I know I'm being stupid and selfish, please help me find my big girl pants

[pigmcpigface]

Regular, but NCed. To be clear, I know I am being unreasonable, selfish and childish about this. I need you guys to talk some sense into me.

Had a hell of a six months. DH's job has been crazy, and I've been working and managing building work which has dragged on much longer than anticipated due to unforeseeable circumstances. to give you an idea, for months I was working from home, in the freezing cold, sometimes without power- in an environment that is noisy, dusty, smelly and thoroughly unpleasant to be in. Birthdays - including a major one for me - Christmas, Valentines' Day have all been cancelled as we struggle to control costs and cope financially. We've worked right through everything without having a rest. That's fine, it's what you do as adults. But I am now on my knees, constantly feeling like I'm on the edge of a major cold and tired all the time. I am also suffering from clinical depression - for various personal reasons that have to do with some bad things that happened in the past, I really struggle with upheaval in the house. I've been crying incessantly, and so I went to the GP and started treatment for this, though I suspect that it is quite circumstantial and will actually go away as the house gets back to normal.

There is finally an end in sight, but we can't afford a holiday. I have been saving up for one, but the money has been spent DH has agreed to a weekend away to celebrate his mother's 70th, and it's costing us around £600 (BIL is paying half - so the weekend is £1200 in total for 6 adults). He's also agreed to a weekend away with schoolfriends in a few weeks, at a cost of £300.

Predictably, all the organisation for MIL's birthday has fallen on me, as DH has been 'simply too busy'. I found the cottage for MIL, found and booked a place for Sunday lunch, and did the huge food shop for everyone. I baked a birthday cake (Christmas cake recipe) and later on, I will cook a meal to take down for tomorrow evening. I've also organised ingredients for BIL and his partner to cook something. I know that I should have just said 'no' to the wifework, but this is literally the only way that this weekend was going to happen for MIL so I've sucked it up. (BIL is also struggling at work).

I feel childishly resentful that this has basically eaten our budget for a holiday this Easter. I missed out on my birthday (also one of those with a '0' on the end, by the way!) because we didn't have enough money, yet we can find all this for MIL - who is domineering, bossy and patronising to me.

I fully realise this is not a MIL issue, it's a DH issue. We have spoken about not doing any more very expensive friends/family things for a while, and he has agreed that this is sensible. He has form for agreeing, then caving, but I've made it absolutely clear that this is now a red line for me. I'm pretty sure he understands how I feel abotu this.

The immediate issue is that I need to turn my mood around and deal with this with a good grace. I am absolutely dreading the weekend -
being around MIL is a thoroughly unenjoyable experience in every way because she cannot depart from a MO where she gives me life advice, incessantly. A really small, childish part of me is just wailing inside at the situation, in a way that is grossly disproportionate really. There are people on this forum with real problems, and I'm letting something as selfish as this get to me . I feel small, weak and vulnerable, like all my fierceness has somehow evaporated!

I feel like I need a good dressing down, and for someone to help me find and put on my big girl pants. I need to cope with this weekend with good grace, and then to ensure that we don't get put in this position again. Please talk some sense into me.

I guess if you are suffering from clinical depression, you dont really feel like taking on your partner or anything else for that matter.

You are all being so kind to me. I had a bit of a teary moment! I don't know why, but I've held it together through difficult builders, plasterers and joiners but some people actually being nice to me makes me sob like a baby! I do feel a bit more clear-headed for a good cry, though.

OK, so coping strategies:

• bingo/checklist of annoying things, to turn it into something amusing/light

• happy place visualisation
• 'water off a duck's back' visualisation. I need to think of an image here, but I think it would be quite powerful for me as I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about pollution/being defiled so an image of letting something just roll off and away would be helpful. I actually think just having something to detach me from the moment of feeling overwhelmed would be useful.
• writing it down. This might well work because actually, from the outside, some of it would be quite comic- the French farce comment is spot on!

Yes, I am going on the weekend. I am trying to be a grown up and to bear in mind that, while PIL are difficult, this situation is not really of their making. We could and should have said 'no'. Even though I find her very difficult, I genuinely want MIL to have a good day. You're not 70 every day, after all and just because I didn't get a big birthday doesn't mean she shouldn't either. I think if I didn't go, it would be interpreted as a snub and I am not sure her day is the right moment to do this. We need to set boundaries for the future, but the financial damage is done and the right moment to do this feels like a less personal weekned. I will, however, take a raincheck on the all-day activity. If I feel like I am coping well, I will go but if I feel fragile or teary, I will plead illness.

Sadly, the money for the schoolfriends trip away is already spent. I am invited, though I don't especially gel with the group who are going (he does have a couple of friends I do get on with like a house on fire, but they aren't coming). There is one guy who tends to dominate who wants to play games all day, and I am not a very gamey person. He is also a bit judgemental of others, in particular the couple I like - they are lovely people but have had a bit of a rocky relationship over the years, not with any major wrongdoing but just one of those life-throws-problems-at-you things). I find that a bit stressful so I am considering not going to this.

"I guess if you are suffering from clinical depression, you dont really feel like taking on your partner or anything else for that matter."

It's hard to explain. I feel two things at once, which should be contradictory but somehoe aren't. Firstly, I feel like I've slept-walked through the last 6 months, with things just happening and me having repeatedly to cope on diminishing resources. Secondly, I feel like I have made decision after decision after decision, and organised delivery after delivery, and I'm tired of that too. Those two things should contradict each other, but somehow that's not how I feel.

I have SAD so winter is a bad time for me anyway, and being cold and not having a kitchen for 4 months didn't make it any easier. I think I was naive about my own ability to cope with such a lot of upheaval; I really believed the builder when he said '12 weeks', and I should have known better.

I feel like I kind of stumbled into this whole thing, and costs have just spiralled. I haven't had the energy to tackle it. I need to do way better in future.

mmmm nice reply. Its quite normal to have contradictory things going on. Probably on balance, its best to go on the weekend.
I would suggest, rather than waiting to see if you are well enough to cope with the all day event, you make a decision now. Rather than putting yourself through the stress of inventing a headache and the tutting that will accompany said headache, wish them well on their day out and do your own thing.

That's a shame I feel so sorry for you, you deserve a break and a treat before anyone else. Does your partner like to hold an image like you aren't struggling financially? I say this as mine can be like that, we could be really struggling then someone could ask him do something and he'll agree rather than say it's not good timing financially. It's caused a lot of issues in the past. MIL sounds a nightmare too, mine also likes to tell me how everything should be including how to bring up my kids! They're are frustrating, just switch off when she's around that's what I do.

Good luck hope all works out for you 🌹

I really believed the builder when he said '12 weeks', and I should have known better.

Don't be too harsh on yourself. I knew our build would be a nightmare, but we did it anyway, and actually the things I thought would be a nightmare weren't (the build itself, dealing with the builders and other tradesmen), and the things I hadn't even really considered, were (hooking up the utilities, the 'finishing', which took fucking months, picking tiles for 3 bathrooms, a downstairs loo, a kitchen and a utility room - that nearly drove insane!). So please just be kind to yourself. Often building work is unavoidable if you want your home to be a certain way, because we all know what we want and where we want it, but it never bloody well exists, so you have no choice but to build or renovate. And I'm guessing that part of the problem this winter was the weather, which is out of everyone's hands.

Write down the annoying things - on here, so that we can all wave imaginary pompoms for you and sympathise. I've done that before (under an old name) and by the end of the evening instead of thinking "There is a real possibility I'll deck [annoying person]" I was thinking "MN are going to love this one!"

M2321 - No, it's not really about image. We are not very fancy or flash! I think it's about saying 'no', not just to PIL but to BIL. BIL is lovely, but will always run to excuse PIL. The line is always "OMG, they did WHAT? That's appalling. But they can't help it, they don't mean it, you have to forgive them." This will be the case whether it's his partner who is upset (which happens often), or us, or even him.

He was very much the instigator of this weekend - I think he would basically like the family to be more functional than it is, which is a really sweet wish but one that doesn't really engage with the dynamics of the relationships, or the "ask" that is made of other people for that to happen. I think DH needs to sit down and have a chat with him.

God op. That all sounds awful. Well done for tackling counselling for yourself.

Building work is horrendous. You're allowed to buckle under all that. It's lovely of you to want to facilitate all this niceness for other people but as the saying goes- I think you're setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. You're getting some good advice here. My tuppence worth would be have a strategy for never being in this position again. Repeat to yourself- this is the last time. Book time away over the weekend so you get time to yourself even if you have a "migraine". Do 4/7/8 breathing before sleep and when you wake up. Google it. Try and do it during the day too. It will start to have a calming effect over a couple of days. Good luck

BIL and hubs sound like lazy men. Sorry.

" you have to forgive them."

Sometimes that's the easiest thing for your own sake.

But of course as you know-the trick is to not keep going back for more!

Why is it that people often expect so little of the ones who are supposed to love & support them unconditionally?

You'd think that parents would have less leeway for bad behaviour before they're given the boot!

Hope that you find some coping strategies for the weekend Op.

"BIL and hubs sound like lazy men"

They are and they aren't. They are both working very hard at the moment, and both facing a great deal of challenges at work. However, they clearly both also expect their partners to pick up the slack when it comes to coping with the domestic consequences of their own busyness. Both BIL's partner (a man, they are gay) and I have done far more towards the weekend than either BIL or DH has, in my case in a grossly disproportionate way. It's actually reached a point where part of the reason is that I am doing so much because I don't want BIL's partner, who is an absolute trooper, to have to do a load of work yet again - I don't want to see him exploited. I feel ashamed to not pull my weight, yet BIL and DH clearly don't. I don't understand how they can do that emotionally.

Effectively, we are both allowing our partners to count on us for 'wifework' (or 'husbandwork' in his case) and throwing the ball between us, to enable them to manage big professional workloads. But we both have our own jobs and families to look after too, and with only so many hours in the day, things can slide. I would like to make my sister and my mother a fruit cake to take back when I see them (they live a long way away), but I doubt I will have time because I've been so busy baking for MIL when really that should have been DH's job.

This has to stop, along with the unaffordable expenditure on these kinds of events.

After this weekend, do you think you could do a sort of list thing on the renovation

Write down all the decisions you have made, and acknowledge the ones you got spot on and acknowledge the ones that werent right. Then read through the whole list and just take in the size of the task you took on and the fact that you have accomplished it all.

The fact that some were right and some were wrong (just assuming here as I have never met anyone who has done a renovation and got everything right) is not the main point. Its that you have made 100s of decisions and kept going with everyday life at the same time.

Then do something with a little ritual to celebrate yourself. Read through the list, then light a candle and say I am brilliant 3 times (in the privacy of your bathroom or something) etc etc. I have been through similar stuff myself and just that small thing of acknowledging to myself what I had done and thanking myself made a huge difference, more than other people thanking me or sympathising with me etc. If this is too quirky just ignore it!!!

Big hug for you OP, I'm in my 60's and have been through a lot in my life and still now I feel that one way to get through those difficult times is to take a deep breath and tell yourself "This too will pass" because you just can't lie down and howl at what you are trying to cope with.

Lets face it life and all its difficulties is pretty relentless, but those difficulties do educate us make us more tolerant and empathetic to others and I try not to be bitter.
I had the worlds worst MIL and now I really strive to be the worlds best. DH worked 7 days a week(self employed) for 29 weeks when I was trying to cope with four under fives. I've lived in a building site for 3 years etc etc. I've survived and so will you.

You've done the hard work for the weekend, various PP's have suggested coping strategies, and you recognise that others have difficulties , your DH, your BIL, just relax, and try to enjoy at least some of it. And while you are at it plan that wonderful holiday you are going on at some indeterminate time in the future !

Good Luck

There is a projected celebration for the PIL wedding anniversary next year that looks like it will be equally expensive (if not more so), and I am minded to put some boundaries in place NOW to limit the cost.

Just picking up on this. If PIL want to celebrate a big anniversary, they need to organise and pay for it. Not their DC.

for the weekend away.

I think you and your BIL's partner need to join forces to cope wih the weekend. Make eye contact every time a bingo word comes up, call each other to 'help' wih something in the kitchen whenever you ned to walk out before you scream or cry, etc.

"I had the worlds worst MIL and now I really strive to be the worlds best."

You sound so lovely. I really like the idea of treating it all as an experience in how not to be. God knows, I'm not a saint who is perfect and selfless in every way.

Thinking about it, part of the whole weekend - part of the reason BIL feels responsible for organising stuff like this - is that FIL is comprehensively useless. He is literally one of the most selfish men you will ever meet, though he maintains a veneer of self-effacement. (He won't ask others to pass the butter at breakfast, he'll sit there looking plaintive and hard done by, eating dry toast and being the martyr, then when you notice amidst the bustle of serving 8 people and ask him if he wants some butter he will say 'Oh, are you sure that is OK? It's very good of you'. He's basically the king of passive-aggressive).

When he was 70, MIL arranged a celebration and we all paid a third. Now MIL is 70, he has done absolutely nothing towards helping organise this, and hasn't offered to pay a share. It means that the celebration for MIL is 'less' than it was for him, because we're down several hundred quid on the kitty.

The irony is that I now see (as of literally 5 minutes ago) that there are elements of his behaviour in the way DH and BIL shift responsibility for the grunt work of these events, while there is simultaneously still a lot of fear of him in their inability to tackle him on his poor show as a husband.

Your FIL sounds bloody draining. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from being sarcastic in return. My MIL does that sort of PA ‘if it’s not too much trouble’ bit and it’s hard not to laugh at her ridiculous act sometimes.

There is a free meditation site that I use, it won’t suit everyone, it gives my husband a fit a giggles, and believe me that doesn’t happen often.
But if you can get past that, they do a white light protection meditation, where you imagine yourself protected inside a ball of white light. When I have had difficult work situations to deal with I use this in the morning, then listen again at lunch time. I find it really helpful ,but I am a bit of an old hippy, apparently! Try to Listen to this a few times before going so that you have it readily available in your head to draw on. And again every morning to top up.
www.thehonestguys.co.uk/what-we-do#
Their meditations are all on uTube linked from that website.

Also, does your BiLs partner get similar treatment from MiL? If so then you can take comfort from not being the only one. Feel as though the four of you, or even you and BiLs partner are united in the knowledge that they (the parents in law) are the odd ones.

Can you have some pre arranged signal with husband for when you are getting towards the end of your tether so that he can step in and suggest a walk, or visit to somewhere or engineer a need for a quick supermarket visit.

Keep concentrating on it only being two days, and focus on what you want to do after the weekend.

Oh bless you OP, you are NOT being stupid or selfish at all. You've been through a tough time coping with the house and it sounds like your DH has taken no responsibility for any of it. Nor are you being unreasonable to be miffed that you are having another pile of work dumped on you for MiL's birthday when you didn't even get to celebrate your own special birthday. Make it the last time they do this - you know what MN says - NO is a complete sentence.

I really hope you can find the strength to get through this and then start saving a bit of money if you're able to give yourself a big treat - you absolutely deserve it.

As for dealing with MiL's 'life advice' I read a book years ago which taught me a technique which I still use it today. Basically the idea is that you don't allow other people's negativity or unwanted comments to remain in your mind - you need to visualise it being written on a piece of paper which you screw up into a tight ball and being thrown with force from your mind. It takes a bit of practice but it does work.

Lastly, you really need to have words with your DH and he needs to step up to ensure you are his priority, not his family.

I hope you survive the event and wish you all the best.

They sounds truly horrible-I’m not sure why you have worked so hard to make it nice. I’m afraid I wouldn't have lifted a finger and left it to DH!

I am absolutely boggling at how little of a shit your DH seems to give about your and your wellbeing and how much you're willing to take that. You don't deserve this nonsense and as long as you think you do, you're never really going to get well. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth believe me.

Hi OP,

You might like to google the Leaves on a Stream mindfulness exercise. I find it really helpful when I have overwhelming thoughts.

You picture a gentle stream and there are leaves floating down the stream. Every time you have unhelpful thoughts imagine placing the thought on a leaf and imagine it just floating gently away.

This might be something else that will help you get through the weekend.

Inseoir - I know you are right. I talk about this with my counsellor a lot. She tells me to imagine that I have a beautiful garden in front of my house, but that people are lobbing rubbish into it. Do I sit and take the rubbish? Or do I gather it up and quietly put it out of my garden again? I think it's a bit like SilverySurfer's idea of screwing up paper and throwing it away, but with the idea that I am entitled to a space on the earth, a little bit of room for me. (I think the Leaves on a Stream thing is a gentler version of the same thing, maybe? Not sure?)

I wasn't very loved growing up, and I often don't feel I deserve love or care now. I have tended to have relationships that have been very one-sided as a result of simply not expecting anything more.

A few years ago, DH took a career decision to pursue one of his goals. I didn't really want him to do it, because I knew it would mean a fearsome workload which would leave a vacuum at home, but he pursued it anyway. I think I've spent the time since basically picking up all the things he now can't do, to the detriment of my own work/life balance. I haven't really thought about this consciously before now. I'm really fed up of coming last.

" It means that the celebration for MIL is 'less' than it was for him, because we're down several hundred quid on the kitty.

The irony is that I now see (as of literally 5 minutes ago) that there are elements of his behaviour in the way DH and BIL shift responsibility for the grunt work of these events, while there is simultaneously still a lot of fear of him in their inability to tackle him on his poor show as a husband"

I'm glad that you see this because it was blaring out to me with trumpets. Your husband is also doing the same as him in regards to special events, did you spot that as well? When its your husband who has the big 70th birthday wants the friends holiday, theres money to do it and everyone pitches in, when its YOUR big birthday/holiday, theres "no money left" and you get something lesser, or nothing at all.