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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with this unfair sleep situation?

157 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 23/03/2018 08:24

Possibly I am as I am very tired.

I've been up at least twice a night since dd was born two years ago. She also tends to get up around 6.30am. I am very tired. In that time DH has never given me a night off or got up at the weekend with the children. He does work full time and I'm a sahm so in some ways I guess it's fair enough but I'm SO TIRED.

In the week I'm up at 6.30am with dd and DH works from home so doesn't get up until 8.30am at the earliest to start work around 9ish. At the weekend I'm up at 6.30am with dd and DH gets up about 10am ish.

As I said he does work full time and I am a sahm so I don't expect him to get up in the week but just occasionally at a weekend it might be nice.

Aibu?

OP posts:
SusanBunch · 23/03/2018 15:49

Energise you are placing the onus for all of this on the OP. She has to TELL him what to do, to look after his own children for short periods to give her a 'break'. She has to tempt him with sex to make him do it. What the fuck? You sound like you are in the 1950s.

He is an adult man. Why is he having kids that he is not looking after at all? I would say to him that he bucks up or we get divorced. No way would I coax him with promises of sex if he does a few little chores for me to supervise.

M2321 · 23/03/2018 15:51

Wether he works or not love this is not right at all, 2 years? You must be drained, for him to not offer or notice is a little worrying too. My partner also works full time at one point had 2 jobs and every sat I got long lie he had Sunday or vice versa. Being a mum is a 24/7 job you more than deserve a rest. Get him told, this weekend is YOUR weekend too have a lie in. Some men just assume the kids are all the mums responsibility it's not girl! Get yourself a break 👍🏼👍🏼💐

ArdnaGreine · 23/03/2018 15:56

Time for you to book a weekend away to catch up on sleep and let him to it. He will appreciate you more when you get back and might have a better relationship with the kids.

InionEile · 23/03/2018 15:56

His job doesn't sound that demanding if he can start it at 9am and works from home. Sounds like he is pulling the wool over your eyes!

When my DS was born until he was about 3, I did all the childcare myself because my DH really did have a demanding job, working 12 hour days and sometimes on weekends and traveling a lot on business too. He also wrote his PhD part-time for about a year during that same period so he was working non-stop. It was exhausting and I was drained and very angry with the situation even though I knew he was working hard.

Our solution was to hire a babysitter one day a week. I know that's not in everyone's budget but if he's not willing to step up with his own time because his job is so 'demanding' Hmm then he should at least contribute financially to you hiring help.

He has to contribute one way or the other - why did he decide to become a father if he wasn't willing to step up? Someone needs to tell him that the role of a dad has expanded beyond more than just paying the bills since the 1950s...

SleepingStandingUp · 23/03/2018 16:08

So sometimes he doesnt see the kids because he has to work away and the rest of the time he doesn't see them because he doesnt want to.
Right.

have a horrid feeling that DH would be very half hearted about getting up with them at the weekend and would encourage them to go and see mummy quite a lot
Sleepover at a friends house so you get a good lee nd he can't?

He wouldn't play with them or make them breakfast or anything
How you be married to a guy who WON'T look after his own kids WON'T even get breakfast if he's up? I don't get it.

How can you have any respect for someone who thinks his 5 minutes of push and thrust are all he should contribute to parenthood?

CritEqual · 23/03/2018 16:13

Not that your own mental well-being isn't important as of course it is, but other posters have covered that in great detail. However have considered the harm all this is doing to your children?

Strong paternal bonding is a huge predictor of the development of empathy and the development of social skills. Not to mention the expectations your children will have of their future relationships based on how they observe you and their father interacting.

If you have sons this will give them expectations that only a tiny percentage of women will put up with and this thread should be proof alone of how few women will put up with it, coupled with a lack of empathy he will struggle to find meaningful and deep relationships with women. If you have daughters you are setting them up wide open to suffer abuse as both you and your husband are projecting the message that women are simply not as important as men are.

Both you and your husband need a course correction quickly or this will all end in tears.

TalkinPeece · 23/03/2018 16:19

Waiting4Sunday
Who cooks the evening meals?
Who fixes lunch ?
Just that its not like he's got a long commute .....

PaddyF0dder · 23/03/2018 16:21

That’s insane.

By way of comparison: I work full time. Wife works part time. We have twin babies and a toddler.

I do the wake ups on Friday night and Tuesday night. That gives wife a lie in once a week, and an intact night in the middle of her work week.

We both get up at 6.15 almost every morning.

This guy is being a selfish ass.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 16:26

Why don't you get a morning of the weekend?

megletthesecond · 23/03/2018 16:28

Yanbu. This is why my ex is an ex. He refused to ever get up in the night. He got arsey enough over a late midnight bedtime when ds was tiddly Hmm.

Assburgers · 23/03/2018 16:36

You need to go to a hotel. For a week.

Shutupanddance1 · 23/03/2018 16:45

I think I’d have murdered my husband if he did this to me - honestly.

I get that you feel like they are 100% your responsibility but it takes two people to make a baby, and takes a village to raise a child.

Fuck him and his lie ins. My husband works 6 days a week and on the day he has off he will frequently want to get up with our DD as well as doing various night wakings during the week. He has a demanding job, and leaves our house at 5.30am every day - he still maintains I’ve it harder being at home.

Your ‘D’h has no respect for you. I’d leave him to it at the weekend, book in to a local b&b/hotel. Fuck em. He clearly doesn’t care about you in this.

Chienrouge · 23/03/2018 16:45

The fact is, however fair or unfair the division of labour is, what sort of man sees their partner exhausted and struggling and does nothing to help? Doesn’t offer a lie in? Doesn’t offer to get up with the kids a few tines in the week?
Certainly not any sort of man I’d like to be married to.

alreadytaken · 23/03/2018 17:11

guilty of not reading all the thread but - I would certainly be too tired for sex with anyone who was acting like this. A man who is not responsive to the needs of his wife - and sleep is a more basic need even than sex - can not expect the same sex life as one who is.

RockinRobinTweets · 23/03/2018 17:13

Absolutely chien. I wouldn’t want their example in the house to my dc either.

Bellamuerte · 23/03/2018 17:13

My DH is the same. He's out 8am-8pm on weekdays (technically finishes at 5pm but chooses to work over every night because he has a heavy workload and wants to progress). He makes dinner and does dishes, then has a couple of hours to himself, while I end up holding the baby all day and all night. He says that's fair because I can nap or have free time during the day when baby sleeps, and he can't (this presumes that baby will actually sleep during the day and I'm not busy).

At weekends I'm stuck with the baby again while he does jobs around the house and he says we can't switch roles because I can't do DIY and he can't breastfeed. I feel like I can't complain because it's not like he's out on a jolly while I babysit, but it's hard to look after a baby 24/7.

MillieMoodle · 23/03/2018 17:18

OP this is crazy. Why are the children 100% your responsibility? He should be sharing the responsibility and helping at night at least some of the time.

I work full time, approx 50 hours a week. I'm a lawyer so it's pretty heavy going sometimes. DH is a SAHD. DSs are 7yo and 18mo. DH generally gets up in the night during the week, I tend to do Friday and Saturday night. We both get up at 6am in the week, although he does the majority of getting them ready, I don't go to work until he's had a shower and got himself sorted. In the evenings we each do a DS bedtime routine and until we go to bed if DS2 wakes, then we take it in turns to go up and settle him. At weekends we usually both get up around the same time but if one of us is particularly tired or is ill then the other takes the DSs downstairs and lets the tired/ill one lie in. I usually sort breakfasts (including for DH) and get them dressed at the weekend.

DH does most of the washing and all of the ironing, I do the menu planning for the week and order the online shop but we share all the other jobs. He tends to do hoovering and tidying and I tend to do clean and sort the rabbit out.

There is absolutely no reason why your DH can't help you. Don't let him get away with not helping anymore. He'll sulk for a bit but he'll get used to it.

FWIW when we were both working full time my DH did nothing and I was permanently stressed out.

TalkinPeece · 23/03/2018 17:23

Bellamuerte
That is tough ... but the OP's lazy husband works from home !!!!!!

OP
Stop cooking food for him.
In fact stop buying food for him.
And stop cleaning his clothes.
Go on strike till he ups his game

C0untDucku1a · 23/03/2018 17:29

Crikey what a shit father he is.

Tbh id go away for a weekend. Otherwise he wont do it. You know that.

RedPandaMama · 23/03/2018 17:36

We had this situation until recently. I had a firm word with DP and told him he had to step up at weekends as I needed a break. Still have to tell him to get up but he's good now and we do a weekend day each while the other has a lie in Smile

MsJuniper · 23/03/2018 17:52

It's not even to do with what's fair or who works hardest, it's to do with him opting out of family life.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/03/2018 17:53

Bellamuerte does your house really require 20-30 hours of DIY every weekend? What happens when you are no longer breastfeeding and he no longer has excuses DIY?

RumAppleGinger · 23/03/2018 17:55

Fuck that.

My DH works full time in a demanding job and has always needed more sleep than me. Pre-children he would often sleep for 14 hours at a weekend if we didn't need to be anywhere. I work part time, do the childcare and keep on top of the house stuff, which he also contributes to.

When we had DS1 8 years ago the agreement was (that unless we had plans/had to be somewhere) he could sleep in on a Saturday, I slept in on a Sunday. The agreed time is 11am. Whoever's turn it is gets up with the kids, stops them from coming up stair, keeps them quiet or takes them out while the other gets some sleep. I don't usually need to sleep to 11am but use the time to go gym or grab a quite coffee and have an hour with a book.

I cannot imagine sharing my life with a man who would be so selfish in this regard. How you have put up with it for this long without murdering him or walking out I have no idea.

Windthebloodybobbinup · 23/03/2018 18:07

I keep hearing this accepted truth that being a SAHP is easier than working full time? Ridiculous, it is completely full on especially with a toddler. Working is easier as you are not constantly being emotionally tested! SAHPs work from the moment they open their eyes till bed time. It’s hard. You need to sleep just as much as your partner as you have significant demands on your time, energy, resilience and patience. When I was chronically sleep deprived I found myself constantly at the end of my tether with my kids, then feeling like a shit parent. It’s horrible. You need to re set this untruth in your relationship.

NFATR · 23/03/2018 18:17

Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.
I'm a sahp right now, with a toddler (and more) and its definitely easier than both my normal full time job and my partners full time job. It's a subjective thing though, so really not for anyone else to say.