To consider going against my own strongly held beliefs about getting married before having children

[KirstenRaymonde]

Have name changed as I’m usually woefully sloppy with giving out identifying details about myself, and am a known MNetter in real life, so thought I’d make an attempt at privacy for this. Sorry in advance but this will likely be long.

I have always felt very strongly that I wanted to be married before having children. No judgment on whatever anyone else chooses to do, and I know often the decision is taken out of people’s hands anyway, but I’ve alays felt I wanted to be absolutely committed to someone before deciding to bring a child into the world with them on purpose. Plus the legal protection of marriage plays into my reasoning in no small part. I’ve been 100% sure I will get married before trying for kids for as long as I could possibly have been thinking about such things, it’s never been in doubt for me (and actually I’d have considered it a deal breaker if a partner hadn’t agreed to it)

I am 30, DP is 28 and we’ve been together for 6 years. We are very settled and happy together, he’s a fantastic partner and my best friend. We’ve decided we want to get married, and have been talking about when to have children. We’ve been talking about it for a couple of years actually, but turning 30 ramped it up for me.

We were looking at getting married next year, but even trying to do a wedding on the cheap (big stately home do’s are not us) it was still getting expensive very quickly. We are lucky to have lots of friends and family we really love and would want to share the day with. I tried to cut our potential invite list down to the absolute bare minimum and still couldn’t get it below 70, not including kids. This is a lovely problem to have but it does add up the costs even just in food and drink. I considered briefly eloping or doing it just with immediate family and best friends (which would still take us beyond....30 or 40 people at least!) but I just couldn’t do it, I want the people I love there. So we’ve decided to marry instead in 2020, on a date that’s significant to us and I think worth waiting for, and enables us to save for the wedding we want. I am happy with this decision after a couple of months of worrying how to make it all work, and the pressure of figuring out how to sort it in that time has just gone. But of course this pushes back TTC by at least a year if not more, date is about 2.5 years from now.

So now I’m thinking, why don’t we just try for a baby now? There seem lots of very good reasons to just go for it, and try to have a baby before the wedding. But I’m really going back and forth on myself. DP knows how I’ve always felt about being married first and had agreed with what made me happy, but he doesn’t feel so strongly about it so wants me to be sure of my feelings.

My good reasons include:

• I know 30 isn’t old, and I’ve no reason to doubt my fertility, but I’m conscious that having your kids younger is generally better for health reasons. I also recently had some cervical cell changes discovered at a smear (it’s fine for now but they’re being monitored as early stage at risk) and the thought that I could put off and put off trying, and then have the choice taken away from me by something like cancer feels me with such deep dread.
• DP has a medical condition which could impact sperm motility. It’s not for sure, and potentially a low risk, but should it be the case it could take us longer to conceive and I think we should consider that. At the moment time and age are on our side.
• Our relationship is wonderful and solid. I know I have a true partner in DP, he won’t be ‘babysitting’ his own kids, and he doesn’t ‘help me with the house’, he does his perfect fair share of our life together (if not more at times). He is fair and patient. I can completely rely on him. Marriage would solidify that legally but I don’t have any fears about him leaving or his skills as a parent. He is already a wonderful uncle, in fact he’s probably more child friendly than I am, and ‘Dad’ to our cats. I know he will care for and support me and any children amazingly, whether we’re already married or not.
• My DDad died very suddenly, young, recently. Both my grandfathers also died young, I didn’t know them. It has brought mine and my other loved ones mortality into focus (unsurprisingly) and I want to make sure my kids know my DM and DPs wonderful parents, who are all already brilliant and involved GPs, and have them around in all our lives for as long as possible. DM is on heart medication and hopefully will live another 30 years, but her DM died when she was 33, and I know she’s always felt her absence in hers and is children’s lives. The longer we wait the less potential time I see.
• I am close to my siblings and cousins and want my DCs to have that opportunity too. Our sibling’s children are already appearing and I’d love them all to be close in age.
• We live amongst a great support network of friends and family we can rely on, emotionally and physically. We are very lucky in this regard.
• Financially we are just about fine. Could always be better of course, but DP is on an upwards trajectory and even as we are now living costs including childcare would be fine. We don’t own our house, but we live near London and prices are nuts. If we waited to own we could be waiting a long time!

So yes, many ticks in the yes box! But what about some cons?

• We have some debt. Not crazy but needs dealing with, any decision to TTC would have to be accompanied by heavy duty knuckling down to saving and debt repayment, but I think knowing why we were working hard to do that quickly would make it easier.

But number one negative - I fear I will always judge myself for not waiting, for going against my own beliefs that I’ve always held so highly. I’m not worried about anyone else’s thoughts, I don’t think it would bother anyone else at all which way round we did it, but it might well bother me, and I’d hate to have that niggling regret in the back of my mind - I guess that I didn’t meet my own standards for want of a better term.

But I’m conscious that anything can always happen, we can’t plan life to a tee and sometimes maybe we just need to go for it? I am a worrier and do always feel like I need to be in control of ‘the plan’ but recent events have shown me sometimes you really can’t plan.

Fully prepared to be told I’m being utterly ridiculous, but after rolling this around in my head gettings nowhere for a few weeks I thought I’d present it to the wonders of MN and see what you all thought.

So, if you made it this far, thanks! Would be grateful for any advice.

OP - that doesn’t really take into account how your partner might feel though does it

I believe it's better to do what you believe is right for you. It seems to me the 'sticking point' with you is somewhat religious-/faith-based? If so, remember that being married in the eyes of God is what makes a 'true' marriage, not a piece of legal paper. My uncle and aunt couldn't be married in the Catholic Church because they wouldn't grant him an annulment. So they married themselves in front of family and in front of God. They recited vows and pledged themselves to each other, just as they would have in church.

But if I were you, honestly, I'd zip down to the Registry Office and get married, just the two of you. No need to tell anyone. My son and DiL did just this on the spur of the moment and whilst we were disappointed not to have been there, in the end we were happy for them and respected their choice.

Personally though having been there and worn the t-shirt (got married after the dc), I would get married first.

Sorry to repeat myself but - registry office with 10 people really isn’t an option for me.
We chose this option wanted to keep bulk of savings for house deposit. It still ended up costing more than we wanted but meant we didn't have to delay even longer trying for children. We did worry about upsetting wider family but in the end they were all fine and understood and it was the right choice for us.

We couldn't have afforded to re-save for deposits or pay for big wedding post children - children change priories and are bloody expensive.

TBH it does sound like you want to have wedding and wait few years before trying for children.

Given that you could actually afford the wedding you want fairly soon, it seems what you're actually asking is AIBU to compromise my beliefs for a date. I do think that's pretty daft, tbh.

That said, you appear to have decided, so it seems the thread has been useful to you.

@Woollysheepsheep I find debating helps me understand my own feelings on things. I’m a ‘talk it througher’. I also really haven’t made up my mind, Im changing it on all various points as we go through, which is really helpful. Poor DP is going to get a barrage when he gets home!

As someone who knows the dreadful financial disadvantages of co-habiting, I would strongly advise you to marry in any format before the baby.
You could always have the fancy event when baby is older.
I attended a benefits course today for my job and found out, for example, if your partner dies and is Under retirement age, you get 1k. With kids, it's £3k. Plus £100 pcm for 18 months.
ONLY if you're married or civil ceremony partnership.
Live together you get nada. Regardless of time spent.
Plus inheritance tax - you will pay 40% on assets over a fairly low threshold which could render you n kids homeless.
And I'm not married because my partner won't marry me. You'd think that 22 years, joint mortgage and kids would be enough.
So, strike while the enthusiasm is there.

@SunnyCoco on which bit are you referring too?

I'd jump through the most basic legal hoops (registry office with two witnesses) to get the piece of paper three weeks from now and then have whatever more meaningful ceremony you would like when you can afford it.

Have you tried looking at weddings in hotels? They come up at great value.
Our wedding in 2014 had 50 daytime guests for ceremony, canapés and drinks whilst we were photographed. Three course dinner and drinks , Evening reception for 150 guests with DH and cheesy disco. That cost about £7k. We sort of doubled that with extras that we could afford, so flower girls dresses were v expensive but we both loved them, then car, suit hire, flowers, photographer, a singer to start the evening, hair and makeup for me and bridesmaids, etc added about an extra £5k
I got my dress from BHS before they closed down it was £250 so you can do a lovely day on a budget.

@phoenix1973 having just helped my DM through all the financials of losing her DH, my Dad, under retirement age and when they both earned hardly anything, I am vastly aware of how much better it is to be married when someone dies. Luckily life insurance has come through, it was a very worrying time

OP - regarding being next of kin, you told me you’re happy for your mom to make decisions. So I’m saying yes but how might your partner feel about that

I don’t have a dog in this race, obviously I’m not bothered if a stranger on the Internet gets married or not, I’m just offering my 2p :)

Best of luck with your decisions

I see your point about wanting to be married pre kids. I felt extremely strongly about it so we married and I’m now pregnant with our first.
What’s to stop you having a legal ceremony soon and then ttc and in 2020 having a ‘wedding day’? Ultimately if you want marriage for the legal protection, you don’t need a wedding day.

You have no idea how fertile you or your partner are, or how long it will take you to conceive. There's never a right time to have a baby, but delaying it for a wedding doesn't seem like a brilliant reason to me. Being married isn't a golden ticket to lifelong happiness and security, and grants you few benefits as a mother that a will and life insurance wouldn't deal with. Inheritance tax only becomes a problem if one of you dies with assets worth more than £325k, and you don't own your house and it doesn't sound like you have savings, so....

I was married before I had my son. I believed it was forever. We split up when he was two.

Being married guarantees nothing. But what is certain is that you will be less fertile at 32 than you were at 30.

I think you would find it hard to save for a wedding once you have small children with mat leave, childcare, and the cost in general of children. I think your priorities would shift.

Get married now in a church and seriously scale down the size and cost of reception. Maybe have a nice dinner in a restaurant that has a function room or hire a church hall therefore no need for marquee and toilets and ask people to bring a dish of food instead of a gift.
Once you're in the other side of having a wedding, you realise that it's one day that passes in a flash. The actual marriage and having children are so much more consequential. Being able to take the length of maternity leave that you want instead of having to return when your finances dictate is so much more important than a wedding. You might not want to work 4 days a week when you have a toddler (you also might, but at least you could choose if not in debt/saving for wedding).

@SunnyCoco honestly I think DM would let him decide if it came to it, but I also think they’d agree. They both know my views on various things, like organ donation, and I don’t envisage any disagreement. He gets on with my DM as well as I get on with his parents. We’re very lucky.

Get married first. Once you have a child your life will change so much that you may not ever get round to the big family wedding.

Another one suggesting that you get married at a registry office and go to the pub with family and friends. I had a big wedding, it was lovely but it was only one day. I wouldn't delay ttc if you want a baby. I couldn't have a baby of my own (we have 2 adopted DDs we adore though) and it would have been harder to cope with that if I'd put it off simply to afford the wedding I wanted.

@kirstenraymonde yep that’s what everyone thinks until something happens! I think you’re being a bit obtuse but at the end of the day your decision is already made so best of luck

I think it's really unlikely that you'll save for a wedding after you have children. It's more likely that it (wedding) just won't happen unfortunately, children are expensive!

Your post comes across as you making excuses for changing your mind to me. Have you spent years telling all and sundry that there won't be children without a wedding, is it what others are going to say that is bothering you?

I'm sorry for your loss, I think this may be affecting your decision at the moment and I wouldn't rush anything on that basis.

Yabu. You can get married in a church very quickly. My friend did it all in 3 months.
I can't think what you're spending all that money on. Pick a weekday and it'll shave lots of the cost of the wedding reception/bbq/whatever.
Get a second hand dress, sort the flowers out yourself and get an M&S cake.

This thread is like a real time example of ‘the backfire effect’ 😂

You have to decide what’s more important to you...a big wedding or a baby as (going by the info in your post) you can’t have both. I agree with previous comments. Have a small secret wedding, go for the baby and, if you still feel the same about a big party, have one when you can afford it.

meh - I'm midway through arranging a wedding with a 2 year old (will be 3 when I marry his dad) it's fine.
We are having no bridesmaids, no wedding party, no favours etc though. 25 people ceremony and meal then party for 150 on the evening.
It's pretty much all sorted and having our child around hasn't hindered in any way.

I am 31, and glad we had the boy when we did, as definitely want another after the wedding when childcare costs will reduce - I'll be 32 when we marry, and 33 when the 2nd is born. Still time for a 3rd if we so desire.

We do have a mortgage, it is in 50%/50% both names, we earn similar, both work full time and both take half of all duties including child sickness etc.

FWIW, we had tiny student shoestring reg office wedding and similarly tiny shoestring blessing in tiny chapel 18 years ago. I'd wanted a bigger wedding - not OTT blowout, but a bigger wedding with an at least vaguely weddingy dress (not like the perfectly nice non-white Hobbs number I had on with shoes I already owned) and a sizeable party. I still sometimes feel a little wistful and sad (and am hoping for a bigger blessing and party for our silver wedding with a lovely silver dress). But tbh it doesn't really matter, and I look back on it fondly as the occasion that commenced years of happy marriage. The marriage really is the important thing in the long run.