To consider going against my own strongly held beliefs about getting married before having children

[KirstenRaymonde]

Have name changed as I’m usually woefully sloppy with giving out identifying details about myself, and am a known MNetter in real life, so thought I’d make an attempt at privacy for this. Sorry in advance but this will likely be long.

I have always felt very strongly that I wanted to be married before having children. No judgment on whatever anyone else chooses to do, and I know often the decision is taken out of people’s hands anyway, but I’ve alays felt I wanted to be absolutely committed to someone before deciding to bring a child into the world with them on purpose. Plus the legal protection of marriage plays into my reasoning in no small part. I’ve been 100% sure I will get married before trying for kids for as long as I could possibly have been thinking about such things, it’s never been in doubt for me (and actually I’d have considered it a deal breaker if a partner hadn’t agreed to it)

I am 30, DP is 28 and we’ve been together for 6 years. We are very settled and happy together, he’s a fantastic partner and my best friend. We’ve decided we want to get married, and have been talking about when to have children. We’ve been talking about it for a couple of years actually, but turning 30 ramped it up for me.

We were looking at getting married next year, but even trying to do a wedding on the cheap (big stately home do’s are not us) it was still getting expensive very quickly. We are lucky to have lots of friends and family we really love and would want to share the day with. I tried to cut our potential invite list down to the absolute bare minimum and still couldn’t get it below 70, not including kids. This is a lovely problem to have but it does add up the costs even just in food and drink. I considered briefly eloping or doing it just with immediate family and best friends (which would still take us beyond....30 or 40 people at least!) but I just couldn’t do it, I want the people I love there. So we’ve decided to marry instead in 2020, on a date that’s significant to us and I think worth waiting for, and enables us to save for the wedding we want. I am happy with this decision after a couple of months of worrying how to make it all work, and the pressure of figuring out how to sort it in that time has just gone. But of course this pushes back TTC by at least a year if not more, date is about 2.5 years from now.

So now I’m thinking, why don’t we just try for a baby now? There seem lots of very good reasons to just go for it, and try to have a baby before the wedding. But I’m really going back and forth on myself. DP knows how I’ve always felt about being married first and had agreed with what made me happy, but he doesn’t feel so strongly about it so wants me to be sure of my feelings.

My good reasons include:

• I know 30 isn’t old, and I’ve no reason to doubt my fertility, but I’m conscious that having your kids younger is generally better for health reasons. I also recently had some cervical cell changes discovered at a smear (it’s fine for now but they’re being monitored as early stage at risk) and the thought that I could put off and put off trying, and then have the choice taken away from me by something like cancer feels me with such deep dread.
• DP has a medical condition which could impact sperm motility. It’s not for sure, and potentially a low risk, but should it be the case it could take us longer to conceive and I think we should consider that. At the moment time and age are on our side.
• Our relationship is wonderful and solid. I know I have a true partner in DP, he won’t be ‘babysitting’ his own kids, and he doesn’t ‘help me with the house’, he does his perfect fair share of our life together (if not more at times). He is fair and patient. I can completely rely on him. Marriage would solidify that legally but I don’t have any fears about him leaving or his skills as a parent. He is already a wonderful uncle, in fact he’s probably more child friendly than I am, and ‘Dad’ to our cats. I know he will care for and support me and any children amazingly, whether we’re already married or not.
• My DDad died very suddenly, young, recently. Both my grandfathers also died young, I didn’t know them. It has brought mine and my other loved ones mortality into focus (unsurprisingly) and I want to make sure my kids know my DM and DPs wonderful parents, who are all already brilliant and involved GPs, and have them around in all our lives for as long as possible. DM is on heart medication and hopefully will live another 30 years, but her DM died when she was 33, and I know she’s always felt her absence in hers and is children’s lives. The longer we wait the less potential time I see.
• I am close to my siblings and cousins and want my DCs to have that opportunity too. Our sibling’s children are already appearing and I’d love them all to be close in age.
• We live amongst a great support network of friends and family we can rely on, emotionally and physically. We are very lucky in this regard.
• Financially we are just about fine. Could always be better of course, but DP is on an upwards trajectory and even as we are now living costs including childcare would be fine. We don’t own our house, but we live near London and prices are nuts. If we waited to own we could be waiting a long time!

So yes, many ticks in the yes box! But what about some cons?

• We have some debt. Not crazy but needs dealing with, any decision to TTC would have to be accompanied by heavy duty knuckling down to saving and debt repayment, but I think knowing why we were working hard to do that quickly would make it easier.

But number one negative - I fear I will always judge myself for not waiting, for going against my own beliefs that I’ve always held so highly. I’m not worried about anyone else’s thoughts, I don’t think it would bother anyone else at all which way round we did it, but it might well bother me, and I’d hate to have that niggling regret in the back of my mind - I guess that I didn’t meet my own standards for want of a better term.

But I’m conscious that anything can always happen, we can’t plan life to a tee and sometimes maybe we just need to go for it? I am a worrier and do always feel like I need to be in control of ‘the plan’ but recent events have shown me sometimes you really can’t plan.

Fully prepared to be told I’m being utterly ridiculous, but after rolling this around in my head gettings nowhere for a few weeks I thought I’d present it to the wonders of MN and see what you all thought.

So, if you made it this far, thanks! Would be grateful for any advice.

What about a legal marriage soon, TTC and then combine church wedding with christening/baptism/whatever in a couple of years?

OP to be honest I think you are putting your life on hold for something very superficial. It was important to DH and I to have a church wedding - we are Catholic - and we arranged our wedding in about 9 months. All the Saturdays were booked so we married on a Friday in early June. If there is a will there is a way. We were pretty penniless 27 yr olds with debt from grad school and have been married 21 years with 3 kids. If you talk to your extended family I bet you could all pull together to find a way to get a reception you would be happy with. Ours was on a budget and a few of our friends said it was the most enjoyable wedding they had been to.

Just get married and have kids, it's what you clearly want. Waiting for a "special" day or year on the calender is frankly immature and childish. Once you have a real child you won't care about any of that guff.

Get your health sorted before ttc. Hormones affect your condition.
If you have child and one of you dies what are implications if not married? Nok can be partner if you choose, even if not marred btw.

Honesty, I’d ttc asap and get married asap too. I appreciate that you want a church wedding, but I’d also make sure you have the legal protections of marriage before having a baby. Remember you have 8 months from actually conceiving to sort things out! Personally I would get the legal bit done for the legal protection, then arrange a lovely church blessing with a party afterwards when finances allow.

I lost my mum 6 months before I conceived my twins. We’d already been married for years but I couldn’t try for medical reasons. Had I been waiting for something completely unnecessary and that had deprived them of having my mum in their life, I’m not sure I’d ever have forgiven myself.

Thanks all. I think the upshot is I do want to get married first, but in that case need to find a way to do it cheaper and quicker, because I also don’t want to wait too long. Date I wanted is important, but not more important than everything else. Wedding with everyone there is also important, but I’m sure there will be a way to get that cost down. Will discuss with DP.

OP we had friends who did a wedding for 300 on a shoestring. Village hall, they decorated (balloons, ribbons, tea lights / fairy lights). Massive curry the groom pre-prepared the spices for. Asked a couple of mates to cook in the hall kitchen. Naan breads. Some guests were asked to bring a dessert for 8-10 or a salad - they knew who were the people to ask for whom baking something was low key and easy. Groups of older teenagers / students etc were asked to serve food (were part of the church, so broad age range of guests). Paid bar but self run sale or return, just beer / wine / soft, so cheap compared to pub prices.

Cost a fraction of what you seem to be suggesting and was one of the most delightful weddings. It was all about their relationships in the widest sense.

The wedding is the beginning of a marriage. Having a baby is the beginning of raising a child. If a church wedding before children is a deeply held value for you, shelving it to have the baby is an interesting way of starting to raise a child - they ultimately are raised in the context of your values, convictions and priorities.

@Missingstreetlife I’m currently perfectly healthy, but this dodgy smear has made me more cautious about the future.

You can get married locally for around £50 with 2 witnesses. Mr friends cousin did it recently. No fuss, but legally married.

If marriage is that important to you, then do that, and aim for wedding party in a couple of years. If it’s the marriage itself that’s important then you don’t need the big do now.

I got married in a registry office and then had a fancy do later. It was absolutely critical to me to be married before children because of the legal protection. That was my deal breaker, no marriage, no kids.

Only you made this ‘rule’ so you can break it.

Do what feels right.

I have a friend who did the baptism of the children and wedding all together, it was ace. I had a small wedding when pregnant (not showing).

I would push forward the wedding if you want to be wed before babies. It's the obvious thing to do. Once you have a baby, and are impoverished through mat pay/stressed with tiny baby, a wedding in a year's time will seem less doable. A few years down the line is more realistic.

I haven't read the full thread and I'm sure this has been mentioned but do you want to 'get married' or do you want 'a wedding?' Two very different things in my book.

My family are religious and didn't agree with sex before marriage let alone babies. They knew we were doing it but so long as not under their roof, no problem. DH and I didn't live together until we got married and didn't have DS until married. I probably would have lived together but I didn't to keep everyone happy. I wouldn't have had kids though. Just a personal choice.

I really wanted to be married first. For security more than anything.

I waited ages for a proposal. But the build up was so lovely. The excitement of the wedding day and the honeymoon. I really value these special memories. There is no way they would have been so 'enjoyable' with a small child/being sleep deprived.

I'm sure it's very special having children at your wedding. But it's also really lovely enjoying it all and having time to go to the spa, have your nails done, hen nights without worrying about poorly babies and leaky boobs!

Just another viewpoint, but I'm so glad we enjoyed it as a couple without having to worry about little ones. I really treasure that special 'together time' now that we are in the long weary days of young children.

I know I have a true partner in DP, he won’t be ‘babysitting’ his own kids, and he doesn’t ‘help me with the house’, he does his perfect fair share of our life together. He is fair and patient. I can completely rely on him. Marriage would solidify that legally but I don’t have any fears about him leaving or his skills as a parent. I know he will care for and support me and any children amazingly, whether we’re already married or not.

Your DP sounds lovely but women are constantly posting on here about their DPs doing nothing in the way of housework or childcare after the child is born, being thrown out of the house with the child/ren, or their DP having an affair and leaving to live with the OW, some not paying maintenance, some refusing to see the child, etc.

How many of those women thought as you do? How many thought they could trust and rely on their DP? How many thought their DP would support and care for them come what may? I'm guessing a very large number.

It sounds like the wedding is more important than being married to you - I hope you manage to work it out.

Any potential saving over the next few years for a wedding will likely be eaten up by Nursery fees for the baby.

First and foremost clear those debts, once you have a baby you may never clear them. Second either the baby or the wedding but either way it needs to be a cheap wedding, with immediate family only. That's is the only way to have it all.

Personally I would do debts-cheap wedding-baby

Oh....I did, 24 years ago.

OP a few posts back you mentioned something about DPs inheritance and not wanting to think of his lovely parents dying. I hope you’re not factoring in inheritance as a contribution for a house purchase or even as a future lump sum - you have no idea what may happen in the future; it could all go on care costs for example. Just saying

Being married isn't a golden ticket to lifelong happiness and security, and grants you few benefits as a mother that a will and life insurance wouldn't deal with. Inheritance tax only becomes a problem if one of you dies with assets worth more than £325k, and you don't own your house and it doesn't sound like you have savings, so....

On the subject of OP not being wadded, one great big fuckoff benefit that marriage gives her as a mother is Bereavement Support Payment in the event of her DP dying. You can have life insurance as well as this, and if they don't have assets then the will isn't especially relevant.

You can do a church wedding quickly and cheaply. The picture-perfect churches get booked very quickly, but there are usually others that are less popular for weddings but still perfectly fine, with more availability.

Sorry for your loss. I can see that the loss of a parent would make you want to start a family sooner rather than later.

FWIW I think you should get married ASAP, have a “wedding” if it’s important to you and you can keep the costs down. I think PPs have made some good suggestions, for example hiring a church/community/village hall and keeping the food, drink, decorations and entertainment as simple and inexpensive as possible. Perhaps you could look into date and venue options, then tell your PILs what you’re planning, and if they offer to contribute it’s a bonus, but it they don’t it will still be something you can afford.

You still have time to TTC and I think it would be wise to wait until you’re married and have paid off your debts, but only if you can do that within the next year or so. I certainly wouldn’t wait until a sentimental date in 2020. Out of all the considerations you’ve mentioned I think that’s least important tbh.

@AvonCallingBarksdale no we’re not really factoring it in. Long term financial plan is a lottery win! But in seriousness, it’s likely they will gift us money before inheritance as more tax efficient. PILs very very wealthy. But at the moment our plan is ‘save and hope for the best’. Damn south east house prices. If it wasn’t for the fanastic support we have here (invaluable) we’d move further away. We tried relocating but came back because we missed it too much here.

It sounds like you're selling it to us so we say go for it.

I am on the married before DC bandwagon and in your situation I'd elope. I really don't care about big weddings. To me being married before DC is more important than not, but it sounds like it might not be as important to you as you thought. That's OK, but it's your decision. Don't listen to people on the internet. Make your own decision because it's your life and you are answerable to yourself.

My church wedding cost £145, it can be done cheaply if you want. Helps if you actually attend church though.

“PILs very very wealthy.”

What is your partner’s relationship with his parents like? If they have a good relationship, and no hang ups about discussing money, maybe he should just have a conversation with them. Given that your father recently died and you’re thinking about life plans, I don’t think it would be cheeky or inappropriate for him to say that you would like to get married and TTC very soon, and to ask what their intentions are with regards to financial support (if he doesn’t want to ask for it outright). Others might disagree but I think there’s no harm in bringing it up if you choose your wording carefully and make it clear you don’t feel entitled and would understand if it was a no.

In your position I'd have absolutely no doubt what to do.
Book a registry office wedding and start TTC tonight.