To want the odd day off as a SAHM?

[AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay]

Hello Mumsnetters
I'm coming to you because you seem to be a down-to-earth lot and I need you to tell me whether I'm being an entitled spoilt brat!

A bit of context, please bear with me..

DC are 1.5 and 3.5, oldest in nursery 2 full days but otherwise my world revolves around them, plus of course the housework and studying.

DP rises every weekday morning at 6am to study before going to work; gets home shortly after 6, helps with the cleaning up, getting kids ready for bed. I generally get up around 7 and think maybe he resents that I'm not pushing myself as much as he pushes himself, given that he does a fair bit around the house (often puts me to shame).

So, he came home last night and made some unwelcome comment about the fact that I hadn't managed to get the kids fed yet (not a common occurrence) and made the point that he gets everything done in his working day PLUS he then has to come home and help me. Made me ever so slightly mad, and I've since been attempting to make him understand that not every day is a picnic and that sometimes its flipping hard work.

Not the first time we've had this discussion which invariably leads me to say I'd like him to take the kids for a few hours on the weekend to give me some time out. He's not willing to do this (he has a short fuse especially with DC3.5 and the two drive each other crazy) and thinks that if I need time away from the kids I should put them both in nursery and go back to work.

I absolutely love being a SAHM and no job could ever take me away from the kids especially at this age so I resent the idea that they should go into care rather than be with me.

These arguments between us often end up making me look ungrateful that I need time away when I have such a great and easy life, when DP has to slog away at work, then come home and help me "do my job" so the idea he then also needs to take the kids on his own while I have a few hours to myself is abominable.

I guess the other thing is, how do I persuade him to spend more time with the kids without me? It should be a pleasure, not a hardship FFS!

So, am a being ungrateful - should I just go back to work so I can have time out? Is he being reasonable not wanting to "work" any harder during the week by taking the kids?
Anything else you're seeing that I'm not? Do I need to start getting up at 6?!

Why in the hell should op get up at 6?! I think give & take here. Sounds like you both need a break. But he is an ass for not wanting to able to have couple hours on his own with his own kids! Surely if he thinks that's too hard to cope with he must know how hard it is for u every day. The MN way is if u a sahm it's a privilege n u should b housekeeper n nanny n b eternally grateful feel like am gone back in time!

Harry, the point of one parent sah (apart from personal preference) is that it saves paying out for childcare. If OP worked, they may lose more than she earns in paying nursery fees. And they would still have to do all the housework around 2 ft jobs. I reckon the dh would find himself having to do a lot more than he currently does.
It's not terrible to come home from work and do a few bits with the kids or in the house, esp if he is home at 6pm.
My dh is often home from work really late. He'd prefer to be here, washing up or helping with the dc - he wouldn't see it as a massive imposition.
I think it is sad that he doesn't want to look after his own children for a few hours at the weekend.

I've learned that if you're the breadwinner and your partner stays at home, you're instantly entitled to go on a pedestal, whereby it's reasonable to not want to have to spend time with your children at all when you get home or do much housework because why would you contribute practically when you provide financially?

I've been on both sides, work & SAHM. I know which one was hands down a doddle compared to the other for me. It's shit but if you want a break I'd suggest going back to work because that's the only way it'll be socially acceptable for you to have you time. Saying that, if you're job earns less, breadwinner is still entitled to original pedestal status because, you know, it's more important.

biggest eye roll ever

I am a SAHM to an 11 month old. DH works full time and his job takes him away 2-3 nights every week. We also have a dog. So for up to 4 days during the week I am like a single parent. I take DS to classes and entertain him and I make no apologies for when he is napping sitting down and reading a magazine.

I try to do a little housework each day, even if it's only dusting one room. If DH is Home he will do the cooking. He also enjoys giving DS bath and doing bedtime.

At weekends, it can be tricky. We tend to take a morning each to get up with DS and do breakfast while other one has a lie in. I, inexplicably, always feel guilty about my morning so tend to only stay in bed another 30 mins or so whereas DH can milk it for a few hours. I usually insist we go for a family walk with dog or go and do something otherwise DH will lie on the couch on his phone all day while I provide all the childcare. Sometimes DH will take DS to see his family which gives me time to do some housework. DH does no other household chores.

It's a balance that works for us at the moment but if I ever went back to work we would need to re-evaluate. Although DH works hard being away from home does mean he is without family responsibility for a fair chunk of the week.

mumsnet is ridiculously harsh!

I am an early bird and get up at 6 quite often - I sit and have coffee I don't do housework! my husband likes to sleep later- I really don't expect him to get up and do housework at the crack of dawn either.

Everyone should have a bit of time TO THEMSELVES. That means leisure time - otherwise life becomes a grind.

Of course your husband should let you have a few hours off at a weekend - in normal life I don't know any parent, whatever their set up who doesn't have some time off.

My husband is out of the house from 8am until 7pm and comes straight in and happily cooks dinner or does kids bedtime - that's family life!

The idea of getting up at 6 to do housework is bonkers. The kids will make it all messy again by teatime anyway.

Personally as a SAHM I don't expect time off, DP leaves at 8 and gets back at 7 five times a week, he does bath time, puts DC (1) to bed while I put DC (5) to bed, then if 4 month old wont feed to sleep he'll hold him while I tidy. He gets up for about an hour before me usually at weekends as I stay in bed feeding youngest while he gets up with the older 2, but I wouldn't expect him to watch them all.
If I want time to myself I wait until they're asleep.

I really don't get why having a job means he gets to opt out of being a parent. If you both worked out of the home, there would still be jobs to do, or would he expect you to work full time and do all the childcare at weekends?

Why should you get up at 6am? stuff that bs.

I can't work out who does the lion share of housework but I wouldn't expect my DP to start pulling out a hoover or unloading a dishwasher if I'd been home all day.

When he gets in he should help with all the stuff you can't do beforehand like bath and bed and cooking dinner for adults.

At weekends it needs to be split not least to teach him what it is like to have to think about 2 kids for a whole day. Don't leave their clothes out, don't suggest activities, don't plan their meals. He gets Saturday you get Sunday. Don't fall into the trap of family days because then you'll just have 3 kids to worry about and not 2 and in that situation you may as well have them on your own.

Also, I would think about going back to work 1 or 2 days, to regain some power. Men don't change the way they think these things.He's a cheeky MF with himself on a pedestal. Remind him that its a long way to fall...

There is no reason on earth why you shouldn't get a couple of hours at the weekend to do your own thing, whether it's a mooch around town or a coffee with a friend. Stop acting as if he's your boss or your father and do not ask him for time out, just arrange it - he would. You had children, you are not serving a prison sentence.

As for the housework, I always said to my DH that I was at home for the children, not the house, and anything I did get done while they were small was a bonus, not an expectation. I invariably did get most stuff done but not all of it and, like you, there were days when I'd be behind if they'd been difficult. You are not at all unusual.

And when we were both full time, DH still did not get out of doing housework then so I didn't see why he should have got out of housework after having children. I had a lot more time on my hands pre-children when I worked full time than when I was on Maternity Leave with 2 under 5s. Having children is not like a holiday or retirement.

And one thing that stands out is wtf is he starting a degree now for? I have 2 school aged children and work 28 hours a week. I would still not consider that now, never mind when they were both under 5!!! Why couldn't he have waited til they were older? Did he discuss with you that this would take up more of his time and were you OK with that? Could you do a degree now as your situation is now? Would he allow you time to complete it?

Well i don't think anyone would pay for a nursery where the staff ignored all the kids for a few hours a day whilst they did paperwork. So why on earth would anyone expect a sahm with kids around all the time to ignore them and do full on housework?
I'm baffled by that.
I do like the "disembowling the front room" imagery - sums it up perfectly!

I think YABU to have not had the kids fed by 6pm at that age if you’re home to do it. Unless they’re eating lunch very late or snacking a lot in the day they must be hungry and irritable, I know mine would be. Surely there’s a compromise here - he watches the kids for a few hours on Saturday morning while you do the bulk of the housework then in the week it’s 5-10 mins in each room every day to stay on top of it. You can batch cook for the kids at the weekend if daily routine is an issue.

OP I’ve used systems like Flylady (ignoring the cringey terminology etc) or The Organised Mum at times when I’ve struggled as a single parent or with a newborn and still go back to them if I’ve got behind with things. It absolutely is possible to not be run ragged with it all and have so much resentment.

I'm not a SAHM but I work part time I put my son in nursery for an extra morning so that I have one morning a week to myself. Could you do that? It's hard with young kids and I think my hubby feels a bit like yours. He feels like when he's not working the kids are always there so he doesn't get any me time either.

1.5 and 3.5 are very young children. They need constant supervision.
It is hard work, even if you are not paid for it. You don't get lunch 'break', you can't use toilet in peace because children need you just then. I take it, if your partner has got 'a short fuse', you did most care at night when they've been babies. If you would be doing same job for someone else, you've been paid a small fortune.
In terms of you working. I take it childcare cost, taking time off when a child is sick, arranging school holiday care when they don't go to a 'baby/toddler' nursery, dropping off/picking up from nursery/school would be equally shared.
If it seems to you your partner is belittling your work, he probably is. Some people can sound very persuasive. Write all complaints down to think about it when not upset or tired.
I think each parent having children whole day one each weekend would be fair. You work when he works. Who decides whose work is harder, more demanding?
He just doesn't sound nice. Hope for best, prepare for worst. If so early in your parenthood there are such disagreements, think what resources you will have for yourself and your children if you need leave. I say it because DC3.5 and your partner driving each other crazy indicates to me that your partner has some personal/character/self control issues.
Remember, there is such a thing as being too nice. Being pushover.
Fact that you don't earn money can be very disadvantageous for you as he has all financial power. Looking after another child as a childminder while being home with yours might be eat your cake and keep it.
Best wishes to you and your children

Why do these men even have kids if they don't want to do any of the work involved?!

OP, if you're children were in nursery, it would cost you x pounds per month, they would only cover for certain hours, say 8-6, they wouldn't pop round to look after the kids on weekends and they wouldn't clean your house for you too, plus they get time off. You are doing all this for free, plus more. Yes they are your kids, but THEY ARE HIS KIDS TOO. Having a job isn't some amazingly rare thing, most of us do it, so why does he think his job comes with a free skivvy?

Harry Potter's you do realise SAHM stands for Stay at Home Mum not Maid right? The point of having a parent at home is generally so that they can be with and look after the kids not so they can do chores. I'm sure some setups enable a SAHP to do a lot of housework but lots of SAHM posters have stated that this isn't the case for them because their child is not the type that is compatible with doing this. You also need to factor in parenting styles, some people are happy for their kids to have loads of screen time or not to be taken out to different activities and this will obviously affect how much time a SAHP has to do chores. However if the parents share the same parenting style and are happy to have all the advantages then they must also accept the burden of reduced hours to do domestic jobs equally too

Yes Bumpitybumper I do understand that the letters SAHM stand for stay at home mum but I do think you're doing all of the SAHP's I know and the majority of SAHP's out there a major injustice by implying that all they do all day is essentially look after/ play with the kids.

This is not what I've seen or heard from that role. Any SAHP that I know (ok, there'll be one or two exceptions but they are definitely in the minority) do a large share of the work involved with running the families lives - they support their OH in their career (much easier to work if someones at home sorting out all the shit), they do a huge amount of the errands (banking, post office - things that are generally closed during office hours when the working parent is in work), running the house/ bills etc. all that stuff on top of childminding. I've heard it over and over and over again.

I think its only a tiny majority of SAHP who 'just' stay at home and mind the children.

Im a sahm with 4dc, three in primary school and a one year old who is home all the time.

I do atleast 80% of the house/children work if not more.

I dont expect a day off. Although a lie in would be nice. Not slept past 7am in about 5 years!

Dp however doesnt come home and bitch if things arent done!

I think yabu to have him have to do so much as well as working. But hibu to bitch if things arent done.

Harry's I'm not doing anyone a disservice but in fact doing the opposite. Being a SAHP doesn't come with a job description and I'm sure there are some SAHPs that do the list of activities you list with kids the same age as the OP, but equally there are many that would find to do this would be at the expense of providing their children with the supervision and interaction they need or development opportunities they want to give them. This isn't wrong and you will find many childminders and nanny's don't prioritise doing chores (beyond the basics) either and that is fine and for some people will indeed be preferable.

I am actually appreciating that by being at home looking after your children and doing extra chores where you can is enough. If genuinely you are doing your best the you don't need to be shamed into thinking that you should be achieving the same as someone else with totally different kids and different circumstances. If OP's partner isn't happy with the setup then of course they should discuss what should happen but simply assuming that OP should be doing all the housework because she's a SAHM is just not always realistic.

Dollytots, work is a break? You must have a seriously easy job if you find that

Actually yes, I DO think it’s entirely possible to get stuff done with kids in tow. Doing half an hour of housework every day will surely keep on top of things. Are you telling me you can’t find half an hour

Ha ha ha.

Friend was talking about how her ds would sleep and wake for his bottle and have afternoon naps .

Mine charged around the house from morning to night. Ds who walked at 9 months had a favourite game of jumping off the windowsills or as some one upthread put it "disembowling" every room so no I didn't have 30 minutes I could take my eyes off the to hoover and tidy

Only upshot is as they have grown up mine are really focussed, hardworking and relatively good teens whilst her ds is into anything and everything and is causing her to have more than a few grey hairs. I got my grey hairs when they were toddlers.

People comparing work before dc and sahm are missing the point. Ops dh is a working dad. Being a working parent is much harder than just working. Dollytots were you a working mum, or are you just comparing 'work'?

I'd make the comment that if you divorced him you'd get every other weekend off and he'd have to have both kids by himself all the time. I guess it's his choice.

@Damnthatonestaken I totally agree that working with a child is harder than 'just' working.
But honestly probably disagree that's the case for most men, I drop my child off to childcare and get her at the end of the day and I'd say that's the hardest part. If I came home from work and didn't have to do DDs dinner or bath her put her to bed either (which it sounds like the ops husband doesn't). Then I doubt it'd be much harder tbh.