Bf.'s attitude to my parents financial situation

[stardustlover]

Long story short, my parents were always not very savvy with money and ended up getting a mortgage late in life and my widowed mum still owes about £90,000 on this. It's interest only. My bf is a financial manager and my mum and I asked for a bit of advice regarding her downsizing. He was very rude to me (not her) about the "mess" that she's in and was highly critical of my parent's choices 20 years ago which is what essentially lead them to having no savings and getting this mortgage. They had no choice basically. Life didn't go to plan due to my dad's health, the job market and relocation and whilst yes, they made bad decisions, they paid for their mistakes. I'm really upset that he has been so rude and critical and feel he has judged them very harshly. My mum shouldn't even have a mortgage according to him, nevermind still owe £90,000. Would you be pissed off with him or has he just given said what anyone else in his job would have said?

Everyone knows that while it's fine to critcise your own family, the vast majority of people do not like to hear other slagging them off.

He sounds either nasty or a bit lacking in basic social niceties tbh.

Are you being overly sensitive to this?

It's important for partners to be able to be honest with each other and to be able to say difficult things - not to just always say what the other wants to hear. It's also important to be able to voice an opinion.

Yes, these things should be done sensitively, and they aren't always, but equally, when issues are sensitive we can be over-sensitive and hear more criticism or rudeness than is actually there. It's worth recognising as a possibility.

You'll have to think about his as a person overall and not just about this incident. We cannot tell whether he is a kind, great boyfriend, from this one incident and from your report of it which might not be entirely balanced. Recommendations of LTB seem......rather premature and based in scant evidence.

Sleep on it. Reflect on it all.....both the issue of the mortgage itself, plus how he handled talking about it. If you feel his tone was wrong and hurtful, you can say so.....it doesn't mean LTB.

How does she meet the mortgage payments out of her state pension and what happens to the outstanding debt when she dies?

You do ivy but then he wasn't acting in a professional capacity, he was talking to his partner. This would obviously be completely inappropriate if he said it to someone he has a fiduciary relationship with.

OP is it the point of what he said, ie that your mother shouldn't be in this position now, or the way in which he said it ie that they'd been stupid? If the latter I understand more than the former. Also, I don't think you can really say it's not his business when you asked him for advice.

The outstanding debt will either come out of any assets DM might leave or it dies with her Geoff. It will get priority over any bequests though.

I'm no financial advisor but I honestly didn't think you could have an IO mortgage in your 80's.

You certainly couldn't get one now that ran past 75 or 80.

Your Bf might not have been very tactful but the fact is your mothers situation is a long way from ideal.

@Beetlejizz it was his rude and judgemental attitude and comments. We all know it's a mess but it's not helpful to bash them. The initial ins and outs of why they ended up in a mess isn't his business at all. Nor is it mine. He's been asked about the future and downsizing, not to analyse their past mistakes and pass judgment on their choices.

Doesn’t your bf realise that lots of people took out interest only mortgages 20 years ago and we are now seeing lots of people who have maturing mortgages with no way to pay them off

The FCA have recently carried out a review of lenders and have set out what they should be doing to help people. www.fca.org.uk/news/press-releases/fca-urges-action-on-interest-only-mortgages

They have also produced a leaflet to help people to see what their options are
www.fca.org.uk/publication/documents/interest-only-mortgages-act-now.pdf

Your mum needs to talk to someone who will look at what options she has rather than your bf who doesn’t seem able to see the bigger picture

I'm not disputing the fact her situation isn't ideal or the fact they got themselves in a mess. My concern is his attitude and rude and judgemental comments. In the end he had nothing valuable to say except that she'd be stupid if she didn't move.

I don't know the ins and outs of the mortgage either except that it's interest only and there's still £90,000 on it.

The mortgage isn't the issue here.

@NiceCardigan thank you. I'll pass that on to her

@Ivebeenaroundtheblock no, he's not young, he's 45.

In the end he had nothing valuable to say except that she'd be stupid if she didn't move.

But that's perfectly true

stardustlover, it is pointless to go on about a decision 20 years ago, your mum is where she is. Has she got enough equity in the house to buy somewhere outright? If so that would seem the best thing to do, it would probably be cheaper to run as well. I hope you get it sorted and can give her some help. At 80 she doesn't need the worry.

@bearbehind it may have been truth but you don't have to say it like you are a rude horrible twat. People tend to react very defensively when criticised but you lack the empathy to understand that.

clandestino some people sugar coat stuff, others say it as it is.

It doesn't change the facts.

The OP is understandably defensive but, the fact is, the principle of what her BF is saying is right.

YANBU.

My sister got into a dreadful financial mess....huge debts, debt collectors, you name it. She was living beyond her means too and borrowing money all over the place. She had recently started a relationship with a financial advisor and was terrified of telling him because she thought he would think less of her (he was fantastically good and sensible with money).

In the end she told him. He dealt with it perfectly calmly and rationally, didn’t judge her and, what is more, sorted out manageable repayments with the debtors. That’s the mark of a decent man.

OP are you being a bit soft on your mother, and making a few too many excuses for her? 20 years ago lots of people took out highly inadvisable debts. However, there is very little discussion of it as I think that due to the global financial crash that was partly exacerbated by this behaviour, there is some shame attached to this behaviour, and as such it isn't really discussed.

My parents took out a 120% interest only mortgage on their third home in the mid-90s. For years and years they whined and whined about their 'enormous mortgage' as though it was merely luck of the draw and they had a bad hand. I don't think their experience and attitude is that unusual.

It is only over the last couple of years they have started to get a bit real about when they can really retire as a result of this and face up to the sheer scale of the debt they have to pay off. They have done things like get in a lodger and make plans to downsize.

Interest-only mortgages are a ticking time bomb that has only just started to go off. This does need to be tackled now, and you were right to ask for help for your mother.

On the flip side… is your boyfriend the kind of person who considers financial savvy to involve inheriting six figure sums? He kind of sounds like that and he needs a good dose of empathy.

If you go to someone for financial advice it is pointless for them to spend their time saying you made the wrong decision 20 years ago. What is she supposed to do? Get into a time machine and do it all differently?

But if I utter anything that could be taken as criticism about him or his kids then he will not take it well and will go silent for a day or two. For the record I've never criticised his kids.

Annnnnd there it is. Have a good think about this man. This is who he is. He's allowed to be rude and criticise, but you are not. He's the top dog who will judge all others and no one may judge him.

I would actually say the ins and outs are relevant and do need to be discussed, in case there might be any possibility of misselling. There may not be but it's at least worth ruling out.

I think Samphire has hit the nail. Yes, your parents may not have made the best choices. But, if he can think beyond their mistakes, two questions: does he have any ideas to haul the situation back? is he only interested in your financial prospects?

The OP has said that he didn’t say any of this to her mother, therefore I’m assuming he offered her advice.

Behind closed doors he said WTAF.

That doesn’t make him a bad person in my eyes.

If there’s a great big back story then it’s maybe different, but in the basis of this issue, it’s not a big deal.

The reality is, an 80+ year widow with only a state pension should not have a £90k IO mortgage.

He wasn't rude to your Mum like you would expect from a professional advisor. You are hearing what they say to colleagues once the client has left.

I think how appropriate it is depends on how close you are with BF. DH can criticize whoever he wants to me. I might disagree but I am not going to take offence on behalf of others, even my mother. I like that we talk openly without worrying about social rules for what is rude. But in the early stages of our relationship, I would be annoyed at it.

Really you did ask and he gave you an honest opinion which sounds a pretty truthful and sensible one if a bit harsh. I think a mortgage of £90k for an eighty year old is practically unheard of AFAIK. I expect your b/f was pretty shocked at the financial state she is in and thought it best to tell you as it is. Sorry I think he is right and you are wrong for being annoyed.