Bf.'s attitude to my parents financial situation

[stardustlover]

Long story short, my parents were always not very savvy with money and ended up getting a mortgage late in life and my widowed mum still owes about £90,000 on this. It's interest only. My bf is a financial manager and my mum and I asked for a bit of advice regarding her downsizing. He was very rude to me (not her) about the "mess" that she's in and was highly critical of my parent's choices 20 years ago which is what essentially lead them to having no savings and getting this mortgage. They had no choice basically. Life didn't go to plan due to my dad's health, the job market and relocation and whilst yes, they made bad decisions, they paid for their mistakes. I'm really upset that he has been so rude and critical and feel he has judged them very harshly. My mum shouldn't even have a mortgage according to him, nevermind still owe £90,000. Would you be pissed off with him or has he just given said what anyone else in his job would have said?

Ugggrrrr...the mortgage obsession....truly baffling.

People are criticised for not veing able to save 20grand plus deposit and also criticised once they do get on the ladder for having the 'wrong' kind of mortgage.
Plus many are stuck in a life they hate just to pay the bloody thing off..
What ever happened to live and let live?

And now your bf is saying that mortgages in hindsight are a thing too....exhausting! yanbu!

Plus what people seem to forget is that you need to be in a good stable job to pay the mortgage off.

@malificent7 I don't have a mortgage and rent my home so don't understand the obsession too but people are pretty scathing about renters yet in lots of countries renting in the norm. I had ill health in my late teens and throughout my 20s and have never been able to save for a deposit for a house. He has always been spoilt (his words) and was left m

Sorry posted too soon. He was left money by family by grandparents when they died and lives in a much cheaper area than me so was easy for him to get on the property ladder. I'm now in my 40s single mum and doubt I ever will but to be honest I'm not bothered about that. I don't think he's ever struggled. My parents struggled their entire lives.

OP - there are 2 separate issues here.

Firstly, his lack of constructive advice to your mum. However if he is a finance manager I.e an accountant, rather than a financial advisor he may not know enough to provide constructive advice beyond what your average Joe could tell you.

Secondly, how critical he is of your family, yet cannot tolerate any criticism of his own set up. This is a compatibility issue and it's probably why you are feeling upset. Do you see this relationship as long term?

He is right though. It’s not a great situation. Does she have any equity in the house? What is the mortgage amount and what is the house worth? If there have been increases in your area it may have got her some equity. Your options look quite different depending on her equity position.

Are the payments affordable? At 3% you’d be looking at 225 per month. If she’s just on state pension that is a big part of her monthly income if £122 per week. How has she been managing?

@stardust renting in this country is a precarious position to be in. There is very little protection for long term renters, no market capping of rental rates and little regulation of fees agencies can charge tenants. It is a national disgrace.

You say you rent but aren't worried by it, however you have experienced poor health in the past so must be aware more than most that life doesn't always go to plan. Is your boyfriend using your mum's situation to in some way shock you into looking at your own situation and make some longer term plans? It's a leap of faith but I'm hoping he is a kind enough boyfriend to be concerned for your future well being.

I wouldn't be offended by this as my parents are in a similar situation, and I've made similar remarks to them!

Can't be bothered going into detail but my parents' situation is 100% due to their mismanagement, their financial decision (or lack of) affected our family a lot growing up, even now they could downsize and clear the mortgage but won't because of appearances. So I get very frustrated and shitty about it... But perhaps I am projecting!

The key to the mortgage issue is when the term is up
She may be able to keep up the payments ok but when the term is up the Lender will expect their £90k back

Well this started out as an issue about my bf (who is history btw) but some of you have been kind enough in your comments to offer constructive advice that I can now take to my mum. The term is up when she's 90 so another 10 years. No idea what will happen then as she has nothing but her pension. And I doubt she wants to move at 90 but does t want to move now. Understand that completely as it's her home that she had with my dad. I am going to talk to her today.

Please don’t dismiss sheltered accommodation. My DM is in one, it is like a boutique hotel! Half of the flats are owned and the other half are rented through a housing association. There are lunches in a restaurant, film nights, gardens, outings, but all of these are totally optional. The flats are stunning, with own kitchen, huge rooms, modern wet room etc.
I know that your DM doesn’t need this right now (nor does mine) but she is likely to need something like this within the next five years or so.
Most importantly to us, she has made friends, she is safe, warm, food available if required and in her case, although this is unusual, care is available on site (future proof as far as we can predict).

There are lots of options about the finances around her existing property but you absolutely need good IFA. Off the top of my head I can think of three different plans of action.

When the term of the mortgage is up, she has to repay the capital. If she has no means of doing that, the house will have to be sold.

Is there equity in the house? If for example it's worth £250k and the mortgage is £90k, she could sell, clear the mortgage and have £160k ish to buy somewhere else, or rent. Probably better to encourage this sooner rather than later.

Cross posted with you OP.

Glad he is ex. Sounded like a man child!
My DM didn’t want to move either, but she was adamant that she didn’t want to go into a care home in a few years time to “rot in front of a TV”. (apologies to those that work in a care home, I know they are not all like that, but that is my DMs view). So her current situation is a really good alternative.

To be fair, my parents have a full mortgage on the house, remortgaged when they hit sixty. It's not impossible and it's not always a matter of financial silliness.

It simply means they have the money to do what they like and when the time comes we will simply refuse the inheritance. However, the laws here allow for refusing the inheritance and still taking sentimental stuff, so it was an easy deicsion.

That mortgage is interest only too, so they have next to nothing to pay.

But then we're firm believers in the fact that the people who earned the money should get to enjoy it, and not sit on it waiting to die.

As far as your mother goes, she may not want to move, but can she be enticed with the prospect of having money on hand to do fun things perhaps?

I suspect it's a bit of both. You're very sensitive about her situation and he was probably far too blunt in his comments.

From what you've written, he seems to be right and possibly his words were due to shock and confusion at her situation as well as anger that some elderly people are in this situation.

You on the other hand are probably very worried about it and this just made it worse.

OP - Yanbu, your BF has shown some horrible traits.

The correct response to this should have been along the lines of ‘blimey, what a mess, let’s see if it can be sorted’, not an opportunity to pour scorn & criticism on someone you love.

Having 10 years to go gives her some breathing space
Take proper independent financial advice now

Having 10 years to go gives her some breathing space

In the gentlest way possible, the OP's mum is 80. Yes she might live to 110, but she might not. OP and her mum need to have a discussion about the house. Mum might not want to do anything which is absolutely fine but in that case OP has to accept that it falls to her to sort it out if her mother dies in the next ten years. Or in ten years' time, when her mum is 90, she may not be in the position to start making those sorts of decisions. Agree though that burying your head in the sand and pretending it isn't happening isn't ever the best course of action.

Absolutely Wasn’t meaning she did nothing for 10 years She should be addressing things now,by taking proper advice
My concern was that the term was up or almost up which would have meant paying back the 90 k

Sorry posted too soon
If she dies before term is up the house is sold and loan paid off
If she is still alive at the end of the term the loan will have to be paid back,that would be the problem

I'm astounded that your Mums mortgage is IO and runs until she is 90 on only a state pension.

I'm sure that's not possible but am happy to be corrected. I'm not aware any lenders would ever have lended up to 90 on a basic pension.

Could it actually be an equity release scheme?

As others have said, she needs independent financial advice based on all the facts.

I’m sorry about the situation your mum is in, you can find some good advice here or Momey advice service, citezens advice, the mortgage company themselves etc. Good luck.

As for your Boyf, he is nasty and arrogant. If ANYONE spoke about my mother like that, let alone someone who I was in a loving relationship with I would tear a strip off them.

If he was just shocked and not being judgemental, I would question whether I wanted to spend time with someone with zero EQ.

This judgment of other people’s situation is the height of ignorance. Some people’s lives are difficult and they do their best, sometimes with limited knowledge of financial products.

I think he sounds a rude insensitive twat.
However reading on here it seems that there are people who think it's ok to be rude about other people's families and bang on about past decisions that can't be changed instead of offering constructive help.

There are also people who think, well it's done now, how can I help. And don't think it's right to be rude. We can all fuck up and have bad luck compound it. He's lucky if he never faces this.

I don't agree with some things my in laws do, but don't criticise them unless my husband raises the subject and we have a bit of a whinge together. But I am careful to try and be positive about them.
I don't think the two are compatible, so it might be time to evaluate whether he's a keeper. A pp said about her sister who made bad financial decisions and her bf was a decent man who just got on with helping.

OP I'm glad you've found some of the stuff about the financial situation helpful. The factors that led you to ask your now XP for advice haven't gone away, only he has, so best to make sure she gets it.

I understand why your mum wouldn't want to move. However, when an interest only mortgage comes to fruition, you can't necessarily just say no ta I'll stay instead. The bank will have every right to ask for their capital back then, and they're not obliged to extend the loan either. They're likely to get in touch with her periodically to remind her and tell her she needs plans such as a repayment vehicle in place. This is one of the reasons she should be talking to a financial adviser now. It's not going to get any easier when she's 90. The worst case scenario is them taking her to court over it.