Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

[HarrietKettle]

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

I'm not at all criticising your decision to have a child-free wedding btw, that's entirely your call. I've never been invited to one, but I don't think it was such a big thing 15-20 years ago when my friends and family were getting married.

I would love to have had that provision at every wedding I ever went to when my children were little and, they weren't particularly difficult. They would have enjoyed it too, rather than be made to sit quietly through speeches. They won't remember much about your wedding day, but you will, so you are NBU.
The flip side is that, although I would have left them with a qualified nanny for an hour or so with other children they know around, my daughter was incredibly shy up to around age 7 and probably wouldn't have wanted to be left, so I would have stayed in the creche with her. Perhaps you might have to slightly flexible or risk some parents also missing out on some of your wedding.

@lizzie48 it wasn’t very kind of @hoppingpalova to tell the OP she was either highly strung or super distractable, and imply that not wanting child noise in her ceremony is because she needs “absolute silence all day” and “all eyes on her”. I don’t think those things are true of the OP based on the info we have been given.

im getting married this year and if a child is being disruptive during the ceremony i will expect and hope the parent will take him / her out of the room.

i love my nieces and nephews however this is MY day and the one day i want to totally be about myself and my fiance. i dont think im unreasonable to not want any distractions

My nephew shouted and did high pitched, ear-bleeding squeals through a family wedding. My sister is the oblivious type that seems to think everyone believes it is cute and wonderful.

Was at another wedding recently and the toddler behind me had full-blown tantrum. He wrecked one of the speeches and kicked me in the head. Daddy was the 'kids, eh!' type, again oblivious to the fact his little fart was wrecking everything.

Yet another wedding had someone's small child shit under the table at the reception.

OP's decision is well justified!

I suppose it was a bit goady, true. These threads always seem to be very polarised. They seem to regularly lead to bunfights. I honestly don't get why at all, personally.

Yes me too. I don't understand why some people think someone else's wedding is all about THEIR children. Weird.

I'd take out a child who made the faintest squeak, however it's entirely possible that a child could disturb the ceremony before you could remove them anyway. We went to a wedding when our daughter was just turned 3 and were confident that she would be reliably quiet during the ceremony. Unfortunately she'd never been to a wedding before and was very much into princesses etc. She was awe-struck at the bride as she walked down the aisle and just as she got to the altar (and as the organ ended and the whole place became pin drop silent) dd said (loudly enough to be heard) ohhhh myyyyy god. Inappropriate noise, phrase and setting too.

With your wedding, I'd happily leave a toddler or older child with a nanny, especially for such a short period of time. With a younger baby I'd play it by ear - perhaps juggling naps so they would be asleep whilst with the nanny and therefore not miss us at all. Worst case I'd miss the ceremony and speeches, which is a shame but better than spending the whole time worrying about an 'oh my god' moment.

I can't see that you could have done any more to accommodate your brother and sil, short of risking the children affecting the ceremony. You were more than reasonable in offering a nanny. It's a shame that your family don't see it that way, but the world doesn't revolve around them, nor should it.

Even weirder when posters get upset with people they don't know IRL about their wedding plans. Why are they so invested? So many of these threads become ridiculously heated.

I was pissed off at my brother in law and his wife for not leaving when their baby started screaming about 2/3 of the way into the ceremony. I was just silently thinking ‘please leave’! But they didn’t I don’t think YABU.

Yes. Absolutely

When my eldest daughter was 1 she started crying at her aunties wedding. I immediately left the church. I missed all the vows and stayed outside until they all came out. It was the right thing to do.

The auntie was dissapointed we'd left but there was no way id have sat there with my child crying it wasn't fair on anyone.

The following year she was 2 and me and her dad got married. We said our vows with her holding our hands. It was the only way she'd stop calling us lol.

I can speak with experience, (from very long ago - in fact over 30 years ago)! I had also arranged properly qualified "child-care" for the VERY BORING bits for toddlers. I didn't "specify" they HAD to go into the play-room, but asked the parents if they would. Do you know what, in those days parents were THRILLED with the opportunity, instead of the "my child is more important than your wedding attitude we seem to see so much nowadays!" I was thanked for my "brilliant idea" and so everyone with toddlers felt comfortable. EXCEPT FOR ONE. My SIL. She felt it was very necessary for her 18 month old to "witness" her brothers' wedding. Just that one person. And guess what, he screamed, yelled, and eventually vomitted. We have a charming video, (videos' in those days) where "some" the footage is nice to look at, clever videographer took the film from a balcony at the back of the church - but you have to watch the film on silent! I say "!some of the footage" because for a lot of the film you could see familys' on both sides, GLARING furiously at SIL (including her own father and younger sister, one of my brides-maids, who turned around to glare at her.) Ruined it, for everyone. ~But she made her point, and her screaming child no doubt well remembers the day it was so very important for him to witness his Uncle getting married.

When I was 3, my auntie insisted I were to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, my parents tried to dissuade her, I was a particularly vociferous wee urchin, and I didn't like to sit still. My aunt got her way, and took off my satin pump and threw it at her head during the vows. She was devastated, but she was warned. Marriage lasted 18 months. I blame myself.

Def no kids allowed. It is your day not theirs or their parent’s! I had no kids at my wedding except a bridesmaid and page boy. NO, no, no!!!

If you don't want babies and toddlers at your wedding I think that's up to you to decide. It's a pity that inconsiderate people have made this more the norm now. Because if people were considerate and took noisy children out rather than let them drown out the ceremony and not allow them to run riot at the reception then people might invite them.

I totally TOTALLY agree with you OP. a wedding should be ALL about the bride and groom. And any guest who doesn’t like it should fuck off. Family or not. This is your day, not theirs.

If people are still moaning after you seem to have gone to a lot of trouble and expense, id tell them the kids aren't invited and get them to cough up for childcare for the day.

Other people’s opinions on what is or isn’t too much noise is irrelevant. You don’t want any child noise and you’ve made a choice and even sorted out a solution. It’s non-negotiable and people should respect your wishes.

OK, Fave, sure, but if you're going to have a wedding and invite people with kids who you supposedly care about, I wouldn't quite go about it like you. Bit arseholey. It is, after all, a wedding, for people who witness their loved ones getting married, if people want it to be ALL about them, don't invite guests and bugger off to Gretna. OP doesn't seem quite as vitriolic as you.

I've been to a full catholic mass at a wedding with toddlers one was fine the other wanted to walk so we walked and I missed the service but the service went ahead without a babbling child. You just need to be firm and realistic With the parents. Any sensible person would jump at an iPad room and the respective parents could be in there in shifts have a lovely day

Lol kitten spoken like the type of person OP is talking exactly about

I had 5 under 5 at my wedding. I hired 2 Nursery workers to look after them for the ceremony. 1 couple didn’t want to leave their child so stayed out of the ceremony (fine). The other parents said what a good idea it was and that they they wished they’d done the same for their wedding.

As seen as you have made arrangements for them during the ceremony I don't see you are being totally unreasonable, but I do find brides who don't want children there a bit bridezilla, I don't understand how generall background noise gets people so wound up? How is a toddler making noise different to an adult making noise?
It is your day though and what you want, what does your DP think?

Weddings and preschoolers do not mix. Not for the ceremony/speeches anyway. (It’s unseasonable to expect them to be quiet and still and will result in behaviour that just doesn’t work for a wedding. Plus who wants to censor a wedding/best man’s speech for any children.)
Reserve a seat at the very back/closest to the door for anyone who insists on bringing little ones in so they can make a hasty exit. And get your ushers to actually usher them out if this happens.