I know I'm being stupid and selfish, please help me find my big girl pants

[pigmcpigface]

Regular, but NCed. To be clear, I know I am being unreasonable, selfish and childish about this. I need you guys to talk some sense into me.

Had a hell of a six months. DH's job has been crazy, and I've been working and managing building work which has dragged on much longer than anticipated due to unforeseeable circumstances. to give you an idea, for months I was working from home, in the freezing cold, sometimes without power- in an environment that is noisy, dusty, smelly and thoroughly unpleasant to be in. Birthdays - including a major one for me - Christmas, Valentines' Day have all been cancelled as we struggle to control costs and cope financially. We've worked right through everything without having a rest. That's fine, it's what you do as adults. But I am now on my knees, constantly feeling like I'm on the edge of a major cold and tired all the time. I am also suffering from clinical depression - for various personal reasons that have to do with some bad things that happened in the past, I really struggle with upheaval in the house. I've been crying incessantly, and so I went to the GP and started treatment for this, though I suspect that it is quite circumstantial and will actually go away as the house gets back to normal.

There is finally an end in sight, but we can't afford a holiday. I have been saving up for one, but the money has been spent DH has agreed to a weekend away to celebrate his mother's 70th, and it's costing us around £600 (BIL is paying half - so the weekend is £1200 in total for 6 adults). He's also agreed to a weekend away with schoolfriends in a few weeks, at a cost of £300.

Predictably, all the organisation for MIL's birthday has fallen on me, as DH has been 'simply too busy'. I found the cottage for MIL, found and booked a place for Sunday lunch, and did the huge food shop for everyone. I baked a birthday cake (Christmas cake recipe) and later on, I will cook a meal to take down for tomorrow evening. I've also organised ingredients for BIL and his partner to cook something. I know that I should have just said 'no' to the wifework, but this is literally the only way that this weekend was going to happen for MIL so I've sucked it up. (BIL is also struggling at work).

I feel childishly resentful that this has basically eaten our budget for a holiday this Easter. I missed out on my birthday (also one of those with a '0' on the end, by the way!) because we didn't have enough money, yet we can find all this for MIL - who is domineering, bossy and patronising to me.

I fully realise this is not a MIL issue, it's a DH issue. We have spoken about not doing any more very expensive friends/family things for a while, and he has agreed that this is sensible. He has form for agreeing, then caving, but I've made it absolutely clear that this is now a red line for me. I'm pretty sure he understands how I feel abotu this.

The immediate issue is that I need to turn my mood around and deal with this with a good grace. I am absolutely dreading the weekend -
being around MIL is a thoroughly unenjoyable experience in every way because she cannot depart from a MO where she gives me life advice, incessantly. A really small, childish part of me is just wailing inside at the situation, in a way that is grossly disproportionate really. There are people on this forum with real problems, and I'm letting something as selfish as this get to me . I feel small, weak and vulnerable, like all my fierceness has somehow evaporated!

I feel like I need a good dressing down, and for someone to help me find and put on my big girl pants. I need to cope with this weekend with good grace, and then to ensure that we don't get put in this position again. Please talk some sense into me.

Stormtreader you are right.

I am partly responsible though. I mean, we were running out of building work money so we sat down to talk about it and I said "Look, it's fine, let's cancel my birthday celebrations. It's more important the house is right. I'll have a concrete screed poured, that will be exciting enough". (Yes, I really did say that, I realise how stupid it sounds).

But here's the thing - it's not about the big money celebrations. It would have been lovely to do something significant, but finances didn't allow. C'est la vie, there are worse problems. But we could have spent a nice day together, gone for a walk, watched a movie.
But instead DH 'had' to go to work because there was an important meeting. To be clear, this wasn't a one-off meeting that was vital, it's a regular committee that happens every couple of months. Some important people attend, but it's not a forum for major decisions or anything. I don't honestly think it would have hurt him to miss it.

And I would honestly have expected him to put a holiday for us first, given everything that has happened.

I guess my question is this: to what extent would you wonderful women expect to be put first as a matter of course, versus having to have a conversation/clarify that a holiday should be the financial priority in the circumstances? (I guess another way of putting this is: how much of this is my own fault? I think possibly quite a lot).

My God, massive hugs for you! In answer to your recent question, anything that impacts the other partner should be discussed with them. Ie getting their opinion and view should be put first every time. You and he might not end up agreeing but it should be a dialog. And if that's not happening, it's not your fault at all - it's very very easy for things to slide into an unhealthy dynamic. The thing to do now is talk to your DH about what needs to change. As to visualisations for when MIL is spouting on and on, you could try imagining a lovely cleansing shower that just happens to also be washing her away down the plughole :)

Usually, people need to take more responsibility for their actions, but you are the second person I have read about on MN who started a thread with an acknowledgement of their weaknesses, only for the thread to unfold to show that they were surrounded by people who 'fall below the standard for decent human beings'.

As for your question about how much is your own fault, i am not sure how helpful it is, to play the 'blame game'. What matters about any decision / negotiation is that both parties are satisfied with what they get: neither will get everything they wanted, but both get something. I think that you have expressed yourself satisfied by a less than fair division, over and over again. On occasion this can if course be fine, but it is not sustainable in the longer term. Some partners may notice themselves that it is not fair, others might have been trained in their own family to almost expect this.

It might be worth holding your position a bit longer, not being quite so quick to please and give up all that you want. For example, instead of rushing in to give up your birthday celebration, how would it have been if you provided a counter offer. Ok, no big party, but a walk in a forest followed by a pub lunch, just the two of us, on my actual birthday. I suspect that time and attention would have been very welcome, no matter how little the cost in £££s. The time to negotiate is before the celebration is cancelled.

Have you had a chance to google FOG, fear, obligation and guilt? I think it suits your DH very much to have someone so willing to sacrifice their own pleasure. As is beginning to be come clear, it is a dynamic with which he might be familiar. No doubt DMiL has learned to rely on her sons instead of FiL. Getting him to see this dynamic would be in my view, the first step in allowing him to struggle free from it.

Just my tuppence worth

Oh good grief OP.
You have so much on at the moment it's hardly surprising you at breaking point.
You are doing so well to keep going.
I'd have screamed like a banshee at the lot of them by now and told them all to sort it out.

Can you be a bit patronising to your MIL when she starts with the life lessons?
'Ahhhh... bless you MIL. That's sweet and I'm sure how it was done in the 'olden days', however, things have moved on a bit in the last 50+ years' And flounce!!!!

Not RTFT but why does he get £300 for a trip with his mates and you get nothing? When you've already had nothing for your birthday?

Tell him you need £300 for a weekend with your friends... or he'll, £65 for a spa day!

*or just £65 for a spa day

I think I have been too willing to say "Oh, don't worry, I'll be fine". Not in a martyrish way, but in a way where I'm genuinely really trying to be fine because I simultaneously want something but truly believe I don't deserve it or that it is in conflict with what other people want. I actually asked two of my friends whether they would mind having lunch with me on my birthday, and it was one of the most frightening questions I've ever asked because I really felt I was imposing on them - what if they didn't want to go? Or they didn't turn up because they didn't want to come, and then I would feel so lonely AND so guilty?! But they said yes and they turned up and it was nice!

I think I can only see my need for a holiday now because I have taken on so much over the last 6 months and I am literally falling apart with tiredness and emotional lowness. But I also have to take some responsibility for the way in which things have moved. I haven't been able to articulate, as a grown woman should, that I have a need for a break, but also for some time/attention. I don't know whether it is fair really to expect DH to acknowledge such things automatically - I've always rather felt he should. But I think that maybe it is more realistic to say that such things emerge out of a dialogue where each person has to draw attention to their own wishes? I haven't done this very effectively, partly because I've been passively waiting for him to notice that I'm struggling. But he doesn't - he is so absorbed with his huge workload, he just goes on scything his way through it.

I am flattered by your praise finally, but I am not sure it's true. BIL and his partner are really nice people. Genuinely, you would all love them. Everybody does!

In no way are you being childish or selfish. You deserve to vent and you certainly deserve to have a get away! So much has been piled on your plate, each separately is stressful, then all is compounded into a whirlwind of mega stress.

It’s really unfair that your husband didn’t do anything special for you for your big day. Some gesture, like take off that time and dedicate it to doing things for you. Simple things like make you breakfast, draw you a nice bath and put out some lovely body products, treated you to a foot massage. Now money you were to use for a well deserved break has gone to two events that are in no way for you. I would be crushed too!

There has to be more awareness from your husband. I really hope that he can get that into his head and say no to any further funding of things for everyone but you.

Since he’s getting an event that really is more for him, can’t you take at least a spa day? You deserve some time for you and you alone.

That sounds really hard OP. I know this weekend is a done deal but I really think if something comes up again you should just say no and if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. I would be looking to really cut down the amount of time you spend with the in laws for your own MH.

Also please tell DH how you feel about your birthday and not having a family holiday and general exhaustion. If you say you're fine all the time he'll believe you. If I said to my DH it wasn't a good time for a trip related to his hobby then he wouldn't go. He would be disappointed obviously but he understands that I will support him where it feels manageable and if I need him at home he will be there. It's taken a lot of talking to get to that point though.

Without knowing you personally it's hard to give direct advice for fear of missing the mark but there are a few things I would say:

1. You have to look after your own needs because you are responsible for you. That's not a matter of being selfish or demanding, that's a matter of taking responsibility for yourself and getting what you need, as much as that is available. Trying to compromise and be understanding is all well and good but if it gets to a situation where you're being treated abysmally by everyone around you and you're at breaking point then clearly things have gone wrong.

2. Your partner should want, without prompting, to make you feel loved and special, because what's the point in a partner if they don't. Your DH may have 'needed' to go to work on your birthday but there are other days in the week and he could easily have organised something for the following weekend. The fact that he didn't shows that he doesn't really give a shit.

3. Your socialisation and your DH's socialisation seems to have to come together in a rather unfortunate way. He's a taker and you're a giver and he's totally taken advantage of that.

4. You are worth as much as you say you are worth. If you tell the world you are worth nothing, the world will believe you and act accordingly.

to what extent would you wonderful women expect to be put first as a matter of course, versus having to have a conversation/clarify that a holiday should be the financial priority in the circumstances?

I expect that DH (and I), will prioritise our little family unit of 4 over just about everything else. And while celebrating our parents' birthdays is a priority, as is supporting them through any health or personal crises, that would never be to the detriment of our family or at risk to either of our mental health. And if there was only money in the pot for one thing - say a weekend away for my DM's birthday or a weekend away for us after a hideous year - then I would expect that the latter would win, although we would try to find some way to do both. And yes, we would talk about it and discuss the way forward, but we'd both be of the same opinion from the outset, because as a couple you have to face the world as a unit and what's bad for one tends to be bad for both of you.

However, I never expect him to be a mind-reader! If you have needs that your DH isn't aware of (or if he does and you haven't), then you have to be prepared to speak up and not to ashamed or embarrassed. It's okay to ask for support or to admit that you're struggling and perhaps not as strong as you'd like to be, or have given the impression that you are.

I think you're right in normal circumstances juneau but I don't think the OP's DH would need to be a mindreader to know that she might not want to spend ridiculous amounts of time and money organising a party for someone who treats her like shit, especially when she got nothing for her own birthday. He also is a bit dense if he doesn't realise how horrible it is not to do anything for his wife's birthday due to lack of money only to spend £300 on a weekend away with friends.

juneau - that is a really clear explanation, thank you. It sounds as though you have a lovely family unit!

Inseoir - I'm flinching from your fourth point. Not because I don't think it's true, but because I do.

I'm going to have to do some thinking about how I reset some critical boundaries. When I started this thread, I thought it was all about the holiday and getting over being in a grump about this weekend, but now I see there is a lot more to it than this. I suspect that my MH issues are not just building-related (though that's undoubtedly a factor) but may also be to do with feeling devalued. It's not just about DH balancing things better- it's about me saying "Right, there are things I want to do in life, and I'm not just going to shelve them until someone else clears some space for me". Because that is never going to happen, is it?

No, it's not, and it shouldn't either. Bluntly, it's not anybody's job to clear space for you, except yours. It's really common for people who have suffered abuse to be people pleasers and to shy away from fulfilling their own needs - it's an understandable reaction to past trauma. But regardless of how self-effacing you are, the fact is that you're human and somewhere in there you know what you need and want and because you're getting none of it your mind is rebelling and pushing you into depression. It's just not possible to be a living human being that has no needs.

inseoir yes, I agree, but it sounds like a) he has massive issues with his family, b) he genuinely is busy and c) the OP has convinced him that she's this teflon-fabulous creature that just gets on with life and doesn't mind, when actually she's fed up, exhausted and feeling taken for granted. So when she says 'It's fine, I don't mind. We can spend the money on concrete screed instead', he takes that at face value and doesn't necessarily understand that really it's not fine at all!

Look up Havening on you tube. It’s a 5 minute tool for dealing with overwhelming feelings. Its clinically proven, and is used in post traumatic stress disorder and addictions.
I’ve been known to nip off to the loo and return much more resilient.

Big hug to you op

I've never heard of havening, thank you ohyesiam.

juneau - Yes, I think that's very true - DH is busy, he has struggled with family relations and I do need to send clearer messages. He does, however, know that I am a bit frustrated with the amount of domestic labour that now falls to my lot as a result of his career choices. There have been a couple of decisions where he could have made a decision to help me and equalise things, and he hasn't taken those. I need to stop waiting for him to do it, and just get on with pursuing my own ends a bit independently. As soon as I can get free from this awful drag that is the end of building work, I will have more time to do that.

I think basically he exists in a world where people have variant needs, and you find a balance between all the demands on you such that everyone is happy. If you drew it, it would look like a big network with him in the middle of a whole load of different linear pressures.

The trouble with that is that it doesn't really recognise the difference in contribution that people are making. I feel like I weigh less than other people, despite the fact that I contribute the most to his ability to keep working in the way he does. My picture of needs is very different: it looks more like concentric circles outwards, with gradually decreasing levels of priority.

What concerns me is that you feel guilty or not entitled to feel as you do. You have A LOT of difficult stuff going. Please value yourself and take your own emotional needs seriously - others don't always do it for you. x

When I lazy I meant emotionally lazy.
I'm sorry but I cant believe you are baking cakes and putting in so much effort.
I also cant believe a 70 plus man cant ask for butter!!!

as in I cant get my head round......not that I think youre making it up!

on a purely practical note get a cleaner to blitz the house.

Don't take down a cooked meal or ingredients for BIL to cook, that's the cost of feeding at least six adults twice saved.
Sit there until someone mentions food and then cheerfully suggest the pub.

You will feel SO much better making a stand.

stayathome - Oh, don't get me wrong - BIL and his partner have paid for half of the food! It's not all on us . Like, I said, they are lovely. I do still need to make a stand, though, so your point is still taken.

tumbleweed - FIL would be funny from the outside! It's just exhausting from the inside. Every meal is an ordeal. Even getting started is an effort - he has to be cajoled off his ipad to the table, while the food gets cold. Then he has to have both wine and beer simultaneously, and both must be carefully selected, while the food gets colder. Then there is the problem of getting any accompaniments to him personally, because he can't just be passed them round the table like a normal person or help himself like everyone else - he has to be personally asked to partake of everything individually. Do that for three courses and you need a brandy and some smelling salts by the end. And yes, I know that in future I should not pander to this. I can start by just plating everything up instead of offering sides separately.