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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no?

186 replies

AyeAyeFishyPie · 21/03/2018 18:52

I don’t think i am but I need some reassurance!

DH and I moved last summer. We joined the local church and have been regular attendees since. There is a man who seemed very lonely and has sort of latched onto us slightly. He has invited us to a different church (we went), come round unannounced on a saturday lunchtime for company (DH weasn’t here, he came in and had about half a bottle of wine) and invited us to his 70th birthday. He has told us that he has had a criminal conviction, we don’t know what for. He is very open that he struggles for money, but there are mentions of holidays and things which seem extravagant if he is as skint as he suggests he is.

To be clear - I don’t particularly get on with him but I would feel hypocritical going to church and ignoring him.

He has now approached us to be a guarantor for a 2k loan. Apparently the vicar is the other one. We asked for details and said we would think about it. He has now emailed DH with details and a ‘thanks for agreeing to do this’ note. Money makes me anxious so I know I may be being odd but every part of me is saying ‘don’t do it’. However I hate things being awkward.

For context - if he defaulted 2k wouldn’t ruin us, however we have our first baby on the way.

OP posts:

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 21/03/2018 19:33

Just say no.

I also don't believe that being a Christian means you have to socialize a lot and pretend to be friends (as you don't really like him) with anyone who presents themselves.

Yes, be friendly at church, make small talk, do some small practical jobs for a variety of church members if it makes you feel better- but acquiring new 'friends'- no. This is not required and honestly you should stop.

chickenowner · 21/03/2018 19:34

No no no no no!!!

user7680 · 21/03/2018 19:35

Big NO

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/03/2018 19:35

Definitely don’t do it. Sign post him to McMillan or any other charities who can advise.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2018 19:36

'He has now emailed DH with details and a ‘thanks for agreeing to do this’ note. '

Look, you don't even have to do this face to face. 'Dear X, we did not agree to stand as guarantor for this loan. You need to understand that we cannot be guarantors as we have other pressing financial commitments. Regards, OP.'

He's targeted you. You are not friends, you are marks.

Flamingo84 · 21/03/2018 19:38

Absolutely not. A family member asked my DH and I to be loan guarantors last year for £1k. As we were wary about the consequences if he failed to pay we refused. Instead we gave him our savings on the proviso he paid back the same amount and frequency as he would have paid the loan. Needless to say we’re still being paid back and it’s been in tiny first and starts. That was a family member, this guy is a stranger.
You mentioned that he latched onto you both when you started attending the church and he keeps popping up in your lives. I understand that older people can be lonely and desperate for company but it’s ringing alarm bells for me. Hope you get it sorted quickly.

RandomMess · 21/03/2018 19:38

If his wife has terminal cancer she is eligible to mobility allowance and could use to get a mobility car...

Just say no!

Ellie56 · 21/03/2018 19:38

No no no. And I bet the vicar hasn't agreed either.

And sorry but your mother has been taken ill and you need to go and see her on Sunday so unfortunately you'll have to cancel the Sunday lunch arrangement.

Sorted.

ballerini · 21/03/2018 19:39

I've heard this story loads of times!
Target people who go to church to fleece because they're such good Christians!
My mother always says never be anyone's guarantor ever.. sound advice!

BritInUS1 · 21/03/2018 19:39

Absolutely no !

Schlimbesserung · 21/03/2018 19:42

Aren't vicars notoriously poorly paid? How would yours even be able to afford to guarantee a loan?

This whole situation just doesn't sound right, but I wouldn't ask even a very close friend to take this sort of risk for me so maybe that's why. Presumably he has older, closer friends, or some sort of family, who he either could ask but chooses not to, or who have already turned him down.

Don't worry about making things awkward- he did that by trying to make you guarantee his loan. And would agree with speaking to the vicar- they need to know in case he is preying on more vulnerable people or is in need of help to access services or find information about help available. Members of the clergy usually have a lot of experience of that kind of thing and would almost certainly discourage you from signing anything.

Nomorechickens · 21/03/2018 19:43

No to the loan. Stop socialising with him. Don't go to lunch. You are not obliged to take on responsibility for this person. That's the vicar's job.

Graphista · 21/03/2018 19:44

Well known con, not uncommon for con men to target religious/charitable types with a hard luck story.

Don't even entertain him any more.

dustarr73 · 21/03/2018 19:45

Sounds fishy as fuck.Say no to the loan and say no to Lunch.He sounds like he targeted you and what was the other church.

MissTwist · 21/03/2018 19:46

No way, as pp have said, it sounds like he's targeted you.

Peaspleaselouise · 21/03/2018 19:50

No way. Say no...if he’s genuine then he’ll want to remain friends even if you say no. If he cools off towards you afterwards then it’ll prove he was buttering you up for the money.

Angrybird345 · 21/03/2018 19:50

No way, are you stupid?! He’s latched in to you as an easy target.

jkl0311 · 21/03/2018 19:54

NOOOOO OP DONT DO IT.

ClaraZafara · 21/03/2018 19:54

No, no thank you.

boxthefox · 21/03/2018 19:58

I would, as others have said, ask the priest/vicar if he has been asked the same thing, and if said person is a regular churgoer at the church.

Genuine people in distress do not ask strangers to be guarantors I would have thought.

But you will get your answer when you speak to the priest I think.

Do not guilt trip yourself. You are just being sensible.

Juells · 21/03/2018 19:58

a ‘thanks for agreeing to do this’ note.

Another sign that he does this all the time - he's trying to maneouvre you into a situation where you feel you'll upset him 'cos "he thinks you've agreed and now you're backing out." It's all emotional blackmail.

Madonnasmum · 21/03/2018 19:58

Just incase you were unsure with the way the responses were going, I thought I'd chip in.
No!
Don't do it. Do not feel obliged. I doubt there is a partner or if he does they don't have cancer.
I also doubt the vicar is a guarantor and if he is you need to have a word.
He's praying on your kind nature.

Snowsnake · 21/03/2018 20:00

Well he saw you coming...You just say NO

YouOKHun · 21/03/2018 20:03

No.
And go and advise the vicar to say no as well.

I bet you never see much of him again once he’s established you’re not going to fall for it.

Popchyk · 21/03/2018 20:06

And after you say no, give it a couple of weeks and then do a credit check on both of you.

He could decide to forge the paperwork for the loan. Given that he's an ex con and all.

Vicar needs to know about this. No way has the vicar agreed to be a guarantor, it throws up all sorts of ethical issues for them. The vicar needs to know that this person is targeting members of the congregation. There could be people who are in a more vulnerable position than you so you have to speak up urgently.

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