To want the odd day off as a SAHM?

[AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay]

Hello Mumsnetters
I'm coming to you because you seem to be a down-to-earth lot and I need you to tell me whether I'm being an entitled spoilt brat!

A bit of context, please bear with me..

DC are 1.5 and 3.5, oldest in nursery 2 full days but otherwise my world revolves around them, plus of course the housework and studying.

DP rises every weekday morning at 6am to study before going to work; gets home shortly after 6, helps with the cleaning up, getting kids ready for bed. I generally get up around 7 and think maybe he resents that I'm not pushing myself as much as he pushes himself, given that he does a fair bit around the house (often puts me to shame).

So, he came home last night and made some unwelcome comment about the fact that I hadn't managed to get the kids fed yet (not a common occurrence) and made the point that he gets everything done in his working day PLUS he then has to come home and help me. Made me ever so slightly mad, and I've since been attempting to make him understand that not every day is a picnic and that sometimes its flipping hard work.

Not the first time we've had this discussion which invariably leads me to say I'd like him to take the kids for a few hours on the weekend to give me some time out. He's not willing to do this (he has a short fuse especially with DC3.5 and the two drive each other crazy) and thinks that if I need time away from the kids I should put them both in nursery and go back to work.

I absolutely love being a SAHM and no job could ever take me away from the kids especially at this age so I resent the idea that they should go into care rather than be with me.

These arguments between us often end up making me look ungrateful that I need time away when I have such a great and easy life, when DP has to slog away at work, then come home and help me "do my job" so the idea he then also needs to take the kids on his own while I have a few hours to myself is abominable.

I guess the other thing is, how do I persuade him to spend more time with the kids without me? It should be a pleasure, not a hardship FFS!

So, am a being ungrateful - should I just go back to work so I can have time out? Is he being reasonable not wanting to "work" any harder during the week by taking the kids?
Anything else you're seeing that I'm not? Do I need to start getting up at 6?!

What @dojo said. If being a SAHM is so easy then his share of domestic life should be a rest and not a burden too.

I worked p/t when my two were that age. It was bliss having time to myself for a 20 minute drive to and from work. I was equally shattered whether I'd been in the company of classes of teenagers or my own two children.

You returning to work is not the solution as all the domestic work will be shoehorned in around the edges of the day, so that would increase his share, plus you would still need some alone time.

Alone time is important for both of you. For him, how much pressure is self imposed?

appleblossomtree being a parent is 24/7 for people who have careers too. Many of those with 'the most taxing careers' (as you say) spend long hours doing their difficult jobs and then spend their "down time" doing.... The same difficult job that OP needs a break from. Parenting. Feeding the kids, supervising homework, settling squabbles, teaching them to tie shoes, shuttling them to activities and birthday parties, making arts and crafts, reading bedtime stories, getting them to clean their rooms, kissing bruises, brushing teeth, staying up all night to monitor a fever... All that stuff. Also cleaning toilets and doing laundry and changing sheets. They just go from one job to another one, it's not like their work for the day finishes at five .

OP everyone needs a break and I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask your H for some time to yourself. But unless he works as a secret shopper for a chain of spas, don't act like his long hours working or his hours of housework and childcare at home count as his 'time out' either.

YANBU but your partner is - as are some of the others on this thread. You work (taking care of children, chores) while he’s out of the house also working. When he gets back in, he then does 50:50 around the house. That’s fair. It’s not fair for him to expect to come home and put his feet up while you are still working (mumming, cooking, clearing up, bedtime etc).

For context, DH is the sahp in our house. I work full time 8-6, plus am studying for a masters, plus training for some major sporting events. I cook when I get in, help clear up and get the boys to bed, then make lunches for the next day while he is feeding the dogs and putting them to bed. We all tend to hang out as a family at the weekend, but I know when DH is getting frazzled and will take the boys out for a day to give him a break. It’s a win win for all of us - as a working parent I get some time with my children, they get some time with me and DH gets some headspace and time to himself. Suggest that your DP takes the children for a few hours at the weekend, he needs to parent them sometimes and they need his time and attention too.

Ok, firstly, you both have full time jobs. Looking after two young kids is a full time job. Unfortunately, one that doesn’t have a clock off time. So when he comes home from work, he needs to be of the mind that you have been working all day too. I mean, does he think that you’ve been sitting on your ass all day watching telly & eating chocolate?!?!?!?!
So taking that, you have both been at work all day, so when he comes home and there is still work to do, yes he should be helping. He is a parent and he lives in the house - so both are his responsibility.
I would suggest that you go away for a few nights and have him look after the kids for a couple of days and see how easy he finds it! That will give him a much better idea of what it’s like to be at home with two young kids.
In saying that, everyone needs a break - ideally you both get time to rest, sleep, relax. Try and work something out so he goes away himself after you do.

I always think the ' go away for a break for a couple of days' to see how dp copes being on their own.

Surely a more valid comparison here would be to go and work 12 hour shifts over the weekend and then when you get home do the majority of the housework?

I’m really surprised at the comments that it’s understandable he’s fucked off because he’s getting up an hour earlier then coming home to housework and the solution is you should get up an hour earlier. Other threads, where husband does nothing, the posters are told their h’s are totally u. Besides sims people are naturally morning people, others are not.

I’m an early riser. I used to go to my dd at 7am when she was a baby and loved the hour or so before she was awake as me time. I’m always awake at a very early hour now and go to bed very early these days due to chronic illness, whereupon I’m exhausted early on in the evening.

If you want some me time, perhaps you could try getting up with him and using that as down time. It may work. Or it may fill you with dread. As for the weekend and needing a break. Of course you do. He’s being ridiculous.

If you had a nanny, would you expect her to thoroughly clean and cook your dinner while looking after the children and work weekends as well. Then tell her she has it easy.

He does not come home and "help" you, as your role in life is not his housekeeper.

He comes home and contributes to cleaning the house HE lives in, which is what he should do.

He should contribute to parenting his own children too.

If being an SAHM to two small children while cleaning house was such a walk in the park, believe me fathers would be biting our hands off to do it.

It isn't and you deserve equal breaks

he gets everything done in his working day

Really? I find this hard to believe, is it not more likely that either his job is time-bound or that he has some autonomy to prioritise what gets done today/tomorrow/later? If he can genuinely get everything done, why isn't he taking on more?

On an entirely unrated point, what are the DC doing for that hour when he studies at 6am?

Yanbu it's relentless when they are that small! Get up a little earlier and have an hour to yourself before the kids wake up.

It's his choice to get up at six he doesn't have to.

I used to have it done by the time my ex got home but he would have dug in when he got home. It was much easier when they were smaller.

My now boyfriend would think nothing of digging in when he got home.

By the way, this business about your DH not getting along with the 3yo is bollocks. If anything, it indicates they need to spend more time together, not less.

Having a good personality fit with your kids is a nice extra, nothing to do with the main game.

If I were you I’d get a hobby going quick smart. An evening class would be good. Scheduled in and paid upfront. You can always argue it’s important for your eventual return to work, which is clearly his agenda.

His high standards of tidiness are his own business, not yours. Getting 75% of stuff done each day, to a decent standard, is worth a high-five in my book!

YANBU.

Being a SAHM does not make you a slave to your family. You are a SAHM in the hours that your DH is at work when he returns he should then be taking on his share of the childcare and domestic chores. Having a SAHM does not mean he should be able to abdicate all parenting responsibility. As long as you are genuinely doing the jobs that you can in the daytime then you shouldn't be feeling remotely bad about him having to pull his weight when he gets home.

There are advantages and disadvantages to being at home or going to work. You might get some time when the kids are napping to do a few jobs or sit down for a minute but equally in most jobs you can usually go to toilet on your own or have a quick catch up with your colleagues. Don't be made to feel you have it easy and therefore have no right to demand a bit of time on your own at the weekend.

Sorry OP. I have been a SAHM for many years- with kids the same age gap as yours - ( and I was starting up a small business in the odd times I could get) I think there is a quite a bit of down time involved- and your oldest attends nursery- so you have only a one year old to attend to.
Visiting friends, trips to the park, soft play, all this is pretty easy and not too taxing in parenting terms.

I am also surprised that at 6pm your 1 year old and 3 have not been fed.
That's bedtime for kids in many homes.- leaving you an evening free.

I think it’s unreasonable to expect him to do chores when Home from work I’ve a 1 and 3 year old and manage to do all the house stuff during day around them

I do think at weekends you could take a turn each so the other person gets a break say once a month

I, and many people I know, use the supermarket shop as my alone time (or I did when I had little ones).

I'd get up and out early on Saturday, before the shop got busy, and spend my time leisurely walking up and down every single isle in the supermarket. I know it's ridiculous, but it got the job done, and gave me space without the constant 'mmuuuuuuum'

That aside, I don't quite understand this viewpoint that if someone's a SAHM, then they're responsible for everything at home - surely it's fair that they're responsible for the same amount of hours as the working person is, then the rest is split? And with a 1.5 and a 3.5 year old in the house, you're just not going to be able to do housework at 100%

For instance, I have a babysitter, she comes a couple of hours early, so she can do washing, tidy/clean the kitchen/living room/kids room, cook the kids dinner etc. 2 hours is about the right amount daily for this. If she were trying to do it around toddlers, then I think she'd need at least twice that time (or she'd be neglecting the main part of her job, which is looking after the children)

I think you have to agree on set tasks - eg. in our house, I do mornings (so I actually get up first), DP does bedtimes (assuming he gets home from work on time). At the weekends, DP does the dishwasher, I do the cooking, and we each have one lie-in.

The trouble is, that if he sees being SAH to be a doss, and him doing the hard work, he's just not going to respond to this, and he's unlikely to agree to a swap to try it out (because he doesn't want to do the SAH bit anyway)

Speakout if soft play and going to the park are so easy why can't her DH do these things at the weekend to give OP some time out? I'm also a SAHM and with kids similar ages to OP and would describe neither of the above activities easy. Chasing around after a toddler whilst supervising a young child is really hard and keeping them both safe and happy is unbelievably challenging in those kinds of environments. I accept that all kids are different and that may not be your experience, but I think you also need to accept this too.

Also doing housework with kids of these ages is also very hard. A one year old is in everything so keeping cleaning substances out of reach and not exposing them to cleaning fumes must be a priority. Easier if you have a toddler that naps.

Like I said earlier there are advantages and disadvantages to WOH or SAH and times in the day that each person has it more difficult. Yes, meeting friends can be fun but then commuting can give people a bit of headspace and rest.

This is how I see it and my partner see it (granted I work part time) but even so if I didn't I'd still expect the same.

You made children together so they are both your responsibility.

You are at home looking after the children so he CAN work. If not he would be paying childcare. So you are both doing your job.

When he's home both of you should work as a team. You've both been working hard all day.

I don't stop caring for my children or home when I get off work. They're my children and home.

Then weekends. Two weekends as a family and one weekend each to do a hobbie of your choosing.

Or maybe one weekend you get a sitter and spend time together to work through your dynamics and just spend time together without work or children.

I don't see how people make issue with things that are meant to be equal.

The one thing I do for my partner is make sure the teas on when he gets in vice versa.

My youngest doesn't sleep through yet and I am quite literally exhausted because of this. I do the nights when he works and him me. I can nap during the day while she sleeps, so could he.

My youngest goes to the childminders once or twice a week while I work. But she still goes if I'm working weekends. It gives either me or him a day to ourselves. I'm a shift worker so my pattern is all over.

Nothing wrong with putting your youngest in childcare maybe once a fortnight to give you chance to recoup and get things done.

The cleaning goes a bit both ways but I do not think agreeing to stay home to bring up children is actually agreeing to free the working partner from every element of Home life. However , I can’t imagine a dh not being able to take his children for a few hours on the weekend. What if you were in hospital? I’d quite reasonably ask why he bothered to have them, and it would be a bit of a deal breaker. It means you are chained to the house / children pretty much doesn’t it?

I think it’s shocking that he won’t spend time on his own with his kids. I would be worrying about sorting that more than anything else!!!

I posted the same thing a year or so ago! And got flamed. It made me realise that actually I could do a bit more around the house. we now do a quick blitz tidy just before dh comes home and I try to get things done, recycling, taking bin out, cooking etc. My aim is to eat early and bath the children, it keeps them occupied and gives my DH less to do. I make meals with frozen chopped veg to save me time and prep most of it while ds1 in nursery. We have a cleaner which helps massively. Weekends we spend together but DH will take our DC for an hour or so if I need some time out

With children that age at home, in reality you are either looking after them and ignoring the household chores or you are looking after the household chores and ignoring the children

That is untrue it is possible to do both it just requires some organisation and interacting with the children while you go.

He definitely should be giving you time off and everyone needs a day off but equally doing housework is part of the SAH package in his eyes and I do t think he is being unreasonable looking for that.

Sorry I'm with your OH on this one. I had no choice but to work FT as I became a single mum when my kids were 18 months and 3. It was very hard work and totally exhausting. Going to work can be a relief away from the madness of home, but in most cases, it is even more stressful.

The difference life was between the weeks when I had to work and the days I looked after the kids on holiday was not comparable. The latter was MUCH easier, even if at times, I did find it exhausting too. The main reason was because when looking after them, I had some control. If I had a very bad night sleep, I could just do the minimum in the morning, and then put them up for a nap to have one myself so I felt a bit better for the rest of the day. If I worked, I had no choice but to pretend I was still full of beans when dealing with demanding customers.

So yes, do be grateful that you have three days with your children. Most people working FT would trade it any day even if it meant doing all the housework.

That is untrue it is possible to do both it just requires some organisation and interacting with the children while you go.

I think that rather depends on the kids. DS1 first wouldn't play alone at all, and found anything involving co-ordination hard (turns out he's dyspraxic) - so floor mopping was out, because he'd invariably run towards me and fall over (despite 100 warnings), folding washing, the classing 'help me pair the socks' - well, he just slowed those down really, so a job that should have been 15 minutes took 45, hoovering he was deathly scared of. Cooking etc, he'd be interested in for 5 minutes, then wander off. Basically everything had to be done in 10 minute chunks, and that's both inefficient, and honestly stressful because you're trying to keep the current status of everything in your head.

DS2 was convinced he could do everything, and would help. Which meant that I couldn't do anything around him because either he'd undo what I'd just done, or he'd learn something new and I'd find him putting random things in the washing machine and turning it on, or clambering up on the worktops to get a knife to cut his own apple. I wasn't allowed to hoover, he would do it - except of course he was 2, so couldn't.

I'm glad that you had kids that you could work around, but mine, well, I managed the bear minimum, and only by secretly doing it while they watched cbeebies!

Pink - I disagree. I think it depends on your kids. Can they be trusted to play unsupervised, do they nap etc? All these factors will affect whether doing any real housework is possible with the kids around. Some children are easier to manage than others

OP, can I ask again how much free time your DH currently gets at the weekends? If you're taking responsibility for the kids at the weekend while he does his own thing, then I think it's entirely fair to ask him to take them for a while to give you an equal break. If, on the other hand, you're currently sharing all of the childcare and chores at the weekend, maybe the discussion needs to be around how you can both get some time out when you need it.