Bf.'s attitude to my parents financial situation

[stardustlover]

Long story short, my parents were always not very savvy with money and ended up getting a mortgage late in life and my widowed mum still owes about £90,000 on this. It's interest only. My bf is a financial manager and my mum and I asked for a bit of advice regarding her downsizing. He was very rude to me (not her) about the "mess" that she's in and was highly critical of my parent's choices 20 years ago which is what essentially lead them to having no savings and getting this mortgage. They had no choice basically. Life didn't go to plan due to my dad's health, the job market and relocation and whilst yes, they made bad decisions, they paid for their mistakes. I'm really upset that he has been so rude and critical and feel he has judged them very harshly. My mum shouldn't even have a mortgage according to him, nevermind still owe £90,000. Would you be pissed off with him or has he just given said what anyone else in his job would have said?

I doubt anyone you'd employed as an independent financial advisor would have bern rude to you but that doesn't mean he's fundementally wrong. You say it was all out of their control on the one hand, but admit they weren't vety financially savvy on the other. Which is it?

Both! They were never savvy and circumstances confounded it.

I suppose if you work in that field, you get frustrated with people who aren’t sensible with their finances. His job is all about being sensible with your finances.

I think that you are both taking this too personally.

Its worth looking I suppose to see if they were mis-sold at the time of purchase

We got quite a lot of money back on a mis-sold endowment.

Presumably the house has gone up in value in 20 years so there should be some equity in it? If there is then it's not a bad financial decision. She may have to sell it but she should be in a better position than if she was renting?

He doesn't sound kind. Hope his iife all goes to plan...

This is precisely the reason why you should get financial advice from an independent financial advisor

They've not got a personal connection, so it doesn't matter to them

YANBU. My parents are separated but neither have much in terms of money. One has a mortgage with partner and the other rents. In hindsight they made bad financial decisions. My husband has never been rude about it and we help, if needed. You asked for his advice and he should give it without judgement. Surely that's what he would do with his clients.

Take a deep breath and ask him, now he has got that out of his system, to put his professional hat on for a moment - is there anything he can think of that would help? Or anyone he could recommend for your DM to talk to?

Remember he didn't do it, he probably can't wave a magic wand and fix it, he is probably feeling angry on your behalf too - after all, why did you start the conversation in the first place?

How long have you been together?? He’s rude and I wouldn’t feel comfortable about seeing someone who felt this way about my parents.

i would not tolerate someone being rude about my parents. full stop.

Does he work for a bank? Bank staff only look at their banks criteria, some are very inflexible. If he works for a bank I suggest you see someone who works with many mortgage providers. May I ask how old your Mum is and is she still working?

His attitude is terrible, he was asked to help not make her feel crap.

He hasnt made her feel like crap 43, his criticisms were made to the OP only.

I think he's probably right...he just could have put it nicer!

He sounds like a fucking twat.

You really want a future with a fucking twat?

I'm an IFA, I mainly work with people with lots of money, but I also volunteer at Citizens Advice. People get in a mess. Shit happens. Life happens. One of my favourite reassurances is that hindsight always made the best investment. No one makes silly decisions on purpose.

Your BF is not worth the investment. Don't let hindsight be the thing that tells you this.

Except...except...the OP asked him.

I agree with don'tcallme.

Your parents did the best they could in the circumstances at the time.

But your so-called "boyfriend" is a creep. Why are you with him? He should be supporting you and your family with kindness. Especially as he has a professional view on it.

God help you should ever get into a situation with him as your partner. I'd be running far away from someone so cruel. No empathy at all.

He was asked for advice on if downsizing (to an apartment rather than the tiny one storey place she has now) would be a good idea financially. He wasn't asked to judge decisions that were made 20 years ago that lead to them getting an interest only mortgage 10 years ago. My mum is 80, my dad died a number of years ago and she only has her state pension. I doubt anyone would appreciate their parents being called idiots or heavily criticised.

I don't know what to think to be honest. He made these comments without OP's mum there so maybe he thought it best to lay it out bluntly so OP can help her mum face up to reality?

I think you can love your parents and still accept that they did sone bloody stupid things. Or maybe that's just mine.

There are many ways to express opinions. He chose a rude and unkind way. I wonder if he always does this when something he doesn't agree with happens ?

Do you need his advice? If she can sell her current home and buy an apartment outright getting rid of the debt, why wouldn't she do that? Although, given her age she might want to consider sheltered accommodation, or similar.

Your boyfriend sounds unpleasant and totally without empathy. It was not his place to judge. I would consider downsizing him to be honest.