Bf.'s attitude to my parents financial situation

[stardustlover]

Long story short, my parents were always not very savvy with money and ended up getting a mortgage late in life and my widowed mum still owes about £90,000 on this. It's interest only. My bf is a financial manager and my mum and I asked for a bit of advice regarding her downsizing. He was very rude to me (not her) about the "mess" that she's in and was highly critical of my parent's choices 20 years ago which is what essentially lead them to having no savings and getting this mortgage. They had no choice basically. Life didn't go to plan due to my dad's health, the job market and relocation and whilst yes, they made bad decisions, they paid for their mistakes. I'm really upset that he has been so rude and critical and feel he has judged them very harshly. My mum shouldn't even have a mortgage according to him, nevermind still owe £90,000. Would you be pissed off with him or has he just given said what anyone else in his job would have said?

Doesn't everyone who is in a long term, adult relationship have a conversation at some point where the other person is either rude or hurtful or says something we don't like?

Isn't this just something which happens and which if it's a one off, a mature adult responds by explaining how hurtful they found it, a conversation ensues and everyone moves on, without it turning into a huge bug thing, or one which results in them LTB.

I think there is an over-reaction here. Perhaps he was rude about the parents. Perhaps his tone wasn't as careful as it could have been. OP, have you told him how what he said upset you? Have you talked through both the issue of parents a bit more and also about how he spoke and what seems appropriate to you? Are you working on moving forward, or just silently fuming and expecting him to be a mind reader and come and apologise?

If this is part of a wider thing about how he speaks to you, then yes it's a concern. If it's a one-off, deal with it and move on.

Perhaps he was hoping that in the long term there would be a nice little nest egg that he could share in? How the hell does it translate that if an elderly parent made mistakes, your partner gets to speak about them like dirt?

Many older people are going to have to deal with IO mortgages, your mum didn't drown any kittens, she made some bad decisions, but thank god she is healthy and has you to support her. Sounds like she should sell up - get proper advice.

Obviously don't make any bad decisions yourself, like investing too much time in this twat.

I'm just bemused that people are so aghast that this man dared to criticise the OP"s parents, when the cues on here to judge and denounce evil MiLs are usually a mile long.

Is it definitely a mortgage and not some kind of equity release scheme, OP?

Even 20 years ago, it was made clear when you took an interest-only mortgage out that you would need some way of repaying it at the end. If she is coming to the end of the mortgage anyway, best to sell up ahead of time so she can repay it. As a PP asked, is there enough equity to cover the mortgage and buy somewhere else for herself?

It does sound as if you BF was totally tactless, but the decisions your parents made 20 years ago are going to massively affect what your mother can do today due to the ongoing financial repercussions. No, you can't go back and change them but you can't ignore the effects either. It's good that she is willing to sell up, there are other who would completely stick their head in the sand!

I hope your mother finds a way forward with it all.

I’m astounded that he is now a gold digging cock lodger who is only with the OP for her mother’s money

To cut to the chase (and apologies, as I have not RTFT) does she have more debt than equity? Does she owe more than the value of her property? Ultimately, this is where the water divides.

Hi OP. My Nan entered her 90s in a very similar situation. This is how we resolved it... get mortgage changed to repayment plan, rented out property and used income from property+pension to fund a flat in an Abbeyfield supported living facility. It was a huge change for everyone and I personally was very resistant (I visited my Nan a lot and she didn't have room for overnight visitors) but it honestly was a really good move for her. The residents have their own little flats and a housekeeper provides lunch and dinner in a communal dining room. The flats have small kitchenettes, larger kitchens if needed, laundry room, reading room etc. It really was lovely and my Nan was very happy there. Is this something you could all look into? All the best, it's very stressful and your BF was being a dick!

To be honest your bf seems clueless about the issue of interest only mortgages. I’m amazed that as someone working in finance and who is 45 isn’t aware of how financial regulation has moved on in the last 20 years and the context for the financial decisions people made before the financial crash. Mortgage regulation only began in 2004 and it took until 2014 for stricter affordability tests to be brought in.

People make daft financial decisions all the time and I see the consequences every day in my job but I would never judge anyone for it

I think my partners parents are twats, I sometimes "diss" them .

Such is life - they're not my parents (who are twats too) - this whole "you can't be mean about my parents" is a little bit Essex TBH.

You don't have to like/respect anyone - as long as he's polite to her parents faces he's allowed to think they're stupid & have made stupid decisions.

Hopefully the OP is grown up enough to understand this.....

He sounds awful!

I don’t think you understand sheltered housing. They have their own houses or flats but there is a warden to keep an eye if they need help. You say she doesn’t need it yet but clearly she needs to do something as I don’t she has many options left.

The interest only payment will be less than the equivalent rent. The £90k should be repaid after the sale of the property when she dies. Unless the property is worth less than £90k which is probably unlikely, it was a good move and assuming she can afford the monthly payment she’s in a decent position. It’s much better than having dead money buried in the property.

If you tell us some figures, you might get some help here, given your boyfriend can't be civil.

She owes £90,000.
What's the term of the mortgage?
How much is her house worth?
How much would an apartment be?

Your mum is in her 80s and still owes a substantial amount on a mortgage? He's got a point tbh.

Dave from what the OP said she can't afford the repayments now as she has been getting financial help and this is stopping - not to mention that the mortgage may be coming to the end of it's term and be due for repayment in it's entirety.

I'm just bemused that people are so aghast that this man dared to criticise the OP"s parents, when the cues on here to judge and denounce evil MiLs are usually a mile long.

But the OP's Mum didn't do anything hurtful or nasty, she just owes money which really affects no one but her. Apparently that means this man can eff and blind about her and show his contempt. What a prince.

stardustlover

It doesn’t matter what any of us think because we all have different boundaries and different ideas of what’s ‘rude’. The fact is that you think he’s been rude about your sisters, travellers & your parents - and probably others as well if you think about it. Why would you stay with someone who you find rude? and who demands you behave differently to him?

Move on, you’re not compatible.

Interest only payments on a £90,000 mortgage aren’t that huge (unless she’s fixed at a ridiculous rate), especially compared to rent, if it was their only option at the time then such is life.

IF selling her house means she can afford to buy something decent, where she wants to live, then I imagine that’s her best option.

You know your Mum, you know she’s not ready to go into any kind of elderly living arrangement. My Mum is a widow too, 10 years younger than your Mum and she wants to buy a bungalow in a retirement village, she (thinks she) wants the company (but she will hate it), whereas my Aunty is 10 years OLDER than you Mum, fiercely independent, still keeping her 4 bedroom house, driving, everything and she can’t think of anything worse than living somewhere with a lot of other elderly people. Horses for courses, your mum knows how she wants to live.

Annie that is so true, I had a neighbour who was mid 60s really fit and active and she moved into a sheltered flat. I couldn't understand why and she explained she was releasing about £100k, she loved to travel and was planning some great holidays and when she was off on her travels she didn't need to worry about her property as she knew the property would be secure and the manager of the complex would make sure she had bread and milk in when she got back from each trip. It suddenly made more sense.

God - he sounds absolutely horrible. It's perfectly possible to express an opinion that someone has made some mistakes (financially or otherwise) without being so fucking rude and unpleasant.

Do you really want to be with him? For a man in his 40s he sounds immature to say the least.

They are not the only people to have done this,by a long way
Lots of stuff in the press about this time bomb
He sounds like a twat,I would park that for the moment and focus on helping Mum
Get an Independent FA ,preferably recommended and look at the options
Probably either sell ,extend the mortgage term or take out a Lifetime mortgage

It's obvious you would ask his advice. & no, he shouldn't have been so scathing. Some people think being rude boorish and insensitive is a badge of honour these days.

Who in their right mind would think it's ok for their partner to speak about their parents like that? Is he rude and scornful in general or does he reserve that for you and yours? I hope as part of his job he's not advising people in a crisis due to bad judgment and ill health, he'll make them feel like shit if he's unable to comprehend that people make mistakes

I also think he spoke about your parents like that to upset you and make you feel small. & behind your parents' back too... horrible man.

Thank him for the advice and tell him due to him being so rude and judgmental you'd prefer not to discuss matter with him anymore and will seek independent financial advice. You asked for advice, not scorn. It's not as if what he said is going to help your parents' situation, so move on from it.

Can you imagine if say debt advisers spoke to or about people like that?

He's obviously never going to make a mistake tho and will remain in perfect health forever. Lucky him.

I am surprised your parents took this mortgage out without insurance payable on death. They were basically sold a very poor product with no safety net. Dh and I were always sold insurance. Even with our first mortgage over 20 years ago. As for how you bf has handled it, you say he’s critical of others but cannot stand him or his children being criticised so only you know what he’s like. The words you quoted upthread would perhaps be ok if he were tearing his hair out in horror at their naivety and because he was cross about them being sold a poor product/ empathising with them. If it’s disgust, that’s different.

As you’ve said he is like this about others too, OP, but won’t accept any word of criticism about himself, I do think you are together with a twat. How will he react if things in your life ever go tits up?

I would be really annoyed, these are the people who made sacrifices for you. I always said if I came into money a priority would be to help a parent with the mortgage and make sure siblings had deposits. Depending on how much of a windfall I'd help more people out.

I don't know how old this person is, but there was a shit time in the 80's, some of the 90's were ok, then things exploded end of 90's / beginning 2000's then I think we had 2 recessions.

Bearing in mind your Dad was ill, plus he's no longer here, it must be a worry for your Mum.

I would see how much equity there is in the house, so how much capital is owed verses current value. I know a few people who went the interest only route. I think your brother should also bear in mind endowment schemes were heavily pushed and they failed big time.

So I don't know if his chip is oh my inheritance, or what, but he should be wanting to help, not be a total dick.

You should also bear in mind that whilst some people bought their houses others thought a Council house was for life so why bother. I'm guessing your parents wanted to leave you something behind which is why they got on the ladder so late.

I know now of people who have lived in their Council house since it was built, they're happy that they have a home, they have the security of the council making adjustments.

Maybe a retirement village would be a good option for your Mum bless her. She doesn't need the worry really.