To want the odd day off as a SAHM?

[AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay]

Hello Mumsnetters
I'm coming to you because you seem to be a down-to-earth lot and I need you to tell me whether I'm being an entitled spoilt brat!

A bit of context, please bear with me..

DC are 1.5 and 3.5, oldest in nursery 2 full days but otherwise my world revolves around them, plus of course the housework and studying.

DP rises every weekday morning at 6am to study before going to work; gets home shortly after 6, helps with the cleaning up, getting kids ready for bed. I generally get up around 7 and think maybe he resents that I'm not pushing myself as much as he pushes himself, given that he does a fair bit around the house (often puts me to shame).

So, he came home last night and made some unwelcome comment about the fact that I hadn't managed to get the kids fed yet (not a common occurrence) and made the point that he gets everything done in his working day PLUS he then has to come home and help me. Made me ever so slightly mad, and I've since been attempting to make him understand that not every day is a picnic and that sometimes its flipping hard work.

Not the first time we've had this discussion which invariably leads me to say I'd like him to take the kids for a few hours on the weekend to give me some time out. He's not willing to do this (he has a short fuse especially with DC3.5 and the two drive each other crazy) and thinks that if I need time away from the kids I should put them both in nursery and go back to work.

I absolutely love being a SAHM and no job could ever take me away from the kids especially at this age so I resent the idea that they should go into care rather than be with me.

These arguments between us often end up making me look ungrateful that I need time away when I have such a great and easy life, when DP has to slog away at work, then come home and help me "do my job" so the idea he then also needs to take the kids on his own while I have a few hours to myself is abominable.

I guess the other thing is, how do I persuade him to spend more time with the kids without me? It should be a pleasure, not a hardship FFS!

So, am a being ungrateful - should I just go back to work so I can have time out? Is he being reasonable not wanting to "work" any harder during the week by taking the kids?
Anything else you're seeing that I'm not? Do I need to start getting up at 6?!

Weirdcatlady so all the SAHMs saying that is virtually impossible to keep on top of all the housework with their kids are just doing it wrong or incredibly lazy?

The kids are preschool. I'd be amazed if she was able to get all the chores done during the day.

What will you do with your day off? Go to work and then come home to help with the children?

if I had a partner at home who I was supporting id be pissed off at having to come home and do housework etc.

Why? Would you rather spent time ignoring your children so that they could get all the housework done? You do realise having kids at home creates loads more housework as they get every toy out and require feeding three times a day. Have you tried tidying up toys with kids of these ages around? I have and it literally takes 3 times as long as when you do it on your own.

They also need to be supervised and actively engaged with in order to support their development plus provided with age appropriate stimulation.

Also if you had a SAHP you would not be supporting anyone as you would have made a joint decision to have one so therefore it would be as much your choice as their's. Sounds like you wouldn't make this decision and that's fair enough but please don't denigrate SAHPs.

Hi lass

YANBu.

Now, I'm married 11yrs this July, worked full time til 3yrs ago when we had our daughter and I'm currently pregnant with #2 and not well either.

Hubby has just gone back to work after long term sickness and we got stuff done but with a shit load of interference from his mum who I don't get on well with anymore.

Now, I'm a sahm, do the cleaning (not perfect), feed the kid, play, do chores, shopping, nursery run and other stuff too - hubby comes home and just planks down on couch (he's still not 100% so he can rest uo) but I've clearly told him that if dishes need done and he wants fed then clean then up while I rest for 5 mins and then start toddlers dinner.

His mum expects him to come home from work to a 5* meal, house sparkling and him to bugger off to his football when there is a game on or down to the social and leave me with exhaustion.

They learned the hard way when I just had baby and had asked him to stay as she wasn't well and his mum drove him to football - had to blue light daughter to hospital due to chest infection - he listens to me now.

Omg ok I'm ranting.

Yes you need a break, everyone does and you are a partnership so tell him to give you an hour a day to rest up or he needs to take kids at weekend so work can get done.

Bumpitybumper what are you on about? I understand exactly what mess they create as I look atfer my son on my days off as I'm a single mum with little support. I pick him up, spend time with him, bath him, put him to bed etc I love all that. But then I don't sit down after I've done what needs to be done housework wise so I don't have to do much on my days off with him. I would have thought having a partner would make things a bit easier but that doesn't seem to be the opinion of some people here?

Also I don't know why anyone would ignore their children whilst they clean like you're suggesting? Ds and I tidy his toys together and he does things alongside me.

Red so you deep cleaned your bathroom with your one and a half year old son playing alongside you then? I'm not saying it's impossible to do anything whilst being a SAHP, I'm just saying some activities can be very hard to do and depending on the children virtually impossible. It makes sense to leave these activities until the kids are asleep at night and for DH to pitch in.

I can't believe the comments on this thread. Awful.

OP, you are a SAHP, not the housekeeper. Presumably you decided between yourselves that one of you would stay at home and one of you would go to work. You are saving your family the cost of childcare by doing so. Your husband isn't 'helping' you by pitching in when he gets home, try to stop looking at it like that, he's doing his share to keep the house he lives in in a nice state, and to parent the children he fathered. As for the ridiculous suggestion that you should get up at the same time as him! The mind boggles. He chooses to get up at 6, great. You don't need to so you simply don't. The attitudes on this thread should have died out with the dinosaurs.

I agree you should get up with your husband. Do you have a routine for the household stuff?Possibly old fashioned but I found if I got the basics done without fail every day all the inevitable unexpected stuff didn't seem as bad. Tidy and hoover the sitting room before you go to bed, make your bed as soon as you get out of it, get a load of washing on each morning and sort lunch and dinner while the kids help and play alongside. I used to aim to have toys away and be out for a walk, to meet friends or whatever by 2pm. It'll get easier as the kids get older and all of them are in nursery/school.

I’m currently on Mat Leave with a 7 month old and I have a just turned 4 year old. My 4yo goes to a childminder 3 days a week.

On the two days a week that I have both children at home it is near impossible to get anything done. My usual aim for the day is to have at least one lot of washing done and to have washed up by the time DH gets in from work.

I’m BF’ing the baby and will be up at least three times a night so my husband knows I’m pretty tired most days. He is always telling me that the housework is not my priority at all and when the baby is sleeping on the days the 4y/o is at the childminders then I should be getting some rest too.

When he’s home from work (5pm) he minds both children and sends me upstairs for 30 minutes quiet time just so I can regather myself and have some time out.

I tend to sort the 4y/o evening meal out and I usually do baths and bedtimes whilst DH cooks us both something to eat.

On the weekend he lets me have a lie-in on both Saturday and Sunday and he has both the children - I usually get sausage sandwiches bought up to me too.

The baby is obviously reliant on me but over the weekend my DH spends a lot of 1-2-1 time with the 4y/o going out and about etc to give me a rest, they are very close.

Thankfully my DH is very aware of how draining looking after children can be and is very happy to enable
me to have time to myself frequently. He even takes the 4y/o on holiday (just the two of them) so I can have a prolonged break and he’s been doing this since our son was 2.5 years old. He said in a few years time when the baby is old enough he will happily take both boys away so I can have a week off. Obviously I will still be going to work (2 days a week) but he knows having a child-free week will be great for replenishing myself.

On the days I’m home with just the baby I tend to put him in his walker and spend 30 minutes blitzing the kitchen. I will clean the main bathroom whilst I’m in there supervising the 4y/o when he’s having a bath. The en suite and another toilet room we have take about 10 minutes of blitzing so I tend to do them about once a week whilst the baby is in the jumperoo or I will do them one night once my husband is home. I also do the ironing which I do a few times a week once both children are asleep.

I do the lions share of the housework but DH does the cooking and has no issue with hoovering, polishing, general tidying, the gardening and DIY jobs, he does the ‘weekly shop’ and he does all the childminder drop off and pick ups.

We have a lovely, relaxed set-up and I’m very lucky that he understands that it can be physically and emotionally draining being in a SAHM role and so does his share in other ways.

I wonder if the dh expects the OP to get a job and still do everything else.

If she did get a job would he be giving up studying at 6am 2 or 3 days per week as those mornings would be his responsibility.

Equally given he doesn't want to look after his DC for a few hours of a weekend how would he cope with looking after them for the whole day.

There are a few people on this site who think children sleep for a few hours every day. They go to bed and sleep through and as you are home all day then you should be able to have a spotless house and bathed and fed children by 6pm.

I don't know about ops but mine (3 and a walker from 9months) charged around the house emptying cupboards or if one did something then the other would copy.
It was easier and less work to just go out and leave the house work as if we stayed in, despite trying to clean as we went invariably the house looked more like a bomb had hit it

How sweet. It may surprise you to know that not all children are like this. I seem to recall that as I tidied/cleaned the back room, my two disembowled the front one. They had not the least interest in "helping", playing quietly alongside, or playing alone (unless it involved something nefarious like filling the toilet with soft toys or blocking up the sink and flooding the bathroom). My plan was to spend large parts of each day outdoors, to massively lower my standards wrt housework, and sit CBeebies on for an hour each afternoon so I could cook tea/wash up.

My son enjoys 'helping' me to clean and I encourage it...but we don't actually get real cleaning done. It's more me trying to make sure he doesn't destroy the living room with the duster, tip the mop water all over the floor, etc. Really we pretend we're cleaning and then I do it for real while he's asleep.

BarbarianMum he's like that because he has no choice! My life is very difficult as it is so it's just what I've brought him up doing. I'm not saying he behaves all the time, he's a toddler, some days are awful. As a single parent you do what you can to make your life less difficult because there is no one else to help you.

Bumpitybumper yep I do. I put a bit of water in the sink and he plays with his toys in it whilst I clean. Obviously water gets everywhere but that's hardly difficult to clean up.

Red my son simply would not just play in the sink with toys, he would be causing havoc. I'm sure you have parented your child so they are as compatible as possible with getting household chores done but I would also claim to have done the same. My son's temperament just isn't conducive to getting stuff done.

I found that from the age of 3 onwards the iPad is a very effective tool at allowing me to get housework done as my son will quite happily sit watching that for 30-45 minutes whilst I do jobs that need doing.

Not the best parenting but it is effective

Before the age of three he would still have a lengthy nap after lunch so I’d use that time to do some housework.

Once a fortnight I would send him to childcare on a day that wasn’t needed and I’d spend the day getting the bigger jobs done.

When he was between the ages of 1.5 years to 3 years it was damn near impossible to get anything done because he wanted my attention ALL the time. He had a few 45 minutes here and there but those were spent having a cup of tea and a rest, certainly not for doing housework.

BarbarianMum your kids and mine sound the same. It’s exhausting isn’t it?

Christ I can't get over some of the comments on this thread!.

Sorry OP but you are being unbelievably unreasonable.

Bluntness said what I was thinking earlier in the thread.

Reverse this - you work full time and study as you're trying to further your career (presumably for a pay rise, which you'll obviously be sharing with your partner). Your DH is a SAHD. You get up at 6 to study, you then work all day outside of the home, come in from work and do a huge share of the work inside of the home because DH isn't doing it (I'm leaving out childcare because that's fair enough), you've 2 kids, one is in nursery 2 days a week and he wants some time off.

It's laughable. You sound extremely privileged and spoilt.

Harrypotter what's the bit that you are so incredulous about? Reversing the scenario doesn't seem to cast any new light on things in my opinion so you'll have to be more clear.

Actually yes, I DO think it’s entirely possible to get stuff done with kids in tow. Doing half an hour of housework every day will surely keep on top of things. Are you telling me you can’t find half an hour?

Have you thought about going back to work?

Yes your kids are young but they're not babies anymore...

MN usually talks about equal leisure time, so are you relaxing while DH clears up the house or are you working too?

What jobs are left for DH? It party depends whether you keep things to a good standard but he's a neat freak and everything's has to be perfect.

I think you're fine to want a couple of child free hours a week, but perhaps try harder to get chores done during the day to compensate?

All of it, I think Bumpitybumper. It sounds so ridiculous to me.

I've often said to my SIL that her DH is very lucky that she is at home because he comes in from his (stressful) job and gets to relax and spend time with the children - she (sil) has everything else housewise sorted. Equally, she says that she feels very lucky because she doesn't have to work outside of the home and life is easier (but is earning her share of his wage by doing her share of things). It seems very fair and everyone's putting in equal effort and everything is split properly and both sides are less stressed/ overworked with a billion different tasks and responsibilities.

What's the point in having one person stay at home if the WP has to come in and start the 50/50 share in housework? (genuine question). I don't understand what the point to the arrangement would be. Under the same circumstances, if I was the DH here, I'd encourage the OP to get work and then we'd have two wages coming in, we'd both get stuck in in the evening (as is happening anyway) and it'd all be fair.
I would be very, very resentful if I was the OP's dh here.