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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with this unfair sleep situation?

157 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 23/03/2018 08:24

Possibly I am as I am very tired.

I've been up at least twice a night since dd was born two years ago. She also tends to get up around 6.30am. I am very tired. In that time DH has never given me a night off or got up at the weekend with the children. He does work full time and I'm a sahm so in some ways I guess it's fair enough but I'm SO TIRED.

In the week I'm up at 6.30am with dd and DH works from home so doesn't get up until 8.30am at the earliest to start work around 9ish. At the weekend I'm up at 6.30am with dd and DH gets up about 10am ish.

As I said he does work full time and I am a sahm so I don't expect him to get up in the week but just occasionally at a weekend it might be nice.

Aibu?

OP posts:
steppemum · 23/03/2018 09:03

well,

  1. most working people don't get a lie in until 8:30 on a workign day
  2. My dh helps me beofre he leaves for work and after work, so if he is leaving at 8, he works with me to kick kids out fo bed, and feed cat etc, at the same time as getting ready for work. These are thigns which need doign AS A FAMILY in the mornings. Time your dh stepped up to helping with breakfast ect.
  3. You do 7 early mornings and he does....well I was going to say 5, but he never really does an early morning does he? There is no reason at all why he shouldn't get up at 6:30 one weekday too, and let you get up at 8:30 for a 9am start.
  4. We sorted it like this - each person had one child free, as long as we like lie in at weekends. I usually got saturday, as soon as first child appeared in our door way dh got out of bed (he was occasionally pushed out of bed) and got up with kids. Our bedroom door was firmly shut. It saved my sanity.

His job may be hard. But your job is also hard, it is 24/7 and all through the night. So while you may potter along on some days, it is hard because it is physically relentless and emotionally draining.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 23/03/2018 09:03

That's an absolute piss take. If he gets a lie-in on Saturday morning then he needs to at least be getting up with her overnight Saturday and giving you a lie in Sunday morning. He is effectively getting two full days off work and you get none - totally unfair. And it's not true to say his work is more demanding than yours - he's working 9-5 and you are working 12-13 hour shift and then waking through the night to 'work' again. It would only be understandable if his work hours were 6.30am - 7.00pm 7 days a week with overnight calls to contend with as well.

letsdolunch321 · 23/03/2018 09:04

What a selfish man he is!!!!

The very least he should be doing is giving you a lay in either Sat/Sun and one day during the week he should get up with your dd.

This was one of the reasons I have a exh - some much resentment was caused through my exh thinking ut was his right to do what he wanted regards child care.

JaneEyre70 · 23/03/2018 09:05

He's doing it because you're letting him.

And you really need to sort your DDs sleep issues out, no 2 year old should be waking twice a night. Talk to your HV to get some help and support. No wonder you are exhausted.

soupforbrains · 23/03/2018 09:06

This is ridiculous. Unfortunately it's going to be harder for you to get him to accept change because you've let this happen for 2 years.

But personally I would say that AS A MINIMUM He should be getting up in the night on Friday and Saturday nights (as he doesn't have to work following those nights) AND that he should be the one up at 6:30 with your daughter at least one of the days at the weekend.

If he was my partner I'd be expecting him to do one of the getting up at night's every night and to share the early starts 50/50. I would also expect him to be doing 50% of housework/cooking/childcare generally.

bluechameleon · 23/03/2018 09:08

I'm on maternity leave and breastfeeding so I do all night waking with DS2. DH does all night wakings with DS1 (3.5), which is sometimes nothing but can be few times if he is poorly. He will get up with DS1 in the morning if DS2 and I are asleep and delay waking me until he leaves for work. At least a couple of times a week he will take DS2 when he has fallen asleep and stay up until 12 or 1 so I can get some extra sleep. And we have one lie in each at the weekend. He does all this because he is their parent too. Also because he loves me and values me.

HumpHumpWhale · 23/03/2018 09:10

When I was getting up multiple times in the night, DH ALWAYS got up from half 6 with whichever kid was up first. He let me sleep until 8.00 or later if it had been a particularly bad night, and then went to work. On weekends I virtually always had a longer lie in. Since I've been back at work (I had 4 years out) and the kids are finally both sleeping, we take it in turns to get up with the early riser. That's the same on my days with the kids as my days at the office, and we each get one lie in at the weekend. We're both tired, tbh. But we're also both parents.

HumpHumpWhale · 23/03/2018 09:12

Basically while we're both in the house, everything except cooking is 50:50. (He's not a good cook and I like it.) When he's at work and I'm not, he's 100% work, I'm 100% kids. And vice versa.

Figmentofimagination · 23/03/2018 09:22

YANBU! It's his child as well, so he should share looking after your DD when he is home. He should let you at least have 1 lie in a week.
My DH is a courier driver, is up at 4:15am weekdays. I'm a SAHM. Every weekday when he gets home he takes over from me looking after DS (10mo). He will do all the nappy changes, feed him tea, get him ready for bottle and bed and read him stories. I then will cook, do odd jobs and get to shower in peace. I do the nights during the week as DH goes to bed at 9 and I want to make sure he isn't too tired when he is driving 10 hours a day for work. At weekends I still do nights but that's because I wake first. But we each get a lie in. Even if I don't get back to sleep I enjoy that time as it is my time to relax, read a book etc. DH doesn't mind getting up with DS on Saturday morning as he enjoys their time together. When DS was feeding 3 times a night when he was younger I got both lie ins at weekend.

LadyLapsang · 23/03/2018 09:28

At the very, very minimum he should get up early on one weekend morning, pref. both. He should also get up in the night. I would suggest going away for a long weekend, it's a good way to help him understand a little of how much the relentless disturbed nights and early mornings take it out of you.

Viviennemary · 23/03/2018 09:28

I do think you should get a lie in once a week. This never ending argument of SAHM's never getting a break is always being brought up. OP's DH behaves in what is deemed to be a selfish way then everyone piles in and says oh My DH works 90 hours a week does most of the housework and gets up at weekends. It gets a bit tedious after a while.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/03/2018 09:31

He has a selfish attitude to it. Why should he get all the lie ins?

NFATR · 23/03/2018 09:35

Demanding job? He works from home, gets up late, has weekends and evenings off....he has as demanding as job as my left butt cheek.

My partner works shifts, inc nights, 55 hours a week, in an actually demanding job. He still gets up with his own children.

Justanotherzombie · 23/03/2018 09:36

What the actual fuck! Selfish prick. How can he lie there every day knowing you're exhausted and never getting a break.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/03/2018 09:37

His job is more demanding than mine

Erm, doesn't sound like it. His sounds like a doddle in comparison to looking after a toddler from 6.30am which he snoozes in bed.

How have you even got into this situation? He is a lazy, selfish bastard and should be helping you out more, let alone giving you a lie in ONE DAY a week...

Have you talked to him about this before? How does he react? How is the rest of your relationship generally? Does he leave all the housework to you too?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/03/2018 09:37

*while not which!

MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/03/2018 09:37

Fuck that for a game of darts. Why would you let that happen? Why do you not say "it's your turn to get up" and then roll back over? My dh has one of these 'demanding' jobs. But he also has 4 demanding dc which were his choice. He has went in and operated on people after being up in the night with kids whilst I was with some of the others or on night duty and guess what, everyone survived because as well as being a surgeon he's a parent and has no choice. His sleep time is no more important than mine. Just dont get out of bed at the weekend op. Honestly you can't let this continue.

WaxOnFeckOff · 23/03/2018 09:38

Dh was a stay at home parent. I was going out to work so was up early and would see to the boys if they were awake while I was up and about and then wake DH before I left around 7am. If they were still asleep I just left everyone to it. Weekends, unless there was a reason we both needed to be up, then we'd take a morning each for a longer sleep.

I think that is fair.

You need to make it clear to your DH that it's his turn. he sounds lazy tbh regardless of how hard his job is I don't think one lie in a week is a big ask.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/03/2018 09:45

Unless he is doing brain surgery on the kitchen table I question how demanding a job is if he can get up at 8.30 to start working from home at 9am.
I get up at 6.30am leave the house at 7.40am and last night I got home at 8.15pm. DH works part time from home. Our youngest is still an early riser and we take it in turns on the weekend to have a lie in.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/03/2018 09:49

What demanding job is he doing from home that doesn't start until 9?

Unless it's alligator training, it doesn't compare to bringing up a child.

DragonMummy1418 · 23/03/2018 10:01

DH and I have 1 lie in a week, each of us get up early on one weekend day to let the other lie in.
Just fair.

Gennz18 · 23/03/2018 10:02

OP is this a wind up or has your brain turned to mush through sleep deprivation?

How could you POSSIBLY think his behaviour is reasonable?!

BennyTheBall · 23/03/2018 10:03

My dh insisted I lie in both weekend mornings when ours were small and he took them out so the house was quiet.

Your dh sounds really selfish, OP.

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/03/2018 10:05

his job is more demanding it’s just different. Not comparable.

My DH does Sunday so we split the weekend, then we’re working six days each. Seems fair!

kaytee87 · 23/03/2018 10:08

It is not fair enough at all. You should alternate lie ins at the weekend and unless he's a brain surgeon or pilot then he can get up a couple of times during the week.
If he knows how tired you are and doesn't care enough to help remedy that then he doesn't love you.