To consider going against my own strongly held beliefs about getting married before having children

[KirstenRaymonde]

Have name changed as I’m usually woefully sloppy with giving out identifying details about myself, and am a known MNetter in real life, so thought I’d make an attempt at privacy for this. Sorry in advance but this will likely be long.

I have always felt very strongly that I wanted to be married before having children. No judgment on whatever anyone else chooses to do, and I know often the decision is taken out of people’s hands anyway, but I’ve alays felt I wanted to be absolutely committed to someone before deciding to bring a child into the world with them on purpose. Plus the legal protection of marriage plays into my reasoning in no small part. I’ve been 100% sure I will get married before trying for kids for as long as I could possibly have been thinking about such things, it’s never been in doubt for me (and actually I’d have considered it a deal breaker if a partner hadn’t agreed to it)

I am 30, DP is 28 and we’ve been together for 6 years. We are very settled and happy together, he’s a fantastic partner and my best friend. We’ve decided we want to get married, and have been talking about when to have children. We’ve been talking about it for a couple of years actually, but turning 30 ramped it up for me.

We were looking at getting married next year, but even trying to do a wedding on the cheap (big stately home do’s are not us) it was still getting expensive very quickly. We are lucky to have lots of friends and family we really love and would want to share the day with. I tried to cut our potential invite list down to the absolute bare minimum and still couldn’t get it below 70, not including kids. This is a lovely problem to have but it does add up the costs even just in food and drink. I considered briefly eloping or doing it just with immediate family and best friends (which would still take us beyond....30 or 40 people at least!) but I just couldn’t do it, I want the people I love there. So we’ve decided to marry instead in 2020, on a date that’s significant to us and I think worth waiting for, and enables us to save for the wedding we want. I am happy with this decision after a couple of months of worrying how to make it all work, and the pressure of figuring out how to sort it in that time has just gone. But of course this pushes back TTC by at least a year if not more, date is about 2.5 years from now.

So now I’m thinking, why don’t we just try for a baby now? There seem lots of very good reasons to just go for it, and try to have a baby before the wedding. But I’m really going back and forth on myself. DP knows how I’ve always felt about being married first and had agreed with what made me happy, but he doesn’t feel so strongly about it so wants me to be sure of my feelings.

My good reasons include:

• I know 30 isn’t old, and I’ve no reason to doubt my fertility, but I’m conscious that having your kids younger is generally better for health reasons. I also recently had some cervical cell changes discovered at a smear (it’s fine for now but they’re being monitored as early stage at risk) and the thought that I could put off and put off trying, and then have the choice taken away from me by something like cancer feels me with such deep dread.
• DP has a medical condition which could impact sperm motility. It’s not for sure, and potentially a low risk, but should it be the case it could take us longer to conceive and I think we should consider that. At the moment time and age are on our side.
• Our relationship is wonderful and solid. I know I have a true partner in DP, he won’t be ‘babysitting’ his own kids, and he doesn’t ‘help me with the house’, he does his perfect fair share of our life together (if not more at times). He is fair and patient. I can completely rely on him. Marriage would solidify that legally but I don’t have any fears about him leaving or his skills as a parent. He is already a wonderful uncle, in fact he’s probably more child friendly than I am, and ‘Dad’ to our cats. I know he will care for and support me and any children amazingly, whether we’re already married or not.
• My DDad died very suddenly, young, recently. Both my grandfathers also died young, I didn’t know them. It has brought mine and my other loved ones mortality into focus (unsurprisingly) and I want to make sure my kids know my DM and DPs wonderful parents, who are all already brilliant and involved GPs, and have them around in all our lives for as long as possible. DM is on heart medication and hopefully will live another 30 years, but her DM died when she was 33, and I know she’s always felt her absence in hers and is children’s lives. The longer we wait the less potential time I see.
• I am close to my siblings and cousins and want my DCs to have that opportunity too. Our sibling’s children are already appearing and I’d love them all to be close in age.
• We live amongst a great support network of friends and family we can rely on, emotionally and physically. We are very lucky in this regard.
• Financially we are just about fine. Could always be better of course, but DP is on an upwards trajectory and even as we are now living costs including childcare would be fine. We don’t own our house, but we live near London and prices are nuts. If we waited to own we could be waiting a long time!

So yes, many ticks in the yes box! But what about some cons?

• We have some debt. Not crazy but needs dealing with, any decision to TTC would have to be accompanied by heavy duty knuckling down to saving and debt repayment, but I think knowing why we were working hard to do that quickly would make it easier.

But number one negative - I fear I will always judge myself for not waiting, for going against my own beliefs that I’ve always held so highly. I’m not worried about anyone else’s thoughts, I don’t think it would bother anyone else at all which way round we did it, but it might well bother me, and I’d hate to have that niggling regret in the back of my mind - I guess that I didn’t meet my own standards for want of a better term.

But I’m conscious that anything can always happen, we can’t plan life to a tee and sometimes maybe we just need to go for it? I am a worrier and do always feel like I need to be in control of ‘the plan’ but recent events have shown me sometimes you really can’t plan.

Fully prepared to be told I’m being utterly ridiculous, but after rolling this around in my head gettings nowhere for a few weeks I thought I’d present it to the wonders of MN and see what you all thought.

So, if you made it this far, thanks! Would be grateful for any advice.

Have your church wedding. Have the party after in the church hall. Ask friends (and pay them for the cost) to cook big vats of chilli or make cakes and make it a big fun party. One of the best weddings I ever went to was just like that. There was a real sense of community.

Have your church wedding. Have the party after in the church hall. Ask friends (and pay them for the cost) to cook big vats of chilli or make cakes and make it a big fun party. One of the best weddings I ever went to was just like that. There was a real sense of community.

I've been to weddings like this, too. I quite agree. Actually we had a mini reception in our church hall, for those who weren't invited to the reception. Because I was close to my church family and wanted them to be part of it, but couldn't afford to have them all at the wedding breakfast. (They were all invited to the evening do, though.)

I agree the list of baby costs upthread is nonsense, especially since you have siblings with small children and lots of friends - you'll probably get loads of hand me downs and you can get loads of stuff secondhand/off Freecycle.
Children are definitely expensive, but by far the biggest expense is childcare/loss of income from not working, whichever route you choose.

I agree with those suggesting the following:

1. marry on the super-cheap, e.g. registry office with a witness each;
2. breed;
3. renew your vows in lavish fashion as & when finances permit.

@BunsOfAnarchy
That list/costs of “new” baby essentials is ludicrous!

A new baby does not need to cost 10K! No one would have kids if that’s how much it cost!

You buy what you need and what you can afford - you buy things second hand, you accept hand me down items from family and friends, you buy things from budget shops - who spends a grand on a pram?!

Actual Costs here in relation to the above lists

1. Pram (anywhere between £600 - 1k for pram only, no carry cot or car seat) £550 for Venicci including carry cot. £150 for car seat and adaptors.
2. Car seat + base £300 as above
3. Potential car upgrade...outright or part ex(£1k? £3k? £5k? - bigger boot is better so u can fit in shopping/luggage as well as pram) not required immediately
4. Nursery furniture (£400-£800) £250, Cot bed, wardrobe and drawers from argos
5. Next to bed cot (£150-200) Moses Basket
6. Moses basket (£50-£80) £35 for Clare de Lune - Argos
7. Baby clothes (£100-£300 or even moreby the time you add it all up) Under £100, loads of sleepsuits from supermarkets for his first 8 months
8. Other baby home accessories such as playmats, rocker/swing, high chair, baby bath - Playmat £55. Rocker £55. Baby bath given from friend. Highchair Ikea £15, not required for first 5 months
9. Baby essentials - muslins, blankets, slings, swaddles, bedding, growbags - around £200 Under £100! if you shop properly for these

actual costs for us earning under £45k. Saving £500 a month for wedding and overpaying £100 a month for mortgage = £1310.

Jesus that baby list is ridiculous! We've costed ours down to about €1.5-2k and that's not with the cheapest options - I expect to spend less as we'll get some things second hand.

Pram/pushchair - €350 (Cybex balios S - love this way more than a lot of the expensive ones! Second choice was Joie Chrome which is €240.) It's absolutely not necessary to get a top brand pram. You can get them even cheaper than this second hand or by buying a make with less features but if you want the features, look at the mid-range. The £400+ prams are trading on their name.
Car seat + isofix base + adapters - €250 (Again cybex second option up, not most basic, not most fancy. Isofix base more expensive than belted one. If we'd gone Joie the cost was more like €140.)
Cot - €130 ikea, I don't see the point buying three different cots. We might get a bedside one for €100 too, but expect to resell later. Or just convert the ikea one.
Clothes - I costed it out new at €50-100 but expecting to get a lot second hand, so much less
Car upgrade - would like to but realistically not in the first year. Would be a few €k yes. And we have a tiny citycar so the pram had to be carefully chosen around this.
Nursery furniture - ??? Who the fuck spends hundreds, I always wonder who is buying these ridiculous overpriced sets. Just go to ikea and get a normal chest of drawers. Max €200 if you need a changing table too. We will probably spend €1-200 decorating the room. I'd like a glider chair but these are over €100 too so it's a maybe.
House move/extra bedroom - this was expensive, probably €1.5k after deposits back etc and an extra €150 a month in rent compared to last place. Didn't count in budget, so total budget probably more like €3k plus the higher rent. If we hadn't had to move we might have upgraded the car.
Other stuff like playmat, bath, bouncer etc - easily under €200 but actually we've got a lot of these things free/second hand. BIG market for these as they are used for such a short time so still in good condition.
Other textiles - only likely to get muslins, blankets and cot sheets. Oh yes and a cosytoes for the pram and I'd like to get a summer liner just for fun. So maybe €120.
Will also get 2 slings for total of about €130 or less if second hand.
Then the little things which add up like nappies, baby soap, nail clippers, little toys, baby monitor, nursing bras, breast pump etc etc - I won't list everything but yes our top budget is somewhere around €2000 to get everything we need new. I think a little under €2000 for everything brand new at the most basic version and more like €2300 if I get the exact version that I like, which I don't expect for everything. Plus the 1.5k for a house move and it's still not anywhere close to €4k. I don't know how you can get it up to €10k unless your car upgrade is huge!

If you have the child first you won't want the big wedding anymore. The money seems an extravagant waste when you have another person to provide for!

Why don't you just get married without much notice. That cuts the invite list down loads. We got married with hardly any guests in a beautiful setting when number 3 was a couple of months old. We only gave a weeks notice. The people you really want there will move heaven and earth to be there.

But also, you are still young. 2020 is not that far away and you still have plenty of time.

I was married before having children and my husband, who I love to bits, is the only man I've slept with. Forward 30+ years and has any of this had any positives, doing it the "right" way, on my thoughts or my life? none whatsoever. I'd TTC now, if I were you.

You’d be utterly foolish to have kids before marriage (wedding shouldn’t matter to someone who is principled about marriage, unless of course what you’re really principled about is having a big wedding) simply because of the legal protection. People who didn’t marry and never split will say the piece of paper didn’t matter, because they’ve never had to invoke their rights!

We were in your situation OP. Had a marriage on the quiet with one friend each, had a baby and then had a full religious ceremony 2 years later with everyone we wanted there. That would be my suggestion here too.

Lots of good advice on here, OP, but I'd add that it's worth bearing in mind that while you may want those 70 people at your wedding, and to YOU it will be a big special day, quite possibly a fair number of them will not see it quite the same way - how many threads are there on here about brides upset because so many people can't come to their wedding? You might also find that if you've already been together for so many years, people are less bothered about your "big day", it's really just more of a party to them, the meaning of two lives joining together etc gets a bit lost if you've been shacking up together for years.
I'd echo so many other posters - get married now, have small, cheap wedding which is fun for everyone and then ttc immediately.
Once you have a baby, you're unlikely to have the time, energy and money for a big lavish wedding anyway.

Marriage first, too many stories on here of women who suffered financially by having children, partner screws them over and no financial protection :(

I’m going into month 16 TTC with one early miscarriage so I think starting to TTC earlyish too- I’d get engaged, do the wedding you say you can afford in 6 months then TTC while clearing debt.

Marriage first, pinkbicycle has exactly the right idea