I know I'm being stupid and selfish, please help me find my big girl pants

[pigmcpigface]

Regular, but NCed. To be clear, I know I am being unreasonable, selfish and childish about this. I need you guys to talk some sense into me.

Had a hell of a six months. DH's job has been crazy, and I've been working and managing building work which has dragged on much longer than anticipated due to unforeseeable circumstances. to give you an idea, for months I was working from home, in the freezing cold, sometimes without power- in an environment that is noisy, dusty, smelly and thoroughly unpleasant to be in. Birthdays - including a major one for me - Christmas, Valentines' Day have all been cancelled as we struggle to control costs and cope financially. We've worked right through everything without having a rest. That's fine, it's what you do as adults. But I am now on my knees, constantly feeling like I'm on the edge of a major cold and tired all the time. I am also suffering from clinical depression - for various personal reasons that have to do with some bad things that happened in the past, I really struggle with upheaval in the house. I've been crying incessantly, and so I went to the GP and started treatment for this, though I suspect that it is quite circumstantial and will actually go away as the house gets back to normal.

There is finally an end in sight, but we can't afford a holiday. I have been saving up for one, but the money has been spent DH has agreed to a weekend away to celebrate his mother's 70th, and it's costing us around £600 (BIL is paying half - so the weekend is £1200 in total for 6 adults). He's also agreed to a weekend away with schoolfriends in a few weeks, at a cost of £300.

Predictably, all the organisation for MIL's birthday has fallen on me, as DH has been 'simply too busy'. I found the cottage for MIL, found and booked a place for Sunday lunch, and did the huge food shop for everyone. I baked a birthday cake (Christmas cake recipe) and later on, I will cook a meal to take down for tomorrow evening. I've also organised ingredients for BIL and his partner to cook something. I know that I should have just said 'no' to the wifework, but this is literally the only way that this weekend was going to happen for MIL so I've sucked it up. (BIL is also struggling at work).

I feel childishly resentful that this has basically eaten our budget for a holiday this Easter. I missed out on my birthday (also one of those with a '0' on the end, by the way!) because we didn't have enough money, yet we can find all this for MIL - who is domineering, bossy and patronising to me.

I fully realise this is not a MIL issue, it's a DH issue. We have spoken about not doing any more very expensive friends/family things for a while, and he has agreed that this is sensible. He has form for agreeing, then caving, but I've made it absolutely clear that this is now a red line for me. I'm pretty sure he understands how I feel abotu this.

The immediate issue is that I need to turn my mood around and deal with this with a good grace. I am absolutely dreading the weekend -
being around MIL is a thoroughly unenjoyable experience in every way because she cannot depart from a MO where she gives me life advice, incessantly. A really small, childish part of me is just wailing inside at the situation, in a way that is grossly disproportionate really. There are people on this forum with real problems, and I'm letting something as selfish as this get to me . I feel small, weak and vulnerable, like all my fierceness has somehow evaporated!

I feel like I need a good dressing down, and for someone to help me find and put on my big girl pants. I need to cope with this weekend with good grace, and then to ensure that we don't get put in this position again. Please talk some sense into me.

You sound so so lovely op Definitely time to think of yourself for a bit and not everyone else.

I hope this weekend goes as well for you as it can. Do let us know, won't you?

disgrace what an amusing story!! I do think it would be much better if we all just left FIL to it. But that's not the family way, sadly. Not least because he is a bit of a tyrant: these days it is done through some of the most extreme passive-aggressive behaviour I've seen, but from what DH has said, in the past it was accompanied by direct aggression- yelling and hitting.

For instance, he has a thing about watching the news at 9pm. Which is fine, we all have our little rituals. But in his case it is not good enough for him to do it, we all have to fall in with it. Now I do keep up with current events- I check the news many times a day online and I read everything from diplomacy to celebrity gossip!- but I don't like watching evening news because I get upset by it and then I can't sleep for thinking about what I have seen and the poor people involved. I have started to resist it by going to bed or reading a book, and now I get patronising speeches from him that assume I'm really ignorant and stupid. I am neither of those things; in fact, on paper I have higher qualifications than he does. But because I won't join in with what he wants I must now be stupid.

We did a quiz as a family at Christmas where everyone did a round. I made all my questions about famous feminists- not obscure people, really famous women of history. He couldn't answer any of them so he turned the radio on and drowned me out in a temper!!

OP I'm so sorry he fell asleep. That sums things up really doesn't it - you're trying to be heard and he's quite literally not listening. His needs are coming first (in this case, his need for sleep). I hope you manage to get through to him - maybe this weekend if you can get out for a walk together. If he's walking hopefully he won't nod off!

As for your FIL - he sounds like the most spoiled, passive-aggressive person imaginable. I would stop pandering to him - one call for 'FIL, dinner's on the table' and leave it at that. Let him starve if he can't be arsed to come or help himself to vegetables. Tosser.

You sound really lovely, and also really strong, capable and kind. I hardly ever post but I thought I'd share a strange strategy I developed for annoying people - I mentally go through the alphabet with insulting adjectives/nouns for the person e.g. arsehole, bastard... It sounds crazy and probably is! but it has helped me zone out a lot in very difficult moments.

I identify a lot with some of your feelings - it sounds as if you have become worn down and forgotten that you are entitled to be happy! I got to a stage where I ended up thinking, if I don't look after myself and do nice things for myself, no-one is going to. Just small things really helped, like allowing myself half an hour drinking coffee and reading before getting on with work/necessary things.

On this weekend I agree with other ideas such as taking books to read so you can escape from time to time x Sending you hugs

I mean, for being around annoying people, not to annoy people!

Op I've read your thread this morning. You have great insight into your situation and I wish you confidence and strength to enforce the changes you need.
Re apologetic DH this morning, this worries me. He 'slept' through your declaration thereby silencing you. He's said he is sorry but tired, thereby putting his needs above yours. He has not offered a change- he hasn't (or at least you haven't said) offered to go to work late today, finish early so you can reconnect with what you wanted to say, thereby sidelining you with a rueful smile. You're accommodating him "allowing him to recover this weekend before finding the right moment" the reality is, I fear, there is no right moment for him, he doesn't want to have this discussion and is engineering situations to avoid/disrupt/delay/make you run out of confidence and energy.
I am sorry if I'm off the mark here but I wouldn't fall in line here, use your insight. (I should add that when I say I wouldn't fall in line here I should perhaps say I would hope I wouldn't fall in line here - am not critical of you as I genuinely don't know if in the same situation I'd gird my loins and crack on or step back Homer Simpson style into the bushes - I know what I'd like to think I would do!)

Sounds to me that what he actually loves is the attention and the control.
When you make everyone wait and wait until you deign to attend and then leisurely assemble your ideal options before allowing everyone else to finally start eating, you have everyones undivided attention and adulation. Its exactly what you do when you make dogs wait for their dish to be placed and the command to be given before they can eat.

"Unfortunately he fell asleep half way through my big speech."

And why didnt you poke him awake again? Do you really believe that if he was still at work and his boss was talking to him, he would have fallen asleep? It was 8pm, not 2am, he can push through for half an hour.

What’s your relationship like with BILs partner? Is he a decent guy?

Because if he is I would suggest the following:

Go on the weekend. Be gracious and keep the moral high ground. Use all of the tactics above. With one little extra...

...speak to BILs partner. When you’re all sitting down for lunch he is to clink his glass and make a short but lovely speech on congratulations MIL and how nice it is to have everyone together and how grateful he is to you - the gist should be that mcpig has done all this, whilst working and living in a building site, here’s a glass to mcpig!
And of course you accept graciously and say that you must also acknowledge all the work he has done whilst blah blah...

And then you bow out of whatever is needed, keep your gracious but contained head on and survive the weekend.

And when you get home you have a serious talk with DH about how this is the last time this ever happens. And you mean it. If he’s stressed enough to vomit that is grossly abnormal. You need to put yourselves as a couple first and deal with this together, as a united front. He may need some therapy too.

Good luck. We built our own house and I also have in laws with boundary issues. These things are not easy

The news thing.

When I’m faced with people making these ridiculous demands I shift the focus from ‘person expects this to happen’ to ‘this is ilitterly ridiculous don’t be daft.’

So what not to do: sorry FIL I’m tired and I ... blah blah - that’s you justifying and apologising and that’s you on the back foot. That’s a starting point that he’s right and you have to excuse yourself. Never, ever JADE ( justify, apologise, defend or explain) because that sets you as apologising.

What to do: approach from a ‘gosh now that’s silly dont be daft’ start point.

So ‘stay up and watch, FIL? Gosh I’m sure you can manage by yourself, the news will be there in the morning. Good night everyone, what a lovey day we’ve had.’

See how the core position in option one is him in charge, you excusing yourself? He has the power. Core position in option two is that from the very start it’s a ridiculous request. No apologising or defending your position is therefore even needed. It’s just not happening. You retain the power.

There are multiple little perspective and language tricks you can use that give the same effect.

I'd go even further than that Hypermice and just not have such a ridiculous person in my house. If he wants to be a tyrant, he can do it elsewhere, far away from me.

My FIL tries to be a tyrant but I don't have any of it and it just makes him look like a tantrumming toddler. He knows full well that if he pushes it I'll just ban him and MIL from the house. If nothing else that provides motivation for MIL not to pander to him so much - she really wants to see the kids and it's one of the few things that will get her stop being a total doormat.

OP, I just want to wish you well for the weekend. I hope some of the visualisations and meditations mentioned in the thread will be helpful.

As others have said, you do have good insight - you just don't have time to breathe and initiate the "work" that your insight tells you has to come next. This is so understandable and not your fault!

You can tell from the thread that so many people can empathise with your situation. I think your husband doesn't have to be a complete arsehole (even having done some arsehole-ish things) but it can still come about that you realise that not only has he no insight into your emotional landscape, but he is not out scanning the horizon trying to achieve any, either.

It is really hard to get into the habit of putting yourself first, but as has been said, nobody else will if you don't. If you do ONE thing this weekend, please please give your husband notice in writing that he is SOLELY responsible for serving/waiting on FIL in EVERY circumstance that arises.

Tell him straight, then drop the rope.

I can really sympathise with your FIL situation OP. My father is very similar (minus the insisting on beer and wine). Either needs to be cajoled to the table or is impatiently asking when food is ready. Has to be served food at the table and waits with a sad look in his eyes waiting to be served / made a drink etc. I admit I pander to him but he does respond sometimes to direct instructions. As in if I said ‘help yourself to pizza’ he would pick up a slice once someone passed him the plate or if we ask him to carry something to the table he will do it. It is exhausting though.

Actually, Hyper's point there is so good too, and being at the end of your tether as you are, and given that your attempt in good faith to talk things over was snored off, should apply equally to your husband at the moment too. He doesn't want to talk - or rather listen - then don't waste your breath on explaining things to him, either.

So not, "DH I have done all the organizing and I just can't face the pandering to FIL this weekend because I am so tired etc etc" (invites the answer, "I know, we are both so exhausted - especially MEEE - and my parents are so annyoying but what can you do blah blah")

But rather, "DH, you are on FIL duty all weekend." And sit back. If HE doesn't want any awkwardness, let him do the managing.

Please think of all the Mumsnetters in your pocket over the weekend too, backing you up all the way

Some great ideas here, I love the 'alphabet of insults'. I'm already trying to work out what my X will be.

Those saying that DH was putting his needs above mine in sleeping are spot on. I think this is not consciously deliberate, but it is still a a deep psychological avoidance strategy. It is hard to explain, because I don't understand it fully myself. He is a 'fixer'. If you present him with an issue he will run to find solutions. But sometimes the solution can only be useful if it is based on ther person really understanding the person vocalising the problem. In 90% of situations, it's a useful way forward, but sometimes with someone who is really hurt and upset, it is not helpful. "I've caused you pain, I will make it up to you" can feel like a trivialisation if the "I will make it up to you" doesn't really begin to scratch the surface of what is wrong. In this case, he's suggesting we put a holiday on the credit card to 'compensate' me, but that doesn't really tackle the fact that he put these other things first on his list of priorities, and that is why I am hurt. Plus, I really don't like being in debt (I am the kind of neurotic person who lies awake and worries) and I think it would be unwise with building work still ongoing.

I feel like DH can't really deal with feeling guilty. He can't actually look the consequences of his own choices in the face and say "Wow, these are having a negative impact at home". And I think he finds the very idea so psychologically uncomfortable that he will literally shut down and go to sleep rather than feeling it. I do not know what to do about this.

I absolutely agree about not waiting on FIL, this is an excellent plan. And I hear you on the assumption that requests are ridicuous too.

Stormtreader - I did poke him awake. And then I said "I can't believe you just went to sleep". And then I huffed off and put a nice CD of Mozart on to calm the fuck down, while watching Kitten TV.

""I know, we are both so exhausted - especially MEEE"

Insightful - I've actually had a bit of this first thing this morning. I am refusing to engage in Olympic Level Oneupmanship over who is the most tired!

Yes inceoir I would as well.

Women are so socialised to be nice. The last few years I’ve been actively trying to stand up for myself, to stop people walking all over me (and others) and to remain calm whilst doing it. It’s not been an easy process and I am far from perfect but looking objectively at power dynamics, language and reactions (a process I started in therapy and have been carrying on by myself) has been hugely helpful. People repeat patterns all the time and being able to break them is amazing - I’ve had a few high tension meetings at work where we have had to have awful conflict creating situations and I’ve managed to do it without outright conflict, staying calm, and maintaining respect. It’s an incredible feeling to come out of a meeting like that feeling Ok.

I hope I am always kind. I no longer always feel the panic when I’m not being nice

You can't change another person's behaviour, you can only change your own. So you don't have to do anything about your FIL's behaviour or your DH's behaviour, you can just choose not to engage with them when they behave in a way that is detrimental to you. Do you see the distinction, and how important it is in dealing with this situation?

I've read the whole thread and I can see myself 13 years ago.... You are burnt out and heading for a major nervous breakdown (the people who get them are almost always the ones who give give give). Is your GP a sympathetic person? If so could you both go to see them and get them to explain to your dh that you need a proper break? I was in hospital post breakdown when my consultant hauled dh over the coals and said I wasn't coming home again until he was sure dh realised I had the equivalent of 2 broken arms and a broken leg and could do nothing at home.

As far as the domestic labour is concerned you just need to stop doing it all. He chose to take on the stressful job against your wishes so he needs to step up to the plate or find a way to pay for help. I eventually pointed out to dh that he could behave like the chairman of ICI when he earned the same as the chairman of ICI so that I could have all the domestic help I wanted - until then he could either go find a job that paid a hell of a lot more or drop his delusions of grandeur (it felt quite good saying it too). If you are tired make yourself a sandwich at 5pm an go to bed - he can sort his own dinner out. Buy yourself a spare supply of undies and t shirts so if you are too tired to do the laundry you still have some clean clothes and he can do his own washing and ironing - he wants a clean shirt he can sort it out.

Re MIL - one lovely pp said she had the MIL from hell so she took steps not to be one. SO have your "things I won't do/say when I'm a MIL notebook" and write them down - if she asks what you are doing just say you want to remember what she said - whilst secretly laughing at her as she doesn't know why you don't want to forget.

As pps have said - no pandering to FIL - if he is too rude to come to the table when called just smile and say - I don't see why our food should go cold and tuck in (perhaps get BIL's dh lon side to support you).

Have a quiet weekend - avoid what you don't want to do and if your dh asks what is going on simply point out you tried to explain to him last night how exhausted you were and that you needed a rest this weekend and he did'nt listen - if he had he'd not be so surprised about it all.

for you but you can't let this slide or you are going to be really ill.

TBH I would book up some couples therapy sessions to help you pick apart the deeper issues because I think it may take that for him to address the real problems. An unbiased 3rd person can pull someone up on deep routed avoidance in the way a partner can't.

@Hypermice ohh, interesting, thank you re the JADE analysis

Ive reported my previous post to get it deleted, there were so many typos that even I who had typed it couldn't work out the relevance to the thread. It may be there is none 🙄

Hahaha! I'm glad it's not just me who does that finally. And I did get the point. It's easy to assume that someone being horrible is your own fault, and to start apologizing, which is internalising it. Since I am constantly apologising to FIL for no good reason, it's advice I gratefully receive.

I think counselling as a couple may be a good idea. Whatever is causing this weird shutdown is not something I can get at by myself.

A lot on OP no doubt about that. Although fairly run of the mill stuff.

I have to say I sense you’re very martyrish about what you are doing for this weekend away.