To be pissed off with this unfair sleep situation?

[WaitingForSunday17]

Possibly I am as I am very tired.

I've been up at least twice a night since dd was born two years ago. She also tends to get up around 6.30am. I am very tired. In that time DH has never given me a night off or got up at the weekend with the children. He does work full time and I'm a sahm so in some ways I guess it's fair enough but I'm SO TIRED.

In the week I'm up at 6.30am with dd and DH works from home so doesn't get up until 8.30am at the earliest to start work around 9ish. At the weekend I'm up at 6.30am with dd and DH gets up about 10am ish.

As I said he does work full time and I am a sahm so I don't expect him to get up in the week but just occasionally at a weekend it might be nice.

Aibu?

Good fuck, do women actually think like that? That post is offensive on so many levels you need an elevator!

At a bold guess I would say that energise is a man.

He works full time which is 5 days a week. Your full time job - being a SAHP - should be viewed the same way. That means on weekends you share responsibilities and he does a fair share of work with the kids.

I would say the same goes for evenings too - when he isn't at work, he shares parenting.

Neanderthal or not, I'm 100% sure that sex would appear on any man's top 5 list of things they honestly want from a loving relationship, so I think it's important to not only keep this in mind, but to make efforts to give our loved ones everything they need to be happy in a relationship with us, after all, we are only asking for the same thing from them in return... to make us happy in the ways we need to be happy.... and sex is important in maintaining closeness between the majority of partners, and men LOL well men seem to need it at least once a week... I don't think that supplying a man with one of their emotional needs classifies them as a Neanderthal though... it simply implies that you know what they need to maintain happy in a relationship, which is a good thing and shouldn't be made light of :/

Mine has many faults, but he always got up to ours on weekend mornings even though I was a SAHP, I did all night feeds though as they were BF.

I agree with the overwhelming consensus that you are not in a fair situation and hope you can talk to him about it and get changes soon.

Just to add another point (apologies if someone's already said it) but it's not just about what's fair - you're exhausted so he should want to chip in and do more early mornings. Doesn't he realise how much you're suffering? Doesn't he care??

On occasion, I asked DH to do more even though he was arguably already doing a fair amount, because I was struggling. And I'd return the favour at other times.

Wouldn't it be nice if your DH could be kind to you, as well as fair. Sounds like either would make a wonderful change!

It's also important to let you know important information that you are very unlikely to know as most people only find out after it's too late.

Being overly tired all the time can lead to a condition known as CFS/ME... people who get this condition, and it's MUCH more common in women than men, are left bedridden for the rest of their lives, unable to do anything, living no life at all... it's a very sad condition that happens when you keep on pushing your body to do what it's telling you it doesn't want to do... you end up completely draining your batteries and are left with a body that simply doesn't work... the cruellest prison for the mind to live in.

People who get this condition often lose EVERYTHING... job, partner, home etc and are left with no one, so hopefully this bit of information will help somebody avoid pushing their bodies too far.

Quite often all it takes to slip into CFS/ME is to get the flu virus or to get an injury whilst being overly tired, as that is enough to drain the remaining energy from the body, leaving it in a constant state of fatigue from then on.

So please treat your bodies well, and listen to your body when it's telling you you're tired...

Once you have CFS/ME doctors are completely unable to help you, so it's not something you can even pay lots of money to fix.

@Energise4U I'm going to be veering off topic here but couldn't let your post go without comment. I have couple of issues with what you've written.

1. You seem to be suggesting that it's a women's responsibility to supply men with their emotional needs (in this case sex) to keep them happy? To me this seems like you are placing a lot of blame on women's shoulders for not keeping their man happy......this upsets me.

1. You also seem to suggest that men should 'help' out around the house as a way of getting more sex? How about everyone pulls their weight and steps up to the responsibility that comes with having a family. That has nothing to do with sex

1. You seem to suggest that its just men that want sex and women are just catering to their partners emotional needs. Erm what?? I, like many other women, love having sex with my husband and we do it because we enjoy it and fancy the pants of each other. It's not a chore or another job that needs doing!

PS: Energise4U originated from my having successfully found a way to overcome my own CFS/ME after having been bedridden for over 2 years after getting it, and I now feel very passionately about spreading the word about this truly horrible condition that is silently spreading around the world, because hardly anybody knows about it, and most people in the world are living in the ways which directly contribute to them contracting it.

It starts with feeling tired, it then moved onto symptoms of IBS, it then moves onto a dairy/wheat intolerance, and then one day you can be out shopping and suddenly collapse, after which your whole life changes rapidly!

In reality it's the people who live busy lives who are most at risk of getting CFS/ME.

But if you have moved onto the final stages of having a dairy/gluten intolerance then I'd really read into the condition as you are walking very close to the edge, and life with CFS/ME is a truly miserable existence.... imagine being bedridden every day... not able to get out of bed for longer than it takes to go to the toilet, and that's your life from then on.. very sad and millions of people are already suffering like this in silence, locked away in their rooms, nobody seeing them, nobody hearing about them, just gone from society :(

@Blaablaablaa no not at all, I have obviously hit a few nerves choosing to use sex as an example.

My main point was that the workload should be split evenly between both partners, and yes this can definitely be with one person taking up the slack one week for their partner to help them out in a similar way when they are struggling a few weeks later etc.

I was then trying to think of a way of getting what at the time seemed like a man who was reluctant to help out into a better frame of mind, trying to think of a way to make him understand how he could do more to help out in the way that most other loving partners would want to, and then I started thinking that if he's letting her do all the work all the time then she must be knackered, in which case she's probably never in the right mood to want to enjoy having sex with him, and if that was the case then he probably doesn't understand why she's loving him in one of the ways he deems as being important and yada-yada-yada I went off on a tangent that has made several people believe I'm suggesting all the things mentioned in your 3 points.

I never meant to imply that, because in most loving relationships the guy is observant and considerate enough to notice something is wrong and help fix it by helping out more, but if things have been going on like this for a while now and if he's not getting sex, then yes I really do think, as wrong as it sounds, that he needs to understand that the only way to get back to the loving relationship he once had is to help out more, and because it seems like he's not observant enough to see something is wrong at the moment, then he's also likely going to need to be told very directly and bluntly what's going on in a way that he understands.... and if he is feeling unloved because of lack of sex, then an important part in making him understand is going to be in letting him know how her feeling s tired all the time and him not helping out is having an impact on their sex life, because not being very observant he probably hasn't cottoned onto the reasons behind this.

So as distasteful as it sounds, I hope I've explained myself a little more clearly? (I was trying to keep my words short LOL, but tend to think in very long drawn out sentances that are often cut short by character limits hehe)

He does work a lot of hours I guess. Some weeks he is actually away - maybe one week in every six he is away Monday - Friday. Although he is then in a hotel so still gets to sleep but it is tiring travelling.

Dd is often awake around midnight and then again around 4am ish. Ds - even though he is 8 - is wet in the night at least one night out of 7 too so I'm up changing sheets some nights too. He does have some additional needs.

DH has never once got up with either child since they were born so I've been sleep deprived for a very long time. The problem is because I do everything for the children they tend to want me. I have a horrid feeling that DH would be very half hearted about getting up with them at the weekend and would encourage them to go and see mummy quite a lot. Thus I suspect I would end up with both kids in bed with me and then getting up anyway. He wouldn't play with them or make them breakfast or anything. He would put the tv on and leave them to it.

The children are 100% my responsibility.

Then it’s time for some time away and to tell your selfish husband to buck up.

I know the sleep deprivation. I still have it now. My DH is still nagging me to go away for a long weekend for the first time in age which I’ve now booked. He will deal with animals and kids. The difference I can only see is that he is willing to even though he loves his sleep.

I can’t work out why he had children. They seem to be yours, not his. Does he do anything with them?

I couldn't remain married to someone like that op.

I still think you have a very simplistic, generalised view of men ( and women) What you are essentially saying is that men should contribute more fairly to parenting and household tasks because they might get more sex!! and you're saying that women would be more likely to supply a man with his emotional needs ( in your eyes ,sex) if their husbands 'help' out a bit a home.

Where does this end? 'But honey i tided up the living room so i insist you give me a blow job'

How about (some) men stop being lazy f*ckers and step up to their responsibilities and treat their partners with bit more respect

@WaitingForSunday17

I hope DH understands that his job is not only to provide financial support whilst you are taking a career break to be a SAHP, but that it is also to provide all the love and support that most other loving husbands and fathers give to both their children and their wives.

A perfect way for him to understand what your life is like would be for you to go and stay with friends for a week the next time he has a week off, and leave him with the kids and a list of all the chores that you normally do for him to be getting on with. In some instances this is the only way some men will gain a proper understanding of just how 24/7 a SAHP's life is actually like. And be strong willed... stay the whole week at your friends, and tell both your and his parents NOT to help out during that week!!

PS: Sitting children in front of the TV is not stimulating enough for their minds. They need to be baking, doing art, playing by themselves, playing with other children, running around outside, reading, practicing numbers and tidying away etc to become proper rounded people who will grow to be successful adults later in life, which I know you're aware of, but which if your DH does not understand then he really needs to grow up and learn!

Sorry but it makes me angry when I hear of parents not looking after their children properly. Being a parent is bloody hard work if done properly, and more people need to understand this before deciding to have what end up being glorified dogs for some :(

I'm sorry OP he is being massively unfair on you. It seems like he has convinced you that he has a tough job...and oh the poor guy travels!! to a hotel where his food is cooked for him, his bed is made and he get uninterrupted sleep!

He needs to be getting up with the children at least one morning in the weekend. He needs to stop them coming up to you until you are ready to get up and he needs to make them breakfast. That is the absolute bare minimum.
Have you had a break at all since you had kids? Do you get to see friends? go out for a drink etc?

Reading Energise4U's 'helpful posts and feeling chilled to my very core

@Blaablaablaa If you still believe that's what I mean then I understand your frustration toward me, but honestly I was simply trying to make a point and chose the wrong topic, (sex) to do that with.

To flip the coin on it's head though, and hopefully shine a light on the potential subject, if your husband said he was tired from work and chose to never have sex with you, then how would this make you feel after 2 weeks... 1 month... 3 months... 6 months etc. If you eventually didn't start becoming emotionally detached from him and didn't stop helping him out so much then I think you are in the minority of people, because to most people sex is a strong part of maintaining a healthy relationship.

What I was trying to imply was that maybe DH doesn't realise he's being a rubbish husband by not helping out like plenty of other supporting husbands do, and if that was the case and his wife was so tired that she just didn't feel like having sex with him, then suddenly you have a situation where in his mind she's not loving him the way he wants to be loved and he thinks he's don't nothing wrong, and she's in a situation where she thinks he's not loving her the way she wants to be loved and she thinks she's done nothing wrong.

The best way out of this catch-22 situation is for both of them to fully understand what the other person is feeling and what they want from the relationship to be happy etc... and this is where I made the seemingly fatal mistake of choosing sex as the topic of conversation where there were several other topics I could have chosen to use instead.

But that being said, sex is still a very important part of maintaining a healthy relationship, and I am sure you, as well as everyone else who is in a happy relationship realises this.

OP, you're married to a cock. But part of you believes that he's right so nothing will change.

I work. I travel up to a week at a time, working 60-70 hour weeks, living in hotels more frequently than your DH. The day I get home, often at about 1am because of flights, I am up at 6am and spend time with my lovely DD because she's missed me and DH needs a break. I suspect your DH thinks it's different because he is owns a penis.

Have I missed something? where does op say they're not having sex?

@Energise4U but the OP hasn't mentioned sex you're making some huge assumptions there.
Your other analogy regarding the tired husband has nothing to do with the original issue and is very confusing. In what way would I be helping him out? Nobody has suggested that sex isn't an important part of a relationship. That's not the issue here.

Oh and please stop referring to husbands 'helping' their tired wives. It's not helping if they are your children and you live in the house!

WHY?!

You're both home so get up every other day. This isn't complicated.

Night wakings is a different kettle of fish at her age but still shouldn't be down to you alone. Fair enough if he was driving for a living but there is actually no reason for either of you to be tired.

@kaytee87 only Energise4U mentioned sex. He has some very antiquated ideas about how relationships work!

You’re on 24/7, you don’t get a sick day when you’re ill. Did you have the children by some miracle and he wasn’t involved? I don’t get how he can’t put in help of raising the child you had together and sharing the home duties.
Also, if you weren’t there, he’d still have the house work and errands, so that work bit will never be a valid excuse.
Nope.