To not want DD friend to hang around us

[Unforgiving2]

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

I am wondering if the coach has been told by the parents that you will be with their DD otherwise his actions seem very presumptuous. I agree to emailing him. Be very clear that you have 4 kids and your DD is hoping for the 1-1 time and each time is let down. Explain that you have tried to speak to the parents but they were quite rude. This time he is being given notice so he can have a think what to do about the situation but an email to all parents explaining that children must be supervised or they will go home after the activity and not stay for lunch would be ok wouldn't It?

I wouldn't have gone through with them phoning the parents either so don't beat yourself up. The coach has a month now to do something so hopefully he will sort it. You can follow up next weekend to find out how he is dealing with the situation.

Time to go postal with the coach, who is after all paid to deal with this - unlike you. Tell him you didn't want to make a fuss earlier in front of the children, but that you'd already made it clear to the girl's parents that you would not be supervising their child. He'd put you in an embarrassing situation. Tell him the girl didn't even have money for lunch. Don't say 1:1 time - that'll mean nothing to him. Point out he's not got your up to date DBS and for all he knows you're some axe murderer that he's just insisted look after a child during an activity. Tell him you think that's his responsibility amd of course he should have phoned the girl's parents - that's his job. Not yours.

Well possibly not the last bit but really, you are not the bad guy here.

I agree with Aunt you need to make it totally clear that this child is not your responsibility, and that you do not have any arrangement with the mother to look after her. The responsibility for her is on the coach and the parents, not you. I would tell him, and also e mail them as well. What a shitty mother this poor girl has got.

You need to make it clear with the coach I meant.

" What a shitty mother this poor girl has got."

Mother?-Parents!

Exactly what AuntFidget said. He might be a bit less dismissive if he thinks there's a risk he could be accused of putting a child at risk,

Yes both parents. They see it as a free childcare opportunity. I wonder if they use the time for something they don't want to give up. Most of us would feel appalled if someone else's parent informed us that our DD was sad because we weren't there for her.

Yes both parents, sorry.

You were in the right and the coach should have stepped up to sort it

Time to write an email to whoever is in charge of this activity Op. I think it's utterly appalling from both parents and the coach.
A couple of years ago a boy from ds's school wanted to join a team ds played in. This boy is very naturally talented in almost any sport and the coach was desperate to have him. However the mother is a known CF and told the coach he could only join if someone could take him back and forth. The coach asked dh if we could do it, as the boys were friends. This would have taken us 15/20 minutes out of our way each way twice a week. I have three dcs who do various activities that I drive them to and I really didn't want the commitment. Plus I knew she was just a lazy cow. Dh said no. The coach huffed with us. I don't care. I would have had to live with it.

Fuck me, this thread is depressing to read. This girl is an inconvenience to everyone including her parents and her best friend.
Surely you can see that your DD's reaction (irritated but too polite to say) is pretty unkind and you basically agreeingis incredibly shit. This is not the DD's fault and she will know she is inconveniencing you. Rather than looking after her through gritted teeth every time, why don't you try to find out what exactly is going on with her parents. Because this situation is just odd. Could their DD tell you both be telling you different things? Maybe she's embarassed by ger parents for some reason, likes the fact she gets pudding from you or she genuinely is self-conscious in front in front of her parents but is picking up on your irritation. Could the parents be using this time for an activity of some description. Lack of money? Health issue. Yes, you SHOULDN'T have to do it but anong a shower of shit adults you seem to be possessing if at least some compassion.
And yes, I would say the same, if everyone in this story was male.

firstever whoa whoa op has been more than kind to this girl excuse me, she even tried to talk to her parents, and have included this girl. Your anger should be directed to her shitty parents who don't both with her. This girl is not op responsibility, her responsibility is with her own child fgs, so pull down your judgy pants from your ears.

Op is not a childcare facility for all children who's parents cannot be arsed to stay with their child, what happens if op has to dash off early with her dd or is not there, the child is alone!

firstever that's an aggressive and uncalled for post.

OP I would be feeling the same as you, except I would have been much more straightforward with the parents and told them that they need to E there and it's not fair to their dd. Yes they might be pissed off but I can't bear these kind of things hangjng over me

I agree Tralalee, that post was very aggressive and nasty.

Firstever - yes it's a shame for the child BUT that's not op's responsibility. I think by this point if there were health/financial/logistical reasons the parents couldn't - you know - BE parents op would have said or the parents made this known to op which they apparently haven't.

NO the op's dd is NOT "being unkind" it is perfectly acceptable for her to want some 1 to 1 time ONCE in a HALF TERM.

The people in the wrong here are the girls parents NOT the op or her dd.

Surely you can see that your DD's reaction (irritated but too polite to say) is pretty unkind

No it would be unkind if she did say or if she made the girl feel uncomfortable, it's not unkind to want to spend some time with her mum and be irritated that she can't. Being kind doesn't mean allowing yourself to always come last. Thats the mistake some people make and that's how they get walked all over by unkind people.

First ever I wonder if you have ever been in a similar position.

I'm thinking firstever more likely to be in the girls parents "position"

Of topic here but what does “cf” mean? MissEliza put “her mother was a known cf” in a comment in this thread and I’ve seen it in a few and don’t know what it means so the sentence doesn’t make sense to my old mind lol!

*off topic

Cf = cheeky fucker

Basically people that take advantage of others, especially nice people unlikely to challenge them

I must be pretty hard faced because I would have let the coach call her parents, your DD has got to come first, if she was an only child or 1 of 2 it would be different but as the oldest of 4 this time is really important to her.

The coach and the other girls parents need to take responsibility for the other little girl.

Exactly, that is op time with her dd, this girl, sad though the situation is, not her responsibility. She has already been kind including her with her dd, and trying to talk to this girls parents, who don't want to know. Why should op dd play second fiddle. Anger should primarily be directed at the girls useless parents, and the coach for putting op in an awkward position. I would have said no to the coach, this girl has been left by the parents, so you need to contact them. Really op by including this girl, is enabling the bad behaviour of the parents.