Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

[HarrietKettle]

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and you have made very good provision for them. It is the case that some children are really good at sitting quietly others are not! With three children of my own I have spent many a performance ruined by younger children and parents not taking them out!!! I think it will be disappointing if your family can’t appreciate your wishes. Good Luck x

I would if the bride and groom wanted me to.
At my wedding I made it clear that it wasn't necessary to remove my tiny noisy relatives.
It's personal preference.

Are you getting married in a church? My parent who is a priest would quite rightly say, No, MY church, my rules, everyone is welcome, and if you didn't like it, don't get married there. Just to put that POV in there.

My then small child (aged four) coped with a very high society wedding where she was a bridesmaid, and another in a Eastern European country where the whole service was in Latin and everyone stood for the entire service. I think you are being rather unreasonable as children do cope absolutely fine without causing a fuss. And even as babies, I took mine to the occasional funeral and they were fine too. I'd be a bit baffled if my then 4 year old was banished from a normal wedding.

The issue isn't really the children is it, they are just behaving naturally - it is down to the parents attitudes.

We only had a babies at our wedding - but it was 4.30pm service in a tiny church in January, no disco after dinner and no outside space (it snowed fairly heavily). Maybe some people minded, I dont know but it was the only way I could manage the location (chosen to make sure my grandparents could attend easily) and the size of the church.

Not all weddings lend themselves to children attending and that doesnt make them selfish. I have been to some great summer weddings with loads of children though.

I wouldn't say you were banning children so people can let their hair down, just be honest it's not a child friendly venue and you don't want children there. Your family can decide whether to come or not. I wouldn't as I wouldn't have suitable childcare options. As long as you are relaxed about family members not being there I wouldn't worry about them choosing not to attend. It is your day and your choice.

I think as it's your wedding OP you can ask for what you want. You've also made a lot of provision for children with the 'nanny room'. So far so reasonable.

Reading between the lines it's not going down so well with DB and DSiL. But it's not their wedding. They'll have to suck it up.

Personally I didn't aim for the kind of perfection that you seem to want with your wedding. It probably wasn't as well organised as either. There were lots of noises all during the service but I didn't care and didn't really notice. It was also freezing ( tiny village church in January) apparently but I was warm as toast.

YANBU I think you have been extremely accommodating to organise the nanny and invite the children in the first place.

My own wedding was no children. This raised a few

If I get a wedding invite I pray my children AREN’T invited. Who wants to go to a wedding and sit with their child on their knee?? Pass me the prosecco 🍾

Babble is sweet

Not always, sometimes it's so loud you can struggle to hear the ceremony.

And so many parents fail to remove their children. I think because they are so used to tuning out how loud their DCs get, it simply doesn't occur to them that others are not finding their DCs lovely to listen to.

When DS was one, we went to BIL's wedding. I did enjoy treating DS to an adorable outfit. He got very restless during the church ceremony and didn't want to sit on my lap. He got down and played in the bottom of the pew with the hassock and a couple of soft toys I had brought with us.

He did not cry or babble at all. He made minimal noise, just a bit of shuffling. If he had opened his mouth I would not have hesitated to remove him immediately. He would have cried if forced to sit on my lap. I think it's very selfish to let a child ruin the ceremony. YANBU.

You should try a Greek wedding. Adults chatting, walking about, popping out for a smoke. Small children are the least of it!

Kittenbeast-I meant that there's so much going on on the actual day that you don't really have time to stress about who is missing. It goes by in a flash and you don't really have time to think about who has/hasn't turned up. It was a shame that some of them didn't turn up but there was definite 'foot stamping' by one guest (they would have had no problem getting a babysitter btw). In an ideal world I'd have invited a few kids, who I knew would be well behaved during the ceremony etc and had parents who would have removed them if there was any noise. The problem was the ones that I knew would play up...and just be laughed at by parents and not removed! Dreadful to say but my niece and nephew were total brats as young children and their parents just thought everything they did was 'fabulous' and 'hilarious' and 'just kids being kids'...I would have been stressing all day about what they would do next so it was easier to to say 'no kids at all'.

Haven't got time to read all 19 pages of comments but my 2ps worth.

Personally I think weddings are a family affair and it's nice for children to be part of such a happy day and experience it. I remember several weddings I went to as a child.

I got married 2 years ago and had children there... I was so wrapped up in the ceremony that I didn't notice any noise at all.

I also had children at my babies christening and again didn't notice them at all.

For the reception similar to the poster I had an area set up in the room full of puzzles and games etc. And because the meal was a buffet I sent a mini menu to the children to pick what they wanted in their pack lunches and they had a party bag with a gift and their food so the parents didn't need to worry about them.

They were in the room for the speeches but we're busy playing in the corner.

The children aged from 3 to 10

I took my two year old son out as soon as he started shouting hi granny etc. He was ready for a run about not to sit still. I then took him out at the speeches. So I spent the majority of the wedding day chasing him round the corridor outside trying to entertain him. It was rubbish. I would've appreciated somewhere to take him with facilities. The only bits of a wedding day little kids like is the dancing at the end when they are normally overtired as it's past their bedtime. You are not being unreasonable.

@KittenBeast but we are not talking about the wedding you are going to be a bridesmaid at, and your SIL hasn't asked for a childfree wedding so you have nothing to worry about.

The OP has made arrangements for a separate room to accommodate the children of the wedding goers during the ceremony, with a nanny, which is a childcare professional, not some 16 year old stray off the street!

I, for one, would jump at the chance to attend a wedding where my full attention could be on the bride and groom, not on some whiny kid being a brat, or having to somehow keep my own kids quiet while looking like some actor from a silent movie giving them that "wait 'til I get you outside" face.

(Not that that would happen now as they are 19 and 15 years old)

It’s your wedding and I see where you’re coming from, but I can’t help but feel you’re a bit harsh. Also I’m with your SIL - fully qualified or not, I wouldn’t want to leave my child with a stranger! I’d rather sit the ceremony out and stay with my child. You can’t stop children from babbling but the sound won’t ruin your day. Maybe speak to people with kids and lay out some concrete ground rules?

Stick to your guns. It’s your wedding, your day not theirs!

We had a bit of drama at my wedding - my ex BIL left my sister who was a bridesmaid and their children were flower girl and page boy. He was obviously meant to look after the kids while she was up front and giving a reading. Our mother was reluctant to help and obviously didn’t want to miss the ceremony so when the 2yo started kicking off all you can hear is this children’s book with sounds MOO’ING during the I Do’s!!!!! People still talk about it, well that and how brave my sister was.

Now we have children and when invited to weddings I sit near the back so if I have to leave I can do it without causing a scene.

OP you’ll have to keep us updated

My son (then 2.5) called out quite a bit in an excited way during my sister's wedding but she and BIL found it funny and the whole ceremony was very relaxed, warm, family affair. I know my sister wouldn't have wanted us to leave but in general I wouldn't take him to a wedding ceremony but neither would I leave him with a stranger.

Do you have a kindly "shirt-tail" relative whom everyone knows who would watch them? My dear granny watched several generations of children (although she wouldnt want to miss a close relative's wedding)

Stick to your guns OP, and don't pay attention to the "well MY children were FINE" or "if you want me there then that OBVIOUSLY includes me children" posts. Your money, your wedding, your choice.

I have a friend whose cousin dresses her 3 year old dc in a little suit and plonked him in the aisle as she was walking down, making him an instant page boy. He had no clue what was going on and it ruined her moment.

YANBU. Our best man's baby "babbled" very loudly throughout our wedding service, including during the vows, and wasn't taken out.

My grandmother said that she couldn't hear us saying our vows - actually I was finding it hard to hear them myself! My mum gave the mother a filthy look, but the hint wasn't taken.

It rather spoiled things for everyone, unfortunately, and I was quite upset about it at the time. But I never said anything to the parents afterwards. There would have been nothing to gain by embarrassing or upsetting them after the event when there was nothing they could then do about it.

In those days, a child-free wedding was unheard of. Nowadays, they are commonplace. It makes sense to me not to have very young children present at the ceremony.

I’d remove my child from the wedding ceremony if they couldn’t keep quiet. For our wedding meal and speeches we arranged for the children to have a separate room with Nanny’s where they all ate and played together. Was far more exciting for them and some time out for the parents. We only allowed children from immediate family to our wedding x

Not being unreasonable at all, you're being very accommodating to be honest. More than I would be, it would be a strict ban of no children at all at my wedding.

People may say that their child would never dream of making a noise, but at the age of 2 they don't understand and will when bored. It's guaranteed. Plus why does it matter if the 2 year old sees you getting married or not? It's not like he's going to remember.

your brother and sil feel you don't love your nephew as much as they thought (I understand this is not the case, but some parents can't imagine you not wanting child there)

Reassure them you really do want him there that day(lies if needed!) just not any kids during the ceremony. Maybe throw in a comment about make sure you get a photo with him or the reason for the kid room is you would hate him to have a rubbish day.

I'm remembering my father's wedding and the wee page boy shouting because he couldn't see his mum! It wasn't cute or funny tbh.
Yanbu. It's your wedding and you've made alternative free childcare arrangements for the kids.
If the adults of the kids don't want to use that service then they have to miss the service itself too. It's a choice they have to make. Don't feel bad about it.