To not want DD friend to hang around us

[Unforgiving2]

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

I would leave it to the coach to deal with it by calling the girl's parents. It's really sad but it's not your responsibility. After you've done it a couple of times they will get the message.

Does your DD enjoy spending time with her friend otherwise? Do they spend time together outside school?

She has wow, 5 times, Mabey other parents shoukd take a turn then!

I didn't say the OP's DD had to lose out forever on one-on-one time. I said the DD us old enough to understand that supporting your friend through having shit parents is what you do as a friend even if it means having a slightly less ideal version of what you wanted to do. If this is causing such an issue for the DD I'd suggest the OP simply makes more time for her outside of this once-in-six-months-event (this also goes for her 4 siblings).

And again OP would be right to challenge the parents and get in touch with coach (had they been told by the parents the OP would look after her, it would explain her reaction). It's not the OP's responsibility, of course but it would be the kind thing to do for her DD's friend.

This thread reminds of the holidaymakers on Greek Islands during the Syria crisis who complained that the Syrian refugees were spoiling their holiday.

OP you have been very kind. My heart aches for that poor child. What sort of a parent leaves their child to attach themselves to another family rather than spend time with them?

Firstever, you’re a twat.

Bit of an overreaction there firstever the little girls life is not at stake, she just needs to be supervised by an adult, and the perfect adult to do that would be one of her parents.

Translation of MadMags post: I son't have logical arguments, but I do have insults.

Ah, but I can spell.

Rebel The parents aren't stepping up though. You can't force people to be good parents.

Good for you, Mad.

Yes firstever you are being a tTwat. Mabey op dd wants this time with her mother, that is her right. She has done this for 2.5 terms when dies this end, it won't unless dd leaves the activity. Mabey op can do it once in a while, but ever time at the detriment of her dd, no. No her dd is still young, and won't fully understand, and will see it as her mum putting this other girl before her.

I think next week, or after Easter if there is a break in the activity, you need not to stay for lunch there and just go elsewhere after the activity. Continue till it sinks in.

Unlike now where OP's daughter will internalise that being irritated by someone in a bad situation they have no power over is an appropriate reaction.
The DD's position is understandable because she is a child. It's her mother's job to a) teach her compassion and a sense of perspective and b)make her a priority often enough that this once-in-six-month doesn't become the drama it shouldn't be.

[Polishes twat badge]

and the coach is a lay cow - she needs to take the right steps when someone reports that one of the children is left unattended.

No, you can’t force people to be good parents but you can stop enabling them to dodge their responsibilities. At the risk of sounding unfeeling it’s not the op’s responsibility to step up, yes the little girl may be hurt but it’s not the end of the world. Hopefully if the parents are just clueless and not abusive they will step up. I hope the coach has flagged that the parents don’t seem interested in their daughter in case they are abusive.

first, it's not once every six months, 1 every half term, so twice a term, which is a lot.

I think you need the either tell the club to inform the parents that if they are not attending the lunch, or have not agreed with another parent for them to supervise that they need to collect their child at 11.30 as usual. As after 11.30, the children are not under their care.
Or take your daughter somewhere else for lunch.
You can't stay there and not invite her daughter to join, if she is also there, as you have seen.

When we have lunch we all sit at our own tables, so to answer the poster who said what's the difference as she would still be there, the difference is that me and DD would sit at a table alone and chat whereas with the friend there it's different. Also 'friend' is a term I use loosely, they have no other contact away from their group and usually only chat in the changing rooms, they are not close. The only reason I am uncertain about missing the lunch is in the first ten minutes or so while we wait for our food the coach hands out awards to the girls - everyone gets one - most improved, hardest working, most punctual etc.... And so DD would miss that bit of it. Thanks again for all the advice - most of it has made me feel better.

It's one thing to have compassion but another thing to always put others' wants and needs before your own.

I earn a good wage but I don't give most of my money to charity because I keep enough to pay for decent house and heating and food. I see children in my job as a teacher every day who don't have nice or new things and I can see they're jealous of those who have but I don't buy things for them that they're missing out on. I know there must be lonely people living in my road but I'm not spending time with them, I choose to spend time with my DH who suffers with anxiety.

I put myself and my life first sometimes. Do these examples mean that I don't show compassion? Am I doing wrong by not doing all I can to make the people I come into contact with as happy as possible?

Yes, be compassionate. But that does not mean that your own life always has to take second place.

Firstever What you miss in your sanctimonious head in the clouds is that if the OP doesn't pull the rug these parents will carry on behaving this way because they can.

@ Unforgiving In my mind I imagine the coach is young? I would say that this needs reporting to the organizers of the activity and the sports center (I am assuming it's a sport) I would probably point out there is a safeguarding issue here of who is responsible for the child, and an insurance issue who is responsible for the child were something to occur.
As you can see from this thread there can be a number of ways to look at this situation, but it needs someone to manage it, and to be honest to get someone senior to manage it then you need the words safeguarding and insurance.
By writing a letter no one is on the spot looking at the sad face of the girl, or facing the awkward phonecall when they aren't paid enough for that side of things.

I agree with Fanny and also think you need to get the coach to set new rules for the parents, emailed in advance so they have warning or go elsewhere for the lunch time.

I'd contact the parents and be honest about how them not joining their daughter, is spoiling the 1 on 1 time your child used to enjoy with you. Then inform them that the coach insists that she has to be collected before the lunch, therefore missing out because they refuse to participate, if you don't agree to look after their child for them. Don't worry about them being miffed about what you say. They clearly don't give a toss about their behaviour impacting your enjoyment and that of your child. Some people have to have it hammered home.

I really don't think op and her dd missing out on the lunch (which includes awards being presented and is part of the event) is an acceptable solution at all.

Firstever - you are being utterly ridiculous! The child's life not even her safety are at risk here. You are also massively minimising and excusing her parents from THEIR responsibilities.

NOT op's responsibility AT ALL

DEFINITELY NOT the responsibility of op's dd no way should she be missing out EVERY TIME on sharing this event with her mother and ONLY her mother - just as all the other participants do!

Just be honest and tell her that you want to share this time with your daughter only and that this time id special for both of you and unfortunately their daughter won't be able to join you. Be assertive; either the girl or parents are taking the piss off.