I know I'm being stupid and selfish, please help me find my big girl pants

[pigmcpigface]

Regular, but NCed. To be clear, I know I am being unreasonable, selfish and childish about this. I need you guys to talk some sense into me.

Had a hell of a six months. DH's job has been crazy, and I've been working and managing building work which has dragged on much longer than anticipated due to unforeseeable circumstances. to give you an idea, for months I was working from home, in the freezing cold, sometimes without power- in an environment that is noisy, dusty, smelly and thoroughly unpleasant to be in. Birthdays - including a major one for me - Christmas, Valentines' Day have all been cancelled as we struggle to control costs and cope financially. We've worked right through everything without having a rest. That's fine, it's what you do as adults. But I am now on my knees, constantly feeling like I'm on the edge of a major cold and tired all the time. I am also suffering from clinical depression - for various personal reasons that have to do with some bad things that happened in the past, I really struggle with upheaval in the house. I've been crying incessantly, and so I went to the GP and started treatment for this, though I suspect that it is quite circumstantial and will actually go away as the house gets back to normal.

There is finally an end in sight, but we can't afford a holiday. I have been saving up for one, but the money has been spent DH has agreed to a weekend away to celebrate his mother's 70th, and it's costing us around £600 (BIL is paying half - so the weekend is £1200 in total for 6 adults). He's also agreed to a weekend away with schoolfriends in a few weeks, at a cost of £300.

Predictably, all the organisation for MIL's birthday has fallen on me, as DH has been 'simply too busy'. I found the cottage for MIL, found and booked a place for Sunday lunch, and did the huge food shop for everyone. I baked a birthday cake (Christmas cake recipe) and later on, I will cook a meal to take down for tomorrow evening. I've also organised ingredients for BIL and his partner to cook something. I know that I should have just said 'no' to the wifework, but this is literally the only way that this weekend was going to happen for MIL so I've sucked it up. (BIL is also struggling at work).

I feel childishly resentful that this has basically eaten our budget for a holiday this Easter. I missed out on my birthday (also one of those with a '0' on the end, by the way!) because we didn't have enough money, yet we can find all this for MIL - who is domineering, bossy and patronising to me.

I fully realise this is not a MIL issue, it's a DH issue. We have spoken about not doing any more very expensive friends/family things for a while, and he has agreed that this is sensible. He has form for agreeing, then caving, but I've made it absolutely clear that this is now a red line for me. I'm pretty sure he understands how I feel abotu this.

The immediate issue is that I need to turn my mood around and deal with this with a good grace. I am absolutely dreading the weekend -
being around MIL is a thoroughly unenjoyable experience in every way because she cannot depart from a MO where she gives me life advice, incessantly. A really small, childish part of me is just wailing inside at the situation, in a way that is grossly disproportionate really. There are people on this forum with real problems, and I'm letting something as selfish as this get to me . I feel small, weak and vulnerable, like all my fierceness has somehow evaporated!

I feel like I need a good dressing down, and for someone to help me find and put on my big girl pants. I need to cope with this weekend with good grace, and then to ensure that we don't get put in this position again. Please talk some sense into me.

((Hug))

Does you husband even appreciate how much time & effort you have put into this weekend?

I’m glad you’ve seen the light and have put your foot down about this being the last time. However, given you’re already considering putting boundaries in place re the PILs next big event, I’m sensing you don’t think your DH has totally taken it on board?!

I’m not surprised you’re feeling run down, depressed, pissed off and upset. You’ve got a lot going on, your DH is being somewhere between thoughtless and a complete wanker and you’ve been stuck in a cold bloody house all winter. Then on top of that, after your own significant Birthday was ignored, you’ve arranged the 3nture bloody weekend for 6 adults for a woman who treats you like shit....

So, from a distance I can tell you what I’d do now - which is very different from when I was in the middle of it! 😖 I’d take plenty of wine & chocolate (separate to the group food), with a very nice glass (it tastes better & the experience is nicer), tea/coffee, a nice mug & some biscuits.

I’d take my iPad, a book and whatever else you like relaxing with.

I’d tell my DH that I plan on spending some of time relaxing & sleeping and he’s to either come & relax with me, irvto stay away, but he is not to badger about joining the others.

Then I’d take my ‘slap on a smile & ignore the stupid cow’ attitude, because I wouldn’t want to spoil it for myself after putting in so much bloody effort.

When we got home I’d be reminding DH that it was the last time it would ever be happening.

You can do it, just remember, you don’t ever have to do it again.

Given what you've said I would definitely have a sudden bout of D&V or something similar.

Don't go.

Lots of us have said that. You desperately don't want to go. It will be bad for your MH. Yet you haven't responded to the idea of not going even though it is the mind numbingly obvious choice. Are you very very scared of something?

I've found writing can help. Make notes on what she says in a little notebook you can keep near you. The act of writing can separate you from the emotional impact of the words if you see what I mean. You could do it openly as in; "That's such a good idea MIL, I'm going to jot that down in case I forget." or flit off to do it in secret.

Turn her into a study so you're not analysing yourself and your alleged failings, you're analysing her behaviour or researching her type of character for the novel you're going to write. It will take practice but your reaction could start being; "Why does she say that?" instead of; "That makes me feel really shit."

Do you really have to go this weekend? Could you spend it with your family or friends instead?

In your shoes I would honestly just say you are ill and exhausted and can’t do it.

I cross posted with several of your posts.

We used to stay with PIL for a longer time, and I would be really struggling psychologically by day 3 - feeling trapped, claustrophobic, having panic attacks, even suicidal thoughts. (It's not just me either - DH actually vomits)

WTAF?

It’s so bad your DH actually vomits but you still see them, let alone organise big treats for them?

You need more counselling and so does your DH 💐

There’s a lot to be said for understanding where certain feelings come from and being in control of them, however part of that is understanding you are now an adult and you don’t have to put yourself in situations with fucking awful people.

Arrange to meet a friend for coffee ASAP after you get back, offload the stress, then go for a massage. (Book it before the weekend). Then go home and calmly tell your husband you are not, no matter what, organising anyone else's celebrations agaiin - you've done your time. Then stick to it! You sound lovely - lots of deep breathing and find time to yourself over the weekend wherever you can!

Great advice above! Yes, take your own nice little treats and actually I would urge you to either bow out of the full-day activity (a migraine is indeed a great excuse!), or make sure you take your own car and leave after lunch to return alone for a few hours on your own to relax. As you've paid for this cottage you might as well enjoy it - and preferably without your horrible MIL harping on in another room.

{{{{{hug}}}} , glass of and a warm bath are exactly what you need, with a side order of not being so hard on yourself. Even just in your own head, and when you write or speak about yourself, no more of that harshness. Being kind to yourself is a really worthy goal, stretching but achievable.

Lots of people need to be less selfish and kinder to others, you, my dear @pigmcpigface really do need to be kinder to yourself starting now. How about finding a less harsh username, as a mark of your determination?

Anything you go to do, anytime, as yourself 'am i being kind to myself' Beware of that voice which is so strong in your head that everyone else deserves it more than you. Be kind to yourself. Absolutely draw a line after this week, find yourself some support to avoid these ghastly people. Inform yourself about the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that both you, and possibly DH, too are currently lost in.

Meanwhile, the weekend... YY to long walks and baths, anything to get yourself physically away. When you can't do that, take yourself away mentally. It sounds silly but find your 'happy place' and go there in your mind. Keep just enough awareness of the other people around you, nod and smile a bit but the trick is to remind yourself you are now being kind to yourself and not taking on their shit. Practise thinking up a really, really vivid image that means 'water off a duck's back' to you. It could be the gleam of dark greeny/blue glistening as water pours over a duck's head (for some reason the picture i keep seeing is of a ducks head, with water flowing over it), you just need to find one, any one, that works for you. Something a little outrageous is easier until you get the hang of it..

Don't listen very attentively to your MiL, and hug to yourself the knowledge that her thoughts are just flowing over you the way water flows....

If she tries to get your attention, as she undoubtedly will try, give a little start, smile and then go back to your thoughts. You know, she can't really control your thoughts, only you can do that. All the very best

I know I’m being stupid & selfish

No, you’re not.

You’re really, really, not.

How we are treat as children really makes us who we are, good or bad. It’s very hard to change your thoughts & beliefs because they’re so deeply ingrained. The first step is accepting that things need to change.

Your DH vomits when he has to spend time with his family? Yet he still bends over backwards for their approval? His FOG is the issue here, and there’s very little you can do about that except maintain healthy boundaries for yourself with them. Go for the weekend and try to make the best of it but don’t be running around after them all like a skivvy, you’ve done more than enough already!

are you seeing a counsellor at the moment? Find a really good one and make an appointment now.
Why are you people pleasing when you are on your knees?

It looks like you've been put in the position of family skivvy OP.
Your in laws are your equals, you don't have to run yourself in to
the ground to show them you're worthy.
One think your DH can do this weekend (I'd insist on if I was you)
is to to big you up with a toast from the family for all your hard work
and good grace in organising the birthday do.

Over the weekend could you absent yourself mentally - pretend you're in a French farce or something with a script to thank mil for her pearls
of wisdom while thinking in your head of cutting ripostes.

Are any children part of this because what you are modeling is not healthy. Been throughtthis myself, hence the tough sounding advice.

So this school friend holiday are you invited?

Or have you bypassed all your celebrations to cater to other people. Because if that's the case you are actually not being unreasonable!

you ve been saving up for a holiday but the money is being used to fund an expensive weekend for somebody neither of you like? And you have organised the weekend???

Please don't go. You'll make yourself ill with the worry of it all. And it really, really sounds like you need a break. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

You need sympathy, not a lecture. This sounds awful and I'm so sorry. Take time this weekend if you need it - your DH and BIL can entertain their mother if you need an hour to yourself now and then. It sounds like you've had a huge burden to bear and you're obviously hugely strong to have managed!

The last few months sound dreadful and clearly this weekend is the icing on the cake. Whatever anyone says, you're stuck with going.

Great suggestions about disengaging from it, taking things that give you pleasure and limiting the time you spend with them all. What's really important is the way forward. Make it clear to all the siblings that you've done your share this time, next year's anniversary is their baby and there's a financial limit. Then refuse to discuss it any further.

You obviously need a holiday. I'd make it clear to your husband that, unless he discusses and plans this with you, you'll book yourself a week away and leave him behind with the children. That should concentrate his mind!

Don't go on the weekend. If you do go, spend the time planning a late celebration for your own birthday!

Far from being selfish, you are not being selfish enough! Your MH is already poor, the very last thing you need is enforced proximity to people who make it worse. Conversely I do agree that you are, if not being childish, responding in a child like manner - parents (in law) say jump you and your dh say yes ma'am/yes sir.

Toxic In Laws and Toxic Parents by Susan Forward may be helpful for you and your dh respectively.

I've often found that 'please excuse me' and walk away with no explanation deals with most situations quite well, I would also walk out of an activity if I was being insulted/belittled 'that was uncalled for, I don't have to stay and listen to this' ought to suffice.

You poor thing.

So clearly you need to go, because not going would potentially just cause you more grief right now, so onto coping strategies

The booked event with all of you close together, dont go to that, stay at the house and pull a sickie or something. Then do something nice for yourself. If you think it would help, prime DH, if you dont think he would help, blindside him.

For the rest of the time, maybe take a journal and write a list of all the topics you think she will kick off about, then jot down some comment you think might trott out of her mouth “oh you should always bla blah”, “we always bla blah when I was your age”. Then as she is whittering away, mentally check them off your list and give each conversation (rant) marks out of 10 for annoyingness, typical MILness or novelty. At the end of the day, tick things off in your journal, do the scores on the doors etc and award yourself a truffle or yummy treat for each one you correctly predicted.

You might find turning her horridness into a game takes some of the sting out.

Everyone is focusing on this PIL weekend but then the DH gets another week away with friends? Fuck that. He cancels and takes you somewhere nice. Not all the cake is for him.

I think the OP needs proper professional help ASAP. An appointment with the GP and an appointment with a reputable counsellor.

Well for a start I'd be telling DH that he can't go his mates weekend that the £300 is being spent on a weekend away for the two of you. And I'd be laying the ground rules regarding not agreeing to expensive weekends away with consulting you. Stop doing anything else to facilitate this weekend. You've done more than your share already

I'm with SeaToSKi that you clearly need to go as otherwise there could be a whole different amount of grief to cope with. Plus you've done all the week - presumably in part because the BiL thinks he is doing his bit by paying half and so you and supposedly your DH were doing what you could by organising but instead its fallen all to you. You've done the work though and hopefully you have picked menus etc that you will like. You also sound as if you do need company this weekend and I'm really not sure that staying on your own is what you need right now and so unless there is someone else who could be with you I think you might be better off going. I'd definitely try and think how you can do something nice for yourself - and decide whether you want this alone or by insisting that your DH comes too. Might mean spending more money but perhaps you could stretch to meal out whilst the BiL cooks for the other 4. Late celebration of all the things you've missed celebrating. I'm quite struck by the fact that you've described lots of events as simply cancelled - do you really mean that you just as couple blew through them and didn't acknowledge them? There are so many cheap if not free ways you could have enjoyed them but it does sound very sad that you didn't. You've talked about counselling but do you need more help as a couple. I think you do need to talk through with someone how you have been manipulated into a situation whereby you were in control by doing all the booking and planning and yet have eaten away at the money for your holiday etc. Why could you not control the costs? It's really tricky because we are in a poor financial situation but few people would realise it and we've made what would seem like poor choices externally e.g to go on a weekend away with friends because you are put on the spot to make a decision whereas your own holiday you have to book. We knew we shouldn't - by any maths about the money - have gone. We did but we were able to enjoy it. Sorry if I've missed it but are you going? Hopefully it helps that everyone gets why you are feeling resentful. My fingers are crossed that you manage to salvage something this weekend.