To want the odd day off as a SAHM?

[AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay]

Hello Mumsnetters
I'm coming to you because you seem to be a down-to-earth lot and I need you to tell me whether I'm being an entitled spoilt brat!

A bit of context, please bear with me..

DC are 1.5 and 3.5, oldest in nursery 2 full days but otherwise my world revolves around them, plus of course the housework and studying.

DP rises every weekday morning at 6am to study before going to work; gets home shortly after 6, helps with the cleaning up, getting kids ready for bed. I generally get up around 7 and think maybe he resents that I'm not pushing myself as much as he pushes himself, given that he does a fair bit around the house (often puts me to shame).

So, he came home last night and made some unwelcome comment about the fact that I hadn't managed to get the kids fed yet (not a common occurrence) and made the point that he gets everything done in his working day PLUS he then has to come home and help me. Made me ever so slightly mad, and I've since been attempting to make him understand that not every day is a picnic and that sometimes its flipping hard work.

Not the first time we've had this discussion which invariably leads me to say I'd like him to take the kids for a few hours on the weekend to give me some time out. He's not willing to do this (he has a short fuse especially with DC3.5 and the two drive each other crazy) and thinks that if I need time away from the kids I should put them both in nursery and go back to work.

I absolutely love being a SAHM and no job could ever take me away from the kids especially at this age so I resent the idea that they should go into care rather than be with me.

These arguments between us often end up making me look ungrateful that I need time away when I have such a great and easy life, when DP has to slog away at work, then come home and help me "do my job" so the idea he then also needs to take the kids on his own while I have a few hours to myself is abominable.

I guess the other thing is, how do I persuade him to spend more time with the kids without me? It should be a pleasure, not a hardship FFS!

So, am a being ungrateful - should I just go back to work so I can have time out? Is he being reasonable not wanting to "work" any harder during the week by taking the kids?
Anything else you're seeing that I'm not? Do I need to start getting up at 6?!

Swivel -xpost. That's pretty similar to my experience and trying to do housework around them at times is actively dangerous hence I know my limits and don't attempt the risky stuff.

So yes, do be grateful that you have three days with your children. Most people working FT would trade it any day even if it meant doing all the housework.

Speak for yourself there, I'm back to work, in a consultancy role, and it's a darn site easier for me to wrangle a room of senior developers into getting stuff done than spend the days at home with the kids. At least when I go to the toilet the developers don't follow me there!

I still don't understand why you can't split weekends to both get time to yourselves.
He doesn't get to say I don't get on with my DC sorry mate your child make effort and pull your finger out.

Just like to say my job is 12 hour shifts on a busy labour ward and it's really hard work. But i actually find it nice to have the sanity away from the kids. I work 24 hours a week my partner 37.
I still do the majority of childcare because I do mine in 2 days and him 5 days in a office job. He starts half 6 and finishes half 2. I still have tea ready ect.

I actually find sleepless nights and school runs, house work ect ect harder. I'm exhausted by the end of the day. He will come in and look after the kids while cook.
He'll put a wash load on and help bath the littlest and give her a bottle.

You both deserve down time.

Again nobody gets to stop when they finish work. It's both your responsibility to look after your children.

He about you bother get up at 7. You get a cleaner and he does his studying when he gets home. I don't see why you should get up at 7 just to match him. But I am also not sure why he has to clean when he gets home every night . You must have a very clean house!

That should have said 'how about you both get up at 7'

I do think a SAHP should be able to do most of the miscellaneous household jobs during the day (this may mean lowering your standards). The WOHP should pitch in with bed/bath and general end of day tidying when they get home from work - which tbh it sounds like your DH is doing. Then it should be 50/50 at weekends.

Whether it's reasonable to expect time off at the weekends depends largely on whether DH also gets time off - the only time to himself that you've mentioned is when he gets up an hour early to study - which is hardly going on a jolly! But if he also gets a few hours to himself at the weekend then that's "fair".

When I had young DC we used to organise the day, so that our evenings, once the DC were in bed were our own. And with young DC that could easily be 7pm/7.30pm - what are you doing with this time? Plenty of time to pursue a hobby/meet friends/go to the gym/whatever you want to do!

Why don’t you get up with him at 6? I’d be annoyed if I were your dh. You could get up, have breakfast together and get going before the DCs wake.

Why on earth would she? He's getting up early to study, with nothing to suggest he would actually want or value OPs presence during this time. The people who think his choice to get up early is a relevant factor here are bemusing.

Otherwise, you both sound knackered OP. I'm not surprised because there's very little respite to be had when you have two this age, so you're invariably both knackered.

He is BU to do that whole looking after DC is so easy that you should be able to do the housework around it but so hard that I can't be expected to do it at weekend line. It's pathetic and also illogical.

You are BU really to not get a bit more done by the time he comes home. There are two days a week where you only have one child and that child probably naps for a bit, so you could get some stuff done then. Though I'm always wary of overstating that: I could never for example vacuum when mine were napping as the noise would wake them.

I think you should do everything during the week but he should allow you a couple of hours off at the weekend for head space

What if the WOHP doesn't have the same desire to have time to themselves as the SAHP? According to most posters the SAHP is only entitled to the same amount of time to themselves as the WOHPat the weekend but here OP states that her DH has an aversion to spending time with the kids alone. He may therefore be willing to sacrifice his alone time to avoid have to give the OP the equivalent time off.

There is the saying 'a change is as good as a rest'. It's feasible OP's DH is happy to spend all his weekend time co-parenting with OP as he wouldn't have been worn down by having the kids all day, everyday in the week too.

What do your weekends look like? What do you both do?

His choice to get up at 6 and study. That's for his benefit - if he feels overstretched perhaps he should give it up. Totally unacceptable for him to refuse to look after his own children on the weekend. He chose to be a parent, he is now committed to actually parenting.
If you went back to work, he would do more, not less so I don't get his logic. Seems to me he resents you sah but doesn't want to do any childcare himself. How does he see life working if you returned to a ft job? Personally, I would go back to work and let him experience the much harder position of having 2 working adults and all the house stuff needing to be done. I would insist on sharing childcare at the weekend, possibly being worse off financially due to childcare costs and see what he thinks then!
He doesn't respect or value what you do, so you need him to experience the alternative.

There is the saying 'a change is as good as a rest'. It's feasible OP's DH is happy to spend all his weekend time co-parenting with OP as he wouldn't have been worn down by having the kids all day, everyday in the week too.

Yes, that's a fair point. As a WOHP, I have always found time at home with dc really relaxing, as it's so much less stressful than my time at work. I don't feel the need to get away on my own.

However, the DH has already suggested that the OP goes back to work. If a change is truly as good as a rest, then perhaps that would satisfy the OP's need for some time away from the kids while also taking some of the financial pressure off her DH, which he would clearly welcome.

However, the OP has said that she doesn't want to do this, so she needs to negotiate a compromise with her dh that both of them are happy with.

I think you are being unreasonable to not be able to stay on top of housework when you are at home all day. And him coming back at 6 and you not having got around to feeding your kids? Wtf?

Another vote here for you getting up at 6 and doing some housework so he doesn’t have to when he gets home.

He should be having time to relax, as should you. Presumably you will all benefit from his degree? Better wages etc. It’s not like he’s getting up early to do some knitting.

I think you're both unreasonable. He studies, works, comes home and shares the childcare (rightly so) plus you say he does a lot more housework. You only have one child with you some says. If I was him I would express some disappointment at being expected to cook the dinner when I come home on top of all that.

Meanwhile he can't apparently look after his own children on his own? He can't get on with a 3 year old? What the hell?

You both need to get your act together and start working as a team.

Why are people taking about the DH being exempt from House and childcare when the op stated very clearly that he comes home and does bedtime/baths etc and does more housework than her? I'm sure some people only read a thread title and make the rest up themselves...

There is a common theme of unhelpful partners with struggling SAHMs.

Sounds like you're both being a bit unreasonable and both need a rest to me.

His choice to get up at 6 and study. That's for his benefit - if he feels overstretched perhaps he should give it up

But is it entirely for his benefit? Presumably he's doing it to improve his employment prospects which ultimately benefits the family. My dp is currently doing a course 5 hours a week that's seriously messing with our already God awful schedule but I'm supporting him because it will hopefully lead to a better job.

What do you do on the days the kids are at nursery? You're going to have to talk to your partner about finding a balance. I know being a SAHM it's exhausting but as the partner who is at home all day you're going to have to take on the lion's share of the housework, child care and general administrative nonsense, i.e bills. He shouldn't be going to work and coming home to have to do hoovering and washing up and stuff like that. My partner goes to work and I make sure the house is tidy (I'm not going to say sparkling clean because it rarely is "sparkling") and he at least has something to eat when he comes home, it's a nice environment because he can spend some time relaxing and playing with DD (and so can I!). All bets are off at the weekend though, I do the absolute minimum required to make the house look acceptable and let dinner sort itself out (often he ends up cooking or we get something in) - I'm a SAHM, not a robot! Maybe something like this set up could work for you both too? If you had a bit more "family time" together at the weekend that might increase his confidence with the kids too?

Yes I know. I've been on here donkeys years. And usually I'm firmly on the side of the poor put upon sahm. It seems a bit more complicated here though surely?

I am astounded at the 'get up at 6am because he does' brigade. I never heard of people getting up super early in case it's not fair on their partner. Plenty of people need a decent night's sleep. Why would you deliberately miss sleep just to even things out in the house?!

I also don't get the 'I'd be pissed off if I worked all day, then got in and had to do childcare' stuff. What, like I've done every single day as a working mum? Weird, of course you would care for children, put them in the bath, help stack the dishwasher. Only in ManWorld would this be time off. Even in Mad Men the dad would mind the kids whilst mum went out occasionally!

I think not taking the children ever on weekends by himself is a real impediment for him learning how to parent his own children. My husband used to take them out one 'session' (so could be all day one day, or could be just for the afternoon) when little on weekends, that was to let me write a book but I also used it often to just sleep (with his encouragement).

I find the distribution of tasks here odd, as you are also studying from the sounds of it, and everyone is queuing up to tell you the Big Man who is working shouldn't be disturbed when he gets in. Women are never treated like this, and always do more household tasks when working f/t out of the home.

This is all very strange...

given that he does a fair bit around the house (often puts me to shame).

stated very clearly that he comes home and does bedtime/baths etc and does more housework than her

I don't think we're reading the same OP - and, in my experience, that sounds like language from the OP where she's trying to be extra kind, rather than giving an objective review of housework amounts.

I'm a single parent and I also work full time and study. If I had a partner at home who I was supporting id be pissed off at having to come home and do housework etc. But then I would prefer my partner to at least work part time. It sounds like your husband would prefer this too. Would you consider it?

It seems to me he does far more than most working spouses with a SAHP do.

YABU.