Bf.'s attitude to my parents financial situation

[stardustlover]

Long story short, my parents were always not very savvy with money and ended up getting a mortgage late in life and my widowed mum still owes about £90,000 on this. It's interest only. My bf is a financial manager and my mum and I asked for a bit of advice regarding her downsizing. He was very rude to me (not her) about the "mess" that she's in and was highly critical of my parent's choices 20 years ago which is what essentially lead them to having no savings and getting this mortgage. They had no choice basically. Life didn't go to plan due to my dad's health, the job market and relocation and whilst yes, they made bad decisions, they paid for their mistakes. I'm really upset that he has been so rude and critical and feel he has judged them very harshly. My mum shouldn't even have a mortgage according to him, nevermind still owe £90,000. Would you be pissed off with him or has he just given said what anyone else in his job would have said?

I think (probably!) YABU about his attitude to your parents' financial choices - you haven't actually explained what they were, so maybe not, but if you think your BF's advice was worth asking for you presumably have some confidence in his opinion on financial matters.

BUT it sounds like he has expressed his attitude really rudely and (probably!) YANBU to be upset that he would talk about your parents rudely, whatever he thinks about their decisions. He may have just been letting off a little steam because he's upset about the situation your mum is in, but he may be kind of nasty in the way he thinks about people - I think you need to decide which it is in order to choose a path forward.

Dontcallmethat Brilliant

I wouldn't expect my partner to be rude and unkind to me under any circumstances.

It's not so much his opinion that's the problem, it's the fact that apprently he is ok with being rude and unkind to the person he's supposed to love.

You called them always not very savvy but get defensive that he's of the same opinion

Your mum is your mum but doesn't mean she's all perfect so if you can't deal with having that fact mentioned, just ask your bf not make those comments as you take them personally and get upset.

I'm not sure that stating that someone has made bad financial decisions and are in a bit of a mess is rude in itself. Without knowing exactly what was said it's impossible to say.

If it was phrased as "your parents are fucking morons" then obviously that's different to saying "your parents have got themselves into a real mess financially and should never have taken out a mortgage"

You asked for his opinion. It is a mess owing a 90k mortgage at her age wih no way to pay it off. Stop getting defensive with him and get him to help.you make a plan for your mum or limit the damage

Did your DP offer any constructive advice?

You say the mortgage is interest only. I’m assuming your DParents took out the mortgage when your DM was mid fifties?

There’s £90k still owing on the mortgage. Is this interest or capital?
Did the mortgage provider ask your DPs to start a savings / investment vehicle in order to pay off the capital portion of the property?

Get rid of the twat. Your Mum’s situation can be improved, his attitude cannot.

You asked him advice about down sizing, you didn’t ask him what he thought of decisions they made years ago. I can understand someone saying they weren’t good decisions & that it’s unfortunately left your Mum in a crap situation now, when she could possibly have been in a much better position etc. However, there is NO excuse for being rude.

Seriously, ditch the twat. Now. He’s not going to get any nicer.

As for your Mum, no one here can help without a lot more information, but her situation isn’t necessarily absolutely terrible. You just need to speak to someone else about the best thing to do now as now is all we have.

YANBU - of course he shouldn’t have been rude to them. Not everyone has been in the financial position to make ‘savvy’ decisions and having smug b’tards saying I told you so after the fact doesn’t help anyone. Sometimes people make less than ideal decisions because they really want something - like their own home. He should have at least been professional as he would with clients presumably. Or does he only deal with debt free people from monies backgrounds who have never known what it’s like to struggle??
I wouldn’t be sure about being with someone like that, did he get a nice ego boost from feeling superior to an elderly woman? Sounds like it. That’s usually the reason people look down on others, to make themselves feel better...

I would go and get INDEPENDENT advice for your mum. There’s plenty of IFA who will look at this at no cost in the hope that you ought use them to remortgage or whatever without you having to commit.

His comments were along the lines of what the fuck were they thinking? What a fucking mess they got themselves into! Why the fuck did they do that??? Nothing at all constructive. Just judgement. They would have been in their 60s when they took out their mortgage and from what my mum has said it was their only option after taking financial advice at the time. I don't really know much about it all to be honest and the ins and out are not my business so they certainly aren't his. My mum isn't in a position to change anything at her age so just judging the decisions they made together isn't helpful. He was merely asked advice on if downsizing was her best option as her income is limited and help she was getting towards the mortgage from a government organisation is stopping so she's going to really struggle financially. She's very upset and worried about her future and I'm worried too. The issue here was his attitude and judgement though.

I suspect that this isn't the first time he's been a cunt.

Why are you with him?

Well, her situation is a mess. If he’s otherwise kind but forthright I don’t see the problem with him saying it to you. If he’s otherwise unkind and rude then he’s probably not a keeper.

I can’t believe they were approved for an interest only mortgage in their 60s?

I suspect that this isn't the first time he's been a cunt.

This^

Just imagine if you ever make a mistake, how lovely and understanding he will be. Not.

To be fair to him, you did ask for his advice, and I would say that for an 80 year old woman to have £90,000 outstanding on an interest only mortgage (with no endowment to cover it?) is something of a mess!

What an absolute pig!! Things were very different 60 years ago when your parents were in there 20s and 30's - the age most people buy a house. Many people in those days didn't think that 'people like them' should own a house. My grandparents on both side were offered a house through the company they worked for in the late 50s. My nan grabbed the chance, my grandma refused because she honestly didn't believe that people from her class should own a home. It is very wrong of your BF to judge what your parents should have done, when he doesn't know the circumstances that lead to this point. I would dump his ass if he has so little respect for my mum!

Are you sure you have all the facts here?

I didn't even think it was possible to have an interest only mortgage in your 80's.

Is it possible your BF has more info than you?

@SuperBeagle yes you're right, I've just remembered how horrible he was about my sister over something to do with my mum. I was in total agreement with him and I have very little to do with my sister but the point was he was extremely rude about her. I think he thought he was being supportive of me but I was quite surprised by how horrible he was even though my opinion was the same. I would never dream of criticising anyone's family. In fact he's very opinionated about my ex husband too (totally share his opinion there though), and very opinionated in general about other people. He made some prejudiced comments about travellers once calling them gypos (sp?) and I told him straight he was out of order. He said he had no idea I felt so strongly about travellers But if I utter anything that could be taken as criticism about him or his kids then he will not take it well and will go silent for a day or two. For the record I've never criticised his kids.

Are they able to get sheltered accomodation so enabeling them to sell up and clear the mortgage. I know it’s possible in Scotland but not sure where you are. Why don’t you enquire at your council offices first and if it is possible you can put it to them.

You’d have thought as a financial adviser he’d look at what her options are NOW as its a completely pointless exercise ranting about what she should have done over a decade ago

Unless she was mis sold in which case he could use some of his amazing financial skills to get her some compensation so she can downsize

If he can’t do either of those things YANBU OP

I'm also very surprised that anyone could take out a mortgage when they were so close to the end of their working life, and were going to end up having to make mortgage payments for their (state?) pension.

A friend of mine took out a mortgage in her early 50s and the term of the mortgage is shorter than the usual 25 years to ensure, all things being equal, that she is still in paid employment during the mortgage term and able to make the repayments.

Sorry, OP, but going on the information you've given here, it does seem that your parents, as you yourself say, were not financially savvy and have made a real mess of things. Your BF was restrained and considerate enough not to say as much to your elderly mother, and I don't know that he was particularly out of line to express his very real dismay to you privately.

Tell him to hope he never falls on hard times.

Divorce, illness of a child or another number of circumstances.

Well he's not actually wrong. It's hardly controversial to say your mother shouldn't still have a mortgage at her age. She shouldn't. Something has gone very badly wrong there, and if you're heavily invested in the idea that nothing either parent did was at all remiss it's possible that could make you less able to be helpful in fixing this.

DH and I have discussed what we consider to be stupid financial decisions both sets of parents have made, using those terms, and were fine with it, but then our parents aren't dead. I can see how it might feel different then. I think it depends what sort of setup you have, whether this kind of comment is taboo for you or not. In later posts he also doesn't sound very nice anyway.

My dad died several years ago, some posters seem to have missed the bit in my original post that my mum is widowed. She is a very active and healthy 80 year old and certainly doesn't need sheltered accommodation. She is fully independent. I appreciate she might not always be though.

Yes, I do have all the facts, thank you It is definitely an interest only mortgage.

the problem is that when you wear a professional hat you always need to respond professionally when people discuss your line of work.
you need to let off steam in the shower. and get a tried and true comeback like "would you like to call me in the am and we can schedule and appointment".
i assume your bf is young and immature. so use this as a learning opportunity chat with your bf and let him know how you feel and question if he would have replied like this in the workplace?
as for your mom's circumstance. with a bit more info and specifics about the financial problems the lovely MN group might be able to give you good ideas.
are you fully aware of all your mom's financial products? mortgage vs line of credit, what is the minimum payment. what other products does she have workplace pension, government pension (amounts), current income etc etc etc.