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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

538 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 12:44

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

OP posts:
Cardiganqueen71 · 24/03/2018 07:07

Your wedding, your rules. Most parents seem to be utterly oblivious to their children’s noise and what a pain they can be. In my experience, when children are banned the parents have a great time.

mumeemoo · 24/03/2018 07:23

When my children were small i was always very relieved when i saw "no children" on the invite. This meant i would actually be able to enjoy the wedding and not be anxious the whole time that one or more dc would kick off. YANU.

BossWitch · 24/03/2018 07:45

We've had one wedding since having dd that she wasn't invited to, and two weddings were she was invited but we've not then her! I want to have fun at a wedding, have a drink, catch up with friends, let my hair down. Not spend the day worrying about the noise dd might make, if she needs the toilet, if she's hungry, bored, etc. Weddings and toddlers don't mix imo! Very happy to leave her at home!

BossWitch · 24/03/2018 07:45

*where
*not taken her

BeansandSausages · 24/03/2018 07:50

I would take mine out if they were being distracting. But I wouldn't ban children. I've always thought the wedding is about you getting married to the person you love, not about a perfect show day. But I know some people see it very differently.

Cocobab · 24/03/2018 08:36

Your wedding, your choice. No kids means no kids. We did it that way but if you’re worried about how others are reacting then more eyebrows would be raised if you made an exception for one child but invited no others. Just say no. It’s your wedding, people have dick-all right to impose their views or frankly even comment on your choices for your day (on the assumption you’re funding it etc). Go for it. X

Cocobab · 24/03/2018 08:41

Also can’t stand views such as ‘weddings are about family blah blah blah and if my kids aren’t welcome then I won’t be coming’ tripe. No, get over yourselves, weddings are about two people who love each other pledging TO EACH OTHER that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Nowhere anywhere is it a requirement for ‘families’ to be present which is why some people choose not to invite any family at all. You invite whoever you want to be there.

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 24/03/2018 08:44

I have to say I am finding 'I think it's lovely to include children I wouldn't have noticed a tantrum because I was so in love with my DH and you obviously want a show day!' a bit tedious tbh. Don't be so superior!

I bet your kids were more annoying during that ceremony than you think

OP posts:
lovewatchingrainfall · 24/03/2018 08:51

I went to a wedding and my eldest was about 18months, she was babbling away and I felt that the wedding should be quiet for the vows etc so I did take her outside and miss 90% of the actual marriage but but I thought it was a place for piece

I also took my youngest to a wedding at 8months and worried about noise so sat at the back and fed her when she started to make a noise I went to take her out but family members of the bride told me not to.
So it depends on the bride really if you don't want children there then just say, some people don't mind any noise some do

snewsname · 24/03/2018 08:56

I would and have done but think your idea is fine if that is what you want.

MaisyPops · 24/03/2018 09:03

Small baby giggles wouldn't bother me. I find it a bit Hmm that people couldn'5 possibly manage a ceremony if a baby makes a tiny noise and can't help but think if their wedding would be ruined by the tinest noise then they need to get over themselves.

Screaming, crying, talking etc absolutely should be taken outside.

justforthisthread101 · 24/03/2018 09:12

A toddler was making noise during our vows and you can be damn sure I noticed. As did a number of my friends. It caused more of an eye roll in my case than fury as I totally expected it, and resigned myself to it.

But it wasn’t sweet, endearing, cute, adorable, or anything else. It was annoying.

YANBU

Lizzie48 · 24/03/2018 09:12

It's not being superior to say that we didn't notice the children's babbling, OP, don't be so touchy about it! It's just a different way of viewing things. I've never been to a child-free wedding so for me a wedding without children would be strange for me.

It's called AIBU, it's about other people's opinions. We're not even saying YABU, we're just saying what our views are.

It just wasn't a thing in the days when my friends and family were getting married. But I do think that might be because children were better behaved back then. I don't recall children misbehaving in the way I see them now at church. That annoys me when there is actually provision for childcare. I agree that there's more of an entitlement these days.

Barbaro · 24/03/2018 09:12

Harrietkettle to be honest the ones saying that you are unreasonable to not include children are probably the ones who's kids make the most noise and they can't understand why people wouldn't find it cute like they do.

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 24/03/2018 09:14

Also, I can see it might be easy to grab a pew at the back of a church poised to slip out and noise wouldn't be as likely to affect people down the front.

I'm not getting married in a bloody church.

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 24/03/2018 09:19

I think the provisions you have in place sound great - the rule is if the kids come they stay in the room for the ceremony.

Your rules your day.

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 24/03/2018 09:23

InvisableUnicorn I'm thrilled for you that you such angelic adaptable little darlings! How lovely.

The thing about children is, they are all quite different and don't react the same Confused

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 24/03/2018 09:25

Barbaro
Or some of us get that there is a difference between a baby cooing and a screaming toddler and think getting hung up on any tiny noises is a bit ridiculous but entirely understand loud kids should be taken out.

KittenBeast · 24/03/2018 09:29

Also can’t stand views such as ‘weddings are about family blah blah blah and if my kids aren’t welcome then I won’t be coming’ tripe. No, get over yourselves, weddings are about two people who love each other pledging TO EACH OTHER that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Nowhere anywhere is it a requirement for ‘families’ to be present which is why some people choose not to invite any family at all. You invite whoever you want to be there.

Looks like someone is misinterpreting what I'm saying, how unusual on mumsnet. I'll try to make it simpler - If you do not want guests, do not invite guests, if you want to be wrapped up in all the joy of your special, special day and for it ALL to be about you, simply don't invite anyone. No? is this difficult to understand?
If there are people that you EXPECT to be there, a sibling for example, don't ban their children unless they're absolutely happy to pay for childcare for the day, or, if you really do expect them to be there and will get shirty/upset if they don't show - you pay for the childcare, nobody should have to be out of pocket for your day.
Christ, there I was thinking that people get married for...y'know...the marriage. Although I do understand how a softly babbling baby during your vows could heavily impact the quality of your entire lives together, and I accept how difficult it would be to gaze in to the eyes of the person you love and say 'I do' while a toddler giggles. Utterly, utterly traumatising.
Also, by children are we talking up to the age of 16 here? what's the cut off point?

fourpawswhite · 24/03/2018 09:29

I think what you have planned is fine op.

Many years ago dh was usher for a school friend at a wedding in a church. He was only son, four sisters, one of whom had a toddler. She was the only child in their family, in fact possibly the only child at the wedding.

I have never in my life seen anything like it. She screamed at the top of her voice during the hymns. She ran up and down the aisle and upon reaching the top repeatedly slammed the wooden door on the pulpit where the minister would go for readings. Her voice was echoing and it was making her louder and louder. I was dying in my seat. The brides family looked furious, the grooms family were awing and cooing and smiling.

In the end after much raised eyebrows and a complete inability to hear a thing, dh went and asked the sister if she would like him to take her out, because, you know maybe she just didn't want to miss the ceremony. She was polite and lovely but said no, the child was part of the ceremony.

We still all talk about it now if anyone mentions their wedding. The poor bride was so quiet and never would have said anything but you could see she was devastated. They cut the entire service from the video as all you would have heard was banging. Yes it was their niece, yes she was cute, but it really ruined their service.

KittenBeast · 24/03/2018 09:30

MaisyPops, thank you for talking sense.

NormHonal · 24/03/2018 09:36

OP, I think what you’re doing is perfectly fine. In fact it’s exactly what we did and requested on our own wedding day.

Unfortunately only one child was left with the nanny, in spite of the repeated requests of our ushers, and, yes, one of the little darlings babbled all the way through our vows.

I hope you have more success than us!

80sMum · 24/03/2018 09:38

kittenbeast the OP isn't "banning" children, she's offering to provide a room for them to be in during the ceremony, so they can make as much noise as they want and so their parents can relax and watch the ceremony.

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 24/03/2018 09:39

I HAVE offered to pay for childcare 😂

OP posts:
tootiredforeverything · 24/03/2018 09:40

We decided no children at all for our wedding and most people were happy to leave them at home. That being said there were no grand kids at that stage, so would only have been our friend's children. On reflection though, I think it would have been nice to have them there, and I'm pretty sure that with all the nerves and excitement I felt, that I wouldn't have noticed any babbling going on while I was reciting my vows! But it's your day, you should do what you feel most comfortable with.