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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no?

186 replies

AyeAyeFishyPie · 21/03/2018 18:52

I don’t think i am but I need some reassurance!

DH and I moved last summer. We joined the local church and have been regular attendees since. There is a man who seemed very lonely and has sort of latched onto us slightly. He has invited us to a different church (we went), come round unannounced on a saturday lunchtime for company (DH weasn’t here, he came in and had about half a bottle of wine) and invited us to his 70th birthday. He has told us that he has had a criminal conviction, we don’t know what for. He is very open that he struggles for money, but there are mentions of holidays and things which seem extravagant if he is as skint as he suggests he is.

To be clear - I don’t particularly get on with him but I would feel hypocritical going to church and ignoring him.

He has now approached us to be a guarantor for a 2k loan. Apparently the vicar is the other one. We asked for details and said we would think about it. He has now emailed DH with details and a ‘thanks for agreeing to do this’ note. Money makes me anxious so I know I may be being odd but every part of me is saying ‘don’t do it’. However I hate things being awkward.

For context - if he defaulted 2k wouldn’t ruin us, however we have our first baby on the way.

OP posts:
Puffycat · 24/03/2018 00:19

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AD NAUSEUM

Redlocks28 · 24/03/2018 00:19

I don’t believe anyone would be this stupid-are you for real?!

Custardo · 24/03/2018 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thegreatbeyond · 24/03/2018 00:24

I'd also be very concerned about what his conviction was... seems odd to me that he'd suddenly take an interest to a younger couple with a baby on the way. I'd be very wary of this man and wouldn't let him anywhere near my baby

One million times this. Please distance yourself and do not let him near your baby. There is something very off.

snewsname · 24/03/2018 00:25

No, no and hell no.

Cheeseislife · 24/03/2018 00:28

Once he has your signature who knows what else he will use it for? That 2k loan could be extended to 10k and if he's as dodgy as he sounds he will pull a stunt... he's taking you for fools, distance yourself

Lalliella · 24/03/2018 00:30

Custardo being so disrespectful of OP’s religion is unnecessary and nasty.

But OP - say no. Remember Jesus and the money-lenders?

Custardo · 24/03/2018 00:49

am not wrong

ReanimatedSGB · 24/03/2018 00:56

As PP have said, religious people are fairly easy marks for scammers and religious hangouts are a good place to find them. If people attend religious services on a regular basis they are either pretty gullible or they are invested in the idea of appearing to be a good, kind person. Which makes them excellent marks because they are going to be easy to manipulate with a combination of sob story and high pressure selling.

Fuck this old creep off out of your lives and be warier, in future, of anyone who wants to be your best friend when you've only just met, as the person is after something (either money or an endless supply of attention and favours because s/he has worn out everyone else s/he knows.)

MrsDilber · 24/03/2018 01:17

Nope, nope and triple nope. If he's emailing you, you can email your response being very direct, no ambiguity, that you are not willing to do this.

Distance yourself. Just because you're a Christian, doesn't mean you have to say yes all the time.

Good luck.

MarSeeAh · 24/03/2018 02:27

I'm a parish minister, and agree with everyone else here that there is no way you should agree to this. I also very much doubt that the vicar has agreed to anything either. I would certainly not agree to be guarantor for a parishioner's loan. I'll sign the back of passport photos, but that's about it.

You need to speak to the vicar about this, and also about the way this man has worked his way into your life. In the meantime, distance yourself from this man - don't have him in your home again.

There is nothing unChristian about having healthy boundaries.

Bolokov · 24/03/2018 04:21

I think you already know that this is wrong. Someone you do not know very much about (who appears to be well off) is hustling you for money, in a brazen and inappropriate way. The behaviour you describe is creepy. The person appears manipulative in how he is asking for the money (treating it as a done deal when you only said you would consider it). I'm sorry to say it; but do you even know if his story about why he needs the money actually checks out? I would suspect emotional blackmail. You know he is a convicted criminal. He has not disclosed the nature of the offence (which may well involve dishonesty or something even more sinister). Kind people like yourself, who feel a christian duty to be helpfull, and might feel guilty about being suspicious, are a frequent target for this kind of hustle. This scenario has all the hallmarks of a sob story/ financial scam. I really hope you do not lend the money

ShackUp · 24/03/2018 04:52

This is why I don't go to church Grin in the mind of a criminal, it's a perfect pick-up location for gullible generous types!

TheMaddHugger · 24/03/2018 05:14

it's a big fat Nope from me

((((((Hugs))))) OP

To say no?
MerryDeath · 24/03/2018 05:25

he sounds like a conman

WorldWideWanderer · 24/03/2018 05:37

Please, please do NOT....I repeat NOT...do this. I am a Christian but I wouldn't do this. There are endless reasons why not to.
You don't know him well enough for a start and it's a bit of an imposition when you aren't really family or best friends.
You do not know what his conviction is for....it could be anything....but clearly he's had problems in the past which have not gone well which bodes ill for this.
If he has no other close people to be guarantor for this, that tells you something....I sincerely hope the vicar hasn't decided to do the same but that isn't your problem, to be honest.
No-one who needs a guarnator like this (except perhaps a student in their first Uni accommodation) has much money and the liklihood of their defaulting is very high indeed... that's the point of a guarantor. You are liable and - as a pp said - you will be liable for more than £2000....all the court fees, reclamation costs etc.
You must prioritise your own family first and you have a baby on the way, you do not need the stress nor baliffs chasing you further down the line. As a Christian it is still the right thing to do to get your priorities right....

The fact that the man's wife has cancer is dreadful....but not your responsibility and not your fault. You can do your Christian duty in other ways to help if you feel you need to, ways which do not cost you so much money and which are more manageable. A man of such years should not be asking a younger couple to do this sort of thing unless there was something a bit dodgy about it.

The fact that this person has 'latched onto' you is already telling you something is amiss.

What you do need to be doing is tackling the situation head on, however difficult that might be.
You need to be saying to this gentleman that you have reviewed your own personal situation and that you really can't be acting as guarantor. Do not give reasons or get cornered into excuses, just say (over and over) that you are sorry but your own finacial situation does not make it possible, it is nothing to do with whether the other person is 'never going to default' or whatever. He must go elsewhere to find his guarantor.

Explain that you obviously feel very awkward about this and you're really sorry for the man's situation but you wouldn't feel comfortable going for Sunday lunch and accepting hospitality when the answer is clearly a now a 'no'.

Back off somewhat and keep this gentleman at arm's length....if he is genuine he will understand but if he is not he won't hang around any more.

Please see the situation as it really is and don't get drawn in....

Iwantawhippet · 24/03/2018 06:48

Op, as people say, it is perfectly reasonable to say no.

I wanted to ask you to mention this to your vicar to highlight a potential safeguarding issue. If this man gets a vulnerable adult in the congregation to underwrite the loan this might be financial abuse which is a safeguarding issue. I’m sure your vicar would want to be made aware.

HennaTattoo · 24/03/2018 07:13

Definately don't. Sad to say our church has fallen prey to a situation similar and the person was a master manipulator, who told sob story after sob story, wasn't afraid to turn on the tears to maximise the sympathy. Targeted elderly lonely people under the guise of friendship, which surreptitiously turned into them loaning money. Eventually one shared her experience in passing, only to find that so many others had been doing the same. It's caused massive unrest and bad feeling, as unfortunately some of the congregation are still unwilling to see what he's done is wrong and feel compelled to still accept his version of events.

RebootYourEngine · 24/03/2018 07:16

I would make sure you have it in writing that you do not agree to this. I would be worried that he forged my signature.

Motoko · 24/03/2018 10:37

Doesn't look like OP's coming back. Shame, I'd have liked to hear what the vicar/priest has said, and to know that OP and her DH have told this man that they're not going to do it, otherwise I'm going to be worrying that despite what we've said, they get manipulated into agreeing to guarantor this loan.

Original poster
AyeAyeFishyPie · 24/03/2018 15:31

UPDATE!

As I said in my AIBU, I wasn't going to do it, but I wasn't sure if I should feel terrible about it (hormones are raging so I feel a bit off at the moment!)
We emailed him and said no. No apology. We also cancelled Sunday.
We emailed the vicar. He was none too happy. It is clear that this man is not in anyway a conman - he is however clearly very bad with money.

I feel a bit awkward about going to church now but hey ho. Thanks so much for all your responses, DH and I really did appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AyeAyeFishyPie · 24/03/2018 15:33

I didn't see what Custardo said, clearly I didn't miss out on anything there.

OP posts:
Lalliella · 24/03/2018 16:04

OP you need to find a new vicar. Remember what Jesus said about not judging others? The vicar shouldn’t be judging you for this and you shouldn’t be feeling awkward about going to church. I’m sorry that someone tried to prey on your good nature like that.

Original poster
AyeAyeFishyPie · 24/03/2018 16:06

No no sorry I wasn't clear - he was unhappy that the man had implicated him. Not that we were saying no.

Sorry for confusion.

OP posts:
Motoko · 24/03/2018 16:11

Thanks for the update. Have you heard anything more from this man? Hopefully, now you've said no, he'll leave you alone.

Did the vicar say if he'd agreed to be a guarantor, or even if he'd been asked? I take it he was not too happy with this man, rather than you?

You shouldn't feel awkward going to church, you've done nothing to feel awkward about.