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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know I'm being stupid and selfish, please help me find my big girl pants

158 replies

pigmcpigface · 22/03/2018 08:30

Regular, but NCed. To be clear, I know I am being unreasonable, selfish and childish about this. I need you guys to talk some sense into me.

Had a hell of a six months. DH's job has been crazy, and I've been working and managing building work which has dragged on much longer than anticipated due to unforeseeable circumstances. to give you an idea, for months I was working from home, in the freezing cold, sometimes without power- in an environment that is noisy, dusty, smelly and thoroughly unpleasant to be in. Birthdays - including a major one for me - Christmas, Valentines' Day have all been cancelled as we struggle to control costs and cope financially. We've worked right through everything without having a rest. That's fine, it's what you do as adults. But I am now on my knees, constantly feeling like I'm on the edge of a major cold and tired all the time. I am also suffering from clinical depression - for various personal reasons that have to do with some bad things that happened in the past, I really struggle with upheaval in the house. I've been crying incessantly, and so I went to the GP and started treatment for this, though I suspect that it is quite circumstantial and will actually go away as the house gets back to normal.

There is finally an end in sight, but we can't afford a holiday. I have been saving up for one, but the money has been spent DH has agreed to a weekend away to celebrate his mother's 70th, and it's costing us around £600 (BIL is paying half - so the weekend is £1200 in total for 6 adults). He's also agreed to a weekend away with schoolfriends in a few weeks, at a cost of £300.

Predictably, all the organisation for MIL's birthday has fallen on me, as DH has been 'simply too busy'. I found the cottage for MIL, found and booked a place for Sunday lunch, and did the huge food shop for everyone. I baked a birthday cake (Christmas cake recipe) and later on, I will cook a meal to take down for tomorrow evening. I've also organised ingredients for BIL and his partner to cook something. I know that I should have just said 'no' to the wifework, but this is literally the only way that this weekend was going to happen for MIL so I've sucked it up. (BIL is also struggling at work).

I feel childishly resentful that this has basically eaten our budget for a holiday this Easter. I missed out on my birthday (also one of those with a '0' on the end, by the way!) because we didn't have enough money, yet we can find all this for MIL - who is domineering, bossy and patronising to me.

I fully realise this is not a MIL issue, it's a DH issue. We have spoken about not doing any more very expensive friends/family things for a while, and he has agreed that this is sensible. He has form for agreeing, then caving, but I've made it absolutely clear that this is now a red line for me. I'm pretty sure he understands how I feel abotu this.

The immediate issue is that I need to turn my mood around and deal with this with a good grace. I am absolutely dreading the weekend -
being around MIL is a thoroughly unenjoyable experience in every way because she cannot depart from a MO where she gives me life advice, incessantly. A really small, childish part of me is just wailing inside at the situation, in a way that is grossly disproportionate really. There are people on this forum with real problems, and I'm letting something as selfish as this get to me Sad. I feel small, weak and vulnerable, like all my fierceness has somehow evaporated!

I feel like I need a good dressing down, and for someone to help me find and put on my big girl pants. I need to cope with this weekend with good grace, and then to ensure that we don't get put in this position again. Please talk some sense into me.

OP posts:
Viewofhedges · 23/03/2018 12:57

Do you get on well with your BIL’s partner? It sounds to me as if an honest chat between the two of you might help. If you’re both feeling the same things, sharing it and knowing you are allies might help you both to stand up with (not against) your DH and BIL when it comes to family things. Also, you can use the excuse of seeing them as a grand excuse for you and bil in law to go off together “for a catch-up” even if that means you sit and drink gin and read the paper.

tumbleweed38 · 23/03/2018 12:59

some very very good advice on here. Your husband fell asleep? Don't shoot me folks but is he ill in some way? Physically/mentally? Should e see a GP?
I assume the inlaws are wealthy and OH is in a demanding profession...is it worth some sort of reevalutaion about priorities?

Re the ghastly FIL,often people who are much older and have lived through the was obsess about the news. It was so important to them. He really isnt that old.

tumbleweed38 · 23/03/2018 13:02

Agree that many people and certainly this ghastly lot will understand the words Im not well . I have a migraine.

NWQM · 23/03/2018 13:20

You sound so in tune with things OP but perhaps as a result a little accommodating. Your partner falling asleep is just as avoiding as his Dad putting the radio on when he didn't like something. Your husband has presumably witnessed this type of behaviour for years...and seen that it is successful. You do clearly need to talk this all out with him. Whilst you should have to always be the one accommodating by finding the right time perhaps you need to set the time and say that it is crucial that he listens. I'd also say though that you do need to think about what would 'make it up for you'. Your husband has done the classic 'yes, we will have a holiday. It can go on the credit card'. He's fixed it. Totally get why you are uncomfortable in going into debt but perhaps you do - in this one instance - need to help him out by being clear what you do want. What is the difference you are looking for - it might be a simple date night once a week, a way in which to agree expenditure jointly or a gesture. If you can't articulate it then it's unlikely that he can work it and he'll keep having the 'upper hand' by making decisions. You are clearly doing so well by having organised this weekend. I love idea of enlisting the help of your BiL team. Really hope that you are able to enjoy some aspects of the weekend.

PercyPigAddict · 23/03/2018 19:26

OP I'm glad you've had some really helpful advice on this thread and you are seeing the prob with your DH / boundaries etc so clearly. I agree that counselling might help, as will getting your BIL's partner on side! But I find your first post really sad / disturbing - why on earth did you think you deserved a dressing down? Who told you it was stupid, selfish and childish to be upset that your husband took the money youd saved and spent it on holidays for himself and weekends for your MIL? Is this something you grew up with? Might it be worth getting some solo counselling as well as for you and DH as a couple?

I hope the weekend goes well! Flowers

Fishface77 · 23/03/2018 20:50

I really feel sorry for you op!
Your H sounds horrible, dismissive and rude.

LookyLooky · 23/03/2018 21:05

Visits to my in laws have improved massively since I began bringing my iPad and my headphones.

SecondRow · 24/03/2018 07:16

Hello OP, just popping on to say hope you get some spring sunshine on your face today, and carve out some time for yourself later with a good book and Wine. Wishing you all the strength of Mumsnet for your weekend Flowers

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