To not want DD friend to hang around us

[Unforgiving2]

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

Yes, it's not the parent's responsibility - but that's the very definition of kindness. The child didn't choose to have shit parents. It would be nice if she could count on her friend.
And again, OP and her DD are not unreasonable to want one-on-one time but it's hardly suffering (as a pp put it) when it doesn't happen because you are helping a friend in a bad situation

And again, the parents are at the very least thoughtless and at worst unfit parents. I really hate the "not in my job description" attitude a lot of posters display here.

But firstever, op has already been kind to this girl, and op dd would like time alone with her mum as she has 4 other children, and probably this is the very few times that she can spend with her mum. It cannot carry on indefinitely like it has been,op has to be cruel to be kind. By being kind to this girl and including her, she is enabling the behaviour of the parents. If op had left it to the coach, the coach would have been forced to call them, to come for their dd and take some responsibility.

If it were occasional/one off - that's being kind

FIVE TIMES IN A ROW is treating someone like a mug! (Not a criticism of op)

I thought firstever had some good points.

You honestly think it's fair for one of five children to be expected to be all glowy inside about giving up her one-on-one time with her mum, week in week out, at ten years old? Hell, it would have made me sad at that age and I'm an only child.

Aeroflot, real kindness doesn't come with strings attached or a timeframe when the person in need has no power over the situation.
I'm all for confronting the parents but sadly some parents are simply selfish arseholes.
If this once a term thing isbthe only chance eldest DD has for one-on-one time that's simply not good enough from the op.

Oh come off it! Totally out of line to criticise the op's parenting here!

Actually it's not week in week out, but has been on a special occasion for over 6 months which is as bad.

The child may latch onto you op because she feels safe around you.

For clarity I'm referring to this bit:

The child didn't choose to have shit parents. It would be nice if she could count on her friend.

As it seems to imply that OP and daughter's being kind should make them feel the loss of the one on one time is worth it.

PNGirl, I understand the DD's reaction. It's the OP's job to say: "I know you like our one-to-one time but X's parents are, for whatever reason, not putting her first. While we try to solve this, we are going to be welcoming to X and include her. Hiw about we have a movie night/ pamler session/ roller bladong sessiin in the park next week."
This wpuld teach DD compassion, make hervfeel special amd still let her have some special time with mum.

I am totally amazed by the sheer CF of it all AND then to top it all off you seem to come out as the "bad guy" OP with both the coach and the other girls parents. I'm afraid the only option now is to speak to the CF parents saying "NO, I won't give up my one to one time with MY child anymore to allow you to skive off and not be with YOUR child" And while I understand that you do not want other girl to be left out you are in the meantime saying that others matter more than your child does to your girl. Being a doormat is not a life lesson your daughter needs to be taught.

first op has to put her dd feelings first in this, as she is her responsibility, her child, and her dd does not want it, so it stops. Yes op has been kind, she included the girl and confronted her parents, what other person would do that, not many. Op next time tell coach she is on her own, and that her parents have left her, and he/she will have to contact them to come and get her.

Op has 4 other children, I don't think she has much time on her hands to entertain other people's.

I wouldn’t have it in me to leave her out. I think people are right to suggest that you let the parents know that the girl really would like them there but if they honestly can’t make it then I’d include the girl and make it up to your dd another way. It’s an opportunity to model compassion and empathy to your dd and I doubt very much that this event is the only time each term that you can spend 1:1 time with your child, regardless of how many other dc’s you have. And I say that as the baby if 5 children with a single mother that worked all the hours god sent.

I'd have told the coach to call her parents. This is just going to continue until you stop it.

Yes there's caring and compassion but all op dd will see if her putting another child first and what she wants last

I would speak to the parents do you have their number?

They were already being cheeky you then spoke to them and they send their daughter without money. They are massively taking the piss. Set out what you want to say.

I think the coach reacted badly when put on the spot. I would speak ask to speak to them before the next event. Explain that you have more DC at home and this isn't what your dd wants. The coach should be telling them that they need to attend or pick their dd up early.

Maybe the next event your DH could go to shake things up?

But it’s clear that the op and her daughter don’t want to spend this time with the little girl, I think that’s fair enough, I can’t understand why they’re being made out to be unkind, we’re all entitled to have our own wants and needs.
We all get upset from time to time and unfortunately this little girls parents are putting her in a position where she’s going to be upset, they should be the ones to deal with that. Even if the op carries on as she has been the girl is still going to be upset that her parents didn’t come to spend time with her.

So her dd has to miss out forever more on this, as she has to be kind at her own detriment. Right, suck it up for the greater good. Mabey she could do it once in a while, but not everytime, let other parents include her as well.

OP next time can you not do the 1 on 1 activity and then take your daughter and have lunch elsewhere? Or failing that, as pp said above, I would skip the activity one or two times to make the point.

Let coach handle it, that is what they are there for. What if it wasen't for you op looking out for her and including her like you have.

I think you should use this as a way to teach your DD that selfless acts like including somebody who is more unfortunate is a really nice thing to do.

You can have other special times with her.

Next time I wouldn't stay for the lunch etc and take daughter elsewhere. This way it breaks the routine of people expecting you to do it. The coach will have to then step up and sort it and the parents can't rely on you being there to do it

Still think a ten-year-old giving up something that "means the world" to her every time for five half terms is enough of a lesson in niceness. What about the lesson that it's ok to prioritise what you want once in a while?