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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no?

186 replies

AyeAyeFishyPie · 21/03/2018 18:52

I don’t think i am but I need some reassurance!

DH and I moved last summer. We joined the local church and have been regular attendees since. There is a man who seemed very lonely and has sort of latched onto us slightly. He has invited us to a different church (we went), come round unannounced on a saturday lunchtime for company (DH weasn’t here, he came in and had about half a bottle of wine) and invited us to his 70th birthday. He has told us that he has had a criminal conviction, we don’t know what for. He is very open that he struggles for money, but there are mentions of holidays and things which seem extravagant if he is as skint as he suggests he is.

To be clear - I don’t particularly get on with him but I would feel hypocritical going to church and ignoring him.

He has now approached us to be a guarantor for a 2k loan. Apparently the vicar is the other one. We asked for details and said we would think about it. He has now emailed DH with details and a ‘thanks for agreeing to do this’ note. Money makes me anxious so I know I may be being odd but every part of me is saying ‘don’t do it’. However I hate things being awkward.

For context - if he defaulted 2k wouldn’t ruin us, however we have our first baby on the way.

OP posts:
AhhhhThatsBass · 22/03/2018 15:40

OP, has even one single person on this thread told you that you should go guarantor for this man?
There's your answer.

Are you really telling us that you even considered being guarantor for a stranger?

Ellendegeneres · 22/03/2018 22:37

How’d you get on contacting vicar op?

BunsOfAnarchy · 23/03/2018 01:46

No way. You will not be his guarantor. As a complete stranger reading this on MN at nearly 2am, im putting my foot down and not allowing you lol.
It just screams con. Also ive been condition3d by my dad to be anti-guarantor so ill always say no.

Also yes you can get out of lunch too. You have plans on sunday instead. Go have a romantic couples dinner somewhere with the other half. Or a last minute lunch plan with other friends. Or jusy a nice day out as a couple. Do anything but see this man. Get this dude out of your hair.

OldGuard · 23/03/2018 02:18

My uncle was jailed for this
Used to claim it was a few thousand and then fraudulently alter the paperwork to be tens of thousands
My grandmother lost her house because of it

Say no and don’t justify it with any type of “we can’t afford it” nonsense

See the vicar

And if there is a poor lady with cancer in this somewhere offer practical assistance to her if you feel so charitable - like cooking a meal, or driving her to an appointment

ZoniSouslaLune · 23/03/2018 02:22

It sounds as if you are on the right track already, but if you should need Biblical reinforcement there are many verses in Proverbs about not taking on someone else's debt.

For example, Proverbs 22:26-27 "Be not one of those who give pledges, who put up security for debts. If you have nothing with which to pay, why should your bed be taken from under you?" Halo

So, you're under no obligation to do it. Best wishes for you and your new baby!

DarkPeakScouter · 23/03/2018 02:31

Just say no!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 23/03/2018 07:11

I hope you've said no op! Best of luck and congratulations on the baby! Flowers

flumpybear · 23/03/2018 07:34

Agree with others that you should say no. And tell him don't worry about lunch as things must be a bit tight - tho I suspect you may end up paying anyway if you go

Take a huge step away from this man

Mulberry72 · 23/03/2018 07:58

Absolutely say no to this man OP, reply to his email clearly stating that you will not act as a guarantor for this man, ever.

Please do it today and don’t go for lunch either, and then give him a very, very wide berth.

MadameGerbil · 23/03/2018 08:41

I am in agreement with everyone. My observation from OPs post is that the man came around to their house unannounced.Did the OP or OP DH give the man their address? I had a vague acquaintance from our allotments turn up at my home and neither me or OH had ever invited nor given our address to the person. Turned out he 'got' our address off the allotment secretary. He was a persistent PITA!

moomoocar · 23/03/2018 09:07

No chance! Don't do it op, it sounds very fishy indeed.

I don't see a problem with you ignoring him and still going to church. It isn't very Christian of him to force you into something you're clearly uncomfortable with for his own benefit.

I'd also be very concerned about what his conviction was... seems odd to me that he'd suddenly take an interest to a younger couple with a baby on the way. I'd be very wary of this man and wouldn't let him anywhere near my baby.

You sound lovely by the way and shouldn't let people take advantage of that!! Good luck with your little one!

Basta · 23/03/2018 09:23

Good Grief! Just NO. He's preying on your Christian good nature don't you think?

Yes; tell him he should be coming to church to pray, not to prey.

gjddyUp · 23/03/2018 13:15

Basta wins the thread! Grin

CuriousMama · 23/03/2018 13:32

Op have you heard from admin?

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 23/03/2018 13:36

Nope.
He's a cheeky fucker.
He'll never pay back that loan. Then it will be your burden.
I hate people who use religion as a tool to fleece others.

DarkStuff · 23/03/2018 13:44

The fact that he goes to your church does not oblige you to be his friend or his guarantor. My abusive con artist ex was a regular churchgoer for two reasons.
1- easy pickings from people who are afraid of being viewed as uncharitable or unchristian.
2- as a disguise. People assume churchgoer=good person. It doesn't.

Berthatydfil · 23/03/2018 13:58

It’s a no from me. Can you afford to gift him several thousands ? Because that’s what it will be if he doesn’t repay the loan.

With a baby on the way you’re going to need cash to buy baby stuff and fund maternity leave.

Email him with the following
“ there must have been a nisunderstanding. We can’t be your guarantor. Please don’t ask us again”
Don’t give excuses why or apologise.

Stop socialising with him.

Don’t let him in if he calls round uninvited.
Youre pregnant and living in a new area so could be vulnerable particularly if youre going to be on your own at home with a baby in the next few months.

I’m assuming he just be 40 plus years older than you too so your hardly going to have loads in common with him.

Please tell the vicar what he has said too in case he’s approached others and /or lied about the vicar standing as his guarantor.

And such a shame your pregnancy has made you unwell this weekend (and for the foreseeable future) so you have to decline the invitation to lunch.

Motoko · 23/03/2018 16:37

How's it going @AyeAyeFishyPie? Have you spoken to your priest yet? Cancelled the lunch? Told the bloke you're not going to guarantor his loan?

lessthanBeau · 23/03/2018 17:14

If you have terminal cancer you are entitled to a brand new mobility car for free, it won't cost anything as long as she chooses the cheapest model, you can pay more and get a better car if you want, my db paid 1500 towards a vw tiguan, you either get a car or the mobility allowance. So it sounds like some kind of scam to me. Take care with this. (this was true in 2015 nit sure if any rules have since changed)

MrsCrabbyTree · 23/03/2018 23:24

Many years ago I learnt the hard way that some good god-fearing church goers try to help others but do not see the whole picture, thus helping one at the expense of another.

My story. I desperately needed more income and had a spare bedroom. Church going friend told me about a young man in her church needing somewhere to live. Win win you'd think? Except he was a convicted child molester and I was the mother of 4 young children. In church peoples eyes it was fine as he had paid his dues (prison) and had repented. I was only advised of his history when two Child Endangerment Officers turned up and told me to move him out or lose my kids. To say I was angry with my so called friend was an understatement!

There are some kind hearted folk who never see the 'bad' in anyone. That was a lesson I learnt the hard way.

Please do not help him no matter who tries to sway you to do so. You owe him nothing.

shooshoopoopoo · 24/03/2018 00:07

Strangely, or maybe not, there are people like this in lots of Christian churches. They target newcomers and they take them for all the help, money and good nature they have. NEVER let him in your house again. I would tell this man to never approach me or my family again and that i had lodged the information with the police.

kimanda · 24/03/2018 00:10

There is no-one in the WORLD I would be a guarantor for, unless I could comfortably afford to pay back the money if they couldn't.

Puffycat · 24/03/2018 00:15

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!

Puffycat · 24/03/2018 00:16

Sorry forgot........NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Puffycat · 24/03/2018 00:19

Ps........