I know I'm being stupid and selfish, please help me find my big girl pants

[pigmcpigface]

Regular, but NCed. To be clear, I know I am being unreasonable, selfish and childish about this. I need you guys to talk some sense into me.

Had a hell of a six months. DH's job has been crazy, and I've been working and managing building work which has dragged on much longer than anticipated due to unforeseeable circumstances. to give you an idea, for months I was working from home, in the freezing cold, sometimes without power- in an environment that is noisy, dusty, smelly and thoroughly unpleasant to be in. Birthdays - including a major one for me - Christmas, Valentines' Day have all been cancelled as we struggle to control costs and cope financially. We've worked right through everything without having a rest. That's fine, it's what you do as adults. But I am now on my knees, constantly feeling like I'm on the edge of a major cold and tired all the time. I am also suffering from clinical depression - for various personal reasons that have to do with some bad things that happened in the past, I really struggle with upheaval in the house. I've been crying incessantly, and so I went to the GP and started treatment for this, though I suspect that it is quite circumstantial and will actually go away as the house gets back to normal.

There is finally an end in sight, but we can't afford a holiday. I have been saving up for one, but the money has been spent DH has agreed to a weekend away to celebrate his mother's 70th, and it's costing us around £600 (BIL is paying half - so the weekend is £1200 in total for 6 adults). He's also agreed to a weekend away with schoolfriends in a few weeks, at a cost of £300.

Predictably, all the organisation for MIL's birthday has fallen on me, as DH has been 'simply too busy'. I found the cottage for MIL, found and booked a place for Sunday lunch, and did the huge food shop for everyone. I baked a birthday cake (Christmas cake recipe) and later on, I will cook a meal to take down for tomorrow evening. I've also organised ingredients for BIL and his partner to cook something. I know that I should have just said 'no' to the wifework, but this is literally the only way that this weekend was going to happen for MIL so I've sucked it up. (BIL is also struggling at work).

I feel childishly resentful that this has basically eaten our budget for a holiday this Easter. I missed out on my birthday (also one of those with a '0' on the end, by the way!) because we didn't have enough money, yet we can find all this for MIL - who is domineering, bossy and patronising to me.

I fully realise this is not a MIL issue, it's a DH issue. We have spoken about not doing any more very expensive friends/family things for a while, and he has agreed that this is sensible. He has form for agreeing, then caving, but I've made it absolutely clear that this is now a red line for me. I'm pretty sure he understands how I feel abotu this.

The immediate issue is that I need to turn my mood around and deal with this with a good grace. I am absolutely dreading the weekend -
being around MIL is a thoroughly unenjoyable experience in every way because she cannot depart from a MO where she gives me life advice, incessantly. A really small, childish part of me is just wailing inside at the situation, in a way that is grossly disproportionate really. There are people on this forum with real problems, and I'm letting something as selfish as this get to me . I feel small, weak and vulnerable, like all my fierceness has somehow evaporated!

I feel like I need a good dressing down, and for someone to help me find and put on my big girl pants. I need to cope with this weekend with good grace, and then to ensure that we don't get put in this position again. Please talk some sense into me.

Just sending a hug. You sound overstretched and exhausted and need a bit of looking after x you're not remotely unreasonable.

Oh and get your vitamin D levels checked.
Vital if you suffer from SAD.

It sounds like he is fighting his corner, and you are fighting for both of you 50/50. That ends up leaving him with 3/4 and you with 1/4.
You need to start with "this is what I want" and then both of you settling on whats fair, rather than you STARTING with "this is what seems fair" and then both settling on you getting half of that.

Perhaps you need to tell DH tonight that he needs to treat you like the Queen this weekend for everything you have done for him and his family and you are at the utter end of your tether with you he treats you and how your needs are never prioritised.

I don't mean in an upstage MIL way just that he needs to have your back and carry the load from now on

"he has to be cajoled off his ipad to the table"

What?! I would be calling over every 10 minutes or so "you might want to come over soon, its getting cold!" and that would be the start and end of my involvement. What would happen if everyone just....didnt? Just put his dinner in the fridge "for later" and got on with their food?

OP you sound so worn out.
I think you have to learn to put your needs, emotional and physical ahead of others and let them know enough is enough . I feel that you are doing this thing for your MIL , as this is how you would like to be treated - with care and thought.

re FIL - tbh I would leave him on his ipad . Say meal is ready. Give a reasonable time for him to get to the table , then plate up a meal for him if he doesn't turn up and leave him to it . He's not a sulky teenager, he's a grown up , so let him decide if he's hungry enough . ( would cause a lot of ruction I suspect though maybe worth it in the long run) .

op.
You sound lovely.
Your DH sounds horrible and selfish. I would have no time for his shit.
He needs to shape up or ship out because you are worth so so much more than this.

You have been coping with disruption at home with no support from DH. Financial problems and finding the time to organise this celebration for your MIL has also fallen on you so I am not surprised you are feeling low and exhausted.

I think when your building work is finished you may feel a lot better but you also need to talk to DH about taking you for granted and leaving you to deal with everything. I understand what you say about not wanting to overload your BIL partner but that is not your responsibility. It is a celebration for your MIL and it is your DH and BIL who should have organised it. I wonder if it would have even happened had you and the BIL partner refused to do it.

I think making your opinions and feelings clear is paramount particularly to your DH. You need and want a holiday and have saved for it but now the money is going to a boys weekend for DH and a celebration for your MIL who you do not really get on with. I think enough is enough and you need to put your foot firmly down. If your DH wont go on holiday with you do you have a friend or can you go with your sister? How about a few days away at your mums?

I think you need to treat yourself with a bit more respect and not pander to your DH and his family. All that nonsense with his dad could easily be avoided by just serving up meals and they get what they are given and leave what they don't want. Don't make things hard for yourself and make those lazy men help.

I wouldn't be doing that at all. It's one call of "dinner is ready" and that's it.

You're cooking his meals and he just sits there messing around on a tablet, then you have to wait while he gets his drinks and then you offer him everything individually rather than making him choose himself like a normal person.

Stop doing it. 10 minutes before food is plated up, you say "time to come and sort your drinks" then when it's on the table you say "dinner is on the table". That's it. If he doesn't come then fuck him

sorry but that stupid old of a FIL doesnt sound one bit funny. Is he some kind of minor aristocrat? Does he know anything of a world where people dont have wine and beer with their luke warm food?

I wish you luck on your weekend and hope things improve for you.

As for the food lay out, can’t it be set up buffet style on a separate table? That was everyone gets their own plate and it cuts out more work for one and less sulk from FIL.

God god woman, the pandering would finish me off!!

Plate up, dig in FIL!

“When 2 are served ALL may eat” and just crack on!

Fil sounds absolutely slummy!

Do NOT wait for a person of any description who is uncouth enough not to get his snout off the iPad

can he cook? can he drive to a take away?

Everyone is focusing on this PIL weekend but then the DH gets another week away with friends? Fuck that. He cancels and takes you somewhere nice. Not all the cake is for him.

Well for a start I'd be telling DH that he can't go his mates weekend that the £300 is being spent on a weekend away for the two of you.

All this! I would be telling him the mate weekend is off.

I hope everything goes well, Op, and you manage to avoid MIL!

@Inseoir Your 4 points are wonderful. I've copied them down and, while I know they're for Op, I will be reading them regularly for myself. Thank you.

Sorry, Op! When I wrote my previous advice, it was based on 3 pages not 5 by the time I finished!! But I still hope everything goes well and you can have some rest time to yourself.

What a horrible time you've had recently. Sounds like there is light at the end of the tunnel soon though. The feeling of being trapped in unwanted family and in law settings - often while being depressed but no one else is aware - is very familiar to me. My tool box includes; telling people I have a physical illness (bad back, head ache, migraine coming on, period pain) and that I need to sleep. Good eye drops to face the room if a strategic cry has been needed. A mantra to say to myself and help me breath and feel less tense at boiling point moments. Book/iPad. Writing down my thoughts several times a day if needed on my phone notes, I call this a head sick as it feels better out than swirling about inside! And secret gin/wine/snacks for me only. Good luck, this is nothing compared to what you've done the last few months, you can do it. Then never do this kind of thing again...

I seem to remember the mates' weekend is already paid for so that ship has sailed.

Your FiL sounds a bloody nightmare, OP. Let his family take the meal time stress of him while you and BiL's partner enjoy yourselves.

Re the weekend - I cope with my m’n’law by lowering my expectations. I don’t expect her to behave rationally so I am not disappointed. I also tread a line where I am never rude, but I engage as little as possible. I’ll ask her how she is when she walks in the door - but I won’t ask her to elaborate on what she is doing that week etc - and I offer limited information about my life ie - I try and give yes and no answers whereever possible without elaborating as then there is less opportunity for her to make comments on what I have said.
I’m sorry your life is stressful - while I do get the 70 party thing - I don’t get how you have had to miss out on a birthday celebration but your hubby can find £300 to spend with friends.
Also, going forward you need to stop stepping in to do things for your m’n’law that are really your hubby’s responsibility if you don’t like her. It’s natural to feel resentful if you don’t feel valued or appreciated, and then it’s harder to manage your emotions around this person. I used to do all the family things, birthday cards and presents, lunches, holidays etc. After 17-18 years of it I stopped and told my hubby I was not going to do it anymore and it’s his job. He’s very understanding as he know I have tried with his mother, so he never complained about getting the responsibility back for this. But as expected he doesn’t really do much. In some regards she has lost out a lot as she went from coming on lovely holidays with us to nothing. But in some ways she has gained something much more valuable - since I’ve stepped back and won’t visit her (I don’t stop her visiting us), my hubby has visited her more and I think their relationship is the best I have ever seen it which is lovely for both of them.
Look after yourself.

My FIL, God rest him, was deep in a book when Sunday lunch was called. After being called again, his plate was put down for the dog. That was in 1959. He died after a long and happy life with MIL, and he never missed another meal.

Just wanted to say thank you so much for all your support and especially for your kindness.

I've been very lucky on this thread. I've had some excellent advice, which I shall be putting into practice in just a few hours time, but I also feel fortified in terms of tackling the longer term issues here. Thank you all for taking rh the time and for giving me such thought provoking answers.

I had a word with DH last night about it all, about 8pm. I said that I really didn't feel like the division of labour was fair and that it had to stop. Unfortunately he fell asleep half way through my big speech. Yes, really. I know he is tired but it felt just awful. I was literally not being heard. To be fair, he is shattered so I didn't pick my moment well. I am going to let him recover over the weekend and then try again. This morning he is very apologetic, saying he is just exhausted (which is true). But he chose this life, this career path, and while I have sympathy, it is a bit limited by the fact that, yet again, I am the one dealing with the negative side effects of his "success".

Bollocks did he fall asleep. What an utter fuckwit. I can't believe you stood for that sort of behaviour, it's the sort of thing a 5 year old would pull. He has no respect for you whatsoever and thinks if he stalls you long enough with enough ridiculous tactics you'll give up.

I wouldn't go for any more long speeches. Write down what you have to say and give it to him and tell him directly that he will not wipe his feet on your face any longer. That's all that needs to be said.

Well done on raising it with DH - honestly if you’re both so exhausted then some major things need to change, and that may include his career choices. This isn’t sustainable!

Good luck for the weekend.

Thank you for the update (that's another great thing about you. You keep in touch, provide updates and that summary of the techniques you put together was masterly. )

How does DH like to take in information? Would a letter which he could read and inwardly digest be helpful or maybe too overwhelming for him?