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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the odd day off as a SAHM?

161 replies

AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay · 21/03/2018 21:11

Hello Mumsnetters
I'm coming to you because you seem to be a down-to-earth lot and I need you to tell me whether I'm being an entitled spoilt brat!

A bit of context, please bear with me..

DC are 1.5 and 3.5, oldest in nursery 2 full days but otherwise my world revolves around them, plus of course the housework and studying.

DP rises every weekday morning at 6am to study before going to work; gets home shortly after 6, helps with the cleaning up, getting kids ready for bed. I generally get up around 7 and think maybe he resents that I'm not pushing myself as much as he pushes himself, given that he does a fair bit around the house (often puts me to shame).

So, he came home last night and made some unwelcome comment about the fact that I hadn't managed to get the kids fed yet (not a common occurrence) and made the point that he gets everything done in his working day PLUS he then has to come home and help me. Made me ever so slightly mad, and I've since been attempting to make him understand that not every day is a picnic and that sometimes its flipping hard work.

Not the first time we've had this discussion which invariably leads me to say I'd like him to take the kids for a few hours on the weekend to give me some time out. He's not willing to do this (he has a short fuse especially with DC3.5 and the two drive each other crazy) and thinks that if I need time away from the kids I should put them both in nursery and go back to work.

I absolutely love being a SAHM and no job could ever take me away from the kids especially at this age so I resent the idea that they should go into care rather than be with me.

These arguments between us often end up making me look ungrateful that I need time away when I have such a great and easy life, when DP has to slog away at work, then come home and help me "do my job" so the idea he then also needs to take the kids on his own while I have a few hours to myself is abominable.

I guess the other thing is, how do I persuade him to spend more time with the kids without me? It should be a pleasure, not a hardship FFS!

So, am a being ungrateful - should I just go back to work so I can have time out? Is he being reasonable not wanting to "work" any harder during the week by taking the kids?
Anything else you're seeing that I'm not? Do I need to start getting up at 6?!

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 22/03/2018 13:21

work is a break? You must have a seriously easy job if you find that

I’m a nurse on an understaffed, busy and stressful ward. My shifts are 13 hours long, I’m out my house for over 14 hours, I’m lucky if I get to eat more than once during my shift never mind even have a drink or have a wee - it’s absolutely exhausting.

However - it’s still a break from being at home with the children.

LaurieMarlow · 22/03/2018 13:26

YANBU to want some time off. He should get the same. Sit down and work out how you can make that happen for both of you.

Overall, it seems to me like he's under more pressure than you though. Working, studying and at the same time pulling his weight in the house is tough going. The pressure is probably getting to him a bit.

The 'work is a break' argument is such bullshit. Most employers do not pay you to sit around on your arse all day. I logged on last night again when DS was in bed and did another 4 hours (after a 9-5 day) to meet a client deadline. I can assure you that was not a 'break'.

goose1964 · 22/03/2018 13:28

Is there anyone who would look after you kids whilst you have a day to yourselves?

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/03/2018 13:34

You do get a break - you have five hours extra to yourself per week than him. You just choose to spend those hours lying in bed. It sounds like your DH is pulling more than his weight in your relationship - he's getting up at 6, getting home at 6 and then doing most of the housework as well. If I was him I'd be a bit peeved.

HeavyLoad · 22/03/2018 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

N2986 · 22/03/2018 13:41

God op you're so lazy. Do you just sit and watch Netflix all day? Wink

I do absolutely everything, all cooking, cleaning and child rearing. I never sleep in and I do all the night shifts, my poor oh has a JOB you know.

My downtime is taking the kids to soft play or the park- it's the most relaxing experience. Then when it's time to cook or clean I just leave the baby in the care of the two year old. All three of the kids all play a nice activity together while I tidy and would never scream constantly to be picked up.

I also go to the gym, look polished and groomed for my husband and make sure he has the weekends free for his hobbies.

The children are only allowed one toy out at a time and never ever make a mess.

HmmHmmHmm

In the real world my husband gets in and cooks tea, while I do the gazillionth tidy and clean of the day. We share bath and bed time and the night shift. I am permanently exhausted and some of the replies on here have made me feel like shit. We alternate lie ins on a weekend, only, more often than not, the kids want me so I'm up anyway.

Dont get me wrong, when they're all in school or nursery I'll have the house spotless but until then I'm trying to scrape by.

Prettylovely · 22/03/2018 14:18

I always feed the kids around 5/5:30 as thats the time we always eat as it takes a while to eat and clean up afterwards and then baths bed all takes a while I wouldnt want to be clearing up too late, Also the fact they are always hungry. I struggle to stay awake when it comes to evenings as it is. Would it help to bring dinner time forward so you arent clearing up later?

lostherenow · 22/03/2018 14:45

I dont think its unreasonable to want time off. Its incredibly wearing being constantly responsible for small children. And never ever getting anything finished. My eldest was also a destructive whirlwind, the youngest less so but neither of them were good sleepers and neither of them napped reliably or EVER in their cot. So the whole idea of doing housework while they slept was a non-starter.

Our house is a permeant state of chaos. Every time I get on top of things someone is sick or some major part of the house breaks or DH is doing another exam and we have to be out of the house every weekend all weekend. But it works for us. DH isn't too bothered about the housework. I do housework and DIY and everything like that. He works and studies. When possible we alternate lie ins at the weekends and I go out one evening a week. He has occasional weekends away. Everyone is happy.

Its completely irrelevant what we think. You have to agree with your DH what your aims are, what kind of lifestyle you both want how you divide up your household jobs. If you don't agree it will just lead to resentment.

Itsnotmesothere · 22/03/2018 15:10

YANBU.
I'm a bit Hmm at some of the comments. OP should get up at 6 and they should breakfast together if she feels like it, yes!

I think it's very spiteful of OP's husband to not give her a few hours break. We both give each other a bit of peace and quiet when there's time. Usually in my time I catch up on cleaning and study!
Sometimes I feel guilty when my husband does chores as I am very part time but my mum pointed out if he were a bachelor he would still have to wash up, clean and attend to his admin

Blahdyblaah · 22/03/2018 16:34

I am a sahm to a 6 year old, 4 year old who is at nursery half days and a baby. I still manage to get the housework done and the kids fed on time. I imagine my oh would be pissed off after finishing a 10 hour shift then coming home to have to clean and cook just as I would be if the roles were reversed. Our weekends are mostly spent as a family either at home or out for the day. I get my break once they are in bed, sometimes not even then but I chose to be at home with them.

QueenofmyPrinces · 22/03/2018 16:44

I get my break once they are in bed, sometimes not even then but I chose to be at home with them

Do you not think you deserve some evenings on your own though to have a break from all things child/house related? Go out with your friends? Go shopping without the kids in tow? Go to the gym etc?

Or do you think it’s unfair that the SAHP would want those opportunities?

MorningsEleven · 22/03/2018 16:53

I home ed one of my kids so kind of SAHM and kind of very full on job.

I'd fucking love a day off. DH works away 2 days a week so I'm home schooling one childand putting the other into school and doing house stuff and sorting out the dog and advocating for a child with health issues. And he comes home and works full time and goes to 4 different hobbies a week. Oh and there's the work jollies.

Working FT isn't a huge laugh but having absolute freedom to do what you want because wifey picks up the slack must be fucking fabulous, which is why I expect him to pull his weight.

Blahdyblaah · 22/03/2018 16:53

queen My friends all have kids so nights out are very very rare, we instead meet during the day and do activities with the kids meaning I can fit half a day of softplay/park/swimming in and still have time to clean the house and feed everone. Tbh it's just not that difficult 30-60 mins a day and it's done.

RedSkyAtNight · 22/03/2018 17:15

Has OP said why she can't have free time in the evenings once the DC are in bed?

LunchBoxPolice · 22/03/2018 19:25

So for up to 4 days during the week I am like a single parent no, you aren't. You know you have someone coming home in a few nights to support you.

g1itterati · 22/03/2018 19:36

Of course YANBU for wanting "the odd day off!" Life is not a hardship competition or a race to exhaustion.

It sounds to me that your DH does not have the patience to spend any significant time with the DC without you to diffuse things and take the pressure off. This is a problem and a very common one because you are "default parent" 24/7 and it's draining emotionally and psychologically. No it's not the same as being a single parent, but resentment can build up.

So plan an afternoon out for yourself. Tell you DH you absolutely have to do this for your sanity and force yourself to not feel the guilt about leaving them all to it.

RedForFilth · 22/03/2018 19:57

LunchBoxPolice yes to your comment! It's nothing like being a single parent when you have someone else's emotional, practical and financial support. It pisses me off when people say it's the same!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/03/2018 20:06

I knew someone would jump on that poster for the single parent comment, as soon as I saw it. MN is so predictable! She just meant that she is doing the work of looking after the dc by herself for those days and you know it.

Pinkvoid · 22/03/2018 20:10

I’d be really pissed off if I got home after a twelve hour day and was expected to do chores.

I had three DC in 2.5 years and it certainly was no walk in the park. My house looked like a shit tip for at least three years but I wouldn’t have asked my then DH to finish a long shift at work and help with my chores... it’s just not fair. Helping with the DC’s bedtime, sure but not chores.

You’re probably both knackered and need some time to yourself. Trial a monthly date night or something?

Lethaldrizzle · 22/03/2018 20:20

Having been both a single parent and married, - being in a relationship does not automatically mean you have emotional, practical and financial support.

CheeseyToast · 22/03/2018 20:21

I disagree with just about everyone haha

Why does everything have to be "done"? Why so rigid? Why can't dinner be a bit late sometimes and the house a bit messy? Surely a happier day for mum & kids is better than immaculate house/clean, quiet children to placate dad who has been conveniently absent from domestic chaos for lion's share of day?

I think your husband needs to wake up to the realities of family life. Sometimes the house is messy, sometimes dinner is late, and always dads should be onboard to spending time with kids. Why is weekending with children optional for him? How selfish.

I really don't think your marriage will last if he doesn't make an effort to join in on weekends.

As for getting up at 6 or 7, if he wants to get up early - great! But why is it a problem for him that you get up at 7? Why is everything so competitive? Why can he not be supportive of you? Let me guess, a woman's role in caring for the home and family is of little value 🤔

AllNamesTakenhell · 22/03/2018 20:29

Did he also want you to be a sahm? Because it sounds more like he'd rather you worked? Did he think you would work and he would pull back a bit and focus on his studies?

Does he get free time at the weekend too? You both should gave equal time but if he doesn't get any then I understand his resentment. Equal time for you both after working, studying, coursework and chores are done. If there is no time then you both need to look at why and how to deal with that.

Not being able to cope is a cop out line. He sounds resentful though, as do you, it's best to find ways around the 'why'.

alittlehelp · 22/03/2018 20:29

I get fuck all housework done when looking after two small children. By the end of the day it looks like we've been burgled, by some really really messy burglers. If my DP had a go at me about it I'd cry. Not all kids sleep and let you get on with housework.

KrisMulreedy · 22/03/2018 20:30

However - it’s still a break from being at home with the children.

I have never understood this way of thinking - when ours were younger I worked compressed hours, so had two days at home, then made up my hours by working longer hours and using annual leave. My days at home were a piece of piss compared to my days at work.

katienana · 22/03/2018 20:34

I am sahm to a 2 yr old and 5 yr old. DH leaves house at 7.30 gets in at 6, is away at least 1 night a week. If he's around, he will get up with one of the kids unless I.know he's had a rough night in which case I do.it. I try to have my shower before he goes, and he will sort out breakfast or getting the older one to brush teeth (a horrible daily battle). When he gets in at 6 kids will be fed but he might need to bath and put to bed the older one. This is his time with the kids! I'll cook dinner after they're both asleep. Dh empties bins if needed and washes up sometimes, only if he has no work to do. Usually I.sort the next day.
At weekends one of us does jobs and the other watches kids. But we try to.get out as much as possible. If I ask he is happy to have the kids for a few hours so.I can go clothes shopping, or chill at home if I need that. Equally I agree to him going to the pub sometimes, and support him in frequent trips away etc.
Your dh needs to either take on.more childcare or accept doing the amount of housework he does. You going out to work wouldn't really make a big difference to.his contribution at home.