 3 year old dd broke her leg, I had nothing to hide but still felt anxious when questioned, they were doing their job, ensuring all was well with my child, because some parents are not capable